


The Exchange of a Smile, The Promise of Home

by AAAStarboyAAA



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: I love them so much I just want them to be happy, Juuzou is briefly in charge of the CCG, M/M, Minor Character Death, Saiko calls Hide Mr. Mom, Shirazu Ginshi Lives, also juuzou has like never seen a gender, but in a good way, eto but she's not a terf, fuck arima all my homies hate arima, fuck i guess :re does exist but now i need to fix it, hair color isn't character development you guys are just bad writers, haise gets his memories back but he's like still haise, hide and kaneki adopt some children at the end too lmao, hurt/hurt/hurt/hurt/hurt/hurt/hurt/comfort, i don't want to put any more & relationships because like it would be a LOT, if you misgender tooru? hot take um die, my beta wants me dead, ok but also in between the pain i make a lot of really funny jokes, one too many vore jokes and this happens, only briefly don't worry, the boiz fight in drag not clickbait, therapy session wit da squad, they're all war criminals but well we support, this is manga canon but not like terrible, tsukiyama dies :), warnings for like normal tokyo ghoul shit, what if tokyo ghoul but they win through the power of friendship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:47:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 17
Words: 89,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27976071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AAAStarboyAAA/pseuds/AAAStarboyAAA
Summary: A Rewrite of Re for emotional support reasonsMy hatred for this canon is an eternal flame so I fixed the whole thing up for you Ishida and in 160 less chaptersThings start off as a remix on the major events at the beginning of :re made so they're Better and then I get into psychoanalyzing everybody but when events start to go off the rails my boi Hide comes in and fixes everything so haise never turns into an asshole OR a dragon (i mean he gets his memories back but he's still Mom he just also, has a husband) and all my favorite gremlins are happy. then they all get to live together and haise runs a bookshop and shit it's wonderful. This got a lot more serious than it was originally intended but hey I think I did wellAlso locketheart made a discord server fic set in this universe so look at it it's great
Relationships: Kaneki Ken | Sasaki Haise & Quinx Squad, Kaneki Ken | Sasaki Haise & Suzuya Juuzou, Kaneki Ken | Sasaki Haise/Nagachika Hideyoshi, background urie/shirazu
Comments: 119
Kudos: 115





	1. 3 AM existential dread pancakes [beware of ingredients]

**Author's Note:**

> so if you hang around in this fandom or go through this fandom tag for the laughs you probably noticed my last fic which was, root a based, and well yeah i still stand by that but I needed to read :re because honestly i don't know hhdfhfd and now that i've suffered through it I now am all emotionally attached to these characters and want everything to go right for them  
> I stand by the fact that comparitively chapter 1-50 were valid and also 75 but nothing else so we're basically?? Rewriting everything so that it's ~better~

//Haise//

_ Darkness, shadows and permeating the dank smell of rot and mildew, something terribly, terribly sweet… _

_ I couldn't see, I could barely form words, my mind was assaulted at every second with something desperately in need, feral and lost and crying out for something I could recognize. _

_ And terrifying, there it was, like all I had to do was ask when I'd been searching so long. Right in front of me like a beautiful mirage, in the sewer with a thousand centipedes I couldn't get off my back. There was fear and disbelief and I needed to dispel this illusion or I would break to pieces but- _

_ A warm hand on my face, lifting a grim mask from over my eyes and a smile, rounded and rosy and bright despite the stained bricks and flickering light, kneeling down and pulling my chin up to meet his. _

_ Oh, and I was home, it was a feeling so incredibly familiar and forgien and the emotion bubbling within me was scaring me, not just emotion, he was so sweet, so sweet, so sweet and his lips formed words that brought tears to my unfocused eyes, a metallic smell permeating the air, arms around me accommodating monsters crawling from my back and a request that a year ago would almost be funny but- _

_ Oh lord- _

_ Kindness was a cruel thing, and, _

_ My face shadowed and spilling tears and reaching out in the dark- _

Without a voice, I screamed out, a name, a name that a second later I could no longer recall.

God… again?

I turned over in bed and squinted at my clock, feeling sick and weak. 3:43 AM. Wonderful.

I better not start to make a habit of this, I thought, but I'd be up in an hour and a half for practice with Arima anyway. I might as well.

I shuffled wearily to the bathroom in my underwear, brushing my messy hair from my eyes and switching on the light.

I blinked and for a moment I could recall a split second of my dream-

God knew what it was, it was one of those feelings you get like you're forgetting something important, just on the tip of your tongue- but clinging to that feeling would only hurt me.

I looked up in the mirror and stared into grey eyes, hair growing in black with white on the ends like I'd dyed it before I could remember.

Grimacing, I shook my head and got dressed, putting on the white uniform of the CCG and walking out into the living area, blinking when I saw the light already on.

"Urie."

The violet haired teenager didn't seem to notice I was there, earbuds in as he scrolled through what looked like tumblr. 

Uh… the kitchen light was on too. What the hell was he doing? I could hear the microwave going.

" _ Urie _ ." I spoke a little louder, cradling a book and waving my hand in front of him, leaning forward into his field of vision. 

As soon as he realized I was there he screamed and jolted upwards, dropping his phone and jerking out the cord to the earbuds. A certain twenty one pilots song started blasting out at criminal volume. "-AN YOU SAVE MY HEAVY D-"

"G- h- uh Sasaki! Fuck-"

"What are you doing up?" I asked, picking up his phone and squinting at it, pausing it and passing it back to him. 

He shrugged off the embarrassment. "I dunno, what are  _ you _ doing up?"

"I'm asking  _ you _ ," I said, avoiding the question.

"Dunno. Hungry. Never went to bed."

Biting my lip, I followed the microwave sound to the kitchen and blearily opened it before it beeped, staring inside.

I inhaled.

"Urie dear, this isn't yours," I smiled. I pulled it out and stuffed it back into the container labeled  _ maman _ , shoving it back into the fridge.

"God, sorry," he rolled his eyes. "It's like. A fucking sandwich. Surely you can make another."

"You wouldn't like it." I faced away from him, eyes lidded. I certainly hoped he wouldn't, anyway, or I'd have to get his RC count checked out. "I'll make you and the others pancakes or something and you can have them when you get up."

I thought he was going to say 'you're literally not my mom' for a second, like he used to do, but surprisingly he just rolled his eyes and turned around. 

I smiled, tiredly, but he turned back again in the periphery of my vision.

"Sassan." He cocked his head. "Who's Hide?"

I blinked.

"What?" I rubbed my eyes, squinting at him, confused by the reaction of my body to that question, that name.

"I heard you like. Screaming from like a whole ass floor away." He looked like he was pretending not to care. "That's what you yelled."

There was a long moment of silence.

"...Did I?"

He shrugged and disappeared behind his door, down the other hall.

I looked down, and made an effort to expel the information from my brain before it clung to anything.

_ Hide, who's Hide, who's- _

No.

Coffee. Let's have some coffee. I walked forward, grabbing a cup from the cupboard and getting out a-

In the reflection of the cup, someone with an eyepatch and white hair, drenched in red.

In a second, it was gone.

That was not me. I did not know him. I did not say his name.

Hands shaking, there was an unnerving sense of deja vu as I made this coffee, feeling like I didn't have enough to properly make it with hust, well, a coffee maker, though I'd only ever done it that way.

Well, I supposed I should probably get breakfast out of the way if I wanted to make the kids something nice before heading off.

I picked up the 'sandwich' I'd retrieved from Urie.

...Who would eat if they didn't have to?

I'd thought that, for the longest time, when Sasaki Haise was new, staring at the CCG officers smiling and putting things in their mouths and talking about wanting to finish food like ice cream even if they were already full and I'd just… stare. Blankly, not understanding.

The first time Arima set a plate of simple rice in front of me, I placed the food in my mouth, chewed and swallowed mechanically, an act of self care like brushing hair or putting on clothes or taking a shower. It… didn't taste bad, per se. I could tell the flavors of things but everything felt bland and neutral. It was a chore. I assumed that was just… how it was to eat.

So that was what bemused me so much when I met the girl Saiko and she ate like it was the highlight of her day, smiling and looking like all was right.

Arima told me when I asked, I couldn't taste food properly because of the drugs he gave me to keep… everything stable. And I'd felt sad, because I knew I was missing out on something that was. Normal.

Now I knew to try to appreciate it, to try to look up and see the brightness, of the colors, of the sky, of the tastes and sensations of the human world, I was allowed to live as such-

But every time I took the drug I felt dulled, every time I started to notice that really, everything but meat was actually rather rank, that meant running for another syringe of clear liquid injecting calm into panicked veins. 

So there was cooking.

That made me feel wonderful. These kids, coming to me and smiling when I had something to give them I could make and feel normal, the way I could so domestically labor over something that could only make someone happy, I was glad, I had a purpose, and I could make someone smile.

Saiko got me a stupid pink apron a while back, when we moved in together. I loved her to death. 

I had a purpose, I had a place, I could help people, that was all I needed. 

I didn't need to know anything more.

...I was 240, that was the earliest thing I could say.

I was in Cochlea, though I hadn't known what that meant, I'd seen pictures of what I looked like, and I could barely recognize the thing in that cage, 240 was an orphaned remnant of someone I knew not who, hair blinding white, ratted and needing to be cut, angry red irritation around my eyes, eyes scared, darting, confused and near blind. My mouth perpetually open, perpetually screaming, tears running bloody.

I knew nothing, nothing at all, and Arima came and told me what I was, what I was to be, showing me a path forward, a way into the light when with terror and dread I had woken to a completely unfamiliar world, mind damaged beyond repair.

He gave me bandages to heal unfamiliar wounds, clothes like his to replace a straitjacket, glasses to make the world clear, medicine to make me normal, books to learn from, a name to be my own, a figure to look up to and show me where to go.

He told me what no one else was willing to say, when I screamed it clinging to my bars crying and lost- Who am I? What am I? What's wrong? Why am I locked up? What happened-?

And he told me I had been a human once. Who had been forcibly experimented on and made to be half a ghoul. He told me that this ghoul… had done bad things, turned monstrous and attacked humans, killed and ate them and committed the greatest sins.

But since… my memories had disappeared, clean without a trace… with a kindness I couldn't do anything but owe him for he allowed me to live, to regain my dignity and try to have a human life, a righteous life, serving as a CCG officer to make up for my sins.

He allowed me to become what I was, we gave me what I needed not to be a monster.

It hurt when I realized he'd been lying. That I could be fixed, that I could live completely peacefully, that I could eat just like a human… RC suppressants would not erase what was now part of my biology, only using a quinque would not stop what lied inside me from existing.

Yes, I could consume human food, but only with… extra ingredients. They gave it to me without telling me, I so desperately wanted to live up to humanity. But I could not blame him when I refused to eat anything unless they told me that's what it was.

So Arima said I should fight for them to make up for it, my past and my existence.

I was so desperate to be like them, I was so desperate to join the ranks of the white side I didn't care if I was treated as a hindrance or a weapon, I needed to be something, I'd do anything he needed me to.

And so something I was. To those kids. Trying to move on from what past I didn't want to know, protect those fighters who'd been made into something scarily akin to me of their own volition, make my own food and theirs separately, dulled and controlled by the suppressants in a farce of normalcy, I accepted it.

I accepted it as a part of this identity, even if it made me worried sick to think that they'd taken whatever caused this horrid past and thrust it upon more people, only kids, they couldn't consent, they couldn't understand the risks, the CCG didn't know if it was safe-

I was not to question, only put up a smile and try to help them as best I could and furiously blunt the knife coming out of my back before it hurt anyone else, holding a staff of my own. I tried, with all my might, to be worthy of life. Ignoring the threads still attached to the person I was too scared to accept as myself. Existing in the most apologetic way possible. 

I didn't want to recognize any of the shadows. I was fine.

And so I came to be making pancakes with a little spice of existential dread sprinkled in.

It wasn't long before Mutsuki wandered into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes and making grabby hands at the growing pile of pancakes on the plate. 

"You're up early," I smiled, handing him some. "Got an appointment with the doctor before training?"

"Yeah. Thanks, sensei," He gave me a smile back, tying on his eyepatch, visibly nervous. "Can you tell Urie not to blast emo music at 3 AM? I slept pretty bad."

I laughed, setting out the rest of the pancakes and cleaning up the kitchen, throwing my white jacket on. "Trust me, I have. I'll be back for lunch, but remember training at five. Oh yeah, and I figured out why you're struggling with combat, Toru." I pulled something from my bag, throwing it gently at the boy. "Ace bandages aren't going to do it, honey. Tell me if I got the wrong size, I assumed you'd want a small in your skin color."

Toru stared at me for a long time, holding the binder. "...You knew?"

I nodded, picking up my quinque, in the umbrella stand for some odd reason. "Don't worry, I wasn't going to say anything unless you were ready to tell everyone."

"...Thanks," he said breathlessly, turning it over. "gc2B? Those are so expensive-"

"It's not a big deal, Mutsuki. It'd cost more if you broke a rib. Now tell the squad I'm off to be pummeled by special class Arima."

"Wait, you're going already?” he asked. "It's like, 5 AM."

I gave him a self deprecating smile. "That's Arima for you. You're lucky they gave you guys me as a mentor, most of the officers would be tempted to go pretty hard on you all." I sighed. "Well, I'm off."

Another voice, from down the hall. "Hold on a second do I smell pANCAKES-"

"God Saiko shut the fuck up-"

"p a n c a k e s -"

"ISS SO FUCKIN EARLYYY"

"Someone get Shirazu up before Saiko eats all of them"

And stuck halfway through the door, all the qs came streaming out of the hallway, dressed in a variety of pajamas and leaping at the food. 

I laughed, as Saiko clung to my torso, a pancake sticking out of her mouth. "Thanks maman!!"

"Good shit," Shirazu nodded, shoveling the sweet bread into his mouth like paper into a shredder. "Now I'm going back to bed until noon, see y'all later," he said, making a peace sign and promptly passing out on the couch.

Urie looked exhausted, like someone who'd only slept two hours (what did I tell him) but he was eating them too, albeit with 70% less syrup than the rest of them. Mutsuki was the only one really awake, quickly stuffing the binder in an oversized pocket and smiling. 

"Have fun with those," I laughed at the squad.

"Maman panic cooking at 3AM again," Saiko said and everyone else laughed, and I was looking at all of them in the dawn light and-

…

Tears on my face, cold and familiar.

Too familiar, like I'd done this before, looking upon a scene of happiness and warmth and shattering because I couldn't shake the feeling-

this had happened before and it had all gone black

"Have a good day," I said before my voice broke, and closed the door, looking out into the cold. Tears freezing, a failing plea to be happy.

I loved them like my own kids, though they could tell me they remembered before smartphones existed and I couldn't tell you what the iphone 7 looked like. But it was… really nice. It was everything I wanted and if this could be it I'd kill for it I would I-

I was worried what I'd do to keep the world like this.

This beautiful lie.


	2. Hide Cracking Jokes Whilst Yearning in the Sewers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Unsurprisingly, this fic delivers what it's tagged, and now we move on to Hide, who is, what do you know, yearning. Y'all are supposed to think he's dead at this point in canon, right? But we all know that isn't true, my favorite sunflower boy is still very much alive and kicking (albeit with 50% less face) and he's got his own plans to fix this mess they've all gotten into, telling us all What Happened TM in his own joking way. And yeah. The title of this entire work is a vore joke. It's like, also, deep and whatever, but. Yeah.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lmao I am uploading this as I am also dying of covid, (not literally, but wear your fucking mask idiots, this isn't fun) dw i've got like five more chapters done already  
> I'm honestly not sure why I had Eto find Hide other than plot convenience (god do you think he just fucking?? walked out of the sewer like "alright well that happened, moving on"?? no i didn't think so either) and I think she's cool, plus well I'm a comedy writer. I barely know my own plot so, have fun with that.  
> and well... don't get me wrong, I love Haise with all my heart (my absolute favorite version of kaneki), but,,, H i d e. My stupid fucking comfort character and his dumbass vore jokes. He's so fucking delirious here but obviously we get why.

Kaneki had kids, wasn't that sweet.

And I was… here, I was still here, a safe distance away…

And all I wanted to do was just… run up and hug him and cry and give him hell for leaving me alone again, just like the good old days, even if I was barely recognizable…

But he needed me more from a distance right now.

For now he was trying to be someone who'd never known me, who wouldn't recognize me, he didn't want to know what he'd done.

For now, it was better that I stayed dead to him.

I let him do it, anyway. I don't blame him for not wanting to remember. It might have hurt worse if he knew he hadn't killed me.

But man, I'd still say it was worth it, even for everything I'd given up, to see my stolen smile on his face. It might have hurt like heaven but well, if anyone was allowed to crack jokes about it, it was me.

That was one hell of a first kiss.

I tended to my face in a mirror, in a location undisclosed, applying some fancy shit I'd gotten a hold of that made it all numb and warm, smelling like lavender. It was a lot easier than it used to be, taking care of this mess he'd made of me, I had to admit, but unlike the resilient Kaneki, I had not the ability to grow back anything I had lost. I pulled a colorful mask over the lower half of my face, hooking it over my nose and wrapping a scarf about my shoulder and neck, nearly laughing at the duality between him and I, his old mask and what lay beneath mine, walking out the door into darkness.

_ I remembered it more clearly than to be honest I should, two years ago in a bright night lit by fire and blood and tears. _

_ What was I supposed to do but follow him, though I knew well he'd want anything but that.  _

_ He was trying to protect me, I knew, like he was so desperate to protect the people of Anteiku, but he was stupid to think we'd let him be a martyr if there was a single breath left in him. _

_ Selfish and selfless at the same time, for me to ask him to do it, in the end, but I knew it was the only thing I could do for him, when a thousand swords pointed to him- _

_ I ran and ran into that fight but god knew I wasn't a spec to those big players, I wasn't strong enough to fight a single one. And it was a tragedy to think he'd been made to be cursed with such power they'd see him. _

_ I was in the dark throwing myself into this hidden war after Kaneki because what else was I supposed to do, and I was powerless, and I was human, so I did the only thing I could when he was bleeding out of it so quickly, _

_ I found him, and I gave him life. _

_ Crawling down into that sewer tunnel, I couldn't say I hadn't been shaken, man, I'd be lying if I said it hadn't scared the shit out of me. I'd never seen so many bodies before, so much blood in the snow, reapers and monsters dying without grace, ripped open humans, slain ghouls, a hundred helicopters and an air raid siren scouring the world for the screaming, cornered centipede. _

_ God, I was scared to fucking death, realizing it was the only thing to do, knowing no casual charm could pull him out of the shit he'd fallen into, no simple request for peace would be heard by ten thousand killers, what he'd cried out for I tried so hard to fulfill was growing more impossible by the day. _

_ But if there was anything he needed in this twisted place, when life had stolen all his options away, his allies and his smile and his sanity, it was me. _

_ Hideyoshi Nagachika, your local yearning best friend, good for nothing but big hugs and a big smile and simple brightness. I hoped that was enough. _

_ So there I was, standing in the echoing, rank darkness, carrying a lantern and armored with a CCG uniform, ignoring whatever injuries I'd already sustained, searching for a centipede to comfort. _

_ Man, Kaneki had always been terrified by bugs, even when he was a kid, though I hadn't minded them. I felt bad for him. _

_ But I held out that lantern, and though every drop of water in those tunnels made me flinch, heart beating fast, I kept myself still and with a strangled smile, refusing to run, held the flame steady as something in the shape of that insect shot past with an echoing, scared sound, predatory, an inhuman scream. _

_ And there he was, the sight so much I nearly dropped the light in shock. _

_ Screaming, tears rolling down his face, splattered in blood and gore and dirt. A pointed mask covered half his face, he crawled on his hands and knees with kagune unfurled from his back, hair matted and white and wounds seeping into his clothes. And gore stuck under the tips of blackened fingernails, scrabbling pathetically on the ground. _

_ It would be ridiculous to try to say something eloquent staring at him, revealing myself to him when I'd only ever kept up the act of innocence to his inhumanity. I determined rationally that well… my presence here pretty much said everything that needed to be said. _

_ So all I did was smile. "Yo, Kaneki." _

_ For a second, he didn't even recognize me before it clicked, and he seemed to shrink, voice dying to a whisper so full of disbelief. _

_ "H… Hide?" _

_ "What's up with the mask, huh? You styling it up? I might wanna try that out!" I put the lantern down. _

_ "Th- that can't be you- because if you- if you're really here then you know-" _

_ God _

_ It was killing me to look at him and see him crying and I'd die to give him his smile back so I tried my best in that dark place to be the sun for this boy so pale and cold. _

_ I knelt down, with some effort, ignoring the hostile tentacles hovering behind him, and I gently lifted the mask from over his eyes. My face inches from his, trying to show him that I would treat him no differently, no differently at all from the human boy who was my best friend, because they were the same person, hair black or white or something in between, ghoul or human or half each, murderer or pacifist or tragically both. _

_ "I already knew, man." And I smiled, and I smiled, and I smiled because I knew it was the only thing I could give him. _

_ And he was sobbing, scared and confused, cries of pain echoing through the hall of the dark tunnel, sheltered from the snow. _

_ "You're doing your best, king. But yeah. I knew. No worries. Don't beat yourself up over it." _

_ "Hide- Hide- Hide… no, I can't- please, don't be here, don't break I don't want you to break don't look at me you aren't supposed to be here-" _

_ "I know. I know," I said, voice level with effort, "But what am I supposed to do?" And I was laughing. "Leave my best friend out here to die in the dark?" _

_ It froze him, knowing in all his monstrosity he was seen, and only accepted just the same. _

_ I'd save him. _

_ "Hide… Hide… Hide…" And the cry was soft now, pleading, born and shattered and falling against me, my warm palm to his cheek, his warm blood seeping into my chest. _

_ I was only human, only nineteen and nothing but friend-shaped, I had no kagune to fight with or physical ability to stand in front of him and keep him safe, not compared to them. My strength lied not in that, my strength was only in holding him in that embrace and letting the words fall out of my mouth, holding a bleeding shaking monster's body as his back arched strewn on the floor, unable to do anything but lay in my grip. My strength was in smiling, heart beating, and with open eyes letting his close, saying something a world away from the carefree kid pulling a shy boy around a college campus. _

_ "There's a really powerful officer up there, and he wants to kill you. They're going to find you, there's no way you can get out of this tunnel hurt so bad." I took in a breath, the air stale and metallic, heart erratic, pumping loudly against his head. "So I guess you might have wanted anyone but me, but Ken…" _

_ "Hide please… get away… or they'll hurt you too, you're human you're perfect you've never done anything wrong why would you take my side?!" _

_ It seemed so incomprehensible to him, something that would have been obvious not so long ago. _

_ "...Because you're my best friend, dude." And I swiped the tears from his eyes, trying not to accumulate my own, burning with anticipation. "And I love you." _

_ And at once he seemed to realize what I was asking of him, looking up, in widening horror, scared hunger shaking his eyes. _

_ I knelt beside him, gesturing to the lantern and cringing internally at the thought I'd choose now to make a joke. "What do you say to a nice candlelit dinner?" _

_ Aren't I a funny guy, huh. _

_ "Wh- wh- wh-" Terror and misery tore across his face, and I wished with everything I only meant that literally. But knowing I only had so long, I just held out my arms waiting for him to accept it. _

_ He shook his head violently, trying so hard to deny the reality behind the words. "What do you mean-" _

_ Desperately, I shook him by his shoulders, with a self deprecating smile holding him there, grimacing. "I'm telling you to fucking  _ _ eat _ _ me, coward, I don't know what else to tell you if you don't get it by now." And though I tried to stop it, my voice broke, tears were blurring my vision. "There's nothing else I can do, god, I'm just a human and this is all I can do. I love you. I want you to live. I need you to know that… someone cares?" _

_ And even as I said it, a loud explosion shook the city above us, muffled and echoing, Kaneki, bleeding out at my feet. _

_ "Hi- Hide- please, no- don't make me do this- I can't-" _

_ "God, Kaneki, it's not like I'm super keen on the literal vore either?? But… I've gotta save you." I looked up, words stuck in my throat, calmly lowering myself to the dying thing on the ground.  _

_ Kaneki lay there with red spears blooming like a flower from his back, desperate, vulnerable, mourning tears mixed in blood, clinging to me like the worst salvation.  _

_ I kept my eyes open, holding him softly in my lap. _

_ "Don't try to be gentle, it won't help. We haven't got much time." _

_ Choked silence and tears, and I cupped his face in my hands, determined. _

_ "Can you fight for me with all you got one last time?" _

_ I kissed him, and he stole my breath, he stole my smile, and I let him. _

_ God knew he needed it more than me. _

_ I couldn't say how long it really was, lying there in the dark dreaming of fire and love laid out like a corpse. At that time, it could have been minutes, hours, weeks, years in comatose limbo. I must have thought I was dead so long, for how it felt, I wasn't in my body, I knew if I was it would have hurt much worse. _

_ There were stars, and I saw Kaneki under the harsh blue light of a helicopter, strewn in blood in a blanket of snow, mouth stretched half in a scream, tears of blood pouring out a blackened eye socket.  _

_ He fought so long. He lost so much. He was never made to suffer like this. _

_ And I saw the white reaper pick him up and drag him away, leaving lines of pink blossoming beneath him in the snow. _

_ For a second I grew grave, in the silent place between life and death- _

_ But then I could see _

_ Breath, straying from his stained mouth in a cloud. _

_ He was alive, and I regretted nothing for my blood in his mouth. _

_ "Oh, poor little boy… what sad soul took your smile?" _

_ When I did wake up, it hurt. _

_ Breath a shallow rasp, strangled and leaking out as a dim ceiling wavered above me, brown eyes opening with limited perception, whatever lay beneath what I could see impossible to discern. _

_ And oh, did it hurt, something I'd been miraculously able to override when he did it, but now came back to me with every consequence I'd made the decision to bear. _

_ I could not move an inch, lukewarm blood soaking my back, permeating the stale smell of the air. And the loss was tangible, simple air, simple cold air touching places that were never meant to be exposed with the pain of fire, raw and wet with blood.  _

_ I felt it, messily, vividly, the thick red dripping from the seams of my mouth, seeping into the inside of my uniform from my neck, head lolled to the side and a throat so vulnerable bared. _

_ I couldn't form words even in my head, the thought process a jumbled mix of worry, pain, graphic memory and repeated, affectionate, his name. _

_ I wasn't done helping him, was I? _

_ I saw him, being taken away by the CCG- _

_ I'd need to live, though my wounds were begging me to let it go… _

_ It'd be terrible of me to leave him now…  _

_ But I couldn't do anything at all, like this. Lying ripped apart drenched in blood, unable to even move my head to stop from choking on my own blood, every bit of my body pulling me down- _

_ God, Neki really took his liberties with me, didn't he. _

_ So I lay there, and I lay there, a sacrifice left in the dark tunnel, hoping against hope Kaneki would be alright, until ridiculously, there were footsteps, growing louder in the dark. _

_ "Cat got your tongue?" _

_ And I realized I could not respond, as blearily the world came into focus, my hand automatically reaching to my hurt- but just as soon it bounced off of what had been lips like to a hot stove, a sound like a dying cat searing from my own throat and making me scared. _

_ "Now don't try to talk, dear, you sound horrendous!" And the high pitched voice laughed, enigmatic and hidden in darkness, my neck unable to turn. _

_ I felt hands, small, bandage covered hands on my damaged face and eyes struggled open, upon a mirror, held up- _

_ Oh _

_ God, that was one hell of a halloween costume- _

_ But it wasn't, and I couldn't take it off, and life was choking in my chest punishing every bit of my body for that intoxicating fucking kiss. Blood, like a salad dressing splattered and smeared and smudged on me where he'd touched- _

_ And I realized I was still looking at myself like his food- but he'd really done this-  _ **_this-_ **

_ I hadn't even felt half of it, but coming to, it was so viscerally the truth, a bloody display of reality when I'd imagined it happening like, to be perfectly fucking frank, some unhinged kind of sex. _

_ Imagine a hangover, but like. Your face is literally fucking gone. Like. It's just. Straight up not fucking there below your nose, stripped right off. I couldn't think, couldn't comprehend the thing in front of me as me I couldn't breathe there was nothing in my throat with which to form words, how could I believe I was even alive? _

_ Ok but the hangover metaphor, god it would be an understatement, Maybe Kaneki was a lightweight, but I could hold a drink. I couldn't do this. I couldn't comprehend it. Waking up and wondering what the hell I thought was a good idea last night, the answer so laughable I might as well laugh, if I could, in this pain drunk stupor, the consequences of my choices much worse than a headache. _

_ My brain supplied everything I really didn't need right then, such as 'extreme hickey', 'zombie cosplay method acting', 'peeled potato', 'paper shredder make out sesh'... eyes trailing from the marks of Kaneki's terror and hunger and need all over me. _

_ It was still so discordant to think of this as Kaneki, the ridiculous chain of events that had led us to this- to know that was him, the smeared blood, torn uniform, sickening gore and screaming ache. To know what I had endured- his attention on me as simple sustenance, crying and biting me and crushing my hand clinging to it until my grip fell away, to know this horrid, ugly thing was healing him- with- _

_...Something not so far gone, Kaneki, my little friend who- no offense Ken- was so much of a bottom he didn't know the meaning of the word, the shy kid who read weird sadistic books but was somehow so naive. Really innocent and kind and caring, noble but scared, too far from such matters to be affected by those books. That Kaneki, who could probably read about something like this and never bat an eye. He'd probably like it. _

_ Even with everything, the thought made me smile. _

_ Or I tried to, but the muscles were simply not there. _

_ Another wave of pain at the attempt tore me down, and my eyes flicked closed, light headed and leaking red out of my teeth. _

_ God, why'd the kid have to take my face? My tongue, my throat, my collar, like just a passionate lover gone a bIt overboard?? It wasn't like I was exactly an expert on vore related matters but I wouldn't think it'd be the most nutritious part of the body. (in which case, god kaneki i know you got the hots for me but really??) Or did it not matter, had he been so starved he'd just taken whatever came to him first? _

_ Ha. I still didn't regret kissing him. _

_ Now we matched, I guess. Him with his weird kinky teeth mask, and… me. _

_ I wasn't alive enough to barely notice whose hands were upon me cleaning the blood from my face, what voice asked me sarcastic questions to which I had no means to respond, whose fingers twirled in bandages wrapped them carefully about me, face obscured the whole time. Humming, stitching, singing of love and sacrifice and blood. _

_ "So, after this, do you still love him?" _

_ "Was it worth it?" _

_ "Will you still try to save him?" _

_ "Do you still dream of peace between predator and prey?" _

_ I stared up at her bandaged face as she made me mirror her, and there were tears in my eyes, tired and in pain, so far from home. _

_ It hurt, but I nodded. _

_ And through the bandages, the girl laughed, standing up and pulling a hood over her head. _

_ "Then good luck, heart of the king." _

_ She disappeared, and so alone, I stood, blood dripping from my hands and clinging to a face wrapped in stained bandages, voiceless, climbing to the surface to see a sun in mourning, the snow covered in blood. I put on a mask and drew on a smile, heart beating, searching for the answer, righteous and broken and not done sacrificing. _


	3. Single Mom Swears He Hasn't Murdered Anybody, Details at 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is basically canon but I make it spicy, IDK i think this part is cool also let haise say fuck 2020. bitches be having some memory issues and also some torture issues and some maybe i AM tired of being nice maybe i DO wanna go apeshit issues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in other words haise needs a therapist the chapter

//Haise//

I returned back to the chateau much later than expected, after a long briefing nursing the sharp ache spreading through my ribs at special class Arima’s fun job of drop kicking me across the room earlier in the day.

What I felt was inferior. In pain and not good enough, when I’d spent two years doing nothing but trying to please him and still finding myself unable to block a single attack from him with my quinque. Arima’s sharp, unemotional critique cut deep into my bones, more than any wound, no matter how much he followed it with kindness. And I took off my jacket, sighing in a grimace, dark circles formed under my eyes.

I felt sick, weak and underslept, and there was an easy explanation for it, but it didn’t make it any better.

But I was heartened, returning home, knowing I could spend the rest of my day with the Qs and being helpful.

I walked to the living room, expecting to see them there ready for training, but instead, I found a note.

_ “Found lead on torso!! Back before midnight” _

It was in Shirazu’s barely legible print, and it took me some time squinting at it, rubbing aching eyes and pulling out my round wire glasses. 

And pain like a spear shot through me as I began to comprehend the words.

Oh dear, they were in danger. Were they all gone? I hoped not oh o h dear

“Tooru! Saiko!” I called out, knowing that Shirazu wouldn’t try to go out on a mission without Urie, so that ruled him out. (it had been my suggestion, knowing the two would balance each other out, and although Urie was reluctant to ‘babysit’ Ginshi, the two were quite indispensable to each other by now.)

A muffled “Huh?” was audible from down the hallway, so I walked swiftly to Yonebayashi’s room.

“Saiko, is Tooru here?” I peered around her door cautiously, as she’d been known to lounge in there with her tits out, per se, but she was busy with what looked like a discord call.

Looking up from her computer, she cocked her head. “No? Wait. Fuck. Training is now. Shit.”

“No, no-” I stopped her from getting up, flustered. “That’s called off for now, uh-”

“What? Epic,” She interrupted, turning back to her computer. “Yo nevermind, keep telling me about it in a sec.” And she turned back to me. "Oh yeah also I was gonna tell you I saw Urie stealing your underwear?"

I blinked, completely and utterly blown away.

"Wh??? What???" I uttered, a baffled look on my face. "Did you,,,  _ stop  _ him???"

Saiko shrugged. "Nah, but nice boxers by the way, energy man."

"WH-" Exasperated and overwhelmed, I decided to simply drop the subject. "Well it seems that the boys have gone off on a bit of an ill advised errand, if you can inform special class Mado I'll be checking in on them, that would be lovely, thank you, bye!!" I said breathlessly.

"Oh, wh… sure cool." She pulled out her phone, eyes widening at the text screen. "Oh damn. Yeah you might wanna get over there, Muuchan's sending an SOS??? Uh- can I come?"

"I'd rather you not," I grimaced. "I already have three awol teenagers to deal with, I best just go myself."

And with a bruised hand, I lifted my quinque again, full of fear.

"Be careful maman!"

"I will!!"

When I looked up the intel they'd gotten, my heart sped even faster. Taxi driver? Car chase? Another ghoul? Oh god, none of them could drive. You'd think at least Urie, but you'd be wrong.

And I was definitely not following certain traffic laws as I sped around the fourth ward searching desperately, knowing I was most likely being overprotective but something in my mind wouldn't stop screaming- if I wasn't there-

_ everyone i loved would die _

I followed the sound of chaos, somewhere behind a commercial street, and by the time I saw it-

Oh, god, pardon my french but oh fucking fiddlesticks.

I somehow worried even more that I failed to see Mutsuki, but what I did see was bad enough, in the darkened alley.

Blood.

Splattering my face as my eyes opened wide, not a second too soon.

Urie and Shirazu were in combat with a ghoul, and by 'in combat with' I meant Shirazu had a kagune running him through at that exact moment, feet swept off the ground, an ugly expression of pain twisting pointed teeth and messy hair. And Urie was as of yet unharmed, except for the fact that he'd just bit his own arm, assumedly trying to strengthen his koukaku- and if I couldn't reach them in time there would be no tomorrow.

So with the billow of a white coat I leapt up as high as I could and pressed the button on my quinque to let it out, landing stealthily against the blunt face of a bikaku, jaw set.

"Sassan!!" A cry of surprise rang out as i threw off the blow and quickly ran for the other boy, with an effort stopping the ghoul from finishing him off.

"I would say kudos to you for bailing out our asses yet again Sasaki but  _ ow _ ," a choked Shirazu said, wavering. 

"Thank me later, we're going to have to have a t a l k about this, where's your squadmate?"

"Uh, the car? With the torso?"

"W H Y" I screamed, still tiredly engaging the ghoul, trying to assess a way to stop it without inflicting too much damage. The ghoul couldn't be higher than a B or A rate, I wasn't super worried now that I was here-

"IT WAS A BAD PLAN OK"

"Urie!" I shouted, overwhelmed. "Oh your left!" Ah yes, I'd forgotten the factor of how trying to keep track of kids kind of hinders the fighting process. And I nearly tripped over my trench coat trying to get to him but he made it, ripping a line of blood across the ghoul's chest.

I followed up as he was incapacitated, passed out on the rain-slick street, everything wet and cold and screaming with pain.

God, these kids.

"Urie, please don't try to cannibalize yourself dear, it sounds like it would work but it doesn't-" My eyes darted from one side to the other, overwhelmed. "Shirazu-"

"I'm ok," the kid said, bleeding out on the ground.

And from behind me came a sudden Mutsuki, clutching to a ripped shirt, dark hair slick in the dim wetness. 

"I think I lost him!" He announced with a suffering smile, deeply uncomfortable.

Oh lord, could I not leave them alone for an hour before someone got stabbed or chased by a pedophile?? I smiled, but it was pained.

"Let's finish him off," Urie said of the unconscious ghoul, now properly bound, and he raised a shining kagune.

My lips drew into a thin line, and on edge I grabbed his hand before he could do anything. "No. that's against the CCG code, no unnecessary harm done to anyone, human or ghoul- it's on page three hund-"

"First class Sasaki, I don't mean to be R u d e, or anything, but. The bitch stabbed Shirazu. What if it wakes up again? What if it hurts someone else? We need to kill it."

The words that came out of my mouth were naive, incorrect.

"I do not kill. The CCG is a righteous organization. We. We do the right thing."

And I tried so hard for that to be true, for something like that to hold up, to keep myself the picture perfect pacifist who didn't have to spill any blood, was only doing the right thing-

But then there was the wet thump of feet landing on pavement, among the rain.

_ Weak. _

I turned and held my quinque out, face earnest and defensive but-

"Who are you, the king of the fakes?"

I froze up, confused. But that second cost too much.

This ghoul was faster, much faster. And before I could think there were lines of red opening the back of my hands, nearly disarmed.

Orochi, Bikaku, S rated.

"Sassan, h- h-" It was Mutsuki, a sweeping motion as the ghoul landed behind him and my heart stopping in my chest screaming forward-

Urie was behind me, but as soon as I ran towards Tooru, the dark masked ghoul was on the injured Shirazu and I couldn't save them all-

"Don't get any closer!!" I shouted in adrenaline fueled urgency, staring into the anonymous masked face who'd hurt the people I loved and slicing into me, trying not to do the same to him-

"Wh- why?! No Sasaki-"

And my breath came in stops and stars as I fumbled with my quinque, twirling faster than I could see, footwork ridiculous, unable to keep up.

_ A ghoul investigator must keep fighting, even if they lose their arms and legs! _

"A ghoul investigator must run-" I gasped out and I felt cold, useless, backing up slowly facing the ghoul, knowing I had not a chance like this. I turned out into the darkness to see the three kids, blood spattered and injured- "Even if their arms and legs are gone!!"

But I couldn't save them.

There was something deeply wrong and- no matter how if I tried to fight this ghoul like a human I couldn't win, I was simply

Not. Strong. Enough.

And then, the thing in the mask would come for the people I loved, and I could do nothing to help. Nothing to stop it. Nothing to save them. Only watch them all die.

A horrible dread crept over me, the wrongness drawn out, growing louder and louder in my head like a cry of pain, too familiar, too powerless, quinque thrown out of my hands, behind-

I'd lost.

Everything stopped.

And all at once, the screaming began.

Darkness and a sickening illusion, a chess board, stained and scuffed and domed over with a mass of red swirling motifs. Echoing, the unfamiliar scene sending unexplainable amounts of dread through me, unremembered trauma. And before I could see it- screaming-  _ screaming- _ a voice that sounded like my own, but younger, my own, but different, drenched in unimaginable despair.

I was breathing like I didn't know how, the checkered tiles twisting in on me, shaking, not knowing why, my fingers, my toes, I felt on fire and-

Then, silence. Deep, terrifying silence, to replace the screams, and all at once- metal against metal, creaking, tearing-

Snap.

I dared not turn around, standing in black and white, I was not covered in blood, I wasn't, I had not killed.

There was someone behind me laughing, with my voice. Quiet. Deranged and terrible and my recurring nightmare, accompanied by the horrendous tearing of flesh, rending of muscle and snapping of bone and

Chains, dragging across the floor, louder and louder. Making me freeze, unable to run.

Intoxicating.

Hands dragging across my chest, thin black nailed hands with broken handcuffs hanging on the wrists, raw and red under the nails and I recognized them so intimately, of course, of course because they were  _ my  _ hands

My scars, the discolored joints of my fingers

"Haise… say my name."

The breath was stolen from my lungs, strength and will and ability to hold up walls disintegrating as I fell to the ground, the blood stained, checkered ground.

Helpless, a power hidden in the dark beckoning.

"Who are you?" I said, but the inevitable answer spoke itself without a single word.

Me. Me. Me it was me. The thing I did not want to see, the past I had no knowledge of, the thing unknown by far the most frightening. But sickeningly, this thing, this ghoul standing above me with his legs pinning me down, it felt like myself.

I could feel it, triggering something terrifying as the unknown figure held me down, raised his hand and pulled down a finger-

A completely unwarranted, visceral horror.

**_c r a c k_ **

Without him laying a single hand on me. I was in agony, and I didn't know why, and I didn't know why, and I was scared-

"You need me, Haise. You'll lose it all like this."

He reached down and held out a hand, a bloody hand, nails bruised black and coated with gore.

Before I knew it, I was crying, hurting so bad on the ground and so sick of living like an apology, everything I tried so hard to hide exposed like a wound.

His hand was cold, his hand was mine.

_ Please _ , I bargained,

_ Don't make me a monster _

Standing in the dark, a screaming pain reverberated through the night, pouring pent up emotion amplified through my back, arching-

And crimson patterned things like knives twirled and stretched and unfurled, like arms I'd forgotten to use in years, feeling all at once freeing and settling guilt like a two ton weight.

Bruises of sleep deprivation underlined my eyes, and only one was grey, the other consumed by black and red.

I could not meet my children's eyes.

There, I took control of it, at once looking up and bringing it down on Orochi, twirling aside and grabbing my quinque from the ground as he was occupied. Through the next few moves I calculated I could hinder him, enough to let the qs get to safety. But I was optimistic too soon, with my grit teeth and spunky fight and dramatic moves, I fell aside and the snake's bikaku came forwards, bluntly slapping against me and sending me flying against a wall of brick.

I got up. I fell. I got up. I fell, on better footing but still nothing, and in folly I thought I could gamble that, I could keep fighting in this way.

Wrong, and with my hands stretched out behind me my chest accepted the blade of a kagune, tearing through flesh and bone and splattering the alley with my blood.

From behind me, I could hear the cries of my family, horror and tears of my blood splattering the pavement, my legs giving out beneath me, a sick wave of nausea violation threatening my consciousness.

And I…

_ So how did that pacifist act work out for you? _

In pain, I smiled, and on shaking legs, I stood. Heavy, I was heavy, kagune hovering at my back, blood streaking from my mouth down my chin.

Well, I supposed I really had no choice but to be a monster, huh.

I stood up, and clasped my fingers together, facing out, stretching, sighing out in a releasing smile. "Ah… alright then." 

And I turned behind me, slowly, in the light of every street lamp turning away from me.

The boys stood behind me, eyes wide in surprise, horror, fear, whatever combination of things I could no longer do anything but accept. 

They barely recognized me.

I barred the way; with a hand, and a heavy smile surfaced thick with sick endurance, I opened my mouth. "Go."

"But-"

"Stand back and run away, otherwise you'll get hurt. This is an order."

I heard after a hesitation, running footsteps, and with that same smile, a smile laced with pain, I turned back on the masked ghoul.

He chose that time to speak.

"Well, king of the fakes, it's been good to know you," the voice behind the mask said, leaping down from the high spot to the street, leveraging the leap with his enormous tail of a kagune.

But I grinned, in the dark, between checkered tiles and muffled screams, I could not for the life of me understand why I held up my hand and with my thumb, pulled down my right pointer finger.

That motion was one of muscle memory, so simple and seemingly harmless as a fidget. And any symbolism was completely lost on the amnesiac, what it might do to me when I couldn't reason I'd done it a hundred times before-

crack!

My finger

_ Broke _ .

Like I'd pulled the trigger on a gun, I felt my body respond, heightening, strengthening, pushed to the edge of sanity-

Dangerous.

_ And it felt good. _

My smile of innocence twisted in an intoxicating mix of pain-guilt-pleasure and I looked up, eye gone black and red.

"I think it's better not to know me."

After all, it was the advice that I followed.

I was a weapon, and I laughed, with tears in my eyes, on a dark instinct shooting my kagune into the ground, confusing the ghoul. And with a flick of my wrist, in a blur of the figure in black, they came up again, bursting through concrete and shooting at the ghoul, in a series of dodges and blows and noises of pain. It was so  _ easy _ , so ridiculously easy and he was nothing, he was shanked like a shish kebab, blood splattering my face, and bubbling up in me was an odd urge to lick it off-

The mask tumbled off, and the black clad ghoul fell, and my eyes widened as I saw the red eyed ginger concealed behind it-

"Nishio-senpai?"

The words were naive, spoken high and automatically but

Wait

Who was

_ Nishio-senpai??? _

NO-

A faint smile in pain from a face so familiar, branded as friend on the opposing side  _ I didn't know _ -

"Brings back old memories, doesn't it,  **Kaneki** ?"

K-

_ No No No No No I don't know any Kaneki there is no Kaneki who is that I'm not I'm not I am I am NOT _

**Kaneki Ken**

And the name came with an ocean of agony, almost as a mechanism of defense against knowing-

I lost my sanity.

I do not know what I did

I woke up in a straightjacket, bullet holes piercing my uniform.

I told Arima that I was sorry. I would do better, I would be better, I would keep tighter control on myself than I already had before, like a promise would do anything, in a fictional world where if I just  _ tried hard enough- _

All my problems would disappear.

So I was forgiven, harshly, and Rate SS Ghoul Sasaki Haise became Rank 1 Investigator Sasaki Haise once again, but at what cost?

Apologetically, I smiled.


	4. Bad Pick Up Lines for Undercover Agents

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now the squad knows Haise's a ghoul, and he has many insecurities about this, but honestly? The squad doesn't care? They love and support him and they're barely different from him anyway. But anyway, next mission, it's the auction, they doing the drag it's just I also feel Mutsuki doesn't need to be in that situation and I think the rest of them should fight in drag because it's funny, plus also uh um there's uh a certain um someone at the auction who's um important

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is probably the first chapter where i randomly fuck around with the pov because I want to but it's certainly not the last, so if you see it suddenly switching from talking about haise to hide and then back again it's because i got tired of writing one character and switched to another but also cause they're kinda in the same place? you'll have to read it :)

//Hide//

He was always smiling.

No matter what happened to him, no matter the pain he was in or the turmoil held beneath the surface, he smiled, bright and innocent, and selfishly, 

I wondered if it was because of me.

//Haise//

I was scared to go back to the chateau, for too long, dawdling around in meetings and letting myself be scolded over and over.

Discipline and disdain and  _ try harder  _ and  _ we have granted you this privilege and we can take it away _ and taking it as I always had, my head down, trying not to cry.

These people had entrusted me with a weapon, freedom, a white coat and status as a human and I'd failed them again. So it was fair to drown myself in the hatred of the people who knew the worst of me, a sickeningly sweet form of self harm.

But walking through the halls my eyes were red, my smile strained and sad and weary.

Akira had been the one to shoot me down, and though I apologized to her, my adoptive mother, she refused to speak of it.

That was always her method, when it came to matters of my nature-

But it was easier that way, I supposed. I did just the same.

Walking through the halls again seeing officers all like me but so inescapably different, human without even trying.

I was inadequacy and guilt twined together, too much and not enough all in one.

So it was… surprisingly nice to see out of the blue a short black blur, around the corner speeding towards me.

"Haise!!! :D"

"Juuzou," I responded with a smile, a kind of sigh of relief.

And before I knew it, he was frisking me, reaching into my pockets and pulling out all my candy, looking up at me and smiling a cute stitched smile, wild black hair hovering about his shoulders, cheeks pink.

Just like always.

"Thank youuwuwu," he bounced up, unwrapping a hershey's kiss and popping it in his mouth.

He was the reason I kept candy with me and he knew it, and he always did this and… nothing had changed. Miraculously, but with Juuzou I didn't know how I'd expected anything else.

...He was always something different.

The relationship I had with the assistant special class investigator was odd, for many reasons, but never bad, and he was… maybe the only person I felt I never had to be anything for. 

I didn't know how I felt about that. (because what was I without other people's expectations?)

He was superior, though he was younger, and I had quite a deal of respect for him skillswise, he'd been in the CCG since before he was seventeen.

And I was 22, but in the ways of the world… Haise Sasaki had only been around for two.

He'd been a third class investigator when I was… on the other side. He knew more about 'me' than I ever could. But I didn't ask, and he didn't say anything, and he was only kind to me, never scared, though he'd see me in ways that I closed my eyes for, though he had been harmed so much by ghouls.

So he smiled at me, and I cried.

"Your eyes are so leaky, Haise, why?" He gestured a long lanky finger.

"I don't know," I admitted, hunched.

"I think you should wait on crying until you make someone else cry."

That didn't help my tears, really, but I wiped them away, a spark of something nice for a second coming alight.

Maybe it was because he'd had a lot the same, though he was so different- he was-  _ human-  _ had white hair and became quite unhinged before something happened that… made it grow in black again, brought back down to earth. Like mine.

I wanted no answers, but he was like… a younger, older brother (haha), and it was too much knowing he'd seen it all and thought no different.

"Ew, why's there an almond joy in here?" he stuck out his tongue, coated in chocolate. "Almond joys are a danger to society."

"I don't know, I just take whatever's on the shelf, sorry," I laughed. "Saiko thought so too."

His face lit up. "Aah! The qs!"

He was one of the camp that accepted the quinxes as part of the CCG, as opposed to the more old school officers who shunned them and I as well, for obvious reasons. For whatever reason, Juuzou always seemed invested in them, and for that I was happy. 

I could not be all the love in the world.

"How are the quinxes!? Do they fight well? Are they nice to you?" He asked, clinging to the hem of my coat.

And my face scrunched up, in a mix of emotion.

"I haven't... seen them since…"

He cocked his head. "Why not? Don't you live together?"

"...They didn't know. About me. I don't know if they'd…"

He laughed at that. "Really? They should, weren't you chosen to lead them because you were their prototype?" He picked at his stitches and I grabbed his wrist, out of habit.

"Stop that. I don't care if you can't feel it, it's gonna get irritated."

"NNN fine. But why wouldn't they accept you? You're like… basically the same."

I didn't know what to say to that, but the line had to be drawn somewhere, between human and ghoul, since the distinction had become so blurred. 

They were human, though they had kagune. It was just… obvious. 

I… wasn't. No, no, not when I did. That. 

I wanted to be accepted onto their side. I never wanted to be seen as anything else, ever questioned. But Juuzou was right. It wouldn't even make sense for them to hate me, which was… something.

So I returned to the house we shared, as late as I could, crickets screaming at me in the dark as I walked the path to the house, creaked open the door and stepped gingerly inside.

I nearly had a heart attack.

Because there the whole squad was, sitting in a circle at the living room table, staring directly at me, and smiling.

I made a strangled noise.

"Welcome home, maman!" Saiko said, waving.

"I personally think it's a felony you waited until 11 to get home. I had to warm up old spaghetti," Shirazu chimed in, holding up a finger. 

"Oh, boo hoo," Urie chimed in.

"...I could have tried to make you something, but well." Mutsuki said, looking down. "I guess Urie knows not to eat your food now."

" _ Shut _ ."

I blinked, and I didn't know what to do, because I'd operated on silence for so long I didn't know how to speak of it now- suspending disbelief, I couldn't be so exposed-

But that kind of said it all.

...They were smiling at me, all the same. Like our little happy family, four 19 year old human experiments and a 22 year old amnesiac, half-ghoul.

My brain. Wouldn't shut up, heart skipping- family- family- family-

My voice wavered, but after a second, it resolved, to the caring tone I was at home with.

"Thanks for being patient, you guys… I won't let you starve again," I said, with a little laugh.

And with delirious happiness, it returned, to the way it was supposed to be, the rhythm of caring for and being cared for and trusting without boundaries, the sound of joking arguments and cooking food and acceptance.

"Oh yeah, Urie, can I have a word with you?" I asked, and a chorus of "OOOOH"s filled the room like they were school children.

"...Yeah?" He asked, calculating.

"Saiko told me you…" My face grew red. "She caught you,,, stealing,,, my underwear????"

There was a silence of about three seconds, his eyes darting in suppressed panic, before he landed on "Shirazu did it."

"BRUH" The pointy toothed quinx spun toward him, face turning red. "Babe. What the fuck. For the record, Sasaki-" He opened his mouth but I was still kind of stuck on the boy referring to Urie as "babe", which- ???? OK THEN- "For the  _ record _ , Sasaki, the girl asked all three of us. Urie, me and Toru. We got the lead on the torso because she said she'd tell us if we got your undies for her boss!"

I blinked.

There was… so much to unpack there.

"I…"

Sighing very loudly, I massaged my temple, taking off my glasses. 

"WHY???"

"I DON'T KNOW IT SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA AT THE TIME" Shirazu yelled back, somewhat put on the spot. (urie had managed to slink off somewhere else without me noticing, damn- there he was)

"Urie, dear, I'm still talking to you, did you  _ give  _ them to her???"

"Uh. Not yet," he said, sheepishly.

"Could I have them  _ back  _ please."

And oddly, he smiled, with a sarcastic eyebrow raise. "Huh. And I thought you'd be more… I don't know. Assertive and all, since you're a ghoul."

Stirring something on the stove, I smiled, eyes half lidded, suddenly so comfortable.

"Listen to me, or I'll eat you," I deadpanned in response, making my voice lower, turning back to them and resuming my softer tone. "There, does that sound about right?"

They almost actually looked scared for a second, and well, it was received well, I'd say, Saiko heard it and screamed. "AHDFHFHAHFDHDSA SOMEONE-" *wheeze* "SOMEONE CALL CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES MAMAN'S-" *wheeze* "MAMAN'S INTO VORE"

I jumped onto that track, yelling over her. "sPEAKING OF THAT CAN Y'ALL STOP GETTING TIED UP WITH PEDOPHILES THE SECOND I LEAVE THE ROOM??"

"Mommmm it's not my fault I talk to the tumblr porn bots,,," Saiko whined.

"Sorry, occupational hazard," Urie shrugged, not looking up from his phone.

"WELL I'D LOVE TO ACTUALLY," was Mutsuki's response, which seemed to be the only reasonable one but not any more heartening.

"Try not to get into so much trouble…" I sighed, but they were here, and nothing was changed, even if I wasn't what they'd thought, I… I was alright, and so were they.

And I pushed away the bloodstained albino bitch telling me the most beautiful songs always played just before tragedy. I had a life I could continue with, as myself, as I was meant to, I was going to be happy and that was that.

Because… I didn't know, something was telling me to smile, since I woke in the dark.

It was the least I could do to apologize.

//Hide//

He didn't have to do that. Apologize.

If it would make him feel better, I'd let him, in some unimaginable future we'd see each other again, that he'd remember…

I couldn't imagine it. And I owned up to that. I couldn't have done it in his position. Being told to do it and being made to live with yourself afterward no matter how many times they'd said it was alright, having to come to your senses alone in the dark, kneeling at the foot of a friend you'd hurt so bad you felt good, a half dead thing in your hands you wouldn't ever know if you killed.

I could never blame him for running away from it.

I would have died, if I'd been left there to bleed out in that tunnel for long enough. And I suppose they all assumed I had, reported me missing and all, after long enough legally dead.

Half of me wanted to think the CCG surmised what had happened to me, from a combination of intel and whatever they did to him after they took him in, but the other half hoped they were clueless.

Just imagining the way they'd think of it made me sick.

In my own twisted way, what had happened between us that night-

That wasn't for anyone else.

It was more intimate than anything could be, truly, and the consequences were carved into my body forever. I wouldn't have done that for anyone,  _ no  _ one, except for him. I wouldn't go around showing it to people either, though sometimes I was tempted by things as stupid as the punch line of a joke.

I didn't wish for anything to be assumed about their fabled one eye and I. I knew they'd see me on one of two sides, the world split into half. I wasn't his victim. I wasn't his food. I was his  _ friend _ . And I'd done what I'd done and that was my decision, it was only for him to apologize and only for me to forgive him.

So it was nice, in a terrible way, that I was reported in the news not on the list of victims, but simply-

_ Missing- Hideyoshi Nagachika, assistant investigator _

There were plenty of wonderful people in the CCG, people who weren't by any means evil and wrong, just as I'd learned the ghouls to be.

But I knew I couldn't be an investigator any longer. I supposed it might do me some good trying to function on my own, since I'd grown so codependent on that boy to exist.

It might have been my Epic Hide Luck but more likely it was some bullshit complex plan spanning across generations because of course it would be, why else would no other than fucking Takatsuki Sen pick me up and fix me while telling me all about her latest vore novel.

...I couldn't have ever asked her, in the tunnels, my voice consumed, but I supposed my eyes begged her to answer well enough, face wrapped in bandages.

_ Why? _

Why would she save me, in that odd way, when she had frankly not a single thing to do with me, when I was already confused enough when she let me see her face and alright, Kaneki's favorite author was a ghoul even when he was human, how about that. But she seemed to get the pained, puzzled stare on my face- either that or she could read minds lmao- she smiled.

"Wouldn't you like to know, weather boy."

I think that pretty much did it for me.

It's pretty fun to be legally dead, if you don't want to like, vote or anything. (Well, I mean, there's like voter fraud, on which, uh, no comment)

Eventually I'd have to rectify that, but for now? I'd manage.

Kaneki would find me eventually. When he needed me again. But for now I was a ghost.

//Haise//

Alright, the whole plan might have seemed pretty weird, but in the circumstances, it appeared to be the best option we had.

My irresponsible actions had caused the quinx squad and I to be placed in the most perilous assignment of the next operation of the CCG, mainly as the 'bait' in the infiltration of an underground ghoul auction, headed by a group of ghouls known as the madames.

I was responsible for it, the punishment, but I didn't want the kids to bear the pain for it. So I mean, I had a plan, so we had our best chance of succeeding, but… well, it was a bit unorthodox. 

So I sat the squad all down in the kitchen to discuss the plan.

"...The rest of the Mado squad sans myself will be part of the attack force once Aogiri Tree attacks, which the higher ups believe will happen. But we've been told to act as decoys, in the auction, along with investigator assistant special class Suzuya, who has agreed to aid us," I told them as I finished clearing off the counter, walking with my back turned to them.

"So how are we supposed to be decoys?" Urie asked skeptically.

With a serious look on my face, I turned back around to see them all staring expectantly, rather tense. And I held out my hands casually, perhaps a little too serious for the words. "We are going to become women."

And there was a very long silence, audible blinking.

"Oh worm???" Shirazu finally said, raising his eyebrows.

"Excuse me?" Urie blanched.

And Saiko opened her mouth, shouting "SASSAN GENDER REVEAL??"

After a second, I laughed nervously. "Well no, not exactly- I- there's a better chance they'll let us in and overlook us if we're dressed as women, it's a proven fact women are quite underestimated. And well, we're trying to infiltrate the place, meaning at least one of us will have to be sort of, well, kidnapped for the auction, and the kind of people the madames are looking for are girls and really young guys, so time to get feminine, boys."

"Pain," Mutsuki deadpanned, and suddenly I noticed he existed.

Oh, well… oh. That might be a problem, I didn't want to make him uncomfortable, it was different from the rest of us. That would be a dick move, even though the uppers wanted Mutsuki to be the bait.

Before I could handle that, however, Saiko raised her hand.

"Maman, uh, how do you propose I 'become a woman'?"

I blinked.

... _ Oh _ .

"I SEEM TO HAVE FORGOTTEN WE HAVE A, SOMEONE OF THE FEMALE PERSUASION HERE"

"Saikooooo, one of the b o i z," Shirazu laughed, patting her on the back.

"Sadly. One of the boiz," she nodded, pensive.

"Uh…" I thought on my feet. "Weoll, in that case, that presents… another problem, we're also dressing up so we're unrecognizable? And I'd say you're a pretty recognizable figure, no one sees you if you switch genders because y'know, that's how society works? But like… hmm." I thought for a second.

"Yeah but if you dressed me up as a guy, I'd look like. Ten. Twelve at most. I don't suppose they'd let me into a club."

And it clicked. "O h. Change of plans. Mutsuki, you can wear whatever you'd like. Uh. Saiko, are you cool with being the bait with Mutsuki? You can be one of the boiz. Since you'd both definitely look young enough they'd want you." I pursed my lips. "Ew. God. I'm sorry."

Mutsuki exhaled in relief, laughing nervously. "I… get that a lot."

Don't worry about getting, well, assaulted by anyone or anything, I'll put Juuzou with you. You're both convincingly the youngest, plus Saiko for good measure, with an added gender swap for spice."

Saiko blinked. "Oh?? Oh, I get it now, we're going to be victims of human trafficking."

I sighed loudly. "Sadly, yes? I'd love it if we didn't get assigned these things. But (goddamn it this fucking canon) you guys will be fine, I trust Juuzou and his knife leg can clear up any Misunderstandings." Already knowing this was getting ridiculous, I held up a finger. "Oh, and Juuzou will be dressing up too since he says he's known to the madames. But I also suspect he just kind of wants to." I laughed nervously. "He's got a whole look."

"Let Suzuya be a loli 2k18," Saiko slammed her fists down onto the table.

"So… synopsis of the plan is drag party," Urie raised an eyebrow.

"I am confused, but intrigued," Shirazu said, as though he'd tuned out the entire conversation.

The plan was sound, no matter how stupid it seemed, but I still worried.

Though suppressed, it nagged at me, picking at the darkest corners of my mind and pulling them out. How they were being put in danger, because of me, because of me, because of me and my weakness.

A whisper, in my head.

God, shut up. I was talking about drag. I didn't need my shitty opinion.

So we came to be standing at the entrance of a really shady club, all in drag except for Mutsuki, who was business as usual but without the identifying coat. (he wasn't a notorious agent yet, known well to many ghouls, so it turned out that wasn't really a problem.) I'd handed out a few sharp objects for us to put in our purses in case someone got ideas.

"I actually think this is kind of a vibe, to be honest?" Shirazu said, hand on his hip, in the evening light in the crowded line to get in. "If I could take off these fucking shoes."

"Shirazu stop using boku or I'm gonna chop your dick off," Saiko whacked the tall boy (even taller by platform heels), dressed herself in a dress shirt and shorts like a little rich boy. 

" _ Start _ using boku or I'll chop your  _ hair  _ off," Urie jumped in, attempting not to sound stupidly uncomfortable. 

"n o"

"Ladies," I addressed the boys, as we approached the end of the line, adjusted to the movie-theater type light in the entryway. "Shh."

I bit my lip in nervousness as I looked about the area, surrounded with guests who all seemed so unaware of just what this was or were acting their own parts.

And there I was, having literally borrowed Akira's clothes and Juzo's stupid cosplay wig, looking like. A facebook mom, according to Saiko, a Karen according to Shirazu, and well, at least I wasn't too obvious.

"Why'd you go so overboard though, with the makeup and all?" Urie asked, fussing with his skirt and grimacing.

"The real question is why you  _ didn't _ , dear."

"Because I look like a fucking  _ lesbian  _ in this."

"Wonderful, that means it's working. Do I look good?"

Shirazu smiled. "I think, you should do drag, like. For real."

I smiled politely back, not about to inform them this wasn't my first rodeo.

...Akira frequented some interesting places when she wanted to. Dragged me along to a gay bar because she thought that was a fun mother-son bonding activity. And well, I tended to get a bit Yuri Katsuki when I was drunk. No, I am not elaborating. It was her fault.

Anyway… near me, Tooru and Saiko were standing together, both in kind of chldish clothes, looking like two stupid boys standing there next to three sassy aunts.

Bait.

And when we got to the front and we were stopped for clearance, I put up a smile, flashing a pass pilfered from a captured ghoul. 

"Hi, Madame A wanted us to drop off the boys with the chaperones while we enjoyed the party?"

A smile, with far more teeth than pleasant. 

"Of course. Now right this way, maam."

I tensed as I saw guards, quickly seizing hold of the two, and my gaze followed them to a blocked off corridor, and Juuzou.

Juuzou, waving at me, in a long black wig, dressed to the nines in a really… interesting outfit, long stockings covering the seam to his prosthetic.

I prayed they'd be alright with him there. 

Once we got in, it was surreal, for the longest time, emerging into a large area where music was being played, everyone was masked or disguised, anonymous and disconcerting. There were a thousand people dancing, and quick we had to split up, telling the rest of the group to get slutty and get into trouble so we'd have information of the real goings-on of this place before everything fell down around us.

For now, it looked like just another weird club, although far more fancy, and all I was able to do was mingle and worry and wait for the lights to go down, for the lie to be up.

All dressed up, in lightness and brightness and heart beating fast with the deception, as something I wasn't, beneath the surface the tip of an iceberg so horrible I couldn't help but fear.

Soon I'd have to find my way to them all so I could actively join the inevitable fight before something bad happened, but the music was loud and I was hemmed in by a throng of guests, masked either literally or metaphorically.

And the lights became dimmer, and god, before I even knew it there were some rich looking men starting to hit on me. And well, sadly, I was attracted to men, but they were clearly not my type and I definitely wasn't theirs. Or at least I wouldn't be if they realized the chest was removable. 

So I vacated the premises quick, knowing that even though I had a damn retractable quinque in my purse, it would help none to blow my cover.

Scanning faceless crowds, smiling people, I sensed the odd smell of panic in the air. Human fear, human anxiety, blood waiting in the wings to spill.

And from the corner of my eye I saw someone in the background of the hall, masked. Or well, more like… whose entire head was covered by a burlap sack? Very good disguise, I supposed, no one would recognize you with that getup. He(?) was covered from head to toe like a scarecrow, and the sack-head-thing had like, a lenny face painted on it. And oddly enough, no matter where I was, it made me want to smile, laugh.

Anonymous and standing in the corner, the person wasn't very near me, and I was still anxious, trying not to pay anyone in particular too much attention. 

But out of the corner of my eye I could see him directly staring at me (well as much as he could) holding up a hand and before I could realize, starting to say something… in sign language.

I couldn't think the guy would think I'd know sign language, which made it odder, but the truth lied in the fact of my amnesia induced 'read everything about anything from anywhere' habit Arima fueled. (as long as it didn't speak of anything that might lead to my past, which I was more than happy to avoid.) I'd soak up every bit of knowledge my body could handle, because I had cared so much to learn, to become competent, I would memorize any book, an empty vessel so desperate to be filled.

So yeah, I did know ASL. And even though I was obviously hearing, the mysterious man signed to me with gloved hands:

[Damn, girl, you must be the disco ball, because you're…] he paused, clearly stuck on the second half. [...lighting up my world?]

...And I stopped in my tracks, a shy laugh stuck in my throat.

...I…

It was clearly just a well meaning thing, cheesy and stupid, but I stared and there was the greatest wrongness, unknown, he didn't seem to be affiliated with any of the groups here but… It was just completely normal but…

"Thank you," I said in courtesy but quickly I ran into the bathroom, hyperventilating without reason, I didn't know why or how I-

I hated my body. I hated my body. I hated it I could smell everything here and-

That smell was familiar, elicited such a physical response, hit with an inexplicable ball of guilt and a- a feeling- I-

A flicker, in the dark-

Bright yellow and-

_ \--Smile- _

Gone, and replacing it, confusion, dread, a cracked mirror and smeared mascara on a shallow, blank face.

I blinked, and realized I'd in fact gone into the men's room disguised as a woman, and wanting to avoid conflict I ran out- to-

"Attention, attention, ladies and gentlefucks, time for the show to begin!"

Oh fuck.

//Hide//

Damn.

(who the fuck taught Kaneki asl?)

I

God fuck

(who the fuck taught Kaneki  _ drag? _ )

_ Damn. _


	5. Haise's Martyr Complex Fucks With His Ability to Fight in Heels

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Basically, the auction fight, but they're all still in drag lmao and Mutsuki throws some sick fucking shade at Kanae, plus Haise's character development kinda actually makes sense and he's a good mom (and Hide is,,, around,, doing things [simping])  
> other scrapped names for this chapter:  
> -Haise becomes a volleyball not clickbait  
> -the world record for number of existential crises in one battle  
> -Takizawa calls Haise "twinkle toes" for 3000 words compilation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry christmas y'all seven people who read my story! If u don't celebrate that's also vibing merry 25th of december  
> I'M SO SORRY THIS CHAPTER IS SO FUCKING LONG LMAO
> 
> "Urie, I think we'll be too busy staving off tentacles by that point to discreetly slip into the bathroom to change, but don't hesitate to stab someone with heels. They're very useful."  
> "I'd usually be tempted to ask why you seem to have such an extensive knowledge of women's clothing," Urie deadpanned, "But I understand there are better things to worry about at the moment."

//Haise//

I stood shaken to the bone on the edge of a balcony, in a dress from Target and my adoptive mom's jewelry, and stared in horror as the lights dimmed to nothing, light on an enormous stage at the front of the hall.

It was starting, and in my greatest trick yet, I'd managed to lose my calm, my makeup, and the kids.

...But shouldn't Tooru have called by now?

Quickly I pulled out my phone, hoping I'd accidentally just it on silent, but-

Nothing.

He was supposed to give a sign when they had gotten out? But the auction was starting, and I hadn't heard a word. 

I glanced up. The clown mask ghouls were out on stage, introducing the evening, but I nearly jumped when I felt the thing go off in my hand.

Saiko, it was Saiko.

_ \--maman i got out but i can't find mucchan _

I tensed.

_ \--hes not responding _

_ \--neither is suzuya idk where they went _

_ \--i think something happened to them _

Oh god. Oh god oh fuck. The plan was to have them smuggled in and then signal the rest of the CCG to alert us they'd taken out the ghouls back there, but…

_ \--everyone's really gross back there _

_ \--he's not safe please help _

I texted back a quick reply, heart beating like a drum, still having to try to act normal-

_ I'm on it dw, get yourself out-- _

And I stuffed the phone in my pocket, realizing just as I wrote it that I… really wasn't on it, and in fact, had no clue what to do.

There was a tall, lanky man introducing the auction and the clown masks, talking about the first to be sold. "Our opener tonight will be something a bit special, a boy of very unusual flavor. We initially estimated his value at one million yen, but… this one's a one eye, folks. You heard right. Haven't seen any of these around these parts since… probably, well… you know."

The room exploded in chaos, cries of disbelief and recognition and I stood confused and unnerved and in crisis, no longer able to believe Mutsuki had just dropped his phone. Because before I could come up with any other explanation it was dashed to shreds upon the lights, falling on a beaten and tired Tooru. He knelt with his hands tied behind his back, staring out into the darkened audience with complete undistilled terror, his eyes wide and mismatched.

I had to get him out, oh god, what if one of the people here got their hands on him, I looked around and there were gazes greedy and arrogant and hungry, so many red eyes fixated on the beautiful boy ripped apart tied at the wrists staring out with a single kakugan. They started betting, shouting and waving numbers and it got deafeningly real- but I had no idea how to fix it, but if I didn't-

Someone was going to  _ buy _ him.

_ Five hundred thousand yen.  _ An anonymous mask from the back, the crowd all clamoring at the one eye.

_ Seven hundred thousand. _

The rapid voice of the announcer, low and completely monotonal, raising and raising and raising the price of a human being-

_ One million! _

A man on the balcony, holding up a number, enthusiastic and letting lilac hair fall over a masquerade mask.

_ Two million! _

The woman who must be big madame herself, in tinted sunglasses, leaning over her balcony and shouting decisively, more, more, more-

Frantically I disappeared to the background.

"This is first class Sasaki Haise. Requesting mission start. Auction is proceeding, third class Mutsuki is compromised."

And slowly, a low, unimpressed voice.

"Has the organization Aogiri Tree attacked?"

"Well, no, but I'm sure they're here-"

"We will not reveal ourselves until it is appropriate, and special class Suzuya has initiated the attack."

"But-"

"If you start something yourself, you'll kill us all, with all due respect, investigator first class. Do  _ not _ step out of line."

And with shaking hands I dropped my phone, blood rushing in my ears so loud, standing there in heels and makeup and useless as the entire hall erupted into screams,  _ 200 Million Yen to Kanae Von Rosewald _

And Mutsuki was being dragged away, screaming, completely and utterly drowned out by the shouts of the bidders who didn't win. And so unhelpfully in my head-

_ Helpless helpless helpless helpless! You're useless Haise you're worthless! <3 _

"Sasaki- I mean- uh, Sasako-"

I turned reflexively, defensive and on edge-

Shirazu, it was Shirazu, grabbing my shoulder, hunching over to whisper to me urgently. "Toru's getting fucking sold!!"

"YES, I'M  _ AWARE _ ," I whisper-screamed, stressed and at a loss as to what to do, frozen in place. "They told me we have to wait for Juuzou's signal and I frankly don't know what's going on, Juuzou was supposed to stay with Mutsuki but they must have been separated-"

Urie walked up at about the same time, looking just about as distressed, very, very out of his element. "For the record, I'm a bit worried about trying to fight like this, can we put on more comfortable clothes and shit once we've blown our cover?"

"Urie, I think we'll be too busy staving off tentacles by that point to discreetly slip into the bathroom to change, but don't hesitate to stab someone with heels. They're very useful."

"I'd usually be tempted to ask why you seem to have such an extensive knowledge of women's clothing," Urie deadpanned, "But I understand there are better things to worry about at the moment."

"I'd say so," was my only response.

But I looked up to the center of the stage and the auctioneer was introducing a new 'item', a black haired girl-

Oh. Oh. It was Juuzou. Thank god. He looked quite helpless and such, but I was significantly less worried about him, knowing he was a bit of a better actor than Mutsuki and also a bit better at well, having a leg made of knives.

That meant we were probably over waiting around to save Tooru pretty soon too, thank god. "Team, ready yourselves," I whispered, "Juuzou reveals himself and we dive straight to the back and cut into the back rooms behind the stage. Saiko says she found her way through it so we'll meet her there and once we're in, I want you three to complete your assigned mission with the nutcracker. I'll handle Mutsuki."

"How do you want us to meet back up after we've dealt with her-" Oh god he was loud

"Shirazu could you be quiet-"

Before we could barely get that out, Juuzou was brought out, but he didn't waste anyone's time up there.

"No need to introduce me," he smiled, and promptly twisted sideways, a hidden knife sawing through the ties at his wrists, clattering to the floor as he brought one hand to the ceiling and waved.

"Hi mom!"

And well, to put it simply, in his funky little dress, started shooting. Knives out of his leg. Yeah. Well let that kid go hog wild, because that meant we could go.

Instantly, chaos.

Shouting and confusion turned into fear and rage, masked ghouls in dark cloaks appeared from nowhere, people started visibly grouping, and everything turned three colors-

Black for the ghouls, white for the CCG, and  _ red _ .

I didn't wait for someone to notice us in the chaos, and grabbing Urie by the arm I vaulted over the balcony landing unsteadily nine or ten feet below on my hands and a knee, two far less practiced idiots trailing behind me. (Urie landing on his ass and Shirazu mooning the entire battlefield.)

It was dark, a well aimed knife lodging itself in the chandelier and bringing it down on the ghouls phantom of the opera style. But maybe that wasn't the greatest idea on Juuzou's part, the whole room flinching with the amazing shatter, and quickly, fire, rushing to consume the main hall.

Fairly unnoticed, we made it to the stage doors as the fire curtain began to come down, a thousand alarms screaming, and Urie ripped open the door with his kagune, revealing a green-lit corridor forking twice.

"Which way should we-"

I pointed the two boys right, not bothering to wait for confirmation before pulling off my heels and running barefoot, hair in my eyes, quinque out.

The halls were dark, the echoes of fights perilously close, seeing every blinking electronic light as the eye of a ghoul, every shadow as a blade from someone's back ready to separate my head from my body.

But I was  _ angry _ , more than I was scared, Dared I to question the CCG, I was pent up and tired of the Qs being manipulated and used and treated as weapons, bait, objects, currency-

They were people, they were  _ people  _ and they deserved  _ dignity _ , they deserved to be consulted and respected and safe, these ghouls treated Mutsuki like- some rare treat- a freak- a meal dressed up and pretty for them-

_ -My legs were splayed out on cobblestones collapsing into a puddle of gore like a sauce I was on a plate. Weakened and drugged and nauseous, in childish, formal clothes constricting and suffocating and a shadow over me- _

And the CCG saw him just the same, telling me he was to be the bait, dispersing my children around like a tool, like they themselves were only quinques, how could they-

~~_ -Arima- _ ~~

Surely they could see sense?!

I'd save them. I'd save them and I'd do it again and I'd be there, I would never let anyone die, please let it be true.

_ "Let me go, fuckface!" _

_ "I thought you were one of those quinx freaks? It seems you might have forgone a few of these RC treatments for a hit of the old testosteroni then, huh~" _

_ "Fuck.  _ _ Off _ _." _

_ "Stop fighting then." _

_ "hOt tAkE, not having a dick doesn't excuse you from being one, Mr. JK Rowling's trans friend, Let. Me. Go." _

_ "I don't think- G UH-" _

Oh god, that didn't sound like Mutsuki's doing.

I could hear them through the walls, but the more halls I ran through the farther away they seemed to be as-

My mutant body could smell the blood, in a clean trail, and that wasn't a good sign.

"Hang on Tooru, please-"

Metallic sweetness, pulling me forward, ignoring the reason I could sense it-

Strangled, sounds in pain, slow footsteps.

And along with them, sounds the opposite, footsteps quick, uneven laughter, heavy breathing-

Tooru was no longer making snide remarks, the walls thin, I was running and there were blisters on my feet and I really should have thought out the attire better-

Rounded a corner-

In the dim backstage light, Tooru was splayed out on the ground bleeding from his side, tawny skin pale, the ghoul who'd brought him laying out similarly on the ground, none other than the fucking torso standing above him.

Fire ignited in my bones.

One swoop, and I stood in front of the A rate ghoul, a quinque to his throat, breathing hard with a blonde bob wig slipping messily from its position on my head.

"Sorry I'm late," I smiled at Mutsuki, tensing as I stood the barrier between him and the predator.

"I'm going to have to ask you to leave my subordinate alone, ghoul. Or things are going to get serious."

Slightly confused and annoyed, the ghoul only seemed to be deterred for a moment before reaching again to try and grab the boy.

Grimacing, I rammed the blunt end of my weapon hard right into the underside of his chin, a dull crack shooting him to the ground unconscious.

Quick, I shot Mutsuki a glance, briefly checking if both his attackers were down. "Come with me, can you walk?"

"Sensei-" he said breathlessly, voice weak. "Th… ank you, probably not but…"

I reached out a hand. "I'll grab Urie and have you sit the rest of this one out, if you can help it…" I said, but I worried that might not be the case.

Tooru took it, leaning on me heavily, and leaving the ghouls, we walked out, messy and traumatized.

//Hide//

I felt like I was back in the battle of Anteiku, as I crept around the edges of bloody chaos, smoke and fire, it was all the same, except I was in geta and a weird ass bathrobe, I couldn't talk and I also had a bag over my head. On second thought, maybe it was a bit different. 

I was not a ghoul, but I was no longer a known personage to the humans, so I found a knife arcing towards me from a certain CCG officer in a dress, diving to the ground and struggling up again, wheezing in the smoke.

I was perhaps not in as good physical health as I had been then, due to, well, many things involving Kaneki, but I was still alive, I was still alive so I got up, and moved on through the shadows.

Honestly though, I looked just the same underneath it all as many of the seasoned fighters here, in fact, there was this one old officer with glasses I'd seen who had much the same wounds as me, though he just wore a wacky turtleneck to cover it. 

I'd never really liked the look of him, and something told me it probably wasn't the same kind of situation (haha) but I thought a lot, wouldn't it be funny to just walk up and whip out my wonderful smile, ask him for his tragic backstory.

Something told me he wouldn't take it well, since I did such a job of hiding my identity.

Scarecrow was the name now, (and don't you dare tell me I got it from an imagine dragons song, though, uh, no comment, bleeding out if you Really wanted to know) though I couldn't say I'd picked up quite as many as Kaneki had in his time.

Haise now, wasn't it?

That was sweet.

In the dark, the thought sent a physical pain of longing through me, deep and wounding.

God, it was killing me how much I ached for this goddamn war to be over.

...I'd have to keep going if I ever wanted to save him, though.

Anonymous, I slipped past ghouls and humans alike, fighting, into the camera room, turning over a hand to check and inputting a code I'd written on my palm like an idiot.

Quietly, I slipped into the door and closed it behind me.

God, I had no clue how these machines worked. So I just started pressing buttons, hoping something would turn the screens on. 

I made a mangled noise of surprise, as they did.

A-12, front lobby, full of gathered CCG officers and a smothered fire that barely made it into that room.

B-3, a backstage corridor empty with a line of blood seeping into the wallpaper. Where I'd last seen him.

C-1. Alright, that must be the basement, didn't seem to be anyone in there anymore. Just a body. Ghoul body, blood surrounding her in a pool.

D-7 covered the higher levels, and- oh dear, there was that kid that nearly stabbed me back on the balcony. I wasn't even gonna try to guess what pronouns they used, so for the meantime, That Kid.

The kid was with two more, one with light skin and dark hair, the other with green hair and tan skin, the latter injured. They all seemed to be looking off camera, at D-8, next to them-

Bingo. My boy.

...in drag.

It had been a shock to see alright! And no matter how much makeup he put on, it was obviously him, if anyone would know it was me.

But… well, he'd certainly changed.

Jeez, he looked like a soccer mom. And he was trying to fight in the fucking pencil skirt and heels because of course he would, he was already barefoot, feet scuffed and dress out of place.

But perhaps the funniest thing was how clearly it wasn't his first time in drag, which made me incomprehensibly frustrated that I couldn't bully him about it.

God, just imagine it.

That awkward, shy boy who blushed so easily, who couldn't hold a drink or make a joke in his life… doing  _ drag _ . Like just. Absolutely crushing it. The boy who was about the farthest thing from confident , the boy who knew me since I was five and full out  _ screamed _ when I stole his phone and saw an "am i gay" test open. 

(God, Kaneki, just talk to me. I told you I was bi in like, seventh grade. I have two dads. I swear to god.)

I'd seen him before, in the,  _ new _ form, this person he'd reinvented himself to be… and though I might cry he wouldn't recognize me- most of all it made me so happy.

God, he fucking  _ ascended _ . Him in his stupid striped pants and stupid ass trench coat, his hair all fluffy when he used to straighten it out, his overdramatic gestures and general flair, and…

I turned the speakers on, for the camera he stood at now.

"Are you alright? Do you need new clothes, I brought some in case- yes, fine Urie you can grab a CCG coat, I want you two to go with Juuzou. Shirazu? Do you want to talk about it? No? ...Alright, Saiko, did you get away fine?"

"Yeah, I'm cool."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, m o m."

And there was this blurry black and white shadow fussing over children, still in a bloodstained dress.

And another leak of emotion hit my body, it made me feel so happy and far away, heart tearing right from my chest. It was such a wonderful person he'd grown into, he had  _ kids _ , (emotionally) he was trying so hard to be happy.

I couldn't let that smile leave him again. That happiness he was so determined to keep. But well… it would be a bit harder than it used to be to make everything right. Back when I said I'd be there for him and I meant I'd hold his hand and let him cry about his grades and have sleepovers whenever he wanted, but we weren't kids anymore, and he'd ended up needing a lot more than I could have anticipated.

But I still intended to make good on that promise.

On the screen, I saw two of his little quinxes run off with the black haired officer, and he took the other two off camera.

I followed them, monitoring the other halls just the same, and-

Aogiri was here, along with another group, the clowns. I had to put my detective skills to use without Kaneki around to psychoanalyze constantly, so thankfully I knew more about both than he probably did by now, not that it was fun.

I couldn't do anything to stop them, I was just… a guy. All I could do was watch and try to gauge their motive, predicting patterns but…

An unholy fucking scream, down the hallway.

It registered on the cams too, as I looked up.

A blur of black and white, in an oversized hooded cloak, a striped turtleneck, a laugh of pain and insanity, barefoot.

I stared into his face, eyes tired.

_ "What are you looking at, Takizawa-san?" I'd asked him a thousand years ago, tipping a hat up and leaning forward onto a chair, holding a ream of paper. _

_ A young, stubborn and childish face smiled to me, brown hair brushed out oddly like wings. "Aah, we're investigating this SS rate ghoul, centipede- you probably wouldn't know who I'm talking about-" _

_ "Takizawa! Stop handing out classified information!" _

Yeah, I knew it was the same guy, and it made me sad, though I'd only gotten to know him a month before the world changed so much.

I didn't fail to notice the appearance, the unmistakable marks I'd observed quite up close on Kaneki.

It was the same, the black nails, white hair, matted and grown out, the gaze torn to pieces by the mind behind it, it was like a brand.

Someone had done this to him on purpose, like they'd done to Kaneki, and it'd taken a good year to find out who and why.

But before I could think about the deep shit, it did come to my attention that the made ghoul was hurtling through the corridors straight out the roof door, the same place I knew Kaneki and his two kids to be. 

God, he'd suffered enough. 

With a scarred face in my hands, I couldn't do anything but hope he'd make it out intact.

//Haise//

Shirazu wasn't talking, and with a heavy heart, I knew why.

Saiko told me that they fought the nutcracker in the basement. Shirazu had never even been in a serious battle before. He was the one who had to kill her.

All I wanted to do was drag them all off this goddamn battlefield and cover their ears, hold them tight and tell them it'd all be alright but-

The night wasn't getting any brighter, as we emerged onto the roof, meeting up with the rest of the CCG now in sight, who'd only ask us to continue fighting.

I knew this feeling, with every fiber of my body. I felt everything he did and I couldn't tell him a single thing that would help him. I didn't want any of them to kill people, even if those people were ghouls- and if it were Urie, I'd probably scold him. But if it was Shirazu, I knew the situation must have truly been dire.

None of them signed up to kill, all I'd want to do is tell them they'd never have to again- but if I did, it would be a lie.

I tried to think I was good at lying, but…

...that wasn't a good thing.

Getting shamed and beaten down and made less than human if I fell to the ghoul inside of me but-

In combat if I killed with my quinque, the right way, the human way- Arima would give me a gold star.

I didn't know what to tell Shirazu, and I felt like shrinking into a ball and disappearing, my feet hurting like hell barefoot on cold ground.

Tired, I reached up and pulled the wig from my head, my oreo-style hair pulling lines of static electricity across my head. I let it tumble from my hands, too tired to mask anything.

I wanted everything to be ok, I wanted to think everyone I loved would be safe but I couldn't believe it, I wanted to think I was doing the right thing but how was I supposed to trust myself-?

And it was building up in my head at a deafening pitch-

_ Thwick _ .

I almost thought it was my own head for a hot second, anxiety at a crescendo it felt just like a physical manifestation of that feeling, completely overwhelmed and thrust backward with agonizing force.

Like lightning through my body, bones breaking, in every crevice of the form that held me-

I peeled off the wall and fell to the ground, reaching out my hands in defense but the pavement quickly stripped the skin off my hands, making a terribly small noise of pain as I forced my head up-

Ghoul, it was a ghoul, a haggard shadow of a thing with eyes hollow and lost, black lipped smile yanked up unnaturally on the sides-

Oh, god-

I pulled myself up, ignoring every tiny scream of my scarred body. And with cold November wind making my skirt flap around like a flag, I pulled out my quinque, hands already aching from gripping it so hard, protesting against resuming that position.

"Hhh-" I grimaced, looking up into the red eyes-

Eye. 

Singular.

One eyed ghoul

~~ like me ~~

His face was drawn and starved, pure white hair matted around his face, white and black stripes making his neck and hood near an optical illusion. Trembling fingers adorned with nails like black beetles, bloodstained and dripping.

Without introducing himself, he wrinkled his nose. "You smell like RC suppressants. Disgusting." And he smiled. "So, let's see which one of us is more a success, eh?" The man reached forward, spreading fingers, and without waiting for a response threw me solidly against the wall.

The force was tremendous, and I was by no means unbreakable. I didn't know who this was, what he wanted- 

Or at least I didn't remember if I did know him, staring into a violence that so frighteningly resembled the phantom in my mind.

The bruised nails, thin face, white hair lying flat and dead-

"Hello, fellow experiment, die <3"

I sucked in a breath of disbelief and threw my quinque up as a barrier, rinkaku smashing against it creepily similar to the forgien things that curled inside the small of my own back.

"Who are-"

But my mind stopped the question before it was halfway out, whispering in worry-  _ do you want to know? _

This ghoul seemed somehow connected with me, with what I didn't remember- and for that I feared him.

He was strong and disarming and  _ familiar _ , a complete stranger with a transplant of my nightmares in his skull.

Crashing, crashing, crashing of quinque steel on raw kagune, testing every bit of my strength, everything Arima made me. And I risked a glance back in worry-

There was a whole force behind me, held back in fear, some engaging Aogiri, none coming anywhere near me. And then there was Saiko and Shirazu, eyes wide, too close. The CCG thought so too, shouting out orders as I felt myself be thrown back, footing less than stellar. 

"First class Sasaki will hold off the owl! Retreat!"

Hesitation, guilt, fatal hesitation, in the form of love.

I smiled. " _ Run _ ."

I was a weapon.

Arrogantly, I risked a twirl of my quinque, thrusting forward from above with my legs out to try to disarm him but-

My head ricocheted off cold concrete, the world gone white-

"God, I don't wanna see up your dress, twinkle toes."

I- what was I to do-

Must be S- no, SS- Lethal like in history was impossible, dangerous like someone so young should never be able to obtain. I was killed already by virtue of being made a target.

SS, what I had been estimated at my worst.

  1. Was not at my worst. I wasn't.



And therein presented my dilemma, as I felt my blood leave me, bruises blossoming across my body like lovely flowers of pain, no defense, helpless-

_ Helpless helpless helpless _

My best- my best, my guts splattered on the ground and holding out my arms, ready to be hit again-

My worst- winning? Saving them? Being strong enough-

_ No- _

/Shhhk-/

Blood!! My heart beat at the door of my mind frantically, screaming, pointing at the slashes on my sides, my quinque slipping from limp hands, eyes glassy and fogged over with dissociation…

And something deep in my brain a hard wall against that, resurrecting my mind- no, I wasn't allowed to fall into the dark, the lovely dark-

_ -gore, dark and thick and screaming, a number number what comes w hh th thous and mi m minus s se ess sseven- _

...9...9...3?

Breath like ice in my lungs and eyes split open to see a bloodstained face, laughing, dancing with my corpse-

White, and black, and oh, I was helpless.

_ Tied down and ripped open, scream like a hand reached down my throat and pulled it out but there was nothing i could do, no bracing for it or cringing away or closing myself off until all I could do was lean into it- _

_ Over, over, over, a helpless rag doll for time immemorial, played with and thrown around and torn to shreds weakened with drugs to make me human _

Why take the abuse!? When it would be so easy to give in, why fight it?! Why refuse it when a way out of hell was right there, retribution right in the reach of the writhing hand-

"I'm second to this? Are you kidding me?" That warped laugh, tossing me in the air and leaping up to spike me down like a goddamn volleyball.

Shattering to pieces on impact, there was no fight at all, I was a corpse laid out on the ground. Loser. Martyr. Weak, tragedy, victim.

"If you're so damn fucking good why don't you prove it, huh? Your flesh should be good enough. I want to taste you!"

Pain!!

So small, a silhouette on the ground, a cold hand on my exposed thigh and an ear splitting bend- splinter-

Tears long since lost, my scream was hoarse, weak…

Holding him off, I was holding him off, wasn't I, but would that mean anything in the end if he just got to them afterward in the end, if he,

A whimper, teeth-

And slits of eyes saw them watching, noises of pain and heartache held back, there was nothing they could do-

But then I was swept into the air, enveloped in warm hands, ripped from the pain-

Huh…? I lifted my head with effort, sound all around me, and th…

A ghoul? A girl with a pointed mask, hair a warm brown, holding me protectively. She couldn't have been sixteen, and yet she must be- Aogiri?

I wondered, delirious, as she set me gently behind her and defended me against the white haired ghoul, but then she…

Called me onii-chan.

…

...Oh.

She wanted to save the person I hated most in the world. The one I did not know.

And bleeding on the ground, I hated to say something so mean to someone who saved me unwarranted, but she didn't hold a candle to him.

Would I be so despicable as to let someone die for a version of me I couldn't even remember?

Someone who stroked the back of my mind and made me fear, someone who another person cared for?

I stood, empty handed, dripping blood on the rubble beneath me, tired to the bone, and I held out a hand barring the unknown girl from the fight, the ghoul who was supposed to be my enemy.

"It's alright." And I walked forward, pain in every step, hair coated with gore. "You don't have to save me. I…" I grimaced. "I am not this person you loved… I am  _ Sasaki Haise- _ " I emphasized the name, desperately, staggering onward. "But I'm sure Kaneki must have been a great person… if he was remembered like this…"

Everything had gone black around me, except for the ground in front of me, the owl with my blood adorning his white hair, darkness drawing in.

I could fight, I could accept  _ him _ , I could take his hand and I'd save them and maybe…

I wouldn't survive it, maybe I'd lose the person I'd worked so hard to create from filthy ashes but… maybe I'd save someone… 

In the dark, a small child, hair white as pure snow, clinging to my leg, sobbing. Exhausted, I looked down and his eyes were shadowed, hidden by curtains of white so mournful.

"Are you Kaneki too?" I asked, dark circles under my eyes.

"...don't leave me alone… H…"

Haise? Did he mean to say Haise? Or…

His fists clung to the hem of my ripped skirt, and he met my eyes, grey and red, filled with tears, wide and scared.

So he'd been just as scared as me, or… I'd been just as scared then as I was now.

Nice to know, as I went into the dark.

Familiar, I knelt down and embraced the child.

And familiar, dull cold pain, clouds of breath drifting from my mouth, in front of the owl, reaching out my hand, pulling a finger in.

Tired, a thick  _ crack- _

"Give me the power to protect. It's alright if I disappear."

I walked forward, and stared at the ground, tunnel vision fading everything else to naught.

But all at once it shattered, split open to the air-

"MAMAN!!"

My eyes widened, caught halfway-

Saiko, on the balcony above, her arm reaching out and streams of tears pouring down her face-

...oh. Oh. Oh, I'd forgotten. Covered in blood and so, so tired-

There was a reason, I tried-

A child clinging to my leg, but it was Saiko, crying, "Please, don't go-"

...I couldn't disappear.

I remembered covering a child's eyes, as she cried out for her mother-

I remembered these words from a familiar smile-  _ Live, be stubborn and fight on and live for me, ok? _

I couldn't leave them behind, be a martyr and run from my problems, someone told me to live. Fight, and live, and be everything I had to be.

"I'll be fine, Saiko."

Kagune erupted from behind me, peeling away from each other, almost like wings at my back. And empty handed I flung myself at the owl, gracelessly, skirt torn and barefoot, weary muscles pulsing fire. 

Save them, I was going to save them, I'd own up to myself, to my monstrousness. The world was so big, hurtling down the side of a building, facing something filled with such rage.

Could a monster be good?

Could I be?

The thought gave me starry audacity, a clarity and warm yellow light washing over me-

So was it alright for me to do the unthinkable?

Kagune absorbed my momentum and reversed, launching me off the side of the building and reaching out, open mouth-

On my bloodstained enemy, I bit down.

-

The world came crashing in.

So that was what life was supposed to taste like. Like I'd been held underwater for two whole years, suffocating in dull anesthetic, watered down sustenance and RC suppressants. The world was so bright through my eyes and screaming in my ears, a piercing pungent smell and hot blood on my tongue.

Strong, my feet planted hard on the ground and my kagune thrust forward, sharpening and splattering dark blood on the concrete.

I lived.

I looked to the ghoul who called me big brother, and up at Saiko's tears, and I stood. Smiling, blood smudged across my mouth.

Here, look, I did it, I saved them. I lived like you asked.

Was I right? Was I wrong?

When the white suited officers came to collect her, I lied and told them I beat her. She would go to cochlea. I was a monster, drenched in blood, and I embraced my child.

Was Kaneki wrong?

If he wasn't, did that make me alright?


	6. Hide Finds His Emotional Turmoil Very Humorous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hide!!! Hide gets the spotlight here for some good old fashioned ANGST and YEARNING (I hope you can't tell I don't have a sINGLE CLUE what he's actually doing at this point in time other than being gay) He's been thriving as much as he can, but now he kind of goes on a nostalgia trip and bears some heavy shit. Don't worry, he will be happy eventually T-T 
> 
> This was originally supposed to be the same chapter as the next one, but i checked the word count and went holy hell no let's split this up  
> So this is a short chapter now but it's chock full of emotion so lmao

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELL YEE i uploaded on christmas and now i will upload on new years, I'm super pumped bc I just started writing the climax and things are getting real intense >:) also my beta said they hated arima so much it was unreal and that made me happy considering he's never read tokyo ghoul, i guess you can figure out what the next few chapters are about from that stance but that's the best feeling i'm like "YES THIS IS THE POINT FEEL MY FEELINGS"

//Hide//

I really did be crying in the club as soon as it got dark, huh?

Or. Well. I was crying in my room, alone. To be more accurate. I'd be happier if I was in a club or something, theoretically, but socializing isn't really a viable option when you're a missing person. 

With an ever present grimace, I was hunched over on my bed wrapping gauze around a wound to my ankle. It was the throwing knife of a CCG officer, another from the slice of a kagune digging into the skin of a shoulder already scarred deep. 

It wasn't the pain, it really wasn't, if I cried every time I felt pain the tears would never stop coming.

I just…

I was so tired.

Let's change the subject.

...Unsurprisingly, I no longer lived in the apartment I'd had when I went to Kamii.

It had been so shitty honestly, when it all happened because I'd just gotten a new place too. 

The thing was, Kaneki hadn't had enough money for his own place freshman year of college, so he and I had shared a dorm, but sophomore year I managed to get him out of there, each of us getting our own tiny apartments respectively to live like Real Adults™. But well, that had kind of gone down the drain.

It wasn't as if I wasn't fond of the place I got even if it was small, I could do anything I wanted with it and I didn't have to worry about bothering Kaneki if I stayed up till dawn. I could bring over other friends or like, maybe a partner if I wanted without it getting weird, it was all perfectly fine but…

I'd liked living with Kaneki. When we were both eighteen, that we'd joked about since fifth grade. I'd helped him through our first year, we dormed together, I copied his homework, we ate together and went everywhere with each other, slept in the same bed, his smaller form curled like a shrimp in my arms.

It wasn't always the most convenient thing, considering how small the place was, but when we did the big fancy move and I finally slept on my own?

Not gonna lie, it fucking sucked ass. Withdrawal symptoms, I tell you!

...God, I was stuck on him.

I couldn't manage without him. I'd never wanted to say it because… he was the one that needed my help, not the other way around. I was accommodating him, I was doing it for him, I'd already figured myself out, he came first. I realized I needed to let him develop on his own, make his own friends that weren't by extension mine, grow into his own when he'd always stayed in his comfort zone right beside me.

I'd never been complaining when he was, but I'd known he had a chronic lack of people other than me to hang around. His circle consisted of, well, himself, me, his teachers, and his books. 

His stupid fucking murder books by Tata moon Scent or whatever, he didn't really have anyone to talk to them about and it made me feel so horrible inadequate when I realied there were some aspects of his life I couldn't completely fill.

I was used to being his everything, and so was he. He didn't realize it either, which was the saddest thing. Always asked me to read them but I just kept going "I can't read" or '"uh, I'm not very into vore" (lmao) to which he'd frantically explain that's nOT what it's abOUT,  _ Hide _ ,

And yeah. There was this pretty girl reading those things in a coffee shop. And I wasn't sure at this point he even really liked girls but he wasn't saying if he didn't. If he actually did wanna date her, well then good for him, if he didn't, he'd have a friend who could give him what I couldn't. And I thought if I set them up I might finally be cured of the terminal simp disease Kaneki seemed to be so oblivious to but-

_ God _ fucking  _ hell _ I was wrong.

So ridiculously off the mark, I was in motherfucking orbit.

...I always gave the right advice, I was the one everyone went to for that stuff, my record was perfect. Relationships fixed, grades improved, home situation diffused. I'll tell you what you need for free, I was just trying to help because that was how I functioned, that was my role, that was what made it all worth living for.

And I failed. So badly.

I was so fucking sorry but I'd never be able to make it up to him if I walked to the moon and back. 

I was trying. I really was.

But what was I supposed to do in a darkened room with no address bandaging wounds from both sides, alone by the light of a lamp.

I was so pitiful, I was so useless, I was so hurt with no one to blame but myself.

Humans naturally gravitate towards blaming others for their pain if it can at all be done, and I was human- shamefully, weakly, torn apart. I tried to, I really did but no amount of smiles I could not give would shift the blame to anyone but me for my failure at everything I was supposed to be.

To be angry at Kaneki would be perfectly understandable, I supposed, if I was anyone other than myself I wouldn't blame me for it. When so many of my wounds came directly from him. But even if I tried to feel anything remotely less than love towards him all it would do was make me sad.

I hadn't spoken a word to him, his eyes hadn't fallen on me in years. He was far too far away for me to be angry with him. Those bright warm emotions, sunny yellow and orange towards him, how I cherished him and felt happy with him and he made everything full- they changed when I wasn't looking, but they didn't fade. They'd only fallen into deep pink.

I could not be angry with him if it cost me my life, if it cost me my brightness and my smile. I knew that all too well.

If ever this was to change, like I so often yearned towards, if the world all worked out like I was trying to force it to and there was some over daydreamed future where he saw me again, where he knew me again, where he could smile for me-

God knew I'd slap him across the face. Whack him good for all his stupid ass decisions, all the thousand things I wanted to yell at him pent up in silence all these two years-

Why didn't you tell me when I could have fixed this? Why couldn't you trust me when you always had before? When you always came to me with every problem why did it take my blood to make you? Why did you leave me? Why'd you have to go away…? 

What on earth made you want to be a martyr  _ so fucking bad? _

But he wasn't here, and frustration like that could only ever boil down to depression when I could not hold him close.

I was in love with him, I was. But I was made to give love, not to receive it.

I guess he got to be his own person like I wanted.

I could almost laugh, but I was already leaking tears into my hands, a wet laugh and my mask getting soaked in misery. 

I peeled it off, taking in a deep, shuddering breath.

It didn't matter, no one could see me here. I lived somewhere I wouldn't be found by anyone who might be looking (I'm looking at you, fucking V) but the downsides were like. Everything.

It was what I needed.

Bright colors plastered themselves across the room so bland, though not what I'd have wanted back then. You know, video games or hyperspecific merch of whatever I was super into back then. Like, posters of the newest Imagine Dragons album or something, in which I would Google Translate The Lyrics (so much for seven years of english classes lol) and sing with absolute confidence anyway-

Yeah, I couldn't really do that anymore. I could kinda hum I guessed, but there's not much you can do without a fucking tongue. (I am once again asking Why kaneki)

Instead, it was a dresser with a bunch of masks laid out on it like a deck of cards.

Rainbow print, ghibli shit, smiley face, ridiculously tacky mp100 mask, fancy yellow one, bacon, cat face, etc, plus then some of the more heavy duty ones for when I like, actually went out and did shit. And then of course, the burlap sack with the lenny face on it.

For official business, you know.

It's not like I had anything else to do but cry, so here, you're getting a virtual tour of my dumb bedroom, because why not. Beside the masks there was a mirror on the wall and a whiteboard and markers, because well most idiots don't know sign language and I Simply Could Not Speak. Then there was a bedside table with a bunch of random things on it, medical stuff, items I needed and a wallet with real cash in it (fun fact, dead people don't get credit cards.) and a phone on someone else's plan. Didn't have my own anymore.

Then there was well, the pile of shit, the dreaded pile of shit stuffed in the corner between my bed and the other wall, the things I dared not ever move even if I'd never let myself look at them.

What I'd taken from Kaneki's place, back then.

I don't remember what most of it was, just that if I tried to dig into it I knew I'd break to pieces. But it was always there, lying folded on the carpet, bright blue and black, worn and familiar.

That sweatshirt he used to wear. Kid got that as a birthday present from me in tenth grade and never let it go.

Well, until he did.

...I missed him.

I didn't want to miss him this bad. I wasn't supposed to, I was strong, I was supposed to just rush to his aid without a struggle and hold out a hand like motherfucking prince charming. But in reality it was more like trying to clean up the mess he'd made like some underpaid night janitor, hiding my wounds so he wouldn't feel bad when he remembered what he'd done. So.

I was trying so hard. And I could have just let it go, let him be, just left it and moved on but I didn't want to. I didn't want to and what the hell kind of friend would I be to do it?

But the fact remained that he wasn't here, I was alone, I was alone and I'd  _ never  _ been good with that, I could pretend but-

Fuck this goddamn world, I couldn't fucking do it.

This being patient thing, this being subtle and using my detective skills and trying to unravel this whole stupid delicate conspiracy, even if I knew I was the only one in the world who could do it for him?

I was just so tired, I was so scarred and faded and hidden and it  _ hurt so bad. _

I was a simple man, I just wanted to hug him again.

I wasn't a selfless savior no matter how hard I tried to be, I didn't have any special powers, I was just… a normal guy. Bright colors didn't make me a main character, it just made me a target. We weren't in sailor moon. A mask with a smile on it did nothing for what was underneath, I could only take so much- and bleeding, I cried.

And my fucking phone buzzed.

Great.

**Eto:** Furuta Nimura

The leader of those fucks

Tell your CCG whores Kano is working with the clowns now, backstabbing fuck, never liked him

If u see me reblogging your tumblr dot fuck posts no u do not I swear I'm doing important things

Details in my latest book about your estranged bf and his future with goats

Sure, great. I was way too tired to respond.

**Hide:** h

But just as I responded, I got another, a blank icon and a number I didn't recognize.

**V:** Cease.

Fuck. Great.

**Hide:** no <3

And for good measure, I pulled a "so no head?", quick deleted my account and threw my phone in a river. I fucking hate my life.

It was alright, I had another just for situations like these. 

I'd be fine, it was all for a good cause.

The sky was darkening outside, as much as it would in Tokyo, and I'd finally made contact with some of the CCG uppers, a certain Marude. Finally, something, I supposed.

I sighed, and wiped the tears away, put headphones on and made spotify play Break My Face on repeat because. Yeah.

A promise. That's what it was, even though I was still so far away, I knew what they had planned for Kaneki and I finally had some rough idea of how to stop it? I guessed.

Not absolute doom? Vibing.

Maybe. Maybe I'd get to see him again, I'd get to save him, I'd get to finally fix this whole mess, and then maybe I'd be able to give myself a break.

Mask, anonymous, smile painted on, covering everything and pulling on a yellow sweater, slipping into the night.

It'd be no use to lay around and cry. I wasn't the kind of person to let this stuff get me down, I'd be fine, I wasn't going to abandon him when he needed me the most. Even if it felt useless now, even if it hurt, I couldn't give up on him, even if he didn't know my name.

He'd suffered enough.

It was only fair for me to share the burden.


	7. A Concerning Amount of Memories, and Oh Hey It's That Guy We Hate!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been a bit of a break for the squad, but now they're back at it again with new issues and progressively more haise panic. Some bitch mailed him his old mask, some bitch tries to seduce him in the park, some bitch deleted his file in the CCG office, bitches really seem to want to have a say in Haise's memories. Even Akira. (do not worry we stan akira in this household she's fine)  
> And yes, this chapter is the longest one yet still even after I've broken up the hide and haise parts. Deal with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyway I better tw y'all for guess what, tsukiyama's here and he's an ass but dw he gets shut down real quick and it's funny  
> I'm back in school now so you probably think that means I'll get less done, wrong, the only time I get writing done is when i'm actively supposed to be listening to something else but can't just look at tumblr
> 
> OH ALSO YEAH GUYS CHECK OUT LOCKETHEART'S DISCORD SERVER FIC BASED ON THIS!!! It's very good it's cute and adorable and fucking hilarious, mostly quinx squad and we stan that for them

//Haise// 

My mind was opening, a little bit, I believed. 

Christmas passed, and I got Mutsuki a new eyepatch, unsure of what else to really get for someone who wouldn't admit to ever wanting anything ever. All the rest of the kids got what they'd asked for, except for Shirazu- he can't drive, he's not getting a motorcycle.

What I got?

A mask. In the mail.

No, not a surgical mask or anything (it's not 2020)- A ghoul mask. I'd thought it was a christmas present until I opened it at least, and… the thing was made of leather, hard and sturdy and worn. It was black, with multiple straps, a motif of a bared set of teeth, a zipper you could pry open to bare the wearer's mouth.

If I hadn't known of ghoul masks, I would have probably assumed it was some weird bdsm thing, which, fair, but.

It was a ghoul mask, to protect one's identity from the CCG. The zipper was for eating.

And above the mouth, tied on the right side, an eyepatch.

...an… eyepatch. Unnerving, pulling, tickling the side of my memory- why had this been sent to me? And then I saw the inscription on the inside, a slip of paper falling out:

_ To Ken Kaneki… or current resident. _

The name, the name that I knew to be my past, I knew like a healed over scar, waiting to be ripped open again.

It unnerved me, that someone existed still who would call me that name, who would see me as that person when I couldn't say the same.

I'd always treated it as a slur, under my roof, that name. (Urie learned it, said it once, and immediately got his rights revoked for the whole week.) They made fun of me for it, but I… couldn't hear it. I couldn't, I couldn't, I couldn't or I'd simply ~pass away~.

But recently… I'd been getting better with it, I guessed? Coming to terms with it? I could hear it without immediately going apeshit, tentatively prodding the area of my mind that reacted so strongly to it.

I was scared, I was still scared of what I used to be… but after what happened in the last battle, it seemed that the course of action I'd always stuck with might stand to be corrected.

That instead of running from my abilities and my power and my past, letting them take control and break me and overflow me with guilt and anxiety… as much as it might hurt, the right path might be to try and understand it?

To create… a better relationship with that tired little kid in my mind.

I might not be able to protect them all without learning to use it, to accept it. To grow barely acquainted with this Ken Kaneki who might… not have been all bad.

I'd gotten a taste. That taboo taste in the cold air on the roof of the auction building, kagune unfurled behind me like a flower, blood spattered on my face.

It had helped me. It had helped me and I hadn't killed anyone, I hadn't done anything terrible and it…

It tasted good.

_ Nothing  _ tasted good.

The best I could hope for was mildly tolerable, the drugged sludge from cochlea I tried to cook into looking like "real" food, human food.

No, that wasn't real, I took a bite of someone's face and felt blood run down the side of my mouth, that was real. Everything was clear, only one bite and my constant headache seemed to ebb, echoes of memories flaring inside me, so many RC cells counteracting the suppressants. 

I was more, I had clear air in my lungs, eyes that needed no glasses, skin that didn't bruise like a flower petal, no longer scared and vulnerable and submissive.

And maybe I began to wonder if seeking the high of humanity was really right, the ideal that made me write off all ghouls as inherently evil.

I'd thought so, I'd told myself so, I'd been told so many times. But then…

I was saved by one.

Hinami Fueguchi, the ghoul from Aogiri who saved me from being consumed, who called me onii-chan when I couldn't for the life of me recognize her face, who now imprisoned in cochlea still spoke to me as if I was family.

She knew me, and she had… a book. Signed with that name. 

_ To Kaneki Ken, from Takatsuki Sen. _

To know that in another life, I'd enjoyed reading Takatsuki…

What an utterly terrifying thing.

So when I received this mask… I was scared, yes, how could I not be, everything in my body trying desperately to run from this thing I didn't even recognize- some trauma, that must be associated with it-

But at the same time, I was stubbornly intrigued.

I clamped down on that feeling, tried to return it to sender, but the odd tattooed man in charge of the mask shop refused to take it back, insisting that it was mine by virtue of 'or current resident'.

...Was I the 'current resident' of Kaneki Ken's body?

Some dark parts of me wanted to think so. But rationally- optimistically- I stubbornly contradicted.

Wouldn't I still… be the same soul? Even without memory, I knew, I wasn't an imposter, I wasn't a parasite in his body but… a continuation of him? A betterment of him, a chance to make amends?

Was I Kaneki Ken?

And that question rippled through my mind as I stared at the mask in my hands, like a single droplet of water falling into the sea, creating tremors out to its most distant shores.

Even as I did that, Akira called me the sudden noise making me nearly drop the leather thing to the ground.

"Uh, hi mom-"

"...what did you just call me?"

"Investigator Special Class-"

" _ Akira _ , Haise." She rolled her eyes audibly through the phone. "We've been over this. Anyway, I was told to tell you since you missed the last meeting for training your Qs, you and the squad you mentor have been assigned to investigate the possibility of a connection between Aogiri Tree and the clan that's been cropping up we're calling the Rose clan, they were at the auction. They want you to collect intel in the 20th ward."

I furrowed my brow. "Why the 20th?" It wasn't close, what with our base being in the 1st and all. 

"They've been very active over there, I've been told. Is there a reason you can't make it over there?"

I blanched. "No, of course. Of course, I'll get right on it," I said and ended the call before I could say something stupid. 

Sighing, I set the phone back down, hands shaking.

Alright, I guessed it was time to tell the squad.

20th ward. 20th ward. I'd never been there, I always kept around headquarters except on official business. I never liked to stray far.

In terms of ghoul activity… I'd never found anything on it. At all, in recent years anyway when I looked through records. And that was odd, because there was always something to report. 

...that meant… it had something to do with me.

As I realized it, the thought would usually make me avoid the whole area, but instead… It made me angry. An emotion I wasn't sure I was allowed to feel.

...Well I was going there now anyway.

A quick google search revealed the highlights of the area, and what was I but not, soft, so the next day the entire quinx squad and I were sitting at a booth in the new coffee shop there, a place called, uh, Anteiku 2: Electric Boogaloo…

I thought the name was funny. So sue me. We went. It couldn't hurt, anyway.

I'd planned on sitting there and discussing our best way to go about getting intel with the squad, but as soon as I walked in, the place was…

...heavenly.

It was like the smell of nostalgia, calm and quiet and tasteful but at the same time filled with interesting little knick knacks in every corner, the building clearly newly built but with an air of, well, antiquity.

It was odd, how the smell made me weak in the knees- it was coffee, I had coffee all the time, it…

The rest of the kids took it much as any other establishment, sitting down at a table and flirting with the waitress and all, but I was sort of zoned out the whole time, feeling… off.

"So, uh, come here often??" Saiko grinned at one of the younger waitresses, a girl with spiky blonde hair and dark blue eyes, probably around Saiko's age. Her name tag said Ana. The waitress… looked at her.

"I, work here."

"Uh, oh, of course-"

Mutsuki smiled, elbowing the girl. "Do you come here often. Really. You gonna ask her if she listens to girl in red next?"

"Shut. Your mouth."

"..."

"But really," she turned back, realizing she was now talking to a different waitress, with violet hair and a spunky look to her. "Why is this place called Anteiku 2 Electric Boogaloo? Because we stan, but like? What."

The waitress laughed. "Ah well, it's because the building that originally used to stand here housed a coffee shop called Anteiku. It burned down two years ago. But we rebuilt." She shrugged. "We thought about calling it :re, but this one thought we ought to go for comic relief." She ruffled the girl's hair affectionately. 

I ordered coffee (like you do) and the owner and the waitress left, leaving Saiko turning into the booth and smiling widely, waggling her eyebrows. "Ana. Ana. Ana. Ana. Ana."

Everyone started laughing.

"Noooo but. Seriously guys do u. Do u think she listens to girl in red-"

Our stay at the cafe was short, comparatively, but… I couldn't get it out of my mind, an itch, something that would bother me until I realized why it was there, and it was bothering me more than usual.

The whole area gave me terrible feelings of deja vu, and as the squad and I walked through the streets, I never had any trouble finding my way around.

We were about to call it a day and head back (we weren't really trying to gather any information at this time, this was just really to get a scope for the area) when Saiko begged to stop in a gamestop or something, and well. It's not like I had anything else to do, and we weren't on the clock anyway (it was Saturday.) So I said fine, and told the rest of them they could go wherever they wanted in the square as long as they were back by three.

It wasn't as if there was much place for me to go (there seemed to be a critical lack of bookshops in the area, sacrilege) so I found myself just lounging on a bench in the middle of the square, a book open on my lap, legs crossed, my glasses slid most of the way down my nose.

It was rather nice and pleasant, that was, until someone appeared to frighten my ghost straight out of my body.

I had been deeply engrossed in my book, held close to my face, my cheeks slightly flushed (we are not discussing the genre of said book) when all of a sudden a loud voice made me nearly leap right out of my seat.

"Why, good afternoon!!"

"AEHIFHDDSFDSHD UM" I slammed the book shut, bracing my legs together and looking up into the face of a tall, twinkish looking man, fashion sense very confident but a crime against nature, a smile that made me want to stab out my eyes.

"...Do I… know you??" I asked, voice heightened, trying to be as polite as possible while unnerved by the color of his hair. (how… praytell… did hair get so purple… so eyebleedingly purple…)

The man made a face, somewhat between vexation and a hit to his self esteem. He quickly recovered though, making a dramatic gesture towards himself. "Of course you do! I'm Shuu Tsukiyama, you're my loveable sidekick! We used to be quite good friends," he gestured dramatically. 

I gave him an utterly blank gaze. 

"...am I supposed to accept you don't remember, Kaneki? All those vivid days?"

And there it was again, the name.

That wasn't me, or was it me, the identity I no longer remembered.

Here, in the 20th ward.

...what had happened here?

"I… I'm not the person you're looking for, I'm sorry… I've got memory problems and such. If I used to know you, I'm not aware of it." I smiled apologetically at the man, my shoulders hunched oddly, stiff. "My name is Haise Sasaki… but…"

I chanced it.

"...I used to be Ken Kaneki. Before I can remember."

As soon as I said that, the man lit up again, straightening his tie and leaning in uncomfortably close. "Well then, let me jog your memory." He sat down next to me on the bench, crossing his legs rather loudly (in the way of body language) and opening his hands. "I probably know more about you than you even know about yourself." He paused for a second, thinking. "Ah yes, you like your coffee black. You're an introvert and rather dislike talking to people you don't already know. You tend to read the same books over and over, avoiding new ones. Your favorite color is black. And I seem to recall that you're quite a fan of the works of Sen Takatsuki." He cocked his head and smiled arrogantly, as if he expected glitter to spring from his wink.

Rather blown away, I blinked.

"I'm… sorry to disappoint," I laughed nervously, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. "But I'm not really at all like what you say. I  _ love  _ meeting new people, first of all. And I love reading new books. Why would I shut myself off from learning new things, gaining new perspectives and connections?" I smiled, seeking approval. "I am rather an introvert, but I'm not like that." I bit my lip. "And I'm really not sure what gave you the impression that I enjoyed Takatsuki Sen, I…" I shrugged. "I respect her as a writer, she is very talented, but… I don't know, I'd really rather not waste my time on stories that always end horribly." My smile slumped a bit, self deprecating. "Am I evil for wanting to read about a happy ending for once?"

The man called Tsukiyama looked quite taken aback, and somehow personally offended by the thought that his diagnosis of me might not be correct. "Well… I, of course, but…"

It was odd, because although I didn't know, Hinami did have a book by Takatsuki marked with... my… name.

It would appear that this man did know me- he wasn't just a random perv- just not… me.

"And as for my favorite color? Black is far too dreary. I'd probably pick a shade of light blue or pink, but… I don't know. I've never really worn anything quite so bright, but… yellow. Yellow is my favorite color." 

Tsukiyama's brow furrowed, blinking and looking to the side, pursing his lips. "Well. People can change, I suppose. But you're still the same person I knew," he smiled, following that up with something horrendous in french, don't look at me, I don't know french.

"What are you saying," I smiled uncomfortably, confused and intimidated.

I… didn't like him. It. There was no reason for it, there was nothing to suggest anything wrong with him, he was being quite nice but- something in his face, in his posture or his eyes or perhaps just the curve of his hands raised hairs on the back of my neck. And I leaned away, as he leaned forward, aura clouded with the smell of a perfume so pungent I felt lightheaded, weak.

"Whatever are you being so cold for, Kaneki-kun? I'm your long lost best friend!" He proclaimed himself, brandishing manicured hands.

That. No. That was. That was wrong. If I could tell anything, it was that, from the nausea bubbling up in my stomach and the sudden ache in my heart- it wasn't as if I had a best friend, much less a long lost one, but…

He wasn't it.

"You know, I was a bit dissuaded to see how much you've changed, but I don't mind the new style of book you're reading either," He smirked. 

I clutched the romance to my chest. 

"You know, you could come along with me to dinner later and perhaps we could catch up ((some even worse, more cheesy thing in french))"

!!!No!!!

My face was a blank, polite smile but my mind screamed, and breathing unevenly I stood, stumbling over words. "I- I don't know spanish sorry-" I began to walk away fast, closing my book and clenching my teeth but there was a hand on my coat sleeve, calling out wait, tripping me up-

Kids, cover your ears- H*ck-

And then something altogether unexpected, but thoroughly appreciated: four colorful nineteen year olds interrupting this with wonderful timing.

"Hey, Sasaki, what's up, who's the homo?" Urie, with far too many shopping bags on one arm.

"Uh-"

"Yo, uh, not to quote your own words back at you but I can't believe we leave you alone for five minutes and you've already been groomed by a perv," Saiko crossed her arms.

Thank god.

Immediately the man saw the teens and threw his hands up, rapidly talking. "Oh, um, hello, Kaneki-kun how delightful, you have children! I'm Tsukiyama, and old friend of-"

"Wait a minute." Mutsuki spoke, skeptical. "Wasn't…" He turned to the other two boys, raising an eyebrow. 

Shirazu's eyes widened, pointing at the purple haired man. "You're the guy!! The guy who that short girl said wanted Sassan's underwear for!!"

Silence.

"... _ Ew _ ," everyone said at once, and thankfully, I found the balls to back away.

That kind of seemed to do it for Tsukiyama, and I stood with the rest of them now, staring upon him in disapproval.

Silently, we started to walk away, and he saw the people all around, the CCG logo on Urie's uniform, (which he had on despite it being a saturday) pointedly not following us.

...I found myself thinking that human or ghoul, it didn't make a difference, he was quite despicable either way.

But that feeling of unknown dread, the 'let's roll the mystery trauma wheel'- that was something I didn't like. I never wanted to feel it again.

And I was scared to say it out loud but I-

I wanted to know what he had done to me. 

I wanted to know what all my scars meant. I wanted to know why I flinched at random words and why cracking knuckles did that to me and why every number that was a fucking multiple of seven seemed to be a trigger?

I wanted to know about the mask.

...Sadly, it didn't take too long to learn.

Well, I'd had success with the crossdressing bit, so why not just take it a bit further, huh?

I had to help the CCG, I wanted to be the best I could but I couldn't help but feel the curiosity. And if anyone was to do the job… it would probably be the qs and I.

"We're going to go undercover as ghouls!" I told them all around the dinner table again, because at this point, where else.

"First women, and now this?" Urie asked. "Damn might as well just say you hate yourself Sasaki. It's a pretty elaborate dress up game you've got us all playing."

"That's so mean," I said sincerely, looking down.

"No, but really." Tooru spoke up, mouth half full. "How much would we actually be changing but our clothes? We're…" he pursed his lips, "Pretty much indistinguishable from ghouls at this point, guys. At least visually."

"You have a point," Urie shrugged. "I remember a certain  _ someone  _ briefly trying to fucking  _ exterminate  _ me at that last battle because they're so blind only seeing through one eye,  _ Mutsuki _ ."

"Gee, I wonder who that could have been," he smiled, completely avoiding any sort of apology. "You were kind of going nuts, you couldn't blame whoever did it…"

"Kids," I said. "We're going to get you masks. Like ghoul masks. The CCG gave us the money."

Saiko cocked her head. "Where does one obtain a ghoul mask? And why would you KNOW??" She pursed her lips, confused. "And are you just… not coming?"

I… pressed the tips of my fingers together, growing red and uncomfortable. "Well… I…"

"Did you just forget Sasaki's a ghoul Saiko?" Urie deadpanned, smirking.

I looked away. "I… already have a mask."

And so I came to be explaining what happened, how the shop sent me that, shortly ending up having them all spend some time at the shop getting masks all variations on Kringe, ridiculous, and perilously flashy.

"Not to be like, pretentious or anything, but like that place was like if hot topic was a knock off of something. That would be the real place," Urie gestured back.

"It smells like fucking raw beef in there," Shirazu stuck out his tongue.

"GEE, Ginshi, it's aLmOsT like that place is run by GHOULS, or something," Mutsuki raised his eyebrows. 

"Yeah, that's probably the cannibalism, lads," Saiko said, digging around in the bag all the masks were in. "No but literally, maman, that's so weird. Why is the ghoul place sending you shit?? Like for no reason??"

"Well… that's the thing, dear. It's not." I cringed inward. "I'm not sure but I…" I looked down at the mask in my hands. "I think this is my mask."

"MAMAN LORE DROP???" 

I pulled it out, looking up at her. "It's not like I know any more than I've already told you."

"No offense, Sasaki, but I do  _ not  _ see you wearing that thing," Urie raised his eyebrows. "It would be actually comical."

I laughed, but it was strained. "Yeah, yeah, I…" The sky was dark, and we stood now at the crossroads of two back streets in the 20th ward, everything scarily empty.

I wouldn't blame people for not being out, especially in an area so infested with ghouls. And I hesitated even as the rest of them were putting on their masks, glancing up at them, down at the mask, up down up down again-

I still feared it.

That familiar leather, shaped to my face, the zipper of teeth stained rusty.

What if I put on that mask and I could never again take it off? If I pulled the straps around my head and suddenly I saw the world in a different light, I put it on and I was that red eye, I couldn't go back?

But… no. That's not what would happen, it wasn't the truth, just an exaggerated nightmare.

I took a deep breath and took off my glasses, raising the leather mask to my face and fiddling with the straps, layering the eyepatch over my human eye, pulling the zipper tight. I…

Looked up and it felt odd, tunnel vision out of one eye. It felt like deja vu, these surroundings, this darkness, the thick smell of the inside of the mask, leather and sweat and blood breath not completely washed out.

But I was still grounded here, still me with my hair two tones, hovering on the edge of sanity looking terribly out of place in this scary mask.

"God, uh, I know I joked earlier about maman putting on the mask and instantly turning badass, but it is nice to see how clearly I was wrong," Saiko said, smiling.

"I'm sorry," I apologized, clinging to the black outfit I was wearing undercover, standing stock still. "Should I try to look more intimidating?"

" _ Yes _ ," everyone said in unison.

Well… I'd try, I supposed, though it might make me the most uncomfortable being on the planet."You look straight up ready to vore someone," Saiko said and gave me a thumbs up. Helpful.

"Alright. No more idle talk, we'll do no good blowing our cover." I said, pulling the hood over my head. "Act… ghoulish. I dunno."

I wasn't even sure how to follow my own instructions, but we split up nonetheless, silently, prowling the streets.

The streets, they were too close to home, and I didn't know what home was.

Shadowy visions in my head, a version of myself in this mask, hair hanging over my eyes a straight pure black, delirious, stumbling, hungry.

Reluctantly, cautiously, I followed him.

I got used to the mask, I got used to the feeling, and oddly I started to… know what I was doing, my stride becoming longer, my posture taller, expression harder, fear falling away.

So when we ran across the first ghoul, I only barely flinched, standing my ground and staring the masked person down.

No words, I'd say nothing, I was sure if I did it would blow my cover right away, I was like a terrible undercover cop going 'howdy fellow kids' holding a skateboard and if I opened my mouth at all that would be quite evident, no matter what my biology was.

It was odd, when the man with the mask and the red eyes made no attempt to hide or excuse his ghoulhood, in pale moonlight, seeing me and recognizing me as just the same. 

But after an odd beat, the man's eyes widened, drawing back in black clothes.

He hadn't seemed particularly happy to see me before, only annoyed (probably… competition for hunting grounds he might think) but now… he did look intimidated.

Was it my face? Was it really working, did I really seem scary?

Or… was it the mask?

Hurriedly, I nodded at the man and moved to disappear as he did the same.

I looked up. Shirazu and Urie would be on the top of the buildings above, ready to leap down if necessary, and I felt uneasy. Then there were Mutsuki and Yonebayashi lurking in the shadows. 

I should have been more scared, but I wasn't. Behind the mask, I felt…

Confident, my eye that could see in the dark bared and the one that cried looking away.

It was a forbidden thought.

The squad followed me, and I followed the smell of human blood, somewhere on the grimy streets. And I wasn't even that bothered. I wasn't like "oh god oh dear blood" "oh my god I'm a monster" "I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry" I was?? Functioning?? And that in and of itself was… disturbing.

And there it was, in the corner of a narrow alley, four pairs of footsteps sounding on the asphalt.

Masked figures, helping each other carrying a body dripping blood, wrapped in cloth.

I waited for the others to make the entrance first, silent, staying to the shadows.

Urie leaped from the top of a nearby fire escape and engaged them, knowing we had to actually talk to ghouls to be able to gain any information.

"You can't have it," the first ghoul said, voice clear, hard.

"I wasn't asking," Urie said, Shirazu and Mutsuki coming up behind him. "Just stopping through."

The shorter one who seemed to be the leader turned and crossed her arms at us, emotion masked. "Where are you all from? I've never seen you before."

"The first ward."

The ghouls blanched. "Wait, really? I didn't know there were any ghoul organizations in the first because of the doves' HQ. That's way too dangerous."

"We've made our own community over there, you must not be very powerful if you don't know. Hiding in plain sight, you know. It's also easier to stay away from Aogiri since they have no hold there."

I nodded, staying carefully behind, hood up. That was a good move, mentioning Aogiri, it might get some answers out of these ghouls.

"Ah, I heard they're really getting more ambitious these days, isn't that right?"

"Yes."

"I wouldn't care to cross Aogiri, most of the safe places have been rooted out."

"Yeah, it doesn't make it easy," Tooru said, voice attempting to be level. 

"I can understand, it's been real hard since Anteiku burned down, they were a big help back in the day."

...Anteiku. 

"...Doesn't that place still exist? Or wasn't it rebuilt?'

"Oh yeah, but it's not the same," the group leader pulled their mask up, shaded. "We all really miss the old owl's protection, and they've gotten a lot smaller. Still a shame about him. So many independent groups have joined up with Aogiri in the last few years."

Urie looked up. "Have you heard about the Tsukiyamas? Even they sold out recently." Ah, well that was a good opening to mention the rose clan. It was a shot in the dark, but if we were right it would be very important.

"Oh, the old gourmet? Never liked him or his clan, but it was still a surprise when we realized they had Aogiri's alliance too. What a world we live in, huh?"

I stepped out of the shadows, eye glowing, the rest of all my team behind me. "When did you figure this out-"

Their eyes widened, as they saw me.

Dark outfit, light hair, one eyed mask, the demeanor of someone strong.

The ghouls gaped, as if they'd seen a ghost.

"...The eyepatch."

And they muttered among themselves, backing away-

Savior. Half thing.  _ Kakuja _ .

...oh

Oh dear

_ The eyepatch ghoul is back. _

-

I did not forget those words.

When I took the mask off, when I hid it away, when I lay in my bed and closed my eyes I could not unhear it. It tugged at my brain like an unscratched itch, this terribly tantalizing, unknown thing like a black hole sucking me in, a blurry silhouette coming into focus.

I did not sleep well that night, and the first thing I did when I awoke was to rush to the CCG's investigation database, too fixated for my own good.

I hesitated to go in, somehow scared that if I did Arima would be mad at me, or I'd be doing something inherently forbidden but-

Surely it couldn't be that bad just to… just to look…? Right?

This place was somewhere I'd never been, the catacombs of the commission, a dark and dusty place. Being quite old fashioned, the agency stubbornly stuck to keeping paper records. There was little lighting, no windows, the ceiling high above my head lined with cobwebs. 

And alone, my opinion of the place was bittersweet. It was an endless library of information, knowledge and history and lore. But at the same time… the shadows, the shadows, the lurking worry of discovering something I'd regret.

My jaw set, I moved in, lowering my head and looking alphabetically through the first set of files.

Eyepatch ghoul.

What had I been like, in those years I had lost? I couldn't imagine it, just… being a normal human, doing school or something and then suddenly being stuck with ghoulhood, suddenly throwing yourself in with people who'd always hunted you.

...how had I lived?

Was there a point in time where I protested the change, or had I immediately switched sides, chosen to embrace monstrosity?

What had happened to turn my hair white?

I knew no police report would give in depth descriptions of this haunting's inner mind, but even something as simple as a newspaper clipping, photo, so much as a mention…

I needed to know this eyepatch, because the unknown was scary, I needed to know who I had been, even just a single glimpse. So I steeled myself to look but-

...There was nothing.

Nothing in the databases at all.

Out of a thousand thick tomes, investigator's journal entries and reports, newspapers and more information than fucking L Lawliet could handle, and… not a single reference to an eyepatch ghoul, anything that could have been me.

...Not a single thing.

And I began at first to worry, running through the shelves, leafing through books, reports from two years ago, anything-

But the more and more I looked, the more and more I became confident the things I was looking for had been deliberately removed. Like holes in the shelves, entire files going empty, burning black holes and loud silence on that name.

Staring directly into that emptiness, smiling like a plea, realizing that was just par for the course when that was all I'd find looking inside myself.

They hadn't just disappeared into thin air, they were there, they had to be, somewhere, they'd been-

Stolen.

The word inserted itself into my mind, a word directly from the white haired, chained thing in the corner of my mind.

And even as I smiled, pleading for it not to be true, the voice continued: the question is then, by whom?

Something fractured, and it was trust.

I should have just left, it was abundantly clear I was going to find nothing at all within minutes, but the dark shelves were strangely attractive, time disappeared.

Look, it could have been fifteen minutes, could have been fifteen hours in the dim light, skimming a dead investigator's journal, I-

_ Encountered the rumored 'eyepatch ghoul' for the first time last week. It was a very disturbing experience. _

My eyes widened, and I clung to the thin volume, untouched for many a month, barely more than a student's notebook.

_ The ghoul was young, I couldn't say much more than eighteen. Just a kid, really. I always fail to realize somehow that not all ghouls are hardened war criminals, but this one kid hit particularly hard. He'd perhaps never even seen a quinque before, if he'd been of average strength he would have been quite easy to beat with how inexperienced he was. But… he wasn't. This thin boy in a blue sweatshirt, lurking in the rain. He's shown himself to be an accomplice of the rabbit. But he's nothing like the rabbit. _

_ Oddly enough he seemed less mad and more repentant, scared even. And maybe that might have been my upbringing in the orphanage but it made me pause. He started crying. Crying with a red eye. And I saw myself like an adult bullying a child who had no means to protect himself, trying to engage him in a battle. It seemed terribly cruel no matter his flashy mask. He was a teenager, I shouldn't be doing that. Really. He didn't even fight back, he held out his hands and let me attack him, throwing him back, again and again though it probably hurt quite a bit. As though he meant to show me something peaceful. To shame me for my own actions. He called the whole world wrong with my blood dripping from his mouth, sobbing for me not to make him a murderer. _

_ I always strive to do the right thing, I wish to know the correct way to live and I thought this was right- in the CCG I know I'm saving lives and putting down evil. But. I may be weak for tears, even if the tears come from the dragon I am vanquishing. _

I had fallen into a strange dissociation, something hazy and poking pinpricks of light into the back of my mind. Frantically, I flipped forward into the journal to see if it was mentioned again but. but the only other mention of an eyepatch ghoul was near the end, one line. 

Two sentences, seven words, a bullet straight through the chest.

_ I was wrong. Kantai is a monster. _

A deep pit of dread settled in my stomach, and I turned the journal around, the inside cover.

_ Koutarou Amon, Investigator Assistant Special Class [deceased] _

Amon. Didn't Akira speak of an Amon? Hadn't they been squadmates?

Desperately, I left the rooms, carrying the journal with me.

"What'd you want, Haise, I had to cancel a meeting for this," the blonde woman asked, her hand holding up her head as I sat with her in the sunny space of the library, books all around.

"I'm sorry," I apologized, smiling, when under the table my hands fidgeted nervously, feeling odd and out of time. I was looking at her in a different light now, the figure I felt so much affection and familiarity with- someone somehow connected with the darkest secrets I couldn't see in the dark. "But it is rather urgent, I…" I looked down, then up again, determined. "You… were acquainted with Amon Koutarou, right?"

My somewhat-mother's face was unreadable, her expression not changed a single bit, but searching for words. But for a beat too long, she was silent.

She tucked back a lock of her platinum hair. "He was asexual. I was aromantic. We weren't compatible," she brushed the question away, looking at a spot on the ceiling. "He was also annoyingly fond of asking me if I'd heard the word of the lord. I, hadn't." Akira crossed her arms. "That's all you need to know about us, really."

I furrowed my brow. "...No, Akira, I… he… Amon. He. Knew me." I clenched my fists. "Before. Did he ever speak of me… what… happened-"

"I said that was all you needed to know, Haise. What part of that do you not understand."

Frustrated, I shook in my seat, face growing red, my voice still low, calm. "I understand why you might want to keep that kind of information private but… I… the CCG has been…" I looked up at her, breathing out pointedly. "They lied to me about things, about me, they didn't want me to be disturbed, and I know you'd been told to, but I think I'm ready to know." I scrunched up my face. "I don't want to live my whole life in a padded room, please!"

Akira stood up, and turned to leave, without a word.

It all blew up.

"WHY ARE YOU KEEPING THINGS FROM ME?" I exploded, face red, fists clenched, finally realizing all that was wrong.

...how… how could she? Someone I trusted so much- I- how could she want to keep something from me so bad she'd betray me like that, was I- was I truly so awful she'd think that necessary or did she just see me like another ghoul, only treating me nice to get on the human's side, thinking if I was given the means to autonomy I'd kill them all?

Tears blurred my vision as I stood like that, hands out, mouth open like a child.

I felt like a test subject, strapped to the table, demanding to know what operations were being performed on me.

And Akira with her neat braided hair, cut clean above her shoulders, sleek uniform and face shaded away from me, she looked at me. 

"Please, you know I didn't mean, I mean you're a very nice- I mean- you're not-"

A smiling maternal figure holding out her hand flashed, flickered and shattered.

...was that what I was to her?

A test subject? I was doing a good job, at becoming human, at my weapon, getting better at following orders and doing my tasks without direction. Like a pet, like a child, like a monster to be tamed.

Sitting happily in a cage, content with the illusion of choice between tame pet and pit beast, seeking approval from my parents like one of the deformed children of the madames.

"I can understand-"

"No you can't," I said, voice breaking, throwing out my hands. "No you really can't, you have no idea what it's like. To wake up in the dark and know nothing at all, not even your own name- everything broken for no reason and everything completely gone, I had  _ nothing _ , Akira, I can't-"

Things got louder, in that abandoned corner of the library, anger and desire and emotions deemed far too dangerous to be allowed to feel lashing out and there it was-

"Haise, please, calm down-"

"I'M NOT HAISE."

And then-

Silence, deafening, crushing silence, echoing my words screaming back into my head.

At what I'd ust uttered, words forbidden, a scorching red flag. Unable to be taken back, words if heard by the wrong people would deem me broken, send me to be fixed.

And Akira stared at me, the heart I'd just bared to her, the terribly terribly bad thing I'd just said.

Clutching my head, I felt myself splinter, the words that my own lips had formed assaulting me over and over.

If I wasn't Haise, then who was I?

Would I respond to Kaneki?

Was I Kaneki? What did I remember? Who was Kaneki? Was the Haise I clung to nothing but an imagined person, made up for the approval of these two people Akira and Arima who gave me these ideas I-

I was empty, a vessel to be filled. I was erased, a corpse revived. I was scared and intrigued and breaking softly and loudly.

And Akira had seen me kneeling in the dark scratching out my own eyes sobbing over blood under my fingernails and-

She had held out her arms and embraced me and given me warmth, given me family again, a person though barely older than me worlds more mature, like a mother to someone washed away.

Akira reached out, and silent tears began to wash the crimson away and replace it in grief, in insecurity and fear and confiding it all in her.

"...Alright," she said, calm, open.

And I fell into her arms, her embrace folding me in, burying me in the comfort of warmth, reassurance.

I was a person she saw, if she hadn't before, she realized now. A real person, crying and vulnerable and beginning to fall apart, peel away to reveal the damage beneath the paint.

And into my ear, my face buried in her shoulder, she told me. "Koutarou Amon… you killed him."

Tears, red and wet and hot.

"But he would have forgiven you. So I do as well." A tentative smile, lined with bittersweet acceptance of the unknown.

"You are you, no matter the name."

She was my mother and she forgave me, and she loved me, though I'd outgrown my dependency on her. And knowing that, I was beginning to break away.


	8. In Which I Lure You Into Believing This Is A Happy Chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haise's starting to get in a better place with his mental health, and he begins to realize he's been neglecting his duties as the quinx's mentor, which means guess what? THERAPY TIME WIT DA SQUAD!! We get to hear all of the squad's stupid problems, even Urie (by peer pressure.) It's a pretty fucking long chapter again, but most of it is dumb dialogue including but not limited to "what's a fucking sandwich test" *quotes a meme* "see i know things!" "now that you're all officially hardened war criminals" "thanks, twink" "no, it's about my daddy issues" "you shouldn't like, cancel yourself" and "we were talking about the suspected murder but thanks for coming out king"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you're all going to hate me but i swear if you stick around for the next few chapters things get exponentially better

//Haise//

Three months went by quickly, three months before things started to deteriorate again.

I should have expected it to be honest, but I tried to be an optimist… and things were… looking up?

They promoted us all, and now I was an assistant special class, and it made me feel all warm and proud and full when I thought of it. I was doing well, all of the quinx growing and learning and getting better. And there were still a lot of problems to iron out with them, after that whole ordeal back at the auction. But it was my job to fix them. 

They'd all seemed lost, after that fight, back in November, and I wondered automatically if it was somehow my fault.

I'd been irresponsible and I failed to remember there were people that needed me as more than a weapon.

It was unreal.

But it was wonderful, as tired as it made me feel.

To be in charge of something, someone, to know you were needed and valued if only in a certain capacity, a certain role, repeating the role until it was my identity I'd built brick by brick, holding myself together with those walls.

I'd calmed down since my fight with Akira, and it made me realize how she wasn't the only one who'd made… parenting mistakes. I was responsible for so much.

I was responsible for Saiko's tears, crying out as I was so ready to leave her, leave her alone with nobody but a position forced upon her and no one to rely upon and no one to shield her from being made to sharpen.

I was responsible for Mutsuki's scars, when I left him vulnerable and he had not the means to protect himself, when I failed to help him secure his place in this house and this world, help him become what he wanted to be.

I was responsible for the blood on Urie's face, when he couldn't win a fight and broke his limits laughing and choking and breaking apart, corrupting and corrupting and corrupting himself and failing to realize he should be a higher priority than a badge, a promotion, the favor of the Washuu.

I was responsible for Shirazu's hollow gaze, when they made him join the murderers of the CCG and I failed to have a single word to help him when I spent all my time hating myself for counting myself among their ranks as well.

So I decided to help them. To take that responsibility and be the mentor I was supposed to be for them.

I sat them down, sometime near the start of January, and gave them all a cup of hot chocolate, trying to seem sure of myself as they all stared up on the couch, tired and apologetic.

"So I've had thoughts," I said, eloquently. 

Urie started slow clapping. I gave him a Look. He stopped.

"I still don't know how I could make up for what you all had to endure during the auction raid," I was careful with my words, guilt and grief swarming at my feet. "And I've neglected developing your skills and teamwork. So I've decided that it's high time for a little therapy session now that you're all officially hardened war criminals. You're all hostages in this living room until everyone's cried, and then you get cookies."

"What-"

"Lmao ok"

"Absolutely not."

"F u c k"

"I made the cookies already so you'd better get cracking before they get cold," I smiled. "And 'fine' isn't an answer."

"Nope. I'm leaving," Urie through up his hands and stood up, making for the door.

I smiled, and held my hands behind my back, and before he could make it there was a large kagune blocking his path, bright red and luminescent.

He turned slowly, very unimpressed. "Fuck you, Sasaki."

"Alright, now that we have that settled." I put away the tentacles, sitting down on the couch opposite the qs politely. "How are we feeling today?"

"Shitty"

"I don't have emotions" 

"Tired" 

"Gay"

"Good," I said, trying to stop from laughing at Shirazu's answer. "Now  _ elaborate _ ."

The rest of the squad all looked somewhat confused and/or annoyed, but Yonebayashi opened her mouth. "I have like. Literally a single spoon right now so you should be glad I'm using it to talk to you fools. But like. Bro. I'm so. Fucking overwhelmed." She made a face. "You'll think I'm a big sap for this but I think group therapy is actually a super valid idea. It means no training."

"That's a fat mood," Shirazu laughed. "I'm kind of done with fighting stuff right now." He laughed. "And that's like, a rare occurrence."

"Yeah, that's fair," she smiled back, slightly self deprecating. "I just… I don't even really know what to say. I'm like. I'm fine, I guess, right now, right here, but I can't ever say how long that'll stick around. So I gotta enjoy it while I'm not mentallly dying."

I drew my lips into a concerned line. "Oh, that… doesn't sound fun. Is this an ongoing thing, or is it… because of something specific or just generally?"

She shrugged. "A little of both, I suppose, but that doesn't make me any less sexy," She smiled toothily, making a peace sign. "I am just also, mentally disordered."

"Aren't we all."

"Unsurprisingly, Urie, that doesn't make me feel any better," Saiko turned to him.

"Glad I could be of service."

I considered, falling back on my own experiences. I could certainly relate to her. But I suppose I'd learned something. "Is there anything that can be done about this? Because of course I understand the desire to sit and ignore it and just ride the wave, but it's no use burying it. Is it that there's a problem that needs to be dealt with, or do you need like, meds."

She laughed. "God knows I'm on enough of that shit. This quinx stuff involves, so much medication."

I knew it wasn't my fault. I knew it wasn't anyone's fault but her mother's for subjecting her to it. But I apologized.

"I'm sorry."

"God, not everything's about you, maman," she said and I smiled.

Mutsuki turned to her, delicately. "It could actually be the medicine combination that's messing you up, if you're talking about like depression stuff. Just in general, it do be like that sometimes. But we're all here for you, Saiko."

"Thanks, twink." It took her a second before she realized what she'd said. "Uh. I meant that in the nicest way."

"Uh. Thanks."

"But… y'all are here for a reason. You like. Want to be here. And I… I think it's cool to do this job sometimes, but other times it's. Bad. It's really bad and I don't like being treated like a freak and they shouldn't be that way to us, we're doing all the hard work and I don't even want to. I don't even know what I want to do. You all do. I'm like, yo, I wanna start a youtube channel or something."

"That's, like, so valid though," Shirazu said. "It's not like they'd stop you if you really wanna leave."

She grimaced. "Yeah but." The blue haired girl pursed her lips, face growing red. "I also, don't. You know, this is my job and you're my family and I don't want anything to ever change, not like that. I want to be with you guys but I don't want you to get hurt because yeah, I'm lazy and these are my people and I don't want to have to try something new. If any of you died, I don't know what I'd do, I…" She scrunched up her face and I reached out in reassurance, sympathetic pain in my chest and  _ guilt- _

"I'm sorry."

I said it again, automatically.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel like that, I won't, I promise- I won't ever leave you alone, Saiko."

She hugged me, stuffing her face into my chest, wet with tears.

And somewhat blitzed, I stared outward, gathering her in my arms and calming her messy hair.

"Kid, I'm not gonna leave you, I promise, I won't. And I won't let any of the rest of them either."

The hurt was sharp in my chest, and again I cemented my place.

My purpose was here, I wasn't ever going to run away from them. I wasn't ever going to let them be hurt. I'd take responsibility for that, even if I wasn't a lovely person.

"Hey, personally, I'm immortal, so I don't think you need to worry about me dying," Urie said, leaning his head back.

Mutsuki smiled. "Hey, Yonebayashi? I'm not gonna leave even if you got a different job. We're not just like, coworkers. We're friends. If you moved to a different country I'd still be your friend. We have the discord server, don't we?" He laughed. "None of us are going anywhere."

"Yeah bro!!" Shirazu smiled. "That's why we're fighting! It doesn't have to be about the ghouls, it's so that we can all stay together. So everyone can be happy."

Saiko was now sitting calmly in my lap, eyes rimmed with red. "...thanks, guys."

"No problem."

"And if you're ever feeling down, I'm always here," Tooru added. 

I smiled, because she smiled, blue hair fluffy around her face. "Good job, here now take the cookie." And I reached out, uncovering a tray set on the table, opening it up for Saiko.

"Alright, you know you to persuade me to talk," she laughed, and grabbed one, sticking it in her mouth for the last word.

"I'm still sorry, to all of you. I'm sorry you had to see me like that and I'm sorry you worried for me."

"It's ok, Sasaki, we all know you're a war criminal," Urie chimed in, all of his additions to the conversation seeming to be variations on things like this. Well, it didn't bother me. I'd get to him eventually. "The vore was an added bonus though, it's not often you get to see someone bite a ghoul back."

"It's only fair," Shirazu shrugged.

"But like. Maman. You make a habit of chomping down on bitches faces?"

The… question made me uncomfortable, though it was supposed to be a joke.

I wasn't like that, I'd never done something like that since I could remember, though I couldn't speak for the me I'd been before, that wasn't me.

But even then my mind screamed,

_ Did you do that to someone? And you don't even know? Hurt them so they'd have a scar, they'd be missing parts, they'd never forget what you did to them, wounds you inflicted so horribly… _

No <3

I was trying to patch up the kids smiles right then, I didn't need my own to fall apart.

"I'd like to think not," I simply smiled, trying to keep it lighthearted. "But I assure you this won't be something I'll repeat if it can at all be helped. What's necessary doesn't equate to what's good."

Shirazu made a choked noise.

Oh, dear. I'd rather hit a nerve, hadn't I?

God, I hoped I had enough of sense to be able to deal with this right without adding my own bullshit into the mix.

"Shirazu?"

"...God, I'll go away, it's not a big deal. I'm not helping anyone talking about it."

"I assume this is about the nutcracker?"

He rolled his eyes. "No, it's about my daddy issues."

Saiko snorted. 

I looked down. "Shirazu, I'm sorry I wasn't there. But guys. Really. Anonymous vote. Who in this room has never killed anyone? Close your eyes."

...Urie was the only one who raised his hand.

That… should have been more surprising than it was, considering Urie's notorious big talk about killing captured ghouls. He'd never killed anyone, and I looked him dead in the eyes. He hadn't closed them.

"Shirazu, you're far from alone," I said, feeling somewhat guilty.

Shirazu looked down. "Yeah, well it's… alright when you do it. You're a good person."

"Shirazu, you must realize how much of a dolt you sound like right now," Saiko said.

He looked down. "I know… I'm just… I'm not a violent guy. Contrary to popular opinion, punk shit like. Straight up is so pacifistic. I got pointy teeth because they look cool. That's not…" He lost his words. "I'm not... " He put his head in his hands. "That's not who I want to be."

"...Shirazu, it's ok. She was trying to kill you. There's nothing else you could have done."

"No she wasn't. She wanted money. She was only going to hurt us, not kill us- so she could get away- and it's like… now I have… her as a quinque, and I. Can't. I  _ can't _ . She wasn't evil, I don't think. I don't think any of them are."

I had to say I was beginning to realize the same, and I didn't know what to say. 

"I'm in the CCG because I want to help my sister, I want to do the right thing but I don't know what the right thing is anymore. Would she be happy? To know that I killed people for her? Sassan, a ghoul saved you from getting eaten by that guy. I don't know what to think anymore and I feel like I have it wrong."

...I'd realized my own morals were warped- I didn't have them or I didn't understand them, they didn't make sense. Killing was wrong, but I killed, they killed, ghouls were bad, but I was a ghoul, they didn't all deserve to die. It was alright if I was used, but not them. It was right to fight, it was wrong to do anything but let them hurt you, a thousand different resolutions cut off and rattling around in my head loose when I couldn't even understand where half of them came from.

And hearing this… with what I'd realized in the last fight, made it suddenly understandable.

So I took a deep breath, saying it as much for me as for him. “It’s ok to feel bad about it, Shirazu, of course what happened wasn’t ideal, nor was it evil, and you’d never have wanted it to. But there’s no use feeling sorry now. The best thing you can do is move forward. It’s how you cope. You shouldn’t like, cancel yourself, you’re gonna have to live with you forever. So you take the responsibility and you see what you can do to fix it.” I looked down. “And you did well. In that battle overall. You tried your hardest not to have to. That’s… what matters.”

I couldn’t believe the words coming out of my mouth.

“You’re not monsters, you’re just people, people who have been hurt."

...so… maybe it was alright? 

Maybe I could be good after all?

“And of course, the CCG isn’t perfect… so maybe the best thing is to use your own judgement and think about what’s moral and what you can do.”

...So it’s alright to say it isn’t black and white?

That these people who brought me up from nothing aren’t gods?

Being like this… wasn’t inherently wrong?

“So it’s alright to feel bad, but don’t let it consume you. Use it to become better. You behaved excellently.” I blinked, and I realized there was something else I was going to bring up. “And for that, I’m going to make you the squad leader, Shirazu.”

There was a moment of silence.

And then “...what?” accompanied by “W H A T” 

“Urie you’ve had your turn, and you’ve proven that you can’t be trusted with decisions.”

His face turned red. “How is Shirazu better than me??”

Shirazu smiled, somewhat apologetic. “Yeah, doc, I’ve gotta say I’m a bit confused right now. I’m not sure if you’ve noticed but I’m like. Really stupid. I’ve got no leader skills. Can I really be trusted with that?”

I crossed my arms. “Well, I believe you could become one with a little work. You’re the one with the most stable RC count, and you’re also much less likely than Urie to go running off on your own convinced you’d do better. You’ve proved that you can bring the team together, and I think personally that you’d benefit from a little healthy responsibility just as much as the team would benefit from you.” I smiled, soft.

And Shirazu’s concerned stare turned into consideration and then a sort of warmness, the kind of genuine smile that was such a contrast to the face that usually said ‘bastard’, eyes watery and vulnerable, sharpened teeth comical on such a soft look.

“Well… I’ll… I don’t know how I’ll do, but if you think that’s the best thing…” He bit his lip, looking away before eventually giving a thumbs up. “I’ll try my best, Sasaki.”

I let out a breath, that relief and warmth sinking into me, smiling and my mind singing- you did something right! You did it right!

“Do I get a cookie now?” he asked, weakly.

“Yeah. You do.” 

There was a beat, before Shirazu spoke up. “But wait a minute, uh… unresolved question, like I know it was a private thing but like. The kill count thing. I don’t believe you, to be honest. There are five people in the room. I refuse to believe that most of us have.”

“No, well, that’s maman, you, me, and Urie…” Yonebayashi said, thinking real hard, counting on her fingers. “That’s a majority.”

“WAIT SAIKO?”

“You got me there.”

“Well that’s mystery solved then??”

“Someone’s lying,” Shirazu said, “Two people, actually. Gotta be.” He narrowed his eyes. “Fess up, motherfuckers.”

“GUYS WHO IS IT?”

“Wait guys I’m so confused so someone’s lying saying they didn’t kill anyone or is someone lying saying they DID?”

“You got the number right,” I said, not wanting to get involved in this. “Guys, you don’t have to-”

“This isn’t a guessing game,” Mutsuki said, oddly tense. 

There was an off beat of silence, everyone blinking audibly.

“I don’t get it,” Shirazu said, a cookie in his mouth.

“Urie’s never killed anyone,” I said.

Freezing, everyone except for him burst into laughter.

“Yes I have,” he said defensively. “What, you think  _ Mutsuki  _ has a body count?? It was like, a random ghoul though, in the middle of a battle-”

“I don’t see any badges for that…”

“Shhhhhut up.”

“But… guys… doesn’t that mean that then…”

The entire room looked like the spiderman pointing meme (see look! I know things!) and I wasn't quite sure how to resolve all that was going on here.

“Now, let’s calm down,” I held up my hands in peace. “Let’s not-”

“Mutsuki’s not telling us something,” Urie said plainly, eyebrows raised and hands up, sanpaku eyes calculating. (clearly deflecting the attention.)

Tooru froze, mouth dry, breathing out, and drew back, wordless.

“Usually I’d say you’re fulla shit, Kuki, but that reaction kinda says it all,” Saiko said, crossing her arms. 

“I think I know what it is,” Urie said, rubbing his chin skeptically. “And I think it might be better in the long run if you shared with the class, Tooru, we’d have found out eventually. And this is a therapy session after all.”

“G… guys, I don’t know what you’re-” His voice cracked, and it fell up to an audibly feminine tone, making his tan skin blush even moree. 

“Come on Tooru, spill the tea!!”

The way he broke was almost audible, and I cringed.

“ALRIGHT GUYS YOU FIGURED IT OUT. I’M TRANS. I DON’T HAVE A DICK. I’M SORRY OR WHATEVER. I was a girl until like three years ago. I wanted to tell you all eventually but. There was never a good time and I was never sure if you’d all accept me and I didn’t want to ruin the dynamic we had. I’m sorry I made you keep it secret, sensei. I just- I knew most of the CCG wouldn’t like it, and to be honest I know who I am but I can’t stop second guessing and gatekeeping and criticising myself like- what if I’m just a stupid girl and I’m lying to myself and I’m doing this to distance myself from my past if I’m not feeling dysphoria every second of the day no matter how long I’ve wanted this I’m scared you’lll all hate me and I that I made the wrong choice-”

And then he realized the three qs were staring in full on confusion, and closed his mouth immediately.

“Uh. Tooru.” Saiko said. “King. I was talking about the suspected murder, but well, alright. So you’re trans, cool. That’s epic. I use she/they actually, you got some pronouns for me?”

Blitzed, Mutsuki answered, after a pause. “...uh...he/him…”

Shirazu almost laughed, but managed to hold it in, still sort of emotional. “Dude, I am like, stupid, so I didn’t have any fucking clue, but you’ve always been one of the boys. I’ve always thought that was a concept too like?? People who just decide?? Fuck you *unfe’s your male* SO VALID.”

Urie pointedly looked away, resting his chin on his knuckles. “I feel like I should have known that, so well, props to you. I was hoping the secret would be something more controversial. Scandalous, even. But well... “ he shrugged. “You just turned out to be a soy boy (affectionate).”

God, I really needed to have a talk with him. “That’s very rude, Urie.”

“What? It was underwhelming. It’s not like this changes anything ever.”

I sighed. “Thank you for sharing, Tooru. I understand that it must be hard. Feel free to talk to me about it any time, I’ll be as much help as I can, though I’m afraid I am still cisgender.”

And Tooru was sitting there curled in on himself like a pillbug, face red and knees weak. 

“Uh… h… wh… thanks. I. Didn’t expect that. I’m sorry I misunderstood but…” He smiled self deprecating, sighing out. “I’m really glad to get it out, you guys are…” He sniffed, shaking his head and covering his eyes with a sleeve. “I feel inferior. A lot of the time. I’m just… I’m not as good as sensei or Urie or Shirazu and it’s… it’s physical ability and I can’t change that, I’m weak and no matter what I do it’ll always be because I’m afab and I  _ hate  _ it, I can’t defend myself, you always have to come save me and it makes me want to fucking throw up. And god, my RC meds are somehow cancelling out T shots so I’m useless and weak either way, I can barely even use my kagune because I’m suppressing it so I don’t sound like a girl. And I think the doctor knows how to fix it but he’s a transphobic  _ ass _ so he  _ won’t _ and I…” He seemed to burn out completely, pulling at his hair and deflating. “I need help. There. I said it. Now let me wallow in dysphoria.”

My eyes grew wide and I reached out towards him, hovering until he indicated it was alright for me to touch him. “Oh dear- I…” God, I wouldn’t have dreamed of this a year ago- “I’m going to have a talk with that doctor," I said, face hardening. "And if he doesn’t shape up, we’ll get you a new one. You deserve to be treated with respect and to get what treatment you want and need.” I brightened. “You're not useless, I'm very proud of you for learning to control your kagune now, it's not as easy as Saiko might make it look." I smiled. 

Mutsuki looked away, eyes underlined with shadows. "Thank you sensei, but… I was the last to do it, and by the time I got it down it wasn't of any help anyway."

"Sure, but now you can use it, that's what the point is. And the fact that you managed it while you were deliberately suppressing your RC count is very impressive, no matter the outcome." I bit my lip. "And actually, you know what, I have a solution to your insecurity about fighting as well. There’s different types of fighting that don’t require brute strength. Do you think investigator Suzuya is bench pressing anything?” I laughed. "He has like point five of a muscle, and he's extremely capable. He thinks he'd match very well with you, actually."

"Huh?" He asked, looking up, eyes widening. "Wait, do you mean-"

"Yes, Suzuya told me he'd love to give you some specialized training! You have body types that lend themselves more to agility and dexterity, so he thinks you'd be a natural at throwing knives like him. See, it's not just about your assigned sex either. I knew you'd been having trouble with combat and I don't want to see you get hurt again. Does that sound like something you'd want to do?"

Mutsuki's eyes widened. "Special class Suzuya?" He exhaled sharply, clearly a bit amazed. "Really? Juuzou's very talented, even though he's not that much older… would he really have the patience for me? I couldn't even fathom how you'd do that…" He seemed overwhelmed, cheeks flushed.

Leaning down, I handed Tooru the papers that gave him the permissions to train in the special class wing. "No, Juuzou has always been interested in the qs; he seems scary when you see him in action, but he is actually quite kind despite his past."

And there was a bright smile, another smile, another point for my self esteem.

"Yes, I'd love to!!"

And his eyes were scrunched up with beads of tears on dark eyelashes, tan skin bright and warm.

"Lovely." And I handed him a cookie, which he took with happy reassurance, hands trembling but breathing slowly, calming down.

"...I think that worked really well," I said. "I'm glad we did this."

But before anyone could stand or leave, Saiko raised her hand, yelling out. "WaiT a hOt sEcond maman, Urie hasn't shared his darkest secrets yet!"

...she was right.

"That's right Kuki, you've been awfully quiet…" Shirazu grinned toothily, elbowing the boy previously overlooked.

I think we'd all gotten so caught up in the rest of their plights we'd… completely forgotten he was there, purposefully lurking and refusing to draw attention to himself.

Oh, this was going to be good.

"So, Mr. Brief Thief, how are we feeling today?"

He rolled his eyes. "No."

I shrugged. "Elaborate."

"What the fuck do you mean eLaBorAtE I just said fucking no-"

I nodded at Urie. "And I said  _ elaborate _ ."

The violet haired emo boy bit his lip, looking concerned. "God. Fine. I'm like. Emotions? Stupid. They don't fucking help. You need a rational mind to be able to do well in combat or strategy. I think this is a waste of time, I don't do that shit."

"Says the guy crying on the battlefield…" Mutsuki muttered under his breath.

"What are you talking about."

Mutsuki paused. "You know. When you were." He gestured discreetly.

"I don't have any idea what you mean."

Saiko raised a hand. "Maman, Urie's gaslighting people again!"

"Shut."

I sighed, finding that this entire session was making me a lot more aware of my own mistakes than it was intended to. That was good, I guessed? "Obviously an issue. Urie believes that emotions need to be regulated in order to perform well but doesn't acknowledge his own problems."

"H- hey! I'm fully capable of dealing with myself." And it was clear he was… not dealing with himself. I knew he'd not taken the demotion kindly, though he acted like it was no problem, and he probably felt quite humiliated, but that was kind of the point. 

"Hey, fuckface, we've all cried, it's your turn now."

"I'm not obligated to deal with this, I'm not a child. I don't see any of the rest of you getting promoted twice in one year. I'm doing fine."

I raised my voice. "And let's tAlk about that. What did you get that promotion for? You didn't get any kills, or is that something else we need to discuss?"

"...No. I got it because I'm capable of following orders, unlike the rest of you fucks."

Shirazu furrowed his brow, looking skeptical at him. "Oh? Really? Does this have anything to do with your 'occupational hazard', bitch?" [see chapter 4] he interrogated the boy.

"What?" His voice was raised, irritated and warning. I began to grow a little worried, remembering the context of the words.

(I'd thought that was a joke… but you could never tell with Urie. And on that note, oh dear.)

And Shirazu was giving him hell for it. "You know that's not fucking allowed. It's barely fucking  _ legal _ ." 

"You don't know shit about me."

"DON"T THINK I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT, KUKI? You don't have to go along with it just because you want a little good boy badge. I don't  _ care  _ that you're nineteen."

We all… looked at Urie.

Urie looked away.

"This is why I made you the squad leader, Ginshi," I said pointedly, shooting Urie a look that said we'd be Discussing This Later In Private.

...Sometimes I hated the CCG, and this entire talk had made it more clear than ever. I supposed I had to become disillusioned at some point, but it still hurt to know.

"You know what? You guys don't fucking get it, with your stupid ass sit in a circle and cry session. The stress I am put under. I have to be the best, alright? That's the fucking point. But when people don't take me seriously, when I get held back and I can't win no matter how much I try?" He threw out his hands. "It's easy for you because you don't care. You don't care and what you have is just… good enough. That's just  _ not it _ . I  _ wish  _ I was like that." And his face twisted up in a weird grimace. "So maybe I'm cutting corners a bit, so maybe I'm not doing the best things, but I get the job done, right? It's my body, it was my choice to get this surgery and it's my choice to use it to its fullest extent, it's my choice to use whatever means I can to gain favor in this organization. You think you're all so nice, taking away my autonomy and my position- but if I don't have that then what the fuck do I have?"

His voice cracked, usually emotionless face hollow and angry and red, fists clenched, eyes shining. 

"Whoa. Dude." Shirazu. Said. "You got us. You got  _ me _ ."

"Yeah," Yonebayashi said, leaning towards him. "And I think we should count higher on the list than your suck-cop-dick 4.0." 

And Urie was silent for a second before he burst into ridiculous laughter, putting his head in his hands and tearing up. "I hate you. I hate you all."

"Good. Fucking pinstripe suit bitch. What are you a fucking referee? You looked better in the emo gear."

"I know," he rolled his eyes. "God, it's called being professional. I fucking hate it." He said it and exhaled loudly, clenched his teeth. "I fucking hate it, I don't want to say it but. This stupid game, I want to spit right in his fucking face but if I do I'll lose everything I've worked for."

"Then do it, coward." Mutsuki stopped himself from laughing, turning to Urie. "I understand you want to hold a high position, that you want to be strong, so do I. But going a little outside of your comfort zone is different from throwing yourself under the bus trying."

"Yes," I agreed, looking my own actions directly in the eyes. "Your morals and well being should always go first, and if you keep messing with your kagune you won't be able to pass the sandwich test."

"...what's a fucking sandwich test," Urie asked, voice muffled speaking into his lap.

"The 'don't eat my food' test," I said, raising my eyebrows. "In short. Here, congratulations, you were the last to cry." I handed him his long held cookie.

Silently and grumpily, he took it like a cat and ate it, flipping me off and wiping his eyes. "Thanks, Sasaki. You're not bad at baking. For a ghoul."

"That means you passed," I said with relief, smiling. "Now stay that way."

And I was good, because I'd helped them, I was good, I was good and I was right and I was making the world happy, I finally felt like I knew myself and what made the sun come out-

Until Arima said everything I'd done was wrong.

I was so glad about what I'd done with them, I told my adoptive father about it with a flushed smile when I came to him for practice.

But when he heard it, the fond smile turned sour, a surface of emotionless disappointment, and my smile faltered.

"Haise… this isn't an orphanage we're running."

"Wh-" My heart skipped a beat, on such a mental high my mind couldn't understand it I- "What do you mean?"

"All of that was completely useless."

_ Thwack- _

I lost my footing and went flying, my head cracking open like an egg against the wall-

Everything plummeted.

"First of all, second class Urie's dealings with Matsuri Washuu are none of your business. There's no reason for you to be making assumptions like that, and whatever it is, Urie is nearly 20 years old, he doesn't need you to babysit him. He's capable of thinking critically and making informed decisions on his loyalty, following orders without question and using his abilities to his utmost. Unlike you, barely more than a child in experience."

"Wh- a-" I was too lost to pick up my quinque-

_ Wham- _

"And secondly, we're a fighting force, not a home for troubled teens. You're doing them no good feeding all their weaknesses and treating them like children, they'll never become better weapons that way. Giving you your own squad to mentor was a decision I was happy to make, but I always felt cautious about it for this exact reason." The white haired man stared me down with a strong gaze, facing off against my smaller form. 

In a black button down with the sleeves rolled up I looked so weak, breathing heavily, thrown off balance.

"Arima- I didn't mean for-"

"I've told you this a thousand times and yet you still fail me. I let you play house with them to keep you happy but it was under the impression that you would produce results. Not just make them your own weaknesses. Under my or some of the other officer's commands we would have them all long past frame two by now, and you're scolding the only one who managed it because it might hurt." 

"But it's untested and… I don't want to overwork them, they're just teenagers-" 

"Teenagers who signed on to do this. You're failing them by going easy on them, and you're failing us." And with a flick of his quinque my knees buckles, pushing me back- "When we gave you  _ everything _ ."

_ Darkness, all around me. _

_ I was new and I was vulnerable, tied in bandages and purely blank, hurting, lost- _

_ There was nothing for me to reach for. No memories, no people, no explanation, only terror, pouring from my eyes in bloody tears, hoarse screams- _

_ When color started to form again, blurry and loud, red and white and blue and black and RED, red, red- it scared me, fingers scratching at my eyes- get them out, get them out, the red, get it OUT--blood-- and hunger- please- take it away- _

_ Arima. _

_ Pristine, white and clean and smiling, kneeling down and holding out a hand. To my hand, cold, thin white with blood caked under blotchy deadened fingernails. _

_ Warm. Warm and kind, pulling me up, I held tight and I cried and there were glasses, my vision clearing and there was everything clear and bright, all these people, all these colors that weren't red- _

_ His words defined me from the rest of them- a corpse, a ghoul, a monster, an anomaly- but he could bring me up. Teach me how to atone, how to be right, how to be like him. _

_ Like him, the only standard of perfection in the world. _

_ I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I failed again- _

"It doesn't matter what you thought, what you felt, what you wanted," Arima said. "You are not a human. You don't get to choose."

The discordance was deafening in my ears, pulling me back and forth, loud, opposite, clashing-

I… said to Shirazu it was ok, he was doing the right thing? He could be forgiven and he could live his own life and move on, everyone deserved to be forgiven-

_ But not you. _

No, not me.

"You're stained forever, you don't get the right to make your own decisions. You have poor impulse control and you don't understand right versus wrong, I have to guide you every step of the way and yet you're still weak. You've completely failed to produce the results I kept you alive for."

"...I… I thought I could help even though-" my voice broke. "I could be forgiven if I worked hard enough, if I did good things? I was thinking I could maybe be allowed to learn more about myself and figure out the right thing to do? That ghoul- she knew me- I can't… be all bad, right?" I looked up at him and I was nearly crying, begging for validation.

It was a plea, but it was denied, as bruised I found myself on the floor again, ears ringing.

...Bruises, the product of a syringe from Arima, the RC suppressants that pulled me down to the strength, the speed, the endurance of a human. Unable to heal.

"Haise."

"...Yes?"

"You do not want your memories. We let you live since you didn't remember anything, you were able to start life anew and understand that following my orders was the right thing. You were relatively harmless this way, just a confused child." He held his quinque up, twisting it around. "Easily malleable. I took you in so you could become something more than evil, you could use your power correctly and follow me. I hoped and I still hope you'll be able to eventually become just like me, everything the CCG needs. But to do that you'd need to sever those attachments to your old self and your cowardly way of fighting. To control, not to run from, or crash into your power."

I tried to imagine it, what I strived for- to equal him, for him to respect me, to be happy with me, everything I was supposed to be-

_...A vision of a man standing tall in a field of flowers, hair completely black with not a trace of imperfection left in it. His face was calm and collected and strong, bearing the long black coat of a high ranking officer, completely controlled, completely perfect, any sort of past weakness wiped clean and adorned in red. _

If… if it was… what I wanted, what he wanted for me why was I- why did it make me- so  _ terrified- _

If I erased every trace of the white, of the stain, the weakness, the monster would it be- but I… I thought...

"If you were to gain your memories back, Haise..."" Arima said, his weapon drawing sparks against mine barely held up. "You would disappear."

...Disappear?

"There would be no trace of the person you worked so hard to create these last two years, you would effectively die. And in your place would be the monster you've buried, given back his body. A ghoul, nothing more, nothing less."

His weapon… it hurt, though it was only practice, it felt as though he'd run me all the way through.

"But... wouldn't I be able to understand-"

"No, we can see you wouldn't retain sense. You have to understand you can't be trusted with that. Unaccompanied, you've already managed to  _ slip _ ."

Tears. Hot, burning tears on bruised flesh.

"Without me, you are nothing but a childish monster dressed up as a human. Never forget that."

I fell away, my quinque dropping from my hands, crumbling to pieces holding in tight the weapon curled inside my back.

"Your purpose is for my control and my judgement until such time as I deem you corrected. I just want the best for you, you know that?"

Screaming, from below me in a checkered room, dragging me down- hands around me, holding me tight and sharp, I was sharp and the words he wasn't saying-

\--Don't you understand? You're my quinque.--

I-

"And if you start getting any other ideas…"

I crumbled to my knees in utter defeat, broken down to my barest pieces, and I felt a hand under my chin, pulling me up to face the man who raised me.

Tears dried cold on my face, my mouth fell open so slightly and the point of a blade faced directly to my red, wide eye.

"I will take full responsibility to exterminate you."

_ A scream louder than anything, consumed in anguish, snow in my hair turning pink, kagune tangled in weapons and the horrid tear of metal through a weeping eye _

_ I was screaming for salvation, in the dark, mourning, a name, a name, a name- _

_ … _

_ Help me, please _

_...de! _

_ I'm sorry- _

_...ide!! _

_ Unimaginable despair- _

And everything wiped away into sweet black oblivion, pouring out from the top of my head, forcing the word I craved the most-

Human.

"Alright."

I wouldn't disappear, I resolved, so clenching my teeth, I made the ghoul screaming in my head do so instead, violent and clean, white vanishing to clean, plain black.

There was nothing I lacked, nothing I was missing. Nothing I needed but what I had to be.

No half thing, sharp and righteous, a weapon.

So when I returned back to the chateau that night, I did not say a word, though all my children stared.

My tired eyes hid behind glasses and my smile had been forced out with the color, forced away with the cry of a name I would not hear.

"Maman, what happened to your hair?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *cue 'dun dun DUNNNNN' noise*


	9. Damn It Hide Speed It Up He's Monologuing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ah yes, the chapter in which you all are going to HATE ME and then read the hide parts and decide not to slaugher me for parts!  
> Basically, uh, Haise's just made some very bad decisions! And he's going to make worse ones for sympathetic reasons but well! It'll get better eventually! And Hide's trying, he really is!! We'll make it through this I swear-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh yes my favorite part of tokyo ghoul :re, when, uh, the plot did a, plot thing- it's painfully obvious i have no idea what happens in this manga i am pulling so much shit out of my ass shdhfdshfds I'm like saying things that are supposed to mean stuff and hopefully sound like I know what I'm talking about, but, uh, I do not. 
> 
> !!tw for implied addiction in Haise parts, it's very fictional but it is a metaphor for addiction so idk

//Hide//

It was familiar, the insides of this building, though I'd never made it to the back offices of this level. I'd been in the employ of the CCG only for a hot second, for Kaneki related reasons, before yeeting out into the void as a missing-presumed-dead.

I knew they had an academy and all, but fuck, man, I'd already been going to Kamii fucking university, I could pull some strings and get an assistant position without doing the training.

So I'd known there was a possibility they might remember me, but with my face covered and no voice to speak of there wasn't much to recognize me by. 

_ Trust me, I'm not a ghoul,  _ I had to reassure them, laughing through the words on the board I held up to communicate.

But they didn't trust me, for, well, obvious reasons, and they narrowed their eyes. "Why should we? It's not like you're giving us much reason to believe you." 

_ I passed your RC detectors. Or do you have reason to believe those might in some way be faulty? _

The man froze, looking from one beside him to the other, discreetly closing the door of the office. 

"...Are you V? Or are you with the clowns?" The man raised his voice, walking towards me. "Because if so I hope you know I can have you dispatched within-"

I held up a gloved hand, calm, the squeak of a marker on a board.

_ I have a personal interest in the issue. I oppose those groups. I am on your side. _

There were muttered words exchanged by a few of them, skeptical and mistrusting. "And what side would that be?"

Ah well, time for the lore drop, tell them what I have on them. 

_ You are part of a small number of officers within the higher ranks of the CCG who have become aware of the Washuu family's secret and intend to bring them down from within. And to do so, you'll need significantly greater help, considering the clowns have already tried to take them down in the past and failed, not to mention a thousand people within the family. _

Damn, I needed to get a keyboard or something. My wrist hurt just writing that much. I still wasn't used to trying to be formal like that. But it paid off, to see their faces.

I erased the board.  _ I intend to help, and I have crucial information regarding V's test subjects and the one eyed king. I'd be inclined to share if you decided to allow me. _

"How do you know this?"

_ I have my sources. _

"And what do you propose?"

I looked down, eyes heavy beneath a mask of a smile, taking a long time before I held the words on the board up.  _ Do you remember Kaneki Ken? _

With uneasy glances, they remained tight lipped. "What do you know of him?"

_ Pretty much… everything.  _ I shrugged, an enigma from head to toe. What else was I supposed to say?  _ In short order, the half ghoul kakuja who was 'exterminated' by your Special Class Arima and then subsequently resurrected as Sasaki Haise, ghoul investigator assistant special class. _

I paused for effect, before wiping off the board.

_ I'm aware that it's somewhat confidential. _

"...What of him?"

_ If you weren't aware, just about everyone who's anyone kind of has a claim on him for some reason or another, as a weapon or a test subject or what have you, but fundamentally the current battle being waged is over his memories. _

"Well… what would you have with him?"

_ I want what he wants. I want him to be happy. And you want peace, you want the mystery solved, you want it all overthrown, and for that you most likely also have a claim on what happens to Kaneki Ken. I'll need your help with that, and you'll need mine. _

They conferred for a long time, with each other, before turning back to me. 

"Show us your face, scarecrow- and then we might have a deal."

A garbled laugh came from my mouth.  _ Sorry, I can't do that for you, king. You're gonna have to trust me or prove that I can trust you. _

Silence, more silence, even more silence.

_ What do you know of the half humans of the sunlit garden? Which ones are they? And who proposed the idea of the quinx surgery?" _

They seemed to think, still unsure, they were surprised at the quinx question. 

It showed that in some aspects, I knew more than them. It would be beneficial to work together. 

"...Special class Furuta. Proposed the quinx surgery."

I nodded. That checked with Eto.

_ Kaneki, or Haise- what is your stance on him?  _

"I don't approve of the way Arima has handled him… and as much as I understand he wants to stop ghoul violence, that's not the way. It should be his own choice," the one on the side said. "He's just going to incite more violence."

"We need him, but what the truth is really that he needs us. But can we trust you?"

I exhaled, nodding. Yes, that would do. I was worried they might want to use him for their own ends, no matter what side they were on, but… they seemed to have valid opinions. I could trust them.

I hated having to wonder, if I could trust. It was never something I'd had to do. And I could forgive anyone, but it would do me no good if I blundered and got Kaneki hurt. But I was safe, as much as I could be, here for him.

I wrote simply on the board more personal information than I'd ever given out in two years.

_ I am Nagachika Hideyoshi. _

Yeah, I knew I might get a reaction from that.

"Yeah, uh. Good job checking the missing officers list and googling three things, cut the crap. Nagachika's been missing a good two, three years now. I wouldn't bet on him popping up with a sudden request for something that has nothing to do with him. At least pick a real investigator." Marude raised his eyebrows. "We might have believed Amon, if you were a tad taller."

I made a noise, to which the officers blanched, half between a sigh and a garbled shriek of annoyance.

_ IDK what you want me to say king,  _ I wrote.  _ I'm alive, huzzah! What a warm welcome you've given me! Amon's alive too, actually, if you really wanted to go there. But that's a problem for later. _

"I don't want to point out the obvious," the officer named Hirako said, "But Nagachika, the few months he was with us- he was quite a talkative person."

_ Bro. I. Know. Do you want the lore? Because at this point?  _ I shrugged, setting down the board and raising my hands to my head, untying the rope that kept the bag on my head. They weren't likely to be of any trouble, I supposed.

There went the fun lenny face, I guessed.

I pulled it off, to reveal a mass of hair stuck up with static electricity, the trademark "I should probably redye my roots" look back again, warm chocolate eyes.

I did not have another mask on underneath.

Marude blinked, his face a mix of horror, surprise, recognition.

All that time ago I'd talked to him maybe once, but I was the sweetheart of the CCG, even if I was only still a messenger boy sent out because they didn't have enough soldiers in the 20th ward. They all loved me- I was talented, insightful, good for morale- I could get away with anything.

Someone in the CCG once said that I shouldn't have to go out to the battle of Anteiku, if he had to pick anyone he thought was most likely to get eaten by a ghoul it was probably me.

But Marude said no, no, I was too smart for that, to which everyone looked slightly surprised at.

I held up the sign.

_ Sorry, I kind of disappointed your expectations. I am that stupid. _

"...Nagachika? It really is you!"

_ Yeah, man!  _

I gave the impression that I was smiling, though there was no smile for me to give. 

"...what…" He looked confused, with an angular face that made it look angry though I knew it wasn't. "...happened?"

Hirako stepped in, putting a hand on the desk. "Ignoring the obvious, we have no clue what happened to you. We had no contact with you for years, Nagachika. Though you clearly are who you say you are, we have many questions as to how someone like you got here. You're legally dead."

I shrugged. 

_ I look like a zombie anyway, don't I? Yeah, I'm a bit worse for wear. But I lived. _

The question was still unanswered, the question hanging in the air so loud- the glaring truth of what I had given up. 

How did I survive, if I'd been overcome like this, how could I be here asking to forgive the ghouls with scars like these. Simply… how, what, why?

"Who… how…"

The words came easily, the bearing of greatest secrets was on my face. 

_ Haven't you ever wondered how Kaneki survived? _

It might be surprising to them, I supposed, that someone could care about the monster pulled about by fate.

"Wha-"

"The one eyed ghoul did-" Marude raised his hand to his mouth, in a grimace, It felt that the whole world asked it, someone so small and so blameless who never had anything to do with this fight. Why was I even here, when I could choose so easily never to suffer?

_ I'm going to save him. _

"But if he… then why…"

I looked up and tried to look as sweet as I could with my face bared to them so boldly, by extension, my heart. 

The sign was held in my hands, in bright pink expo marker and the closest thing to a smile I could approximate, silent.

_ Because I love him. _

//Haise//

Clean, clear liquid in a syringe.

My hands reached out, cupped to receive it like water. Something I needed. Something I'd die without. I. Needed it to feel human. To feel alright, lest my sanity creep away in the night.

I held myself still, hands held up, and a numbing clarity injected into an eye gone black and red. Prescribed relief like fire, burning me out, through my veins, leaving nothing but ash. No doubt left.

…

...Clean, clear liquid in a syringe. 

My hands chained behind my back, shaking in horror at something so clearly poison. Noises that shouldn't be made, in front of me an instrument developed to torture the infallible. It looked so harmless but pure agony contained itself in that needle- to pull me down to humanity. Sanity. Forcibly. Intact. 

And held shaking still with heavy hands injected into an eye gone black and red- violated with fire, burning me out, leaving nothing but ash. No armor left.

…

Never had I felt more alone in my own head.

I refused the doubt, the weakness, the white ghost that had tormented me and finally made a decision. The white stained in my hair had grown out to only the tips, my head now jet black frosted in snow.

Soon the white would be gone altogether.

That was something to strive for, it had to be better once it was gone, surely I was better once it was gone.

I devoted myself to my training. Started to use my kagune more, though to counteract the chemicals that would overtake me from its use a larger dose of my RC suppressants would be necessary. 

I was sparring with Arima, asking him what he recommended I do to become better.

He seemed happy with me.

But more kagune use meant more RC cells, he said, and that meant that reasonably it needed to be dealt with or it would become less of a weapon and more of a limb, I couldn't risk that. It was much worse for me than for the quinx, that had the ability to choose different frames of their kagune so it wouldn't affect their humanity. I needed it to retain my reason, to exert that control my squad had built in, Arima and Akira perfected effortlessly over their own weapons. 

My kakuhou was a tumor, in my back, naturally overactive, mutated and deadly.

So I was referred to a special doctor, one that I'd already known to be famous, or… infamous.

He seemed to be well respected in the higher wings of the CCG, and he was well known for his success with the prisoners in cochlea.

Likely that meant that he was a professional interrogator, that his niche of medicine and ghoul anatomy was more geared towards harm and manipulation than healing. But what I was using seemed to run in the same vein, I couldn't be expected to be treated much better if I failed. So I would not.

It was a short interaction, with the man whose face seemed oddly put together, as if it had been pressed down or melted. But it was memorable, too memorable.

"Old Arima feeds you Cochlea's leftover seasoning?" A smirk, warped and sharp. "You must really be kept around for parts, eh. Well, if you're looking to exert that kind of control over a kagune that unstable, he's instructed me you're looking for a more heavy duty version of the inhibitors." 

In a hand, a syringe, filled with clear liquid, identical to the gentler version I'd been taking before.

"Like I've said, pretty much the same deal, but since you've been using the kagune, it's likely hardened your body to a degree, so to bring it back down to normal you'll have to do something quite unpleasant."

"That's alright."

He… laughed.

An eyelid, peeled down in garish exaggeration, the syringe hovering pointed towards it. Smiling, like the echoes of someone I was once afraid of.

...The man cracked his knuckles, in an odd way. One by one, with his thumb. I did not question it. 

I took it. It worked.

It was good, as a form of discipline, forcing me to build up my strength and endurance without any unnatural advantage. It seemed the correct thing to do in this situation, but I could no longer tell what anything felt like anymore, and maybe that was nice after so much but the quinx didn't really like it about me. My sense of taste and smell was affected in the weirdest and most unpleasant way. Everything had grown sickly sweet, like chemical laden blood.

Or perhaps that was me.

The point was that I could overcome the vulnerability that came with the control of RC cells, with Arima's steady training, I began to gain ground. I could work around the pain, forcing my kagune into different shapes, changing its consistency nearly like a quinque itself forming armor so hard.

But it appeared, the longer I took it, the easier it became to endure it… it got easier, I got stronger, as if walking around with weights taped to my arms were finally building them up. The more of it I took, the more I could handle, the more I felt good, the less white spots of memory plagued me.

Was this what being human felt like?

It was a world I realized more and more I was barely part of though I asserted that I was. With the quinx squad, that I still felt obligated to protect. 

I had never abandoned them, and I was pleased to report that Mutsuki was progressing well in defense lessons with special class Suzuya, and Shirazu had truly pulled himself together to try to lead the squad. He shaved his head as a sort of resolution, I supposed, and Urie had grown a little more humble and cautious, though he still strove to succeed. 

The only one I was worried about was Yonebayashi. She seemed convinced that Arima must have done something to my mind or whatnot. I was too serious, she said. Too quiet. Hair wasn't meant to grow out that fast.

And maybe deep inside I felt the worry too, the fear, but there was no place for it.

I dismissed her concerns, my voice still polite and warm, but perhaps calmer, a darker shade of grey.

Shirazu wanted to learn how to use his Kagune. He came to me to ask to train more properly. And I realized that the reason he inquired was because he had been unable to use his new quinque Nutcracker, probably related to the fact that he'd been the one to end the ghoul's life.

I would have tried to help him understand and work through his problems more, so he could use it, but wasn't as though I would be of any use, the way I was. I didn't have emotion to spare for problems like that, I'd only fall apart. He didn't really seem to want to fix it either, anyway.

So I sparred with him. And he got better.

Happiness and emotions undulled, and color, color that barely existed on my scale of black and white.

Mutsuki wouldn't stop talking about Juuzou, and I didn't realize until much later that the "princess" nickname Shirazu gave Urie had stopped making him mad. 

Though in the darker, larger world of the CCG uppers, color didn't matter.

What mattered was my performance, my contributions. How I carried myself, the fleeting moments Arima saw me as more than a failed experiment.

I was still not strong enough to equal him. But if I only tried harder, I could, I had to.

THe first time I'd entered a special class meeting, I felt like an imposter. But now I knew I was supposed to be here, or at least I told myself I did, in the hall of the Washuus with the strong ones from whom I craved approval, conformity with.

Along with the ones I was acquainted with, there was Marude, Ui, Furuta, Chief Washuu and Matsuri Washuu. Arima sat at his place at the table with his own squad, and I was given a spot beside them through my promotion.

I only knew them for their achievements, the medals and badges they received, but in a lineup like this it was surprisingly hard to tell them apart. I found comfort in knowing I no longer stood out here.

"Assistant Special Class Sasaki's investigation into the connection between the Rose clan and Aogiri has helped us greatly. Through the strategy this predicts and informs, we've been able to connect them through the auction raid."

"What do you propose? Aogiri has been retreating as of late, or it looks so, but activity has been off the charts. I haven't seen this kind of action from them since the battle of Anteiku."

Eyes down skimming a report on all findings on the Tsukiyama noble family of ghouls, my hands stiffened, and for a second, I thought.

...Wasn't that the name of the coffee shop I went to…? It… they said the… original burned down…

No.

"That seems to be right. We're looking at a large-scale operation to exterminate the Tsukiyama family before their influence can reach Aogiri no Ki."

Juuzou was blinking, still kind of lost. "Didn't Aogiri recently move to take the 20th ward-?"

"Yes they did, I expect you to pay more attention next time, Suzuya."

"But I wasn't there, I was at the auction," he pouted. "And then I spent a good while learning to teach people how to knives."

"Good job with that," Marude said, long suffering. "But the thing is they did, completely overnight, but a day later they were gone as soon as we'd brought in reinforcements. The question is what they were doing there."

Furuta side eyed the whole group, eerily silent until then "That should be investigated."

"Of course, but we simply don't have the time right now, because this will likely turn much more serious than a simple house raid should be, since they've got Aogiri's support, and Aogiri and the clowns will also have a predicted clash."

He smiled, fading back into the background within a second. "Oh, no problem!"

I looked to Arima, and then the other speaker, a respected special class from squad 0, Hirako. "Yes, Aogiri will likely arrive again like they did at the raid, and likely so will the much smaller White Suits, a former sect of Aogiri. They're less dangerous than they used to be since Suzuya finished off Jason a while back, but still to be noted."

Another one furrowed her brow. "Not to sound redundant, but that's been happening quite a lot lately, hasn't it?"

Arima took that opportunity to come in, leaning forward. "Yes, exactly. And they've been a huge hindrance for the CCG. So we've decided to take the bait this time with the Rose clan and take one of them, before we move to exterminate the group altogether."

"Really? How are we going to do that?"

Hirako answered her. "We're now aware that their leader is the short girl in bandages, well known as the inheritor to the original owl fought and killed in the battle of Anteiku, the one eyed owl. She's extremely dangerous, triple S rated. Some other officers have been able to take on newer owl types- Sasaki was very successful with the sudden appearance of a third owl, though he eventually escaped, but no one has been reported surviving an encounter with  _ her _ save special class investigators Arima and Suzuya."

Juuzou raised his hand. "With all due respect, uh, I'm not fighting the owl again. If Arima hadn't come in to scare her off, I'd be dead." He looked down, grimacing. "And I failed. Got someone hurt."

I stayed silent, jaw set hard.

That was before my time, I justified it, though I was older than Juuzou.

He'd told me, at one point, of his past.

_ She was only fighting out of revenge, I swear. I… killed her father. So she took mine away from me. _

_ I tried to fight, but I lost my leg. I went out of control, Arima had to bail me out or I'd have killed myself running at her. It'd do no good to face her again. Even if I've gotten stronger, so has she. And I don't know if I'd want to kill her anyway. _

Hirako nodded. "Don't worry about that, Juuzou, you aren't a good match to fight her like you were with the original owl, and we wouldn't want to lose someone like you. More instructions will be given before the battle, but we'll be having each special and assistant special class assigned to their own high ranking ghoul to take out Aogiri and secure the whole area."

I felt all eyes on me, somehow.

"So our main goal is to eliminate the one eyed owl to effectively destroy Aogiri Tree?" I asked, pushing up my glasses. 

Arima turned to me, and spoke. "I've spoken with Chief Washuu and you've demonstrated great strength recently. I've evaluated you to be the best candidate to take her on, as your main target, though we may give you other orders. He has agreed."

There was a ringing in my ears, a sharp, cold tone. And my mouth hung open a second but soon it returned to a line. Silently, I nodded. 

"Not only that, Sasaki," Furuta smiled, and once again I was almost surprised to see him there, oddly forgettable. "There's been talk, in the ghoul world… of a certain being calling themself the 'one eyed king' of the ghouls. Supposedly, the strongest of all their kind."

Chief Washuu nodded. "I've been thinking quite the same, there's no way the king would not be the one eyed owl."

One of the women from squad two nodded. "And there was a work published, very recently, that claims this too- a so called nameless king. That can unite all ghouls. It's only a work of fiction, but all fiction is based in and influences reality, and the author is on the watchlist of possible ghouls. We must destroy this so-called king, and ghoulkind will crumble."

And this fell to me.

So the meeting concluded, and the decisions trickled down to my quinx squad, but the words stuck with me. Talk of extermination, of annihilation and domination and bloody, bloody victory.

Juuzou, one of the most talented officers in the force, convinced of this absolute monster's 'humanity'.

And the command, in every corner of my mind, from a thousand voices at once, all mine and all at once everyone but me.

_ Kill the one eyed king. _

//Hide//

I'd done a stupid amount of research, since the whole incident that started this forever ago.

On humans. And ghouls. And love between the two.

Not like, sex lmao- (all I'd get would be tentacle porn)- I meant like. Those heavy questions. Those things that seemed so impossible to resolve.

Could we live in peace, those two races, could predator ever truly love prey, could there possibly be a world in which there would be a happily ever after for something so tragic?

And I believed it, I truly did- but though the strength of my faith in life had gotten us both through so much, it helped to have resources. To know the history.

And what I found was… both heartwarming and heartbreaking. I wanted to bad to infodump to him- hey, look at me, a bitch finally got a productive special interest, huh??

Hey, Kaneki, did you know that they used to worship ghouls?

Yeah, wack, right? In Egypt, places like India and such, plenty of indiginous cultures as well. They don't like to talk about it here, now, but-

Long ago, there was no need for ghouls to fight and attack humans for the most part. No need for humans to defend themselves from ghouls, because…

They lived in peace, just fine. Ghouls were just part of the circle of life or whatever, a lot of those cultures left their dead to them instead of having bodies buried or burned.

They didn't understand how colonizers would wish to make it so no life would come of a death.

And even then, they didn't start really persecuting ghouls in a widespread fashion until around the 17th century, it's not some eternal conflict futile to try to fix, like everyone sees it as.

It's… when you boil it down, unsurprisingly to do with military conquest and greedy aristocrats. But it's been ingrained into all our heads for so long now, hasn't it- you might wonder if by now there's really any hope of changing the way things are?

In a world such as this, is there any hope of loving a ghoul?

You know there's plenty of literature about it. Mostly cheesy, racy harlequin novels ending in how the Dark and Mysterious Stranger eventually succumbed to his murderous urges or whatever… and lots of crying and dying on the part of the human. Yeah, not my thing.

is there a chance we could make it, so neither of us die a painful death? (Damn, Kaneki, you should have known I couldn't die on you, king, that would be bury your gays!) 

...And as much as it is for us, I realize that this is something that needs to be fixed, for everyone, surely we couldn't be the only star crossed lovers on the planet.

I know Kimi quite well now, you'd be surprised to learn- she's still trying to help Nishiki-senpai, and I want to help her too. I love them, I want to bring you to their wedding when this is all over, I know they'll stick together. I wish the best for those bisexual simps.

But I knew it'd be… hard. From the beginning.

And I don't wish you to know how I'd cried finding tragedy after tragedy. Loss, after loss, after devastating loss, failure to fix the system time and time again.

I just want to help you, is that too much to ask?

You don't need to know any more pain.

I woke, and everything felt numb and odd, but that was better than usual.

There was a confidential hospital room, and people I trusted, and… a voice.

Things had happened over the last few months, oh yeah, I should probably mention that.

I learned a lot, from lots of digging online as well as Eto's books with that juicy lore and general anonomous fucking around. (like bro i'm not eavesdropping i'm just listening in.)

And I got in contact with the CCG after two years- or well, specific members of the CCG, plus a few select ghoul organizations, and I began to piece together a narrative of whatever… caused all this.

God, it made no sense to me, if I thought about it too hard, but at least I was far from alone now. My charisma nat 20 kind of got me on pretty much everyone's side.

...and, uh, no spoilers but when I meant everyone's side, I meant. Everyone's.

At this point, I wasn't sure what to call it anymore, was I like?? Quadruple crossing?? Benedict Arnold to the sixth power? I didn't know shit about military strategy, but there I was participating in it anyway. The things you do for dick, man.

It wasn't like I was going to be on the front lines, of course, that was more of Kaneki's thing… I was usually a healer in DnD, and it was clear why.

I was more than an anonymous scarecrow now, to a lucky few, once I got a feel for who I could all trust to have Kaneki's best interests in mind.

There were plenty of fucknuts up in the high offices, and for more reasons than authority stinky, I'll get to that later. But there were the Select Special Motherfuckers who'd decided to tolerate my presence. (it turned out there were more people than just, well, me, on my side! epic!) And bonus for putting up with me, they got special premium access to my fucking face. 

...I was so filled with sorrow, knowing it was so close to the same as two years ago, when I sat in the cafe and smiled, telling Kaneki I believed there was a ghoul organization in the 20th ward. The whole room had tensed in pain, and I crumpled inside knowing he'd never tell me on his own.

There I stood, with the CCG officers trying to save him from himself again, and I'd spent so long to put this together like a puzzle, starting with pilfered files and photos from Takizawa's desk in a college dorm with too many feelings to let it go.

The wrench left on the rooftop of the building shadowing the fall. Records of the Binge Eater's sudden appearance in the 20th ward from the 11th from nowhere. Programmed blindness in the CCG and a strange appearance of fedoras (yeah, really). An awol doctor and too many missing bodies from cochlea, from battles overseas, from the Washuu.

The answers were all so stupid, but I had to live with them and I had to fix them, and I had to find him his crown so I could take the weight off his head.

The nameless king, Eto? Really? Could you possibly have been more transparent? 

I was alone, in a crowd of people, when I usually felt so at home with it all, when the people I was with smiled at me or put a hand on my shoulder or called out my name, I was happy, but I was tired, standing there trying to reach him, unsatisfied until I could resolve the entire world for him, trying to heal myself only for him.

But like my smile in that coffee shop in apology to what I knew, it could do nothing for him when after that in the night he gave himself up to something so terrible his hair grew white.

I knew enough, standing there in the shadows, to know what needed to be done. But I wondered in every way, still, would it be enough?

He'd been so damaged, and I'd not been there to take the pain, he was only walking further astray and I still wondered if I could catch up before it was too late.

Kaneki, was Haise, was standing in the uniform of an investigator with a look on his face like he thought himself ebony darkness dementia raven way, and not in the sexy way, in the oh god please someone get him a therapist way.

He'd been broken and reformed, again and again and he looked near unrecognizable, in those glasses and that long coat and a face so empty, why'd he have to choose that fuckwad as his father figure?

With all my heart I wished he knew he wasn't alone.

But I was still reaching, and he was alone, still even in his own mind, my face erased from his memory.

"Hey, Nagachika- does it work?" I was asked, when the bowl cut man told me I was discharged, and I looked up with my eyes scrunched up, like I was smiling.

I reached up and adjusted my mask, still riddled with fatigue and residual pain, but I opened my mouth, attempting to talk.

"Check- check- is this thing workinYEE" I said, and it made an actual noise- And then I was jumping up and down and then I was scrapping that idea fast, about to pass out.

It was crunchy, alright, the voice sounded like someone speaking through a phone, but it sounded like my voice nonetheless, the voice I'd never been so glad to hear.

"Very nice. Very nice." There were a few pleasant claps, they took me through the halls of the CCG as I messed with the settings, once again fiddling with the metal thing just vibing there in my neck. (I am once again asking Kaneki Why My Face You Gay Homosexual) They said that in time more could be done and they could fix me up so I'd have a natural voice again. In time, I knew the scars would fade, so I didn't have to walk around with a constant covid style going on, at some point I might be able to give him something approximating a smile. But for now, this would suffice.

It would hurt him less when we met again, the more I could pull myself back together. I didn't want him to see me as a canvas of his sins.

"Hey look, I'm darth vader!!" I said, my voice turned way low, breathing really heavily for effect. "hHhHHhHhhHhHh"

The man was not impressed. Shrugging, I tried to fix it to normal again, but it took me about a year. 

"Hi, yeah, it's gonna take me a while to get used to this," I said, out loud, so much pause between each word. But it was there, and that was enough. "So the doctor-"

"Wait, which doctor did it?"

_ Kano /j _

"Can't text tones out loud, I think that's a crime," I said, holding it up. "No, the only good CCG doctor. The bowl cut guy. I should remember his name he just operated on my face for like ten hours. Uh. Starts with a Chi. The guy who knows shit about quinques and quinxes and ghouls. Fuck, I've never had to say that out loud. Qshwwwhwh. Kwi… ew." I shrugged. "Who else is there, there's terf man who simps for Arima and then there's well. Uh. The guy."

Kaneki, or, well, Haise's doctor.

The one with the, uh, shall I say ~history~. 

I wondered why he hadn't gotten shipped off to prison years ago, motherfucker was the worst war criminal and that's saying something. But. That was another problem to fix.

I reached for the board again, before realizing I could talk. (I could talk!) "Bowl cut man has some guts, surprisingly he managed to get some of Kaneki's blood samples along with that brain scan they did a while ago and uh, well, we found the problem."

"...it's Arima, isn't it?" He said, and he still sounded disappointed, but not surprised. He'd respected Kishou Arima for a long time, and I could understand. But it was still the truth.

"The inhibitors they have him on. The intel said they were… the same as 13th ward's Jason used."

His eyes widened. "Is that…"

I nodded, and I felt so much anger. 

So much anger that could go nowhere, because it would serve no purpose, god, I'd almost give up all my plans just to deck that man in the face once. But none of it would serve any purpose until Kaneki again remembered my face.

He'd been through so much. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to be so afraid of your own mind, I couldn't imagine having everything so unknown, that the reason was something so innocent, so terrible, everything that was wrong so completely out of my control.

I'd fix this for him, I'd do anything.

But, well, I'd been through a lot and I'd learned a lot, when I followed the trail of someone who attracted so much death I was bound to come near it. So many times.

But I was not dead, and if that was true, I could still shine.

I would not die on him. I'd be there for him, when he needed me, I could tell him all he needed to hear.

He'd waited a while on that promise, I knew, but I'd told him I'd bring him home, and I wasn't going to back down on that. And I'd return his own smile to his face so maybe I could get my own back.

Because if he cried a thousand tears for problems I could never experience, pain and heartbreak and loss and guilt I'd never had to feel I could take that from him. Even if it hurt. Even if I only gave up more of myself to him-

There had been a ghoul, at Anteiku, an old man with a talent for coffee and an old, old ring on his finger, so many children he'd adopted into his shop and the love of a whole district of ghouls.

But he could help everyone in the world and he'd still call himself evil.

I'd talked to him so long ago. Told him not to tell Kaneki that I'd known all along what he was. And the truth was that the old man had seen it from the beginning, When Kaneki stood in the doorway and cried over the way I lay bandaged in the guests room, still standing with blood soaking his front, calling himself a monster.

Yoshimura was there, and since he was a ghoul, it probably wasn't hard to tell when someone wasn't asleep.

I wasn't scared, I'd known he was kind. 

Well, that was a lie, I was, because who wouldn't when you were bleeding on the ground and a punk girl with glowing wings told your best friend if you figured out what he was she'd kill you.

I couldn't blame her, I couldn't think she hadn't had a hard life, but she'd never had to worry for his safety, from me.

But the manager was only ever kind, he sat by the bed and asked quite plainly how long I'd known. If I would be dedicated to help him, if I'd keep it secret no matter what.

And he said that it was obvious, as when so soon later he brought Nishiki and Kimi to the shop-

That I was just the same.

He told me back in ye old boomer days he'd loved a human girl, and well. That was something, wasn't it. Married her, had a child with her, a child who should have by all rights grown up with all the love and happiness in the world.

Even when he tried to overturn the world for her, to make a peace where something like that was possible, he had failed.

But in time, he'd said a thousand years ago, in time, I could.

//Haise//

The atmosphere in the chateau was somber, for most of the week before the Tsukiyama raid 

And I wasn't about to draw conclusions, but I knew that it was me. Me spending less and less time with my squad, more and more with the special class, building my strength, my speed and strategy and growing darker and darker. I deferred to Arima. He'd given me the responsibility of the most dangerous job. He'd trusted me as his weapon to destroy the ghouls, I could not disappoint him.

I saw him smile, when I moved as he directed with his hand.

Kill the owl. Save the world, sharpen and destroy your softness, be worthy of the life you were given.

I barely lived in that house, those last few days, and when I did appear, the whole room went silent.

But in all honesty, I couldn't afford to care about it, so I didn't.

I just told them their assignments, assumed my role, prepared them for battle and looked into the distance at the dark, cold task.

…

Dark clouds rolled over the stars in February, the giant household surrounded by helicopters, an entire army of the CCG.

THey'd never meant to announce themselves, we were under no obligation to be kind to the ghouls- but as soon as it became apparent that the manor was surrounded… the leader of the household came out.

Surrender, easy surrender, people that looked no more than normal humans, in only robes and slippers in the night that promised storm.

...they looked so innocent.

But I refused to believe it. They were ghouls. I knew from my own mind they'd tear us apart if they let themselves.

"Assistant Special Class Sasaki."

My communications device, strapped to my hip. 

"Yes, sir."

"They're a bluff, they're hiding or abetting more members of the family. Your intel promised a son, correct?"

"Yes."

"Take the third unit. Find him. Kill him. Once Aogiri shows up you know what to do."

"Yes, sir."

I turned to my squad, as we raced into the mansion, holding out weapons, a thousand windows breaking with more ghouls and organizations who wanted a say in the war. Aogiri wouldn't take long to show itself. 

On marble floors, I spoke to the quinx, the white in my hair stubbornly blowing in my face. "Alright- Mutsuki, some sects of Aogiri have already shown up there with some small fry classes up on the balcony. They want you to fight them with Suzuya, but then you should split up to head to your respective squads. You've all been assigned to Noro, it's quite an honor they think that highly of you. I do not believe I will be able to join you in that, because of my mission. So I'd advise you all to guard each other well."

Monochrome, the sight of battle through my glasses, through the ostentatious halls silhouetting us, streaking past like a strobe light.

"The household heir has been confirmed to be heading for the west wing rooftop, Sasaki, copy?"

"Copy"

"Sasaki," Urie said right behind me, voice worried. "Where's the rest of your unit?"

"They're right h-"

We emerged into the large space out the second floor, below us was where my main forces were designated to be.

But below, a scene of devastation, carnage and death. There was Aogiri.

"I'll go myself, the ones that are left are occupied. It's important now more than ever for all of you to keep to your missions." 

"Maman, you can't-"

I didn't respond, I didn't have the time. Open window and the west wing was seven stories high, I grabbed hold of the sill and let my kagune erupt from behind me, gripping the story above as I launched upward. The extra limbs were strong and flexible and through force of will I flipped like a vertical cartwheel upwards clinging to the windows. The world turned to a spiral landing hard on the abandoned roof, wind cutting through me at every angle though I refused to acknowledge it.

Alone, on the roof, with cold steel in my hand.

I was made to walk a specific road, and I'd spent so long cowering at the beginning when the only thing to do was to walk forward with pride. I had to refuse everything else. 

I was strong and I had no color, and three months ago I would have laid on the ground and bleed out tears through my eyes but I'd lost that ability. I had to move forward, with what I had to be. It didn't matter, no matter how much it hurt, I'd been wrong.

I had mistakenly developed the belief that I am allowed to have desires.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi also i am very very gay and made a playlist for this story and it's all in order of the chapters so there's like 2-5 songs for each chapter (if you read into it it includes spoilers since i've already plotted out the entire fic and written significantly more than i've edited and published yet but uh LOOK AT IT I THINK IT'S VERY SEXY OF ME)  
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/29u4601w0zcJauhlpGst29?si=rCZnThM4RdmkeidSAJRPdQ  
> don't you dare forget the sun might be. important hmm idk *tucks hair behind head* you'll have to wait and see


	10. In Which Haise Remembers Why He Forgot About That

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So Edgy Bitch Haise is about to fight a big fucken battle but he's got some pretty massive misconceptions of what's going to end up happening and what the right thing to do is. Also, uh, his head *really* hurts, he doesn't know why, and it's not good timing. He thinks he knows who the one eyed king is, and he's wrong, he thinks he knows a lot of things that he's wrong about actually, and it all starts to fall apart. Like twenty people die in this chapter not gonna lie.  
> And guess who's hair fucking changes color again. For... reasons. But I swear it makes more sense than in canon, and it actually,,, works like hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, the title does imply what you think it does. Stop hating me now please he's going to be ok and stop being an asshole :))) (wow I can't believe i wrote my own original plot for once)  
> I love how I just put 16 as the final number of chapter just as I finished writing 13 and realized I have to split it into two chapters bc it's like. 10000 words and that's too many
> 
> I am once again reminding you I think way too much about songs in reference to this story and uh :) i apologize for my music taste it's actually mostly locketheart's i stole all of his vibes

//Haise//

There was no one on the roof. 

And for a second I was just standing there, as if the cold wind was nothing, the sound of helicopters above, the harsh scent of the air.

...what… was that...

All at once, I clutched my head, struck with a vicious migraine. And my legs felt weak, I fell to my knees-

Splitting apart, the world blurring out, colors and noise and I bit my lip to avoid crying out.

This was normal, I swore, there was no reason to worry- it was… a bit… worse than normal but why- here-

Footsteps, their sound amplified like my head was on fire.

I straightened immediately, with strong will ignoring the inexplicable pain in my head, narrowing my eyes as the world shivered before me.

And for the longest time, we only stared at each other, helicopters issuing commands as the battle commenced on all fronts. Aogiri must be here now. I'd deal with them next.

He seemed much less cocky than he had been at the time I met him in the square, now instead somewhat distraught, entitled and angry.

And then at my hip, loud static, a voice.

"Investigator Sasaki, have you made contact with the Tsukiyama son? We can send you reinforcements if you have."

"..." I brought it to my mouth, staring directly into Tsukiyama's eyes. "...No, I have not yet confirmed the heir."

And I flipped the switch, closing the communication. I lowered my hand to the ground, giving him silence.

No, I wanted to settle this on my own.

He had an expression comical, long suffering as if I'd been bullying him. "Let me by, come on."

"I'm afraid not. Surrender. It'll be much nicer for you if you do."

"Ha. You think I'm going to do that? My family is going to die."

…

How was I supposed to see him this way? Someone who I already felt such rational disgust towards, someone who despite every monstrosity wanted to save his family?

Detestably, did that make us similar?

No. It didn't. He was a ghoul, and what he did would make him weak. I would exploit that, not sympathize with it.

"Now I understand you a bit more, being in this situation," he said. "...or, at least I understand what you used to be. I thought we had something. But maybe not."

"You're right about that," I said, completely unimpressed, refusing to be moved in the slightest. Why should I feel any mercy for him? "You don't know me, you knew a ghoul. I am Sasaki Haise, and I don't have anything to do with you." And I held out the professional briefcase that held my quinque, pressing the button and holding it out as it morphed into a weapon in my hand, strong and grey and unfeeling.

"You'd be a real child not to realize I'd fight you again. But at least Kaneki had the decency to apologize," he said, and in a minute, he lashed out his hand, a pulsing corkscrew of a koukaku twisting around his arm.

He didn't waste any time, leaping forward at me, forcing me to parry instead of attack.

But I did it easily, I found it a lot less difficult to respond to and predict his moves, even in the dark. I clashed with him on the roof, blow after blow, and though his strength was significant, as a natural born ghoul, he-

Next, he was going to try to sweep me off my feet from the side.

I leapt away from his legs just in time, narrowing my eyes. And with a twirl of his body, then a thrust of his kagune at my abdomen-

_ There was cheering all around, screaming and light and a terrible vulnerability sinking into my bones, a thousand eyes on me. _

_ He'd tricked me. I'd been a naive teenager, even warned about him I'd gone with to be polite, and he'd tricked me so easily. I was the dinner, I was the dinner and he dressed me in a suit and drugged me and locked me in when he'd smiled so nicely and complimented my taste in books. _

_ Terror and betrayal and nausea, legs that wouldn't run and a giant quinque thrusting down at me, screaming hoarse and fraught with the masked, leering, hungry crowd, a dish to be prepared and consumed. _

_ I fell to the ground, slipping in a puddle of blood in uncomfortable shoes, like a dressing, laid out like a slab of meat on a plate- _

_ My eyepatch was ripped off and exposed, the human blood had triggered spreading black cracks from a red eye. And my mouth was open in desperate disbelief, dreadfully, utterly, violently violated, gore raining down on me and his masked smile stared me down- my head spinning, reduced to no more than a useless doll, the same twist of his kagune tearing me to the ground. _

My eyes bulged wide and on top of the roof in freezing wind I threw him away in the same defense, automatic, laden with pain.

That was why I recognized his fighting style, burned into my mind, how could I forget-

...Memory.

THAT WAS A MEMORY.

My mouth dropped open, and I hesitated, just a second too long.

A violet corkscrew, thrusting itself towards my abdomen, sending me smashing into the covered ventilator unit atop the building, a sharp metal  _ clang _ .

My mind in turmoil, head split open in agony, I couldn't tell who was laughing and who was screaming. On the ground with a sharp thing twisting into me like a screw, blood flying from my mouth.

I was terrified, overwhelmed with such pain and fear and utter confusion, knowledge that I had no place for so clear in my mind.

No- no- no- no- no- I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't please- freezing trauma suddenly ripped open in paralysis, the pain, my organs pulled apart and scrambled and I was crying-

_ Get. Up. _

_ He's barely even S rated. You're above that. _

_ Get. Up. And. Fight. _

Arima, staring down at me coldly, voice low, irritated, disappointed.

_ How could you be losing to this glorified vermin when you're so much stronger? You can't rely on friends to come save you. _

Arima… I can't…

A sudden jolt of unadulterated panic as I felt myself shaped, held, a briefcase, a sword.

_ You belong to me. _

_ Or would you prefer to die again? _

- _ again again again again again again- _

From the ground, in blood, I shot out a kagune, slapping him off me with force, standing though every cell in my body screamed for release. My face smudged in blood and drenched in pain, breath labored.

No words, I couldn't form words, I was not refined enough for words.

Following orders, like a marionette of a corpse, cut him down, cut him down, sever his kagune, stagger his defense, quinque raised and force him to the ground.

And with eyes hollow, hair near black and crimson adorning my face I straddled the man, blade of quinque steel raised with shaking hands to skewer his heart.

Like a poorly made robot with only one task, it rattled around in my damaged brain, threshold breaking.

_ Kill kill kill kill kill kill kill _

And in my mind, mismatched eyes bulging with fear, it screamed.

_ No, please, I'm not- I'm not a murderer I can't I can't I can't kill no one deserves to die he'll kill me if I don't but I can't do it _

_ Someone please stop me or I won't have the strength to hold up this weapon- _

And then. Someone stopped me, the weapon shot from my hands with short, sharp knives.

Hands a dark red, I looked up, a monster hunched over something helpless, and saw the world again for the first time.

Mutsuki, his face grave, covered in blood and his eyepatch gone.

"Hey, Sensei."

"..."

"It's a bad thing I've done, but it's a bad thing he did too. I'd like to save you from feeling the same."

And a kagune I'd never seen from his back, twisted like the knotted roots of a tree, shooting out and with one push shoving Tsukiyama off the side of the building with not so much as a shout.

It was silent, and snow began to fall.

"You're trying too hard, sensei. Hair isn't meant to grow out that fast," he said, nonchalantly, the wind oddly calm. "Juuzou never showed. I got in trouble. I killed the torso. I hope you still have the sense to know it was wrong."

I knelt beside him, the kid who never should have had to go through so much, so fast, and I regained some of that sense he spoke of, softening. 

"Thank you. And I forgive you."

Mutsuki helped me to my unsteady feet, and as I looked down there was a silent second seeing the bloody smear on the ground far below, snow already beginning to pile on it, sparkling and white.

I felt opened, vulnerable again- and it was like the saddest song, so sweet and pure and kind- mournful in a major key, the worst time for me to once again accept kindness.

Because I'd forgotten of the world, of the owl, Aogiri Tree, of the one eyed king.

It was a sound almost like wings, if you embellished enough, but mournful, I heard it and turned to Tooru, his cheeks pink from cold. "Mutsuki, find the rest of the qs, please help them."

"Wh-"

"This was my assignment."

I couldn't have ever known if Tooru had left or not, because unprompted those metaphorical wings came down like shock waves, wings of cloth flapping about in flurries of snow.

The ground shook, and I stood but it took effort, suddenly so unprepared.

A high pitched laugh, from everywhere at once, warped like it was put through a filter, the giant hulking form that made up the CCG's greatest enemy.

"Ahahaha- You killed him!"

Part of me wanted to claim I had, the other vehament that it hadn't been me to deal the final blow. 

"You certainly have awakened the way that fool Arima wanted you to, huh?"

Silently, I stubbornly shifted to a fighting stance, joints already aching.

I was the way he'd made me, blackened and splattered with blood, calluses on my hands from where I held the quinque steel and the scars of wanting to be like him. But I'd cracked now, hadn't I. Just a little bit.

I'd never fought this woman before. I'd seen her once in a fight, quite possibly the scariest thing I'd ever seen, barely even humanoid she could manipulate her kagune so much, harden a mask around her face turning her into something more like godzilla than a ghoul.

I was meant to fight this.

Why not Arima, wasn't he the strongest-

Or did he want to test me, knowing if I somehow managed, if I brought him the owl's head- that with it I'd hand him the last remnants of my free will, I'd snuff out the last part of my heart?

Juuzou's words echoed in the corner of my mind, a forgiveness for this thing so monstrous.

But of course I had to fight her, if I valued the lives of the people I loved, my quinx squad, Akira, Juuzou and everyone else at the CCG I'd grown to know over these two years- she had to be defeated.

I let my rinkaku from my back, as the laughing thing swept at me like a cat might a mouse, and refused to think of anything else. I leapt at her, quinque out and kagune repulsing me against the wall.

I only got about two blows in before she slammed me to the ground with enormous scythes of koukaku, already bruised ribs screaming fire.

"So, Kaneki… have you awakened yet?"

"I-" I stood up again- "I don't know what on earth you're talking about. I don't know you."

She laughed, and nearly severed my arm from my shoulder. "It's no use fighting me, kid, but I can do this all day."

And as if to prove her point, the ground beneath me exploded into rubble, a spike of kagune thrust up underneath, leaving me clinging to a pole, gritting my teeth and leaping to the next surface, reaching her eye level.

"Kanou did well with you, huh. But you really ought to be fighting with me, not against me. Fake." A small laugh, a cut to my thigh. "I can smell the denial on you, Kaneki, it's not healthy. You're a sedated pet, aren't you?"

Fed up, I leapt upon her holding my quinque, snow catching in my hair. "Stop talking to me like I'm a  _ ghoul _ . I am not Kaneki, I'm-"

_ -C R A S H- _

She wasn't taking that.

Fractured concrete, a body held down by fake ties, blood leaking from the corner of my mouth.

"S… asaki… Haise…"

I rose from the ground, bloodied and scuffed. 

"I need to fight you, you're the leader of Aogiri, you've killed so many and you'll kill more if left to your own devices."

"Yes, and so have you."

Silence.

"I have to save the people I love, I have to save humanity from the ghouls."

"Don't you think it's time you realize what you really need? It's not that easy, half ghoul."

I didn't need to be distracted by her words any longer. I was grateful to Mutsuki for saving me from killing another… it was different, it had to be-

But was it?

She must be the greatest foe I'd ever faced, a creature no one else had survived, a death sentence, and Arima gave me a tall order.

But I was determined to win, determined to please him, hair as dark as it could be, forcing single mindedness until I became incapable of questioning my actions. I silenced the thoughts. I ran across the walls, agile, turning in the air and coming at her from above.

I opened my mouth, my eyes half lidded, mismatched in the dark. “Shut up. One eyed king.”

She laughed.

I was strong. I could handle it. I didn't care if I was hollow on the inside, what mattered was the outside, that it looked whole, that it looked impenetrable, so then it would be so.

Blood on the ends of my limbs, drenching my hands and I ignored the thirst, keeping my senses clamped down.

But she kept laughing, even as I hurt her, even as all that despair and pain and training paid off, all that rotted in me sharp and a knife in my hand. Even as the crimson of her blood splattered across my front, the sound of battle and helicopters around me, it didn’t make her falter and that was-

...so, unbelievably sad…

Oh lord please, not the guilt, that was not what I was made for, it would be of no help…

Her kagune struck at the walls, sending concrete down around me as I widened my eyes, dipping to the ground-

As I fell, my brain helpfully supplied that it was a trap.

And her laugh, that one eyed monster’s mask opening to reveal a feminine body, diminutive and wrapped in bandages. Her face was twisted in hilarity, though she seemed almost vulnerable covered in nothing but those bandages, most of her entire fighting form was presumably created from kagune.

In reality she was so small, and yet, completely unafraid, she smiled so wide like she wanted to rip my own away from me.

“What do you want with me?”

Her voice echoed, but there was nowhere to echo it from, or maybe it was the pain behind my eyes making it seem that way, when it should have been swept away by the wind. “It’s not what I want… well it is." She leaned forward, bandages flapping. "It is about what I want, actually. But it’s also about what you want.”

I… was so tired.

“I want to be Haise.”

She cocked her head. “Do you know what that name means?” 

Tiredly, I thrust the quinque at her, enclosed in the shadow of the owl’s giant wings.

Yes, of course. It was the only thing I did know. It was my name, it was the label on my white coat, it was more than a number on a prison uniform. It was my whole purpose, the meaning Arima had placed on my worth.

It was why I was fighting this battle right now. In the cold, the dead of night, muted in grey with the snow’s cover, ruining the white with dark, hot red.

"It is written with the kanji for 'coffee' or 'grey', and the one for 'world'," I recited, something I knew by heart, something I'd had to learn.

And she smiled, pulling the weapon from my hands and breaking it in two, clattering to the ground and rising up with the sharp things like armor on her shoulders larger than herself.

"No," she said, "It means  _ nameless _ ."

I-

Deep, endless void, dark black I hid in, holding my hands over my eyes while I refused to shiver.

No-

I cut her down, away from her weapon, blood again splattering my frozen face.

"Don't you want to know the truth?"

I didn't

I did I did I did I did 

"Don't you wish to know who you hurt, who you left behind, who you lost?"

She came close, she came too close, though she wasn't anywhere near me, the world contracting.

"Don't you want to know why the whole world knows your name?"

Everything I'd built up was frantically trying to block it but it was simply too much. My walls were being ripped away steadily like they were only cardboard when I could swear I'd made them quinque steel. The scent marking her a ghoul was so strong, like acid on my brain, melting the layer of black I'd doused my feelings in.

"Don't you want to know what you did to him?"

_ Him? _

"You said that you wanted to save your friends, right?" She turned to the side, she was barefoot, she was so strong and weak and utterly like me. "You're doing the wrong thing." And she held out a hand, both of us having cut the other to shreds, both dripping blood on the concrete.

I could barely breathe, I could barely think. She'd driven my sanity away, and now I could hear her.

"I have to say I've become honestly a bit jealous of you, Ken. Just look at us, we're both the same."

I would have said  _ we are not _ , but she'd stolen my breath, I fought her with a broken weapon because somehow that was more dignified than using only my own body, though the only difference was a hand on the sharp part of a corpse instead of your own limbs.

I called myself human, standing there in my coat and tie and gloves, but my kakugan matched hers, spreading cracks down my face.

"We're monsters," she said, laughing sweetly, "And we've spent our lives covered in blood because some motherfucker two hundred years ago was a greedy bitch. The only difference is that for you, someone made sure it doesn't always have to be that way."

I stood, swaying in place.

"Of course, in the end, it's all up to you," she said, sweeping down with the spikes of hardened kagune, pinning me in place before I could leap away. I was getting slow. "Just look around you."

And there I was. On the roof, eyes forced open to what lay far below on the ground.

The main force of the CCG, blocading the front entrance and the front rooms scorched and torn apart, a large group of ghouls herded into the center of the space.

What was wrong with that? I looked to her, skeptically, ready again to attack.

They were captured, but most actually didn't look Aogiri, or even armed, and on second thought…

...Not all of them were even ghouls.

I blinked and forced my eyes to focus- and I- how had I not heard the screaming, that now was so deafening in my ears, I stood above it, my eyes moving from Eto to the ground- up again-

What were they doing? They hadn't told me of this. But surely what they were doing was smart, what with the stakes here.

The noise was so loud I had no idea how I'd ever blocked it out, terrible sounds of pain, shouts from the investigators violent and without mercy.

"You all have aided and collaborated with ghoul terrorist organizations. Starting today that will no longer be tolerated in a Tokyo free from violence."

I'd said that, myself. But it stood before me, I was out of my body looking at myself, the CCG, humans and ghouls and humans.

There was a girl there who seemed to be an adult but who could be no taller than four foot eight, clearly human, confused and straining to get free. She was shouting, defending her aid to the Tsukiyamas, but scared.

This was right this was right this was

A woman with honey blonde hair no older than me, disoriented and clearly brought here against her will, hair mussed, diminutive in handcuffs.

This was ri

Hinami, Hinami who had saved me and who'd already gone to prison and they said to me that they wouldn't kill her, in a dirty cochlea uniform.

This was

Several other people, many only humans, some subordinate ghouls, and-

Children.

So many children. Ghoul and human alike, sobbing and trying to run and dirty, hungry, some no older than three.

Helicopters overhead, the threatening sound nearly drowning out the cries of human rights violations. And jarring, an announcement.

"Attention, CCG forces have detained numerous associates of known ghoul organizations and offer our enemies a bargain."

My eyes widened. Surely, they didn't mean to-

"Your surrender. Their lives. It's that easy. If the leaders of the ghoul forces could give themselves up kindly, the death sentences on these prisoners will be rescinded."

And the owl looked to me, blood on her face, smiling. 

"Do you still think your precious humans are all so angelic now, nameless one?"

"N-"

...this was… r…?

I couldn't believe it, breathing in unsteadily, seeing the light of the CCG's helicopters illuminate the lilac grey sky, the snow, the blood.

Everything was too quiet, and everything I knew started to fall away. Because removed from the fight, at the head of this group beside the Washuus-

Arima, utterly unrepentant.

Presiding over the whole maneuver like any military action.

...Some vital narrative I'd clung to fundamentally broke apart at that moment. But I still clung to the pieces, no, this couldn't be real, this couldn't be right, then-

I forgot my state, getting a running start and using my kagune to fling myself right to the ground below, landing unsteadily on my knees. I ran directly at the soldiers holding their prisoners still.

It- no, surely there was a mistake. I had to stop them, with the black curtains ripped away I suddenly began to see it and no, surely- surely not-

Threatening to kill harmless children.

"Hey, what are you doing-" I said but my voice seemed to mean nothing even though it was louder than it had ever been. No one in the helicopters so high, the leaders of the CCG on the roof of the other building heard me.

What was my part in this plan???

And no one was coming, from inside the house I knew fights continued, the slaughtered regiment that was supposed to be mine still standing between them.

It was so loud but nothing changed and the first officer raised a quinque knife, held to the throat of a screaming boy, so loud, so loud, my head splitting open in agony as no one came to save him and I didn’t come to save him and-

Blood on the snow, and silence.

They killed him. We killed him. I killed him.

The one eyed owl smiled at me. All the power I'd amassed was for the hope to make myself a black reaper to Arima's white, to bear to see the horror and be strong enough to know it was right but how had I thought it right

…I couldn't have been in my right mind, but I clutched it in a wave of agony and wondered had I ever been??

WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME?

My screaming mind revolted against that holding form, suddenly unsure. I ran at them, kagune unfurling behind me like a flower of bright crimson. I swung it at the soldier, wrenching the weapon out of his hand and away from the next handcuffed victim, knife just missing flesh.

A beat, and I looked up.

I was under the harsh search light of a helicopter, like a spotlight on a stage, and there I was with a tentacle holding one of my fellow soldiers in the air.

Oh…

Dear.

"Yoriko!!" A girl screamed, and the silence was broken, and while the entire world's eyes had been on me, suddenly there were ghouls on all sides, rising up in shadows.

And there was a group of them in robes opposite to Aogiri's. There was the ghoul who had called me Kaneki in a rain slick alley where I lost my mind, a tall grey haired man stoic with knowledge far beyond his years, a woman my age with dark violet hair- all of the employees of the cafe I'd loved in the 20th ward.

They were ghouls.

They looked to me for a second before running forward, using the distraction I'd unwittingly made to pry a few of the hostages free from the CCG's hands, stumbling away as more soldiers came up faster than expected to reach them.

And for a second, the leader with the violet hair over one eye gave me a nod, and I could no longer push away familiarity, a blind trust.

I'd… helped them. I'd aided ghouls. And I…

Shadows heavy under my eyes, I looked up at the chaos around me, ghouls on the attack to try to reach the hostages, and- now I was a target.

White coats were no longer friendly.

You'd think it would be understandable, that you'd be able to rationally adapt to it but- this had never happened- I'd never fought a human, for real-? There were briefcases just like my own and there were angry faces, suddenly opening and pulling out quinques- on me.

And there was a primal force of panic that spiked in me, lashing out.

_ Enemy _ .

Sharp things were pointed at me, many sharp things and I spun on my feet, slicing them apart with a red lash, blood splattering the ground- more- more-

And shouting, cries of pain, of panic and anger and traitor and-

Ghoul, the assistant special class is-

"Squad four- New orders, eliminate rate SS ghoul Haise Sasaki!"

...ah.

And I lurched backward, holding my arm to my chest, my mind churning. But the officers now training quinques on me gleaming so bright in white were all special class, eyes hard, gazing at me like I was a beast.

I'd been trained by black and white, right and wrong. But now everything ran up hard against it, but like muscle memory after so long covering it in black I moved, to point my kagune at them and-

"Die."

One of the most respected special class women in the CCG raised a scythe, and the bottom of my own white coat flapped in the air- 

But my eye was black and red, and

Halfway through turning I was torn with a dozen quinque steel bullets before her scythe could stain the white red.

There was a scream and there was the collapse of a building, the ground shaking beneath me and I didn't know why, my body torn apart-

The torment of sound cut short. The biting wind gone, shouts and orders and sirens muffled, the snow no longer falling on my face.

Pain, and the sensation of something hot dripping on my face. Hot, sweet, a chasm in my body aching for it...

I opened my eyes as my heart flared in fear and-

The one eyed owl, grimacing with a wall of rubble held at her back, shadowed from the sky in the collapsed wall of the mansion.

And her kagune were crushed by the rocks, dripping blood steadily onto my face.

"H- ho- how- why-" I was hyperventilating but I couldn't get enough breath to think, oh dear-

"You want to save your family, right?" She asked, her voice thick with blood. "You want the answers to a world you've been kept from understanding?"

Terribly.

I needed to get up, but like this, I was effectively human, I was effectively dead, I took the RC drugs to keep myself that way but.

They were doing me more harm than anything else.

"You're already a monster, nameless one. It's better to be a monster who can see, even if with only a single eye."

"What… what am I… supposed to…"

She stared at me as if I was perhaps three years old, almost amused as I drowned in red. "Eat the apple. Leave the garden. Your god is lying to you."

"Oh…"

"I can grow more," she said, and ripped herself away from the broken limb, almost naturally. "That's all it is, really. You'll heal. Just enough."

I stared down at it, struck with light headed hunger, unable to feel anything but scared.

Ghoul flesh, of the strongest one I knew, rife with all the cells I tried so hard to keep from my body.

Though I clutched my bleeding abdomen, the part of my body that hurt the most was my head, screaming towards the bloodied meat, a hole in my stomach and spear through my skull, straight through my brain that never seemed to have healed.

"Hurry up, boy, we haven't got all day," she said, straining to hold the wall of concrete back, her blood drip, drip, dripping to the ground, psychedelic in my addled mind. "It's time you knew the truth, don't you think?"

I inhaled, and the heady metallic scent of it filled me, struck with the worst feeling of unknowing.

Who was I, could I resist this, should I try to?

I reached out and grasped the severed thing, hands shaking, scrabbling in the dirt. In the dark, blood was barely more than a dark brown. And my kakugan seeing red, cracks of black almost like tears bleeding out my eyes.

With them I mourned the unknown, and I pleaded for the strength to be good.

I bit down, and there was blood, I swallowed and it was warm and the pain in my head twisted before fading, a long held fog clearing around me. Kneeling in front of what I couldn't stop from returning to me, there was something important coming into focus. I was at its mercy and it curled around me, comforting my fear...

...

I let out a tiny, blood choked breath, my eyes wide.

Oh. There I was. 

As if in reverse, my earliest memories closed around me, showing the remnants of my unknown in a cell in cochlea, starting to come into context as I fell backwards-

And exploded into shattering pain, a pale hand in the air and the night sky over the 20th ward awash in red.

His quinque

Arima's

Speared through my eye and out the back of my skull

There it was, the truth, as blood exploded from the place where a red eye had been like a film strip in black and white and red.

_ Ken… _

Something in the distant past, the warmth of a hand, pretty white flowers and a tired, tired smile…

A grave, and tears and

Books in a darkened library, my form so small that the ceiling was the sky. Books, and bruises, and stories where the main character died.

Plain and quiet black hair and white skin, dim, hiding in the silence. But still inexplicably an optimism, a smile and as I began to stand taller finally the beginnings of hope-

Red, blossoming in an alley with misplaced trust in the world, the doom of a prone body, gloved hands in a hospital room and

Trust, a cardinal sin.

What came next was a blur of nausea, of panic and an eyepatch and broken kitchen knives. Shattered mirror around an eye glowing red and piercing, shattering hunger, a whole invisible world opening before me until I was smaller than an ant, so easily crushed.

Faces then came to my mind, as hands helped me up, in the black and white memory of a coffee shop.

A stubborn girl with hair falling over her eyes.

A smiling old man looking fondly upon the scene.

A standoffish ginger boy with a sour look on his face.

A stoic fighter who was far gentler than he looked.

A skinny, tall girl and a short, stout man, the latter bragging to the former.

A small child holding a book in one hand and her mother's in the other.

And blood in the rain, in the middle of the day a girl's screams of anguish as I covered her eyes

The boy with glasses lying on the floor utterly ruined, still grasping the ankle of a certain purple haired man

The tall man in his long coat staring in forgiveness as my kagune speared a hole in his stomach

The girl always confident on her knees staring blankly at the ring finger of a man she'd killed

The charismatic man and practical woman staining the snow red as it began to fall over their bodies

The smile of the old man sharing a cup of coffee with someone that would take his life later that evening

And I fell further and further, bloody tears flowing up from my eyes, reciting the words that I knew so well-

_ It's better to be hurt than to hurt others _

A forest dark with shadows, disguises and red cloaks, and crows circling overhead amidst dark clouds as a threat appeared, inescapable.

Wide eyes that gave an apologetic smile, still so innocent of the world.

I'd give myself up, to save the others. Because I'd suffered pain, I could bear abuse, I'd go with him kindly and they'd spare the rest- perhaps I could learn to understand- and I'd forgive him, whatever he did.

How bad could it be?

_ How bad could it be? _

The doom of my prone body in a checkered room, and the worst thing as he was such a gentleman about it, since I'd gone nice, I hadn't resisted… so he ushered me to the room and asked if the bindings were too tight before he  _ tore me to shreds _

And there I was with my eyes forced open, I'd been wrong, my hair matted and greying and white

How could it be wrong to reciprocate everything he'd done to me-?

If I was good, I couldn't win, I couldn't have both

Lord, I just wanted to be happy-

I was trudging uphill, as the road got steeper and steeper and I became more and more stained, warping and becoming stronger but all the more scared, heart bleeding out in anguish as no matter what I did I wasn't strong enough, I couldn't reach high enough not to lose them

And I was lost, in black, and white, and red…

But wait-

How had I forgotten

In the darkest night, a warm light… and… color…

...a sunset from the top of the playground, a bright sunflower placed in my hair, the tears wiped from my eyes and the blue of early dawn in a shared bed at a sleepover, the blush of bright pink cheeks and… yellow…

And

In the darkened reality with blood staining my teeth tears fell, blooming mourning white again from the top of my head, because I finally remembered what I'd lost.

Sunny blonde hair black at the roots poking up in need of a haircut, chocolate eyes scrunched up in happiness, rosy cheeks and a bright, beaming, blinding smile.

Oh

God.

Hide.


	11. Checkpoint Reached: You've Unlocked Power 'Fatal Yearning'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Or in other words Haise's bad decisions (deragatory) become bad decisions (affectionate) and A Suspicious Lack of Hide
> 
> Now, Haise, or Kaneki, honestly it's all the same to him at this point, has all his memories back and with it comes... a lot. A *lot* a lot. It's hard to accept what he's done, and he finds himself wondering what he should even be fighting for. How could he possibly do something right when everything he's done has ended in someone else in pain because of him? People really like dying for him, it seems, and he's kind of sick of it. But what can he do to fix anything? And, uh, how much can I make my readers hate me????

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh gee this was a fun one to write. I have to admit most of my chapters are *detailed description of haise's mental state fucking off into the distance* and this is no different but it's uh, a bit more terminal this time
> 
> ALSO FINALLY HERE'S ANTEIKU AND QUINX SQUAD AGAIN FUCKING HELL

//Haise or Kaneki, whichever you please//

I opened my eyes, and bloody tears fell humbly onto the snow, mouth open in the quietest exclamation.

I had not disappeared.

I held to my heart what I'd dreaded but still, I stood here. Still here, but perhaps just now more than ever, the depth of my despair far greater, rooted deeply to the ground. And I supposed that shouldn't have been as surprising as it was, seeing Arima for everything I'd refused to believe.

But I was here, and for that, I wept.

My body and my mind, here in the snow, with blood again, and I'd dared to smile for a thousand days when I couldn't remember where its shape came from. I'd forgotten the sun, and I'd forgotten the hole in my chest where he bled out.

Hide had been there, and now he no longer was.

And my hair was blooming with the beginnings of white anew, because at this point… of course it was.

My legs protested even the slightest movement, but my headache was gone, for the first time since I woke up in cochlea. It was easier to think. Had I been operating under the influence this whole time? Most likely the answer was yes, and now that it was gone everything hurt so ungodly much, trying to heal after so long held back.

I wanted it back. Wasn't it easier that way? To stay in the box I'd made myself?

But I knew I couldn't have it.

Being disillusioned of a world I'd worked so hard to build around me was bound to hurt. But I did not have time to linger in the dark and come to terms with the knowledge inside of me, because the world was on fire.

All around me, even as I regained something long since stolen-

The war still raged on, and it was the entire reason I'd chosen to once again take up the mantle, of a ghoul I'd sworn never to summon again.

So I stood up, violently aware of how broken my body had been and still was. What little of Eto I'd been given could only heal my mind, simple RC cells knit the most important thing back together. It was something that it dawned on me could have been fixed years ago, so easily, when they'd all told me it was a permanent injury. 

Still though I bled from my side, badly, none of my hunger satisfied.

Ghouls were meant to eat humans.

"Welcome back, Ken Kaneki," Eto said from above me, and I found that the name didn't hurt me anymore. I saw it in a different context now, I assumed, though the recent one was still there. Familiar nostalgia came to mind, that primal fear it had evoked soothed. 

I'd been scared to turn on the lights, but even though the shadows were corpses and not stuffed animals, somehow it was still better than whatever my imagination could torture me with.

I breathed out as steadily as I could, somehow relieved. I was whole again, though in the worst way, though I bled through what was left of a white coat.

I raised my head to meet Eto Yoshimura's eyes, and there was something of her father in her face, though it was just another thing pulling me to my shaking feet, heavy with purpose.

Didn't I promise him I'd save her, a thousand years ago? 

I looked at her and I didn't know what to say, I didn't know if I should call her evil or a victim or if I should even try. But she seemed to know, silently aware of the tears on my face.

"I'd just like to clarify something, reaper- I am not the one eyed king."

...Oh. 

And she peeled herself off the wall she held back, disappearing as the rubble collapsed once again and left me reopened to the cold, the battle, the CCG hostile to me once again.

"We've broken through! The owl is heading for the east wing, S4, handle the SS… >SS."

Ah. Right. That was me. No matter how I knew it, it hurt.

But the light fell on me again, and now I appeared the inverse of myself, my hair black growing in white, CCG jacket torn and bloodied, kagune blooming such a bright glowing crimson.

Even with a hole in my chest, the advantages of a ghoul came to me easier, much easier and with less pain, my head suddenly free to consult my conscience instead of simply following orders or falling apart.

And as I crawled up from the rubble leaning heavily on my kagune, there was a moral dilemma, laying eyes on the world where the humans with coats the color of doves once again pointed their weapons at me.

Humans, or ghouls?

Long ago, I worried about the difference- if I had my memories back I'd return to my own kind simply for their race, I didn't trust myself. And then I hoped that maybe I'd stay with the humans anyway, because I could learn, I could become better, right- but I hadn't realized it was never as easy as black and white.

Grey.

I was still Haise, the same as I was still Kaneki, ever on the line, ever worried of falling off, ever stuck in the thick of the battle. I'd already begun to see there was no clear answer, but my memories only strengthened that claim.

I'd been the victim of horrors and I'd committed atrocities, and I could not forgive myself, as I could not forgive them. But I was no more and no less evil than everyone who had hurt me.

There was no one, no one left in the world who was right.

Hide would have wanted me to cling to my original sentiment, from a thousand years ago in that alley telling Amon that the humans and the ghouls shouldn't fight. 

...But Hide wasn't here, and without him, things were never going to be that wonderfully bright.

The CCG sent a squad to kill me, and with exhausted pain I splattered their blood on the snow, my tears cold on a tired face.

And kneeling on the ground, my breath came out hard, and with my hand pressed to my abdomen I knelt. I knew to refuse was to never stand again, to hold back would do me no good when I'd already stopped the heart beneath the dove's coat.

...Dove. I was in the CCG. I was, as we spoke, in a white coat. Really.

With no breath in my lungs, I laughed.

Blood coated my mouth once again, and for the first time in years, I wasn't in pain.

The whole truth, the heavy truth was in the heady relief that coursed through me at the corpse's flesh, the salty tears running down my face and the thick blood leaking through the gaps in my fingers. No matter how I had been born, I could not survive pretending to be human.

I needed this to live, end of story.

The tragedy was not in that, though, which was the one thing I'd failed to understand.

It was in the war that forced the carnage upon us, the war that I once thought I was powerful enough to stop.

All I could do now with a thousand times what I had been was to pray that it would be enough to save the ones closest to me, hurt the ones who wanted to hurt them in turn. It was too hard not to be a hypocrite, I simply wasn't strong enough to be righteous.

Hide would be so disappointed in me…

I couldn't help but stray to him again, as I stood, I lived, monstrously, I lived, it was too easy to think of him now.

I had no trouble understanding what  _ I  _ had done, though I knew circumstances carved the picture of my sins, but I began to cry, for someone long gone-

What had he ever done to deserve this?

Nothing, he was perhaps the only one in the world not tainted and I had stained him red with my greedy hands. But it wouldn't make a difference to me by now if he was just as bad as me.

I couldn't give back what I had taken from him, though, so I pulled myself away from it, knowing it only sapped my strength.

Better to save the living before they joined the ones to be mourned.

And I ran, I was strong, through a blur of battle, across the charred marble floor and through fallen weapons. What was I to do next, well the only thing I could. Fight for them. Protect them. I'd been delusional with my hair black, leaving them for Arima's orders.

I had a feeling from the beginning this battle was much bigger than it seemed, and everywhere I looked, it became true. Invisible hands, invisible strings were choking the air, and how had I been so blind not to see them before.

My glasses were cracked.

A hundred different uniforms and motifs and fronts, a thousand islands of combat.

And rappelling off walls I set my jaw and eluded them, refusing to fall again before I could save them from doing the same.

In the depths of the mansion, a large hall and where I'd originally been informed Noro was. It was where the quinx were stationed and where I'd told Mutsuki to go, though they were supposed to have some of the special class squads as backup.

I lost no time, as I saw the room, and I saw a heart torn to shreds, a luxurious, empty room save for four kids on their last legs and an unkillable beast.

No backup. Four kids, and a SS+. They were lambs to the slaughter.

...well, I was here now.

I felt anger, at an administration that had deemed this a fair fight, but I held steady and reached, determined not to lose another-

"SHIRAZU-" Urie was screaming in a voice tearing itself apart from the inside. And in chaos, he was hurt, Urie was hurt bad, the look of desperation running barbs down his throat so uncharacteristic.

The other two lay wiped out on the ground. Mutsuki was scrambling to his feet, and Saiko was barely conscious.

But in the air nearly glowing, there was the loud, sharp Shirazu, leaping right into the gaping mouth of the ghoul's kagune, ready to blow it open wide.

I was so tired, but I was here, I was here and I'd risen again so I would be able to kill for them again. I hoped, I did, but I didn't believe they'd never have to do the same for each other.

I pulled myself into the air and twirled backwards, letting out all my energy in kagune thrust forward like bullets into Noro. Blocking the path of his teeth the size of a whole human, a shield to Shirazu.

They were like spears, piercing the extra limbs and twisting my face in pain but it was enough and I ripped it away, my momentum reaching out and enveloping Shirazu in the air before falling and rolling on the ground.

"No human grenade time today," I said with pain, pulling myself up and squinting as the already launched spears of Ginshi's ukaku landed in the place he would have fallen.

The ghoul looked up at just the last second, god knows what held behind that mask, but in a warped voice the words came out. "Ken… Kaneki?"

As I summoned my strength to shield them again, I just nodded. I hoped he didn't have family, but I knew it wasn't the truth.

The blast was deafening, the hard side of my kagune impaled a thousand places with shrapnel, singed and blackened and wavering to the ground. But as the ringing in my ears faded, there was silence, and short, racking sobs. Weak, wet, raw.

"Thank god… oh thank god- Shirazu, Shirazu you're-"

Kneeling on the ground in another puddle of blood, I had no thought as to the volume of my strength, just that it was something to be thankful for, staring with far too much emotion and no words at the two boys.

Urie looked up, blood trailing from a nasty cut on his forehead and scarily from his mouth, and he saw me after a second too long looking. He tensed in an odd mixture of emotion, holding a bleeding, smiling, shark toothed boy.

"You didn't see that," he said.

"Alright, I didn't," I looked up, too tired for much of an expression. And their eyes were all on me.

Me, standing with twenty feet of tentacle hovering from my lower back like wings, eyes mismatched and hair inverted, someone else's blood staining my lips bright crimson.

A ghoul, who they'd witnessed call me another name, and I'd accepted it.

There was a palpable hesitation in all of their eyes, as if they looked at a stranger, not sure if they could trust me. But I looked up, putting on the best smile I could.

"Don't worry, I'm still Haise," I said, tired, loving. "I just come with extra lore now."

What was in a name, I found myself asking-

Haise Sasaki and Ken Kaneki, they felt different, but both felt mine, if I accepted the pain that came with each.

If the people of Anteiku who saw me here called me anything but Kaneki, it would feel like a lie.

But it would feel wrong for the squad to call me that, or Juuzou or Akira, when they'd grown to know me and trust me and care for me as Haise. So why pick one when a loose collection of memories made up my being?

Even if I'd received it as something dehumanizing even from a number… I'd  _ chosen  _ to be nameless. I'd stay that way.

I was a walking contradiction in terms, and I knew it, and I accepted it. They all stared at me, and the name in their mouths was endearing, familiar. I knew no matter the sounds that came out, it was me.

And when they heard my words, they all deflated, frozen anticipation to the entity behind my face diffused.

After a long silence, Yonebayashi smiled, sarcastic. "I see you changed up your hair again, maman."

And that was so stupidly funny we all laughed in the greatest of pain, consumed with nervous sobs of hilarity.

"I didn't choose to, I swear."

"...Thank god. Sensei, you've saved us all," Mutsuki breathed out, looking from the other two boys to me and back again, bruised and battered. "...How…?"

But then he seemed to see the blood on my face, to realize it wasn't mine.

A flash, to that scene on the balcony, his weighty speech taking responsibility for his own wrongs and mine at once. I felt sorry I hadn't been able to stay murder-free for even half a fucking hour after he'd said it… but I still appreciated the gesture, the call back to reality. If he hadn't, I probably never would have come to save them. I'd have lost myself, and though it hurt to have to bear its weight, it was better to have them alive.

"...oh. Well. I suppose that checks."

"I'm sorry," I said, only to them. "I was late."

Saiko breathed out in a laugh and smiled awkwardly up at me. "I thought you were gonna kill us or something, maman, not gonna lie-"

Ouch.

I smiled and knelt down, so much pressure between my eyes, and I looked at Shirazu, hovering, as it appeared like I needed to ask Urie's permission. But Urie looked up, relieved, gladly releasing him. He smiled like if I was there, everything was safe, and it was at once the best and worst feeling.

"Help girlboss mom cockblocked me from fucking death in the ass," he said to Urie, which I couldn't anything but laugh at.

Shirazu was not dying, which was more than I could have said had I let him be a human grenade. The worst he got was a slash to his side and his hands shaking like crazy, a thousand bruises that would all heal in time.

Urie was hurt worse, though he didn't seem to realize it. But he'd be ok too.

I stood up, distant in my head, and I worried over what to do with weighed memory. But before I could, the S4 squad followed me through the hall. Shouting accusatory, they brandished weapons and shot without a single question.

Oh yeah… I couldn't choose both, could I?

Well, fuck.

The betrayal, the confusion and frustration that my squad had the look of was familiar. They were kids, they thought there was a right and wrong. They looked the same as I had, the first time I'd ever been confronted by a dove.

The quinx looked distressed, limping up and holding out weapons, behind me-

"Second class Mutsuki and Yonebayashi, stand down, we only want to apprehend the traitor-"

"Hh… Sasaki's no traitor-!" Urie exclaimed, standing and helping Shirazu up, struck with a sudden dilemma.

"You're not looking at assistant special class Haise Sasaki, boy. That's Ken Kaneki, rate triple S ghoul, and he just helped the one who killed your father escape. He just killed half of our fucking squad!!"

I looked at all of them, standing my ground.

I wouldn't blame them if they didn't want to defend me.

But in the most heartbreaking unity, they all looked at one another, at me, at the officers- and they hardened, standing in defense of me, all at my side, all matching, single eyes glowing red in solidarity with mine.

There was a moment of silence where all I could do was stand there stupefied, and then chaos.

I lashed out the limbs on my back and with that control I'd so painstakingly learned I shaped them, a hand, a shield, the petals of a flower yet to bloom.

Explosions and my hands landing hard on pavement, letting them down to the ground again where I knew we'd be safe, at least for now.

Dazed, they got up, and it took me a second to realize it maybe was kind of weird that I had just fucking wrangled them with my Ghoul Tentacles, but well, they weren't dead. Fast, I stood, pulling the mutated cells back inside of me.

"Please. Be safe." 

I looked out, knowing I'd saved them for the final time, anxious to leave before I couldn't.

"Maman-"

My shoulders were hunched, looking down, away.

They stared at my back, and they stared at my hair, and my eyes grew wet.

"I'm sorry."

"...you… got your memories back, right?" Urie asked, surprisingly tactful. 

"...Yes."

"So… what's going- what… what happened, why were they trying to hurt you-"

"I…" There were words, there were a million words, but they were all stuck behind a void a thousand miles long.

_ The horrified stare on the face of the one who told my kids I was a traitor, ten minutes before when I ate his squadmate. _

"Huh- what-" Saiko reached forward, determined. "I don't know what's going on but I'm sure we can fix it, we can get them to accept you, we know you're not bad, you're still the same maman-"

_ Maman _ .

I didn't look back. "I'm sorry. I don't know if I can be that for you any longer."

All good things come to an end.

"Kids, I can't… please, just get to safety. I'll handle this on my own," I turned, into the wind in the half destroyed wall, infinite darkness beyond it, having no clue where I was headed.

Our battles were different now, they were, in the end, humans… part of the CCG, all against ghouls.

I would never be on that side. Even if they loved me, even if I loved them I would have to let them-

A hand stopped me, from leaving into the unknown darkness.

"Hold on, sensei." Mutsuki stood, face hard.

"You're not getting rid of us that easily," Shirazu smiled, in dim snowy light, half illuminated by the interior's chandelier. "We might need to figure a few things out, but no matter what, we know we're on your side. I saw the shit they were pulling down at the entrance?? Bro, I can't abide by that- I can't- really blame you for trying to stop it-" Shirazu said, eyes wide, still coughing from the blow to his abdomen. "I think things might be due for a bit of a reevaluation?"

"Yeah," Urie nodded. "Let's go over our strategy. You do kind of look like you, uh, know shit now. Got any answers for us?"

They were all in no shape to fight, barely in shape to walk for that matter. But they smiled at me, holding me still so I couldn't stray. And there was a depth in my eyes, grey and red, that I couldn't explain, that I couldn't understand.

"You've done your part for us, maman," Yonebayashi smiled, weary, white uniform smudged and stained, looking at me just the same as always before. "Now it's  _ your  _ turn for therapy."

I stared, caught between a battle and a collapsed wall keeping out the cold, ridiculously self aware.

"Please… don't make me do this…"

"Uh, payback, bitch," Urie smiled. "And well… we trust you. We need to know what you've learned, even if it might contradict… like, everything else. You saved us anyway, I don't think you're some witless monster. If we're all traitors now… there's no point in not sticking together."

"I'm so proud of you, cookie," Shirazu said, "You've embraced the found family trope at long last."

Urie rolled his eyes, but didn't say anything against it, still too shaken from the ordeal to say anything remotely mean to him.

And I held myself back for the longest time, but they all stared at me, expectantly, and with little prompting, I broke open.

"I know you've forgiven a lot, but… please don't. Don't follow me. I'm not exaggerating in any way to say I'm truly dreadful. I'm not who you came to care for." I smiled, apologetic. "Please don't try to forgive me, kids. I'm sorry for making you think I was someone stable and kind and to be trusted."

"...no offense, king, but we never thought you were stable," Shirazu said.

"Yeah, uh… I think that was established when you woke us all up at three am screaming someone's name you then promptly forgot," Urie supplied. "Uh, Hide, wasn't it?"

I opened my mouth, and it all came back, what I'd denied, I-

I dreamed of him, I did, and I'd woken with tears in my eyes and let it fade away from my grasp again.

A strangled sound leaked from my mouth, and I couldn't hold it back.

They all blinked, and looked at each other.

"Wait, like, oh shit, but also do we??? Get the Hide lore drop now??" Yonebayashi leapt up. 

My mouth was slack, eyes darting, confused at the utter clash of worlds. "You guys… kn… ew?"

"Bro. We've been taking bets on this shit for like, a year now, I beg of you maman, tell us who the man is-"

"Yeah, as much as what we can pick up from your unconscious yearning. I have an itemized list of things I'm curious about actually," Mutsuki said, "But I'd rather like to stick to the important bits at this point."

"PLEASE I BEG OF YOU WE UNLOCKED THE BACKSTORY HAND OVER THE LORE IS HE A GHOUL IS HE YOUR EX I NEED TO KNOW-" 

"...was."

The sound inverted, an inhalation of breath, the gravity of what I held now.

"...oh," they said, and guilt drenched me for even making them aware of my pain.

"He was my best friend," I cried, and the words were too much, I cracked. Words I'd locked out, screamed against, clamped my hands over my ears and shut my eyes tight against for so, so long- admitted at last. "He was my entire world."

_ And I _

"Oh… Sassan that's terrible, what ha-"

"I did something awful. Truly awful." I looked down, sitting on my legs feeling so dreadfully empty. "So I didn't remember it."

And it wouldn't stop playing itself in my mind now, now that it was unlocked, it was all I could think. The terrible relief, his aching last words to me and the noise of his pain, the worse absence of his voice, when it was over.

"But I've… I can't run from it forever. And I got it back now, my memory, to learn how much I've ignored. I've run from a lot of things I've done. I'm not proud of it."

"I think we all have, sensei, not gonna lie," Mutsuki said softly. "There's no point in pretending anymore, if it makes you feel any better-" He shrugged- "I killed my parents, Sasaki. And you still forgive me, don't you?"

I smiled, but it was weak.

"I sincerely apologize for how I've acted the last few weeks, I was in some… major denial." I looked away. "Arima…"

Before I could say a single word, Shirazu started yelling. "GOD I hate that man yes thank you for finally realizing?? Hi am I officially allowed to bash his head in now?? I didn't wanna say anything because you were like,,, really deep there, but THE MAN'S NOT A ROLE MODEL."

"...He killed me," I said, smiling, voice high, like I just realized it as I said, looking up at the stars.

He killed me, or at least he killed Kaneki, and he resurrected me just to call himself a savior. He took all my awareness of it away so I could be his, he made me think that was right. That was a family, that was my father. Denial and fake perfection and anything for his approval, me as his property.

"I don't know what's going on anymore, and I don't have any answers but that everything is broken. But even if the CCG as a whole doesn't identify with this… I can't fight for them anymore."

I braced myself.

"I'm not a human. I can't pretend to be. I can't pretend to be all ghoul either, or that ghouls are any less corrupt. But I remember why I recognized the faces of so many of the people on the other side."

They stared at me, and it seemed to be just now dawning on me that I'd have history, that I'd have people in my life they didn't know. To be fair, I hadn't either, until so recently.

The only thing I had to say, I had left, was that everyone was all the same evil, I didn't even know what to fight for.

"I don't want to hurt anyone else," I said, and it hurt so much, because I had no idea what to do to fix anything at all. "Mutsuki, thank you… I've regained my senses now, I suppose, but everything just… hurts now. I don't know what to do. I'm. Just not a good person. No matter what, it's all the same."

Urie cocked his head. "So what you're saying is you just think everything sucks and there's nothing worth fighting for? Yeah. I mean. I get that. But you want to do something."

I smiled, kind of. "Yeah, pretty much."

"Well, listen, we're still with you," he shrugged. "Honestly, I do not give a fricking frack what you did. And we won't condemn you for not staying with the CCG. We're going to have to work something out, shit's kind of going down out there and if they want you and now us dead, there's not much reason to stick with them, or at least the ones that are doing that."

"But there are still people you care about, right?" Shirazu said, "Even if they're ghouls… you liked them, if they're here, and you want to help them? We'd be ok with that, honestly. All I think I want to do right now is get the fuck out of here. I don't actually wanna get murdered by some cops. But damn, I also don't want those kids out there to get fucking murdered by some cops either."

"I know it sucks," Mutsuki said, "But well… it doesn't matter what you did before? Even if you're convinced all you've done is be a shitty person forever, you can always start being good today."

I blinked, and they were right before me.

I did have a use. I did have a purpose, there was something I could protect, even-

Saiko looked up, and opened her mouth. "Like that girl that saved you-"

...Hinami.

The girl I'd taught to read, the girl who'd lost both her parents and cried over a bird, the girl who deserved none of the pain I failed to save her from.

"Yeah- Her and… many others. Do you remember that coffeeshop that we went to in the 20th ward…?"

"Oh wow. Oh boy. I flirted with a ghoul, didn't I. I flirted with a ghoul in a ghoul coffee shop surrounded by ghouls," Saiko realized, face red.

I smiled with dark humor. "I know the feeling." But my lips turned down again. 

What should I do, who could I fight for, what would make it alright-

An explosion, the sound of fighting drawing nearer, and I began to see it. 

"Hey. Fucker."

I turned out, on edge and in pain, and beyond my four children-

It was Touka.

Touka and Yomo and what was left of Anteiku, battered and bruised and looking up at me with such trust, halting their flight.

She was waving, and smiling, and my eyes were wide, making a decision.

The people I loved, my eyes darted behind them, fire and blades and bullets. And wow, it felt good to remember I was needed. I was needed, and maybe I could start to be good.

It seemed like everything I did made everything worse, that all I did was take and take and hurt the people I loved, let them take the bullets, fall in behind someone and watch them kill themselves for me. And how was that to live, when everything felt like an inevitable tragedy, when nothing was right because living, for someone like me- living was only to step on others, to let others fall before you?

I loved these kids, and I loved the people I'd long since left behind, I didn't want to let them down again. I wanted to do something good. And I could, I could, I could keep them safe.

That was it, in a world where living was to commit evil. One good act.

"Thanks, Mutsuki, thanks- everyone, I-" I turned to the Anteiku ghouls, and they were looking at the kids, expectantly, trustingly, in ripped grey cloaks.

"H-" 

I knew what they wanted, I knew what they needed.

"Will you take them out the front and help them escape?" I asked, pulling myself up,

"The front?" Touka asked, unnerved. "Well, we're trying to find some other way-"

"There isn't. It's surrounded," I cut her off. 

"But how the front, there's-"

There was a chasm of silent understanding, as I came to understand what I had to do.

Saiko held my arm and looked up at me, half hidden behind me. "Maman, what are you going to do?"

I shrugged, but the pain was building within me, the truth of the situation laying itself out before me in a disorientingly clear path.

I held out my hands in front of my eyes, my hands that if I looked at them too long would not hold still, a constant tremor shivering through them.

And I was Lady Macbeth, rife with guilt, rife with blame, filled with delusion and the wreckage of my daring ambition to be happy.

"I'm tired of running from all my problems, what I've done, I don't want to deny it any longer." And I looked up, into somewhere that seemed like the sun in the night sky, the shining ideal I realized encapsulated the vulnerable, confessional desires of the small white child, a facet of me.

The beautiful cafe of Anteiku, the living room of the chateau, the emotion that rose in me every time I saw it on the face of someone I cared for.

A shining, bright smile.

I finally understood the voice in my head that spoke like the worst of me, the words I would have said straight from Jason's playroom, all my scars fresh and bleeding.

_ You're going to lose it. _

And the crushing guilt of the man I'd been these last two years, knowing without knowing

_ You're going to break it. _

I didn't want to, I didn't want to have to.

I was so tired of it, though I didn't really believe simple determination would do anything but make me fall harder. I needed to do  _ something _ . One action I could look on and feel righteous for.

I needed to take responsibility. Atone, the world spoke in my bones, atone, atone, atone.

"I'm going to fight," I said. "I'm going back in there and I'll use the power I stole from others. It's probably not going to fix things. But you're all hurt, you're all marked traitor because of me. There are ghouls in there I remember now, I got brainwashed into fighting before. There are kids. Children. You're right, maybe it'll do something."

I smiled, a smile like the ones I always gave those kids so precious to me, but there was more weight in it, than the world.

It was an exchange, I supposed. Of that smile.

It was private, I hoped they couldn't see it written on my face so bold what my heart ached towards.

Yeah, this was about the best thing I could do right now.

With that terrible ache creeping up in my throat I turned and hugged them all tight, in my arms and in my kagune, reaching around all of them and clamping down on the pain before it could turn into a sob.

I turned to them and looked sweetly, from them to the kids, the question of how they'd escape when before them stood the barrier no one could break through. "I'll take care of him. Trust me." I looked up into Nishiki's face, well meaning. "They gave me another S, did you hear?" I laughed. "I'm glad to know it'll be of use for something."

"Kaneki…" He said, holding up the hood, face twisting into concern.

Touka looked to Yomo, and he thought for a long time before nodding, aware of the timing, the knowledge that at any moment someone could come to kill them.

"Alright. Uh, y'all," Touka addressed the kids as I kind of gestured for them to follow Anteiku, and conflicted, the quinx crossed the space between me and them, trusting and scared and hurt. "We'll protect them," she said to me.

And Touka smiled, and I hadn't seen her in years, not really, but our expressions made up for the whole time.

"See you later, Kaneki," she said, and…

"You too," I smiled back.

Liar.

I accepted it with that smile, nearly laughing with happiness, liar, liar, liar, the only time I've ever lived the truth.

I picked up my quinque, as they walked the opposite way, I straightened my back, and I began walking, leaving a trail of blood behind me.

The words of the old man came back to me, words that I had never more in my life felt a connection with, as he opened the door of Anteiku politely. Showing his whole being as he knew it would condemn him, unrepentant and filled with remorse.

_ I am aware that I am evil,  _ he said, doomed, knowing all he'd worked for would burn, knowing that the same would happen to the humans he fought.

Who was I, to choose who lived and died?

Who was I, to save the ones who meant something to one and not another, the beloved to myself and not someone else? To keep living like that?

So deeply, from the innocent smile of my black haired self so long ago, to the soft smile I gave to forgive a murderer, to the apologetic, desperate smile of the one hiding in between white and black.

I wished to be kind.

I wished for kindness to exist in this world, I wished that there was a way to fix everything, to make the world bright, to do something meaningful to someone even if in the long run nothing changed.

It sounded like a song, in my head, the raw, naked truth as I strolled calmly through the battlefield where the whole world staked their desperate pleas, holding a briefcase with a weapon made of death, stained forever with the tears of others.

It was Hide, it was always Hide.

He was the kindest thing in the world, and I had done him so much wrong. He gave so much, he sacrificed everything to give me the meaning of three words.

He told me he loved me. And I envied him.

To go out like that…

A sweet smile and a martyr brighter than the sun, dying for love, dying for something truly good.

I was so tired of being the one to survive. 

To accept someone else's sacrifice, to go on, to be strong and watch as my selfish needs destroyed everyone I cared about. 

Over and over, at Anteiku and Aogiri and when I was just a child, people dying for me.

Taking and taking and taking, it was so hard to know you were loved.

Better to know you were needed, your own being was needed, entirely, for someone else.

I wanted to be kind like him.

I pleaded to the world, for once, though I was the most evil being to exist, so powerful with what I had taken, to be allowed to give.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi uh i hope you hate me because it's about to get worse


	12. Bonus Points If You Guess My Favorite Chapter of :Re

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alright, great, so he's decided to pull the "sacrifice myself" card. Great. Unsurprisingly, Kaneki fights Arima, and for sure, someone's dying today. Kaneki's pretty sure it's gonna be him, and to be honest he wants that, cause he's fucking emo. But unfortunately for Kaneki, uh, someone else has something a bit different in mind. (aka the one chapter I wrote 55K words just so i could have context for)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hide<333333

//Haise/Kaneki//

So. There was the road, straight ahead of me, a lovely gesture to everyone I cared for, I would buy them some time to escape from Arima.

I would fight the white reaper, and he would kill me.

Again.

I was so small, I was one of a thousand bodies that would be burned after this battle ended. I was a made ghoul, I was twenty two with no experience in the world and not half what was needed to fix what he'd broken, enough only to break all the rest. 

I was so large, walking through a field of flowers in a long coat no longer white and a broken spear in my hand, holding immeasurable power at my fingertips and immeasurable sorrow behind cracked glasses. Heavy, the morals and the heartbreaks and the final resolutions of a dozen versions of me that had died at my back. A tired child, a luckless fool, a battered pacifist, a bloodied revenge fantasy. A desperate, deranged thing, a lost and lonely remnant, an apologetic mother, the blackness that came of trying to deny the truth of the rest.

There was no one else who could do it, and yet I was to be nothing but a distraction.

I could not dispel all illusions at once, when they had been my home for so long.

So despite the simple, most obvious truth, even if I could kill him as he killed me, I wouldn't be able to hate him. I wouldn't be able to do anything but blame myself for his crimes, even if every bit of his kindness was a front.

But I'd be a sacrifice to the world, in the way that only the best were ever permitted to be.

I wanted to be happy, but the only thing that could bring the smile back to my face was.

This.

The world got darker, quieter and colder and nearing the end, as I walked down that road every step, purposefully. And there he was.

In the field of flowers and the purpose with which he looked towards the front entrance, the children in handcuffs, the ghouls advancing. If he reached them, it was all over, for everyone, for anyone dressed in black.

Like a grim reaper in white, he was spattered in blood, stranger than anything.

Arima was alone, like he usually was, though the absence of his own squad and the snow, the air trembling with cold made it all the more noticeable.

I had not the anger left in my heart to fight him, but only resolve knowing I would.

I stood, in the field of blooming pain, and without announcing myself I simply willed him to know I was here, my intention, my knowledge.

I knew what he'd done. To me, to the world. I knew what the world did to the ones who opposed the king, and I knew it didn't matter.

Behind me, far behind me the people of Anteiku and the Quinx, they would be surviving- while I held him off here as long as I was able.

He turned, white face spattered with blood. Looking me up and down, my reversed hair, my hostile stance, my expression empty. Empty, and full; done, and ready to begin.

"Haise."

It was disappointed, and affectionate, still fond of me in his own way despite everything.

...I hoped I had the dignity to be quiet on the way out, this time.

I let my white coat fall to the ground, among the flowers. I wouldn't need it anymore.

I gripped the handle of my briefcase, and pressed the button, walking slowly forward and pulling my kagune from the small of my back. They were still warped, now I knew they had not always been so, what had been taken from Rize barbed from Jason, hardened from Arata, now adding the waiflike strands and mutated branches of Eto's.

A weapon, I might be, but if I got to choose whose body my thorns kept safe, maybe it was alright that hurting was their only function… if I saved more lives than I took, maybe it would be alright to eventually fall in the snow.

"I heard of your betrayal, Haise. You've given in to the other side, haven't you? Or… should I call you Kaneki."

I looked down, my eye bared blood red, the eye he'd pierced, the eye that he made me learn to control.

"No, I  _ am  _ nameless. You killed Kaneki Ken a long time ago."

He stared me down, glasses reflecting light instead of showing me his eyes. Disappointed, but not surprised, likely knowing the whole time I'd eventually see through the lie.

It was sad, I still felt guilt for not turning out the way he'd wanted me to.

"Move aside, child."

I made no such move, only raising my weapon.

He raised me to fight, to serve, to die for him.

So I would, on my own terms.

Fight against him, serve the world, die so he couldn't make me kill anyone else, die so they might live, to make my life worthwhile.

I wanted to be like Hide, to for once in my life be someone's saviour instead of being saved.

The sound of Arima pulling his own quinque from its sheath at his hip, metal on metal and a sharpening, glowing, skewer like sword.

"I don't want to hurt you, Haise. Just concede, and nothing's changed," he said, eyes lidded, expression masked, and I believed him.

I raised my weapon and made the first move, the kagune out my back and quinque in my hand working in sync. 

I'd trained with Arima for years, been on the wrong end of his spear a thousand times, but I was unsurprised when he immediately parried, so much stronger force behind it sending me sprawling backwards.

My breath came out hard as I stood again. I'd known from the beginning that I would endure terrible pain before I was allowed to die.

Shoes dragged backwards as I attempted to push him away in the gigantic empty space of marble pillars and flowers, white flowers, bloomed red at his feet.

But he was like a rock, his feet planted so solidly to the ground I launched at him and forced myself into his circle of attack but moved him not an inch.

There was barely a pause, and then I was exchanging blows with him, intimate with the knowledge we had of the other's fighting style, just like we had so many times before.

But the air around us was thick with the scent of blood instead of sweat, the ground padded only with dirt and crushed flowers, the punishment for slipping up now inexcusable.

I was determined, though I was tired with my body, my mind, the depth of my emotion. And I knew him well, I knew how he'd harmed me before, I knew how he'd made it through my defenses and how he'd leaned to a certain side before attacking and though he'd done it with all intention I was tempted to tell him he might have known if he polished a weapon until it was needle sharp, eventually it would draw blood. 

The job was not easy to do, even with kagune emerging and separating from my back, lunging forward as fast as sound to reach him. They rebounded on his weapon, always there in time.

They were bruises, on flesh that could heal, but he was a fighter of his own class, undefeated, unchecked, unruffled by my own desperate battle.

"You've improved somewhat," He said, harsh as ever. And I knew with all my power unleashed I was an enemy of the highest rate, a kakuja, with a kill count near a hundred of both the white and black. But what did that matter, to him, to the man who had killed gods.

I  _ was  _ strong enough to kill him, as terrible as that was, there was no reason to hold back on someone who'd murder everyone I loved.

Even if he was kind to me, to my face, if I was worthy of praise-

I could do this, if I killed myself trying.

"Yes," I said in simple acknowledgement, and attempted to twist away from him, losing balance at the speed but catching myself on a tentacle.

Three slashes through the flesh of my monstrosity, and I was nearly surprised the blood that gushed out was still the same red.

I could not ignore any part of my body anymore, but it would no longer matter, so the pain made me relieved. It was the kind of sharpness that I needed for this finale, the kind that could grow farther than I'd ever let it, because it could be cut off in the end.

"Haise, why do you fight me?" He asked, not so much as out of breath, though he was a blur holding me steadily off.

I gritted my teeth, eyes overshadowed by my hair. We were well matched, in some ways... It was a sad battle, like the one of Amon and I, but at the same time not at all similar.

It was simply the product of a war two sided, a war I'd given into when I once promised to make it stop, like a naive protagonist of a children's book.

At that time, both of us had been devoid of blame. 

But Arima and I... we were both going to hell.

"It is because I am a ghoul, and you are a human," I said, though neither of us were.

What else was there for me to say?

I struck down with my quinque sword but again I failed to make a mark on him, when my body was riddled with incisions, when the sword already cracked from Eto fell apart. 

My kagune still held to me, dripping blood, still powerful.

"Why do you fight me when you know you cannot win?" He sidestepped me again and then appeared at my back, not a second to turn around before the quinque was thrust at me. Tentacles swept up and caught it but I lost my footing, twirling up and over him on those red limbs to avoid vulnerability.

Landing on my feet, my hands were on my weapon again.

I looked directly at him, managing to catch a glimpse of the pale eyes beyond his glasses frames, and-

I countered him, looking up. "Why do you?"

For a second, hesitation, and I swept in, reckless and righteous and sick with fire.

Kagune, rippling with muscle and latching onto his arm as he pulled around. Stretching and ripping, the horrible screech of torn metal and wire. And as my feet hit the ground again, a hard clatter.

I rose, and looked toward him. "I broke your quinque," I said, loudly, still alert, breathing hard and bleeding. "Now you can't fight anymore, right?"

I felt tired, but surely it would be ok, at least for them.

But instead of holding up his hands in surrender, making any signal of distress whatsoever-

A glint of gold, in the flowers, gold, and black.

I tensed, but I- I- couldn't move when I saw it, terrible dread. The briefcase made for his hand, black lined with gold.

"I knew that you'd eventually defy me, Haise. Don't think I hadn't made preparations."

For my slaughter.

In my horror, the all too familiar sound of the button on the briefcase, the pain of a kakuhou constrained by steel, sharpened and shaped by electricity.

One point of glowing koukaku, held in his hand, thick and adorned with a circle of crimson about violet grey. But now fashioned sharper, cleaner, lined in gold.

A short measure of breath left my lungs, and a tear fell from my ghoul's eye.

The manager. Yoshimura, the old man who'd shown me kindness and made my life as a ghoul possible, the old man so humble and talented and averse to violence. The same man who'd sired Eto, the man who'd died at my failure again.

I was surprised, to realize that I could hurt more than I already had.

The war continued, and I would never win, the world condensed to a globe of water you could shake as the same bloodied snow fell to the earth again, again, again.

Arima and I, with the corpses of each others' loved ones for weapons, whether it be in our hands or stomach, in a field of stained flowers.

From there, things only got worse.

And it wasn't as if I hadn't been prepared, it was sickening how I was still going, damaged so badly.

Simply by my heart, a quinque made from the owl was indestructible. 

Like Akira's father facing Touka and Hinami with quinques of her mother and father, like Ayato facing Shinohara wearing Arata as armor, there was no way to win, there was no way to gain anything but despair for being faced against something made from the death of love.

When I fought Nishiki as Haise, had he seen me like that, so warped and tragic and offensive, a corpse being twirled around by the hands of a puppeteer?

That was what I was, in the end, but at least I'd managed to rip myself from those strings, it was better to fall than to stay in suspension.

I wished at the same time that Arima had never spoken, and that he'd never gone so silent.

Because when it came down to blade against blade, blood and body and tears and flame, it was easy to lose myself in the thought that it would be enough, just to lose, just to fall, just to die.

But he did not even humor a dying request from someone he called his son.

"You try so hard, and yet you fall short. You would not have lost so dreadfully if you'd not chosen to protect the ones who are right now attempting to exit through the north door, with our hostages."

The heavy thud of his quinque- made just to run through my body- turned to silence, and I looked up, a dawning horror, a whimper of futility exiting my lips.

It was hard to talk, my being a monster and all. Breathing so hard, my uniform disheveled, rumpled and stained, my hair sticking in my eyes with blood.

But he'd spoken those words, and I felt like a crusader. Yes, a crusader, a boy barely more than a child filled with righteousness and purpose and defiance, taught ecstacy at martyrdom.

"You're attempting to try and stall me, correct? You don't even plan to win, you don't plan to do more than be a shield."

I was saving them. If I held him off long enough they'd get away safe. I had them taken from me for so long…

Arima told me it was for my own well being, the chemical that kept my head split wide and without memory of the sun.

I screamed at him, within my head, and with my hair over my eyes I kept going at him, still dressed in the ashes of the person I'd created for him, the one who refused these tears, the one who was tired of failure, of fear, of love and weakness, the one who tried to be Arima.

I'd win, I'd save everyone, I'd be the hero and I'd bring him down with me.

But he spoke, and I should have wondered earlier why he would not take me as a serious threat no matter how hard I fought.

"Sixty five."

"Huh?"

"That's the number of times I could have struck a fatal blow. You know I could kill you, at any time, Haise. In a matter of seconds."

And if to prove his point, he accelerated, to lethality.

Much faster, and it took not a blink of my eyes for the quinque he'd given me to disappear from my hands, split in two.

My eyes widened to a painful degree, the horror dawning on me, empty handed, the last shreds of my pretend humanity revoked in his eyes.

He'd been holding back. Still, like it had only been a sparring match, like he was only giving me a few bruises to think on and a stern lecture.

But now, I supposed I'd finally become a real person to him. A real ghoul, at least. 

"I could have killed you when I saw you first, but I thought if I let you vent your anger I might persuade you to come around. You have yet to kill the one eyed king, after all. You have time yet to complete your mission." His expression soured, and like something simply not human he leapt forward and cut off another, a third, a fourth tentacle from my back spread rapidly behind me, the sky raining down with blood.

Why did he appear like a knight in shining armor, fighting a dragon-?

"But the truth is, I could break this barrier you've made yourself, catch up to the rest of your friends and kill them all before the clock struck midnight here. I didn't wish to do this, Haise, but you've made yourself clear that you will not comply until I silence you."

His weapon, tangled with every bit of me the same one already stained with the blood that sounded my defeat two years ago.

Was I stronger than I had been then, the cannibal pushed far past my limits with all of the power at my fingertips but none of the stability to see past my own tears?

I had failed then, I had failed to stop him when no sharp thing I wielded could end the tragedy that had already happened.

I knew, I was determined, I hurt to know how much I knew now, that I was again stronger than I had been before.

But was I stronger than him? Of course not, I had weakness, and I was sure in the end he didn't, not past me.

Was I a weakness? To him?

Did I have to try to kill him, or would losing to him be enough?

"I don't want to fight you," I said, my kagune in blows around him, pushing so hard, twisting and hardening and forming a blockade almost like roots, a hand pushing him away-

And I wasn't lying, though I wished I could allow myself to take pleasure in revenge.

I had far too much guilt, I couldn't kill anyone else. No, I wouldn't kill him, I didn't know how I ever thought I could even if I could overtake him.

No more taking, I said. Even from him.

"It doesn't matter if I kill you, I'll win," I said, content with dead eyes. "I'll make you destroy your greatest weapon."

And pain, more pain, sharp slices severing the limbs straight from my body, a kagune dropping the ground wet and heavy and bloody. I breathed in, I breathed out, I pushed myself forward- forward-

I was poison, I was a nuclear bomb, something never meant to be made. Something shaped by evil and necessity and simple science, something that needed to go out quiet or it would be made to destroy everything.

If I was to go on living, he would get ahold of me. He would use me to hurt someone else I loved. And not only that, I knew even dead I was a weapon, unless I could break myself so bad, he would not be able to make me a quinque. 

I was already most of the way there, I surmised, watching my life splatter the flowers.

No, I could not let myself hurt anyone again.

So I would win, I would win and I would turn against him, I was almost too happy to throw myself at his blade.

"Haise… you'll never be a martyr," he said, direct and cutting.

And I looked up at him, defiant, sorrowful.

"Even if you've made your decision to hinder me, you'll never accomplish anything." He shook his head, almost sympathetic. "I apologize, child. You've failed me."

Blood fell on the snow white flowers and they bloomed red, we both stood in the red, we were both dyed in rust. And I fought, with everything I knew I didn't have, everything I lost to him before and just now was taken back.

The white in my hair of my young maturity, the death of my naivety again blooming like snow and ash.

The wings barring me from humanity, blooming from my back, ugly, beautiful, returning to the place he must always have known was the truth. A ghoul, to be exterminated.

My legs felt like jelly, even as more and more like an animal, beastlike without a weapon I launched myself at him, every negative emotion leaking out of me like blood.

Oh, my stomach hurt, it hurt where he'd stabbed me. And I couldn't pull together the core strength to elude him into the air, my already injured kagune half the reason I still stood.

"Long ago, I would have done the same," Arima said, words he'd never once spoken to me.

_ He was telling me about himself, that really must mean he intended to kill me now. _

The thought came through, a jab through my shoulder with the weapon made from someone who'd sworn off violence.

"In this organization, we were born to power, to cursed power, and once I tried to fight it and find the right way, to save other people from the same fate." His face was deadpan as always, edged with a remorse that could be real or fake and it wouldn't matter. "But it didn't take me long to realize that thinking like that would never help me. I had to fight for myself, and myself only, and frankly, it didn't matter, what happened to the unfortunate.. That's not the kind of world we live in, Haise, and as much as I know I've hurt many people, trying to live life without selfishness will only hurt more. Maybe I am alone, on the top, but it's better than being alone and to lose everything because you can't give up weakness."

_ No _ , I said again, like a child whose argument against his parents logic was only refusal.

"You'll die, and then it will all be for nothing."

How was I surprised, that I could never make everything better? That it would be just like Hide, giving me a futile smile knowing I'd most likely die out in the snow even despite it?

...That was still better, than letting myself be saved again.

If I died like a king or a monster, pulled apart by him in flying blood, it didn't matter even if I couldn't stop him after my death… it would be worth it, even if all they survived was one more hour, better than for me to survive and hurt them more… I so desperately craved to see someone else smile-

Even just that, that would have to be enough.

In despair, he forced me to my knees, and my breath was choked with blood, run through with a thousand spears sharper than death.

I was so tired.

Knelt on the flowers, a puddle of blood spreading out and dyeing everything it touched. That lifeblood would not come back to me, he'd end me before I ever had a chance to heal.

But it would feed the flowers, blooming crimson.

I fought, and I fought, and I fought knowing even as I did so my bones broke, my tendons ripped, my blood spattered Arima's glasses. I fought like it was a dance and broke the puppet that was me out of its strangling strings.

I wouldn't run, I wouldn't stop, until I was gone, until all that I'd become had been given away, all the life I had left went to the ones I loved.

Well, they did it for me, all those years ago at Anteiku, it was my turn to sacrifice, and I was satisfied with that.

I'd fought long enough.

I couldn't hurt anyone else.

Maybe the world would be better off with what small good I'd done, and maybe the world would be better off without me, but either way it was good that I was gone.

In a brutal sendoff, I felt warm, familiar hands wrap around me and pull me away.

…

...Crimson flowers, and underneath the spot where he stood, they grew rose, pink, white.

I was so terribly exposed, I was somewhere where there was nothing covering my body, no way to hide in the slightest. Everything was bare, scars and pale skin and a terribly wonderful ache in my chest... but it was warm. And I was clean, washed of blood, healed of wounds, forgiven of my sins.

I found myself smiling, a familiar scent in the air, a light breeze and twilight stars above my head. Early summer, thick with nostalgia, thick with sorrow, thick with the undeniable feeling of home.

I looked up, and in the sky full of stars, there was the sun.

The sun, the sun, the long forgotten sun, standing there surrounded by a halo of stars. And he was smiling just like I remembered, ever so wide.

My eyes were weary beyond life and they widened almost softly, my lip trembling, a name in the dark for so long…

"Hi… de…"

Standing before me, he was young to me now, the bright picture of what I remembered him back in college. Warm eyes and a soft face and bleached hair with his black roots showing through, his big tennis shoes and his cuffed green jeans and his yellow-black sweatshirt, bright red headphones curved around his popped collar.

Paused forever, almost fully bloomed, never to reach any higher.

There was that boy like I'd never left him, giving me a skeptical, joking look and sweeping his hand back, voice ringing out, echoing and coming into focus as he answered. "Of course, Kaneki, I'm surprised it took you so long to recognize me. I'm hurt," he laughed. A sweet laugh, natural, loud and bright.

Home. 

I was home.

"Hide- I'm- I'm  _ sorry- _ " I tried to say, the first out of a thousand things I'd wanted to tell him but knew I'd never be able to. But as I said it, I became aware of myself, I became aware that I had a self to speak from.

Kneeling on the ground naked, my feet spread behind me, in a bed of red spider lilies, so incredibly vulnerable.

My face grew red, and I drew my arms around myself, apologetically. But Hide didn't seem to mind.

"What, you think you're offending me?" He laughed, dramatically throwing himself backward, hand over his eyes. "Oh no, men's tits- I'll  _ die- _ " And he was bursting into laughter again, looking down in a sigh, hands in his pockets. "It's kind of cute, Kaneki." He pointed at the, uh, nothing. "Looks good on you. A whole ass fashion statement."

It was a perfectly normal temperature, here, or perhaps there was no temperature at all, but somehow I still shivered, probably more of the sorrow than anything to do with cold.

"Here," Hide said, sensing my shiver, lifting a finger.

And I was engulfed in an oversized, fuzzy sweater, my collarbone open, wearing nothing underneath as I knelt there.

It was Hide's old sweatshirt, I remembered.

My eyes felt heavy. I remembered.

Struck with such longing and childishness, I looked down, flushed. "Tch," I smiled. "Why is it that I'm the only naked one?"

Hide made a face. "Ha- this is  _ your  _ world, Kaneki, why don't you tell me? You could certainly have imagined me that way if you chose to. But this is where you're at your most vulnerable." And he gave me a sort of condescending smirk, in the nicest way. "Guess it just means you're a bottom."

"You're so mean to me," I said, in jest, but it was only deflection, or I'd cry. He was the nicest, sweetest, most wonderful thing I'd ever known.

There was a silence, and it was anything but empty, the weight of a thousand years hanging between us so gingerly, galaxies between us when we used to walk hand in hand.

Hide, staring up at the stars pensively, hands in his pockets, like the kid who passed his own house so he could walk me all the way home before biking back to his own every day.

"...but really… maybe it's because…" he turned back, serious, but gentle. "You feel guilty? For what you did to my body?"

My mouth opened, and deep sorrow, a knot in my stomach I'd never undone throbbed, a noise caught in my throat.

He didn't even seem mad.

"You've seen it already. You've tasted it." He bit his lip, trying to hold back a snicker. He probably knew a subject like that wasn't something I could laugh about if I tried.

But with sincere inquiry, like he'd finished going over a class I'd missed to me and asked if he'd done alright explaining it, he turned to me and gave me an apologetic smile. "Was I sweet?"

I covered my eyes, and I choked out the answer. Confessional, vulnerable and so quiet, my bare legs pressed together in the flowers.

"Yes."

It had escaped my lips now, the guilt at that truth, and sadly I felt lighter.

And I looked up, I felt the warmness and the beautiful absence of pain. The impossible peace, calm, the sweet sound of a warm breeze, the stars above… and the red flowers I laid in, at Hide's feet the only pure, unstained circle of white.

"Am I dead?"

I asked it so quietly, baring my absolute self to someone who could probably see right through me anyway. That was a blessing, I realized now though I'd tried to hide so much from him before, but all I truly wanted was for him to see me all, my flaws and my scars and my tears, everything I found so hard to speak aloud.

How could it possibly be that... here, he saw it all, and he'd love me anyway-?

Here, Hide was here, when he no longer existed. Therefore I must assume I was the same.

And I felt heavy, very very heavy, but at the same time, incredibly light.

Was this what the manager had seen, when he bled out in the battle of Anteiku, was it his long gone lover who carried him away and forgave him for the hurt he'd never wanted to cause her?

I'd be ok with that, I thought, looking down contently. Yeah, that'd do.

But Hide looked down at me, kneeling down and placing a hand on my exposed shoulder, skin on skin, it made me cry. "Not yet. And not if I have anything to say about it."

I was actually somewhat surprised, as I blinked and I felt his finger, swiping the shining red jewels from my eyes.

"Wh… what?"

"Nah, man, I'm not letting you give up, edgy bitch!" He pointed a finger at me, smiling. "Bad move, bro."

Oh, comfort time was over, he was making me confront my feelings now, huh. Damn, I hated it when he did that, he was always right, no matter how much I tried to argue with him.

"But… why?" I asked, looking up at him with tired eyes. "Why should I live?"

The battle of Arima and I seemed like a distant nightmare. But it was over now, I was here. Why should I think about that now?

"Dude. Kaneki. I know you think this is the only way you can be forgiven, if you give up your life for someone. And I get it, but I need you to face the facts, king. You are loved."

Jesus fucking christ, I'd forgotted how hard Hide made it for me to make bad decisions.

He pointed upwards. "It's not a good equation. You can think you're better off dead all you want but you have four kids." He seemed so sentimental at that. 

I'd gotten to live, and have that. Even if it wasn't him. I had love. And he looked like he was pretending not to be jealous, for something as simple as that. He hadn't gotten that, he never made it out of college. He'd never get that, he was a memory in my head, a ghost. And the way I was going, that would go away for me too.

And... what was I doing... throwing that away because I was tired?

"They're counting on you to come back to them and keep them from falling apart. And it's not just them, you know. Touka, Hinami, Nishiki, Juuzou and Akira… it doesn't matter what your judgement of yourself is, if you leave them behind… they'll be sad."

My eyes opened wide, and I cracked, loudly, straight down my middle, every bit of my argument dashed to pieces by simple words of comfort. 

Had that been all I was missing?

Hide stood up, and walked off to the side, turning his head to me still kneeling on the flowers. "You said that you didn't want to run away anymore, you didn't want to take anything more, you wanted to be someone who could give?" He laughed. "There are more things you can give than your life. And Kaneki… I hate to say this, but you need to hear it."

He turned to me full on, smiling with tired eyes, a remnant of a happier time who'd been wiser than me from the beginning.

"Deciding to go die down here like this… all in all, don't you think it's a bit selfish?"

…

Selfish.

Oh lord, he was right.

Selfish, to be a martyr, selfish, to let myself be carried away by this sweet embrace and neglect the people I'd made promises to.

To the kids, I'd promised never to die on.

To Touka, I'd promised to see her later.

To Hide, long ago, I'd promised to understand the last words he'd ever said to me, that my life meant something to him.

A heavy weight settled in my chest. I'd once again messed up right and wrong, and I'd made him disappointed again, hadn't I.

He saw the look on my face, and nodded, kindly, forgiving. "Yeah… you're still kind of running away, bro."

I curled into myself, guilt like the phantom wound in my abdomen. "But no one else will die because of me… Shouldn't this be enough?"

He sighed, his chin resting on his palm. "Well, if you want them to die ten minutes after you, knowing that you failed, and that you died for nothing but your own ego."

Ouch.

I whimpered, hurt and in pain, the truth ripped open again in this sweet lie. "But I can't beat him. I'm not strong enough. I'm just not enough. I tried, I did."

I was so tired, of not being able to do anything. I'd hurt everyone, hadn't I? And I'd done it again, and here was Hide to guide me hand in hand back to the right path. But I didn't know if I had the strength to walk to its end.

At that, Hide laughed. Actually laughed, in joy, in hilarity. "I think,  _ actually _ , you  _ can  _ beat him, because he's a bitch. Not strong enough? Have you  _ seen  _ yourself, dude? You're fucking ripped!" He pressed a finger to my chest, over the soft sweater. "Good job, you upgraded from your twink status, I better see you flexing those motherfuckers or I want my money back." 

But he turned soft again, a hand cupping my cheek.

"...I know it'll be hard. I know it'll hurt. I know you've already been through so much and it's actually the worst of me to ask you to do more, but I know you can. You've survived him before. He's not invincible, Kaneki. It doesn't matter if he's never been defeated, think of the king you'll be once you do!"

And his hand on my cheek, his face next to mine, the voice so familiar with the words only he could know I'd need. He was here, he was here, he was here and I had no clue how I'd lived without it so long, I had no clue how I could do what he was asking. Go on, he was asking me to go on and stand up and leave his arms again and it all spilled out-

He knelt and cupped my face, and underneath his feet the flowers were pure white, an island in a sea of crimson. But my mouth opened and I couldn't hold in a sob, and before I could even think to stop it my heart poured out of my eyes, ugly, loud, childish tears, naked under a fuzzy sweater. And below the two of us the circle spread and the red retreated, fading away, the blood running out of my eyes until finally the tears were clear and the words choked out of my mouth, my greatest, ugliest weakness.

There I was in pieces at his feet and everything was white, it was the sun so bright it burned my eyes, and I was smiling as tears watered the flowers under the stars.

"Hide… I've been so lonely without you…"

I can't bear to leave here, Hide, please, don't make me leave, don't let me go-

But he did, after a long, tight embrace, his big, warm hand slipping from mine, cold, thin. And standing irrevocably apart from me again he took a look up at the indigo sky, speckled with so much life, hair blowing up in the pattern of terrible, unreachable nostalgia, my hand reaching out.

"What are you, a rabbit?" He gave a short laugh. "Kinda gay, not gonna lie."

And I had stars in my eyes so wet, on my knees in white flowers in nothing but his old sweater and the familiar smell of someone I'd never see again, my fingers splayed as the vision of him blurred.

"Suicidal ideation? Kinda cringe, Kaneki. I know it hurts, but… you've just gotta find a reason to live. Any reason at all." He cocked his head. "You could live for your friends, if you really need suggestions. And maybe make it so they'd not only have one more bittersweet hour, they'd have a hundred, a thousand, they'd be able to smile as many times as they wanted. It's not your time, and it doesn't have to be theirs either." It was pained, almost, as he began to walk off, through a field of flowers, a bright sunflower fading into the night sky.

And still I pleaded, with the boy who I'd killed, not to leave me for the world of the dead.

He stopped for a second, in the distance, and stood, with more wisdom than I'd ever possessed, in that single knowing smile. "Let me put it this way, Kaneki." He put his hand to his mouth for a second, thinking, before raising up a finger, smiling. "Ah. Well… idolizing me because I died for you?" He mimicked a face as if to snub it, holding up a hand. Then he turned back to me, in indigo shadow, just out of reach. "Idolizing me because I lived for you?" The smile was brighter than anything in the world, more than my beating heart,  _ my heart was beating _ and my mouth dropped open- "Now that's it."

And he turned back walking away, fading into the stars even as I cried "Wait- no- how- are you-"

Hide gave me a two finger salute, with the slightest boyish giggle, his voice echoing oddly, so far away and somehow far closer than should be possible.

"We may not be stylish anymore, Kaneki, but… live. And I'll see you in a bit, Kaneki. Promise."

And I opened my eyes to tears and blood and sharp, sharp pain, despite all efforts, alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess who's not fucking dead lmao  
> ive been wanting to write this part for so long it is INSANE and uh yeah chapter 75 is the only valid part of re after chapter 50 we been known it made me cry when i read it the first time so well here we are three months and 65k words later  
> next chapters are going to be EPIC


	13. When the Kings are One Eyed IDK I've Never Read the Book

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaneki wakes back into the world of the living and now the Hide in his head has bullied him into living he has no choice but to move forward, with more blood on his hands. He's prepared to do what he has to on his own, but to his surprise... there is someone to help him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh short chapter but now we have finally reached the comfort part of the hurt/hurt/hurt/hurt/comfort fhiewoafhewh;ewo i am Here for it and I think you all are at this point, Kaneki finally gets to realize, well, uh, *hide*  
> ARIMA DIES FINALLY TOO THANK FUCK

//Haise/Kaneki//

Tears, on my face, hot and bright and alive. The pain carved into my disgusting mortal body paled in comparison to the feeling of those tears, slipping from my eyes like water through my fingers.

I was a corpse on the ground, a gory stain smeared on the marble floor of a mansion, the real feeling of spider lilies soft on my skin.

Arima stood over me, his eyes like cold slate, his blade held for the killing blow.

Lying prone on the ground, I opened my mismatched eyes, straight into his own with a long suffering stare. I moved, and it was weak, but I clawed my way off the ground, cracking my back and setting up, wiping the blood from the corner of my mouth.

The ceiling cracked, and new kagune formed from the stumps of the severed ones, and with clinging life force, they came fast enough, carving a line into his face and throwing him backwards a short ways. 

Had he been surprised? That I peeled myself off the ground yet again?

But though he was hit, he kept going, charging without words toward me to finish his job. Without words, not even acknowledging it.

Dripping with crimson, I pulled up my kagune, and I thrust them into the ground, out of the earth, my face straining as I tried to twist them into the shape of a drill. They burst from the flowers and came at him from all angles like venomous snakes, as I stood on shaking legs, all my power made from my faith.

“Stop trying, Haise. It will only hurt more,” he said, but I looked up, and I gave him the most innocent, tired smile.

“No.”

And I hurt, I hurt so much, and despite everything the world felt fresh. I’d been forgiven, by Hide, for what I was to do.

“I won’t be your black reaper. Please, don’t make me hurt you.”

I said it, but I knew he wouldn’t surrender.

The world shook, the building and my mind, and the kagune comprised of a thousand hearts I’d taken were giving with their pain. If I could stop him, even if I had to keep carrying the burden- I’d be saving them. Growing and warping and blocking his path, I became a shield. I breathed in deep with my jaw set. And he could not pierce it, not yet.

“That’s simply how the world works, boy. It's just black and white. You're made to kill, and even here, you'll eventually just end up fulfilling your purpose."

"Maybe so," I said, heavy, as the resolution strengthened, settling in my bones. Blow against blow, pain against something at the same time so hard and so soft. "But if I must, I'd rather do something that will make something better, even if I'm not a good person. Instead of committing atrocities behind the front of perfection."

Pillars of marble, and his quinque I couldn't focus on, and his deep, grey, completely unreadable eyes. No expression, ever still, no sign that he'd lost any stamina, even though I'd cut him, and I carried the weight of a thousand lives on every flower spattered with blood.

He said simply, "It is fate, Haise, and staying with the CCG was the best you could have ever had. We have no choice in what we do, you or I." And he almost looked sad, but I knew it meant nothing. "No king truly ever has free will."

I caught myself on my kagune from the rebound against his quinque that was Yoshimura, and standing facing him, his words caught.

...Why must the world be so heavy?

And why must Hide be right again, why must I always destroy my heroes? Because I saw him and he was my stability. He was always the right, always the ideal, the man who was god to me. And I saw him, close up, for the first time as my bright red spear came so close to him. 

Arima was weak.

Stoic and calm, thin white hair, even wrinkles at his eyes, too pale. And it was in his stance, in the way he held that quinque, his ever tired fight.

And I landed right beside him, with parts of me scattered on the ground and a hole in my chest, still standing.

I'd only ever compared myself to his unattainable standard, I climbed so high to try to reach him and I had vertigo as I looked down for the first time.

I stood on the roof of the world, with a man who'd been there alone for thirty years, and though I was all broken and I'd only grazed his face, that was all I needed to do. He was cracked all the way through.

He didn't seem to mind, when the beated, abused body of his failed replacement cried, cried as I bled from my mouth and sunk my kagune into his chest. Short, sharp, quiet and clear, barely a drop of his blood on the ground when I'd already shed a gallon of my own.

He was never human to begin with, I realized, but it was the final shattering of my idolization of humanity.

I should have known he couldn't be that strong, that deadly, uncaged.

I shouldn't have, but I still felt pity, and I felt guilt. I had to understand, even when I'd been irrevocably damaged by him.

And I bled onto his white clothing, as I sat beside his prone body, laid flat on the ground.

"If it's any consolation, Haise, I'm quite proud of you for getting the best of me. But I wouldn't have given you mercy no matter what, had you failed." Glasses reflecting light so they gave me naught from his eyes. "Life is taking from others."

The air was mournfully silent, and I cried, and I raised my broken blade and thrust it into his heart.

Yes, I was alone, and I was alive, and I was free from Arima.

But was I really, when I knelt at his corpse, and for the longest, longest time, I could not bear to stand?

Not for my wounds, that might kill me without help, I could barely feel them. But the sorrow was trying its best to hold me down, to tell me to lay down in the flowers and refuse fate.

He'd made me what I was.

I was a monster.

He'd been a monster.

All of the above was true.

But I felt something heavy on my head, and I would have to stand. I would have to get up, for the people I had left, I had to live on.

For Hide.

He'd given it all up for my life, the least I could do was honor his wish. 

I stood, and I walked, up the stairs, the marble stairs speckled with blood. The leaders of the CCG would be up there. The Washuus. The ones who'd commanded him. I'd have to stop them, and live. 

And I'd have to have hope. And I'd have to find some way to be happy, because that's what he would have wanted.

Halfway up the staircase, there was a body. And another, a third, soldiers, ghouls, faces I recognized pallid in death. One of them was smaller than the others.

Eto.

She was almost humble, as I stood there in half a CCG uniform, blood spattered across my front, what lied behind the stain betraying the power of denying my wounds their rest.

Her bandages lay in bloodied twists on the ground, and her breathing was shallow, loud, her feathered mint colored hair was plastered against her forehead.

I could smell that she was dying, and she looked up at me, one eye green and the other red. But she was strangely calm, for the one eyed owl.

"Did I do the right thing?" I asked, like a child, I asked the leader of a terrorist organization. "What am I supposed to do next?"

She looked up the stairs, and then back to me.

"Huh…" she gave me a look, her voice weak. "You know how I told you to kill the one eyed king?"

I nodded, my feet planted tiredly on the ground.

And she smiled, a smile uniquely hers, curved and twisted but kind. "Well, you can disregard that now."

I blinked, and my mouth hung ever so slightly open, my greyed, limp hair about my face.

"What do you mean…"

"Arima. It was Kishou fucking Arima. The half human punk. Not me, like I suppose he told you. I don't know if you haven't noticed, you're a bit clueless, but I'm no king," she said, gesturing weakly towards her chest. It was slick crimson with blood, a rib poking out from under her diaphragm. Despite it, she laughed. "Well, I used to have that title, but the white reaper bested me some few years back. You could say I'm a bit of a has been."

...It wasn't hard to believe , at this point, and it made sense with what I knew, but it didn't make me feel any better, about the man who'd raised me, about the world, about the promise I'd made when I wore an eyepatch.

I promised the manager I'd save her. 

But I suppose she wasn't so keen on that.

"I'm sorry," I said, and it was monotone, soft, all lost. "I'm sorry. You're… I didn't have… enough time… I haven't done enough, and what can I do now?"

"Kaneki, I've got nothing going for me. This was the way it was going to go my whole life. But you've done good. To think that even for other ghouls, the world might not be such shit in the future… it should make me mad, but I'm kind of grateful. I got to have my revenge. And nobody else will have to."

She shifted painfully, in the middle of the stair. "Mmh… you're going to live out a better ending than I could ever imagine to write in that book, nameless king."

My mouth was open slightly, with a tired confusion.

"Don't you get it?" she laughed. "The king is the strongest ghoul in the world, and they get to call the shots. The original one was born a hundred years ago, a one eyed ghoul so violent and power hungry he caused the formation of the CCG in Tokyo. V killed him, I think, and then my father got all involved in that and succeeded the last guy. And I was stronger than that old boomer. But then Arima beat me."

And then I…

I looked down, at my twitching, dirty hands.

Did that make me…

Eto smirked, at the look on my face and dragged herself to the side, sweeping her hand up to the stairway of marble, coated in her blood. "Make way for the king."

Pain, and hope, and a plea that I'd make a better ruler than Arima. I knew I wasn't truly any better, but I supposed I'd have to be.

Dark shadows under my eyes, and a heavy crown, and blood on my hands, I was so tired.

I didn't want to lead any more battles.

What awaited me up those stairs would probably be more pain, but I'd promised to endure it. And then maybe I could find home again, in whoever I had left, in whatever I could save. I had a duty to the world to accept what happiness I got.

I walked up the staircase and the sky outside was grey. And I found it harder and harder to keep going, the world growing dizzying.

So much blood.

I'd taken on quite a lot, hadn't I?

I fell, at the second step from the top, in the dark, and I slumped down, one hand reaching desperately for the light.

My head strained upwards, hands pressing on the cold marble, trying to deny gravity. And I could get up, if I had to, if I had to, I was strong enough, I was the strongest one in the world.

But it hurt… so much… and I reached out, to the sky, weights below my eyelids.

I didn't expect another hand to take the burden of mine.

_ A hand. _

Firm, warm, larger than mine, clasping the thing connected to my arm and pulling me gently to the top of the staircase, another one steadying my waist-

Huh-

My eyes focused, past the hand, and-

I sucked in the smallest breath, a choked sound, and I looked up, I looked down again- the hand- it was real, I could feel its warmth, my feet were on the ground and my wounds stung and- I looked up-

Bleached blonde hair with black roots, curly and soft. Warm eyes the color of the earth, matured and faded but the same curve of a face I'd memorized-

And a mask, covering the lower half of his face, his body obscured in dark clothes.

But he was so bright.

"Yo, Kaneki."

Tears, disbelief, guilt ridden pain and I nearly tripped backwards again but oh, as if in exchange for what was missing, even then, the greatest, most terrifying smile erupted onto my face.


	14. And Everyone Clapped (and then we all wonder how the hell he got here)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> alternate title: In Which We Finally Figure Out What The Hell Hide Has Been Doing (yes the original title is, uh, an old tumblr reference for this is so ridiculous it can't have actually happened)  
> Yeah, so there's been a suspicious lack of Hide until just recently, but now he's suddenly showed up at the top of the stairs to help Kaneki up, simply telling him that everything is all worked out, he doesn't have to fight anyone else- but what the hell does that mean?? What did he d o ? How ??? Did he do it??? Find out next week Thursday from 5:00-6:30 AM US Central/hj

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The second part of this is a flashback to what happened to Hide before he got to this point, so like, during this battle, what he was doing.  
> there was originally an alternate version where Hide ends up joining the ranks of the war criminals, but I decided this was supposed to be a happy ending so shit goes down but he's allowed to stay soft I'm not locketheart  
> also. hide :))))))))

//Hide//

It might not be stylish, but… I'd lived.

I'd lived now to see Kaneki again, to reach out that hand and help him to his feet again, something so strong and fragile all at once breaking as he saw me.

And… well, there he was, he was really there, a weight in my arms. I was overwhelmed with kindness, care, affection, deep empathy, just seeing him.

He looked so different, to begin with.

I'd seen him from afar, I'd seen him in pictures, but his person in front of me was something so intimate and familiar. His face, the way he stood, his hands telling of a thousand stories that had been carved into his flesh in the past hour.

He was no taller, though neither was I… and that made us both kind of short now, right? I'd told him we still had a few years to grow, back then, but, well, who could predict this?

But in every other way, he was different just as he was the same, and I imagined I must be too. 

The first thing was his hair, of course, which, well… it must have changed again. White on black, but the black was on the outside, fading away to the edges with grey. It was messy but it would be honestly cute, fluffy, barring the blood, which wasn't something I could ever say it had been before.

His clothing was in a much different context, he'd gone through a few uniforms in life now… though it appeared he'd abandoned his CCG jacket. Now he was standing in the black fighting thing that seemed to function as armo- and on that note, I did truly have to give him credit for upgrading himself from middle school twink. (I had too, I supposed, but I sort of went the other way, but didn't every buff idiot need an emotional support Dad Bod.)

But it certainly hadn't come without a price, I didn't miss the, uh, like three stab wounds on his chest. 

God, he'd been through a lot. There were the same scars, on his hands, but new ones formed, from dozens of battles I hadn't been there for. His whole body obscured itself in grime and blood.

And then there were his eyes. They were… so tired. The right one, the same deep, bright grey, the left blatantly black, crimson iris somehow damaged, the cracks spreading further out from it than they had before.

And wide, they recognized me.

He recognized me, and his smile was so broad it could make up for mine, and I filled with such a great, tired gratitude. 

"Hide-"

Fireworks, in my soul, my name from his mouth, the relief that he had me once again.

"Nice hair, Kaneki," I said like he'd never left. I liked to make my grand entrances, didn't I. "You've really outdone yourself this time."

He seemed not to breathe for a second too long, standing there, his hand in mine where I'd helped him up. He stood on unsteady feet, and his eyes flicked from my eyes, my mask, my hand, my eyes again and there was disbelief, confusion, a kind of salvation that took years in hell to find.

"B- but-  _ how- _ " his voice broke, and tears spilled over his eyes, glittering from the dim light outside.

"What, did you think I'd die on you?" I asked, so sweetly. "Nah, you're stuck with me forever, king. I'm just Built Different."

It must one hell of a whiplash, to hear that after so long, and Kaneki was suffering from it bad, but the happy-surprised-pained-confusion was better than 'I'll sleep when I'm dead and I'm almost there'. 

I was glad I'd made it. He didn't need any more on his plate for the night, and I really did mean it metaphorically this time, thank god.

Undoubtedly, he saw that. It was impossible not to, the same kind of situation.

Where I was an unexpected light in the dark, a savior, tainted with the hint of tragedy he could never get away from.

A noise of terror escaped his mouth, but I reached out in empathetic pain, stopping that train of thought before he could get there.

"No, it's alright, Ken. Trust me. You don't need to fight any longer. I survived. And don't worry, I've gotten everything all worked out. It's all going to be alright. I promise."

He was standing there like there was a loading bar above his head, taking it all in. 

"Wh- huh- how- you- I'm-"

...I loved it when he did that.

And I turned slightly, as behind me, I heard footsteps.

"Yo, Nagachika- he ok?"

"Hey, it looks like you've done it- and entirely without trashing my motorcycle! You're my favorite gay son."

A laugh and a nod, and I turned back to Kaneki, his eyes lit up in wide, vulnerable disbelief, as Marude, Take, Hirako, and the rest of squad 0 appeared behind me, smiling.

I leaned in conspiratorially to Kaneki, cheeks flushed. "They can't believe that I'm friends with the one eyed king! Imagine that, Kaneki!!"

But he could barely respond, because he was blinded.

The windows that lined the top floor had begun to glow, with the blue, purple, pink of morning. And I bet we looked cool as hell in silhouette. I was holding out my hand, offering help as before, but we were no longer in the dark.

The world colored itself in, in that bright light I'd been reaching for all of three years now.

Behind them came his beloved Anteiku, smiling at Kaneki, and they clustered around four kids, that I knew meant quite a lot to him.

He was so fragile, in the end, and as soon as he saw it, he fell apart.

As much as I'd do it for him a thousand times… I was so glad I didn't have to tell him to fight alone any longer.

"H… no… how- I'm dreaming, I gotta be hallucinating again," he nearly laughed, and he stepped back, but behind him was a staircase, and I reached to grab his wrist before he could fall again, pulling him back up. 

"Whoa shawty, you're injured."

Behind me, Yonebayashi crossed her arms, loud as always. "Maman do you want me to throw a shoe at you? Because I will. Throw a shoe. At you." It was a high voice, edged with sarcasm, and out of nowhere, a boot just went yeet, right into Kaneki's face. "I'M REAL, MOTHERFUCKER!"

I turned back to him. "We're all real, believe it or not." I gave him a thumbs up, putting a hand on his shoulder. Kindly, I turned to the others, signalling them to let us alone.

Tears, so kind and intimate on his face, blood on his lips and such desolate, complete trust. It was a lovely thing to see.

"Do you want to take some time to catch up a bit?"

//Hide but make it a flashback//

It was the dead of night, and I couldn't help but understand the pain of anonymity. Silent, still, a scarecrow.

It didn't matter if I'd planned it for eternity, there was no way to escape the sort of primal fear that clung at my heels.

After all, I was only human. I'd never been an investigator, I'd been a messenger boy who they threw onto the battlefield last minute without even a weapon, certain I'd die, but it was fine since I volunteered.

I was a squishy body and a bleeding heart, and truly reckless, when it came to protecting my loved ones.

But it didn't show, in the darkest shadows of the highest halls, my face covered, my identity disguised with my voice so oddly altered.

I wasn't the greatest weakness of the young heir to the one eyed throne, I wasn't the best friend of someone deeply hurting, I wasn't a boy who knew his fathers mourned him, I wasn't just some kid who thought a history minor could make up for never having touched anything sharp. I was just a scarecrow. In the wind, silent, anonymous, protecting something precious and smiling as I was pecked until hollow.

Holding out a hand to shake, in the dark, to a man with bright red eyes and a tattoo across his neck.

Facing a shadowed head covered by an old fashioned fedora and striking a bargain, cocky and smooth and utterly hidden.

Warning the agents of the CCG was something I put off until after I had left. I knew they'd be too stubborn to let me if they knew, like an edgy thirteen year old sneaking out at night.

It was kind of a gamble, but so was abandoning my post and yeeting down through the sewer system with google maps two years ago. And I'd survived that, so I'd be fine. If I let this happen, Kaneki wouldn't be fine, so neither was I. It was simple math, truly, and if it gave me more scars I had calculus to blame.

And the curtains opened, on the beginning of the Tsukiyama mansion battle.

I stood in my full costume as the scarecrow, and in a crowd, I was honestly unnoticeable, amidst masked monsters.

Here, I was, lurking in the shadows behind a certain black haired man with a smile far too smug on his face.

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't with the man, I knew I was in danger just by even this proximity. But it was for Kaneki, for the world that we lived in now. It was still so hard to see it as the same one we'd been in years ago, as that day at the coffee shop when the world was the two of us, college, friends, my comic books, and my family.

Things were a bit different now, I had to say, and it would never be the same as it could have been before, but the only way to rebuild a world we could live in would be to move on from the past, to fix the present.

Yeah, so I was here, crossing my fingers that this shit would work the way I had it planned.

"I presume the mission is going quite well, no?" He asked, with a sweet and fake smile, approaching the commanding squads, the ones that held the highest ranking officers of the CCG. And they were preoccupied, manning stations on the east wing's roof of the building.

I was unseen, and in my gloved hand, something important.

And he was smiling, cockily, at the Washuu with salt and pepper hair, a pinstripe suit.

"Huh?" The man turned, a bit confused, looking him up and down. "Furuta?" He didn't seem very worried, or in the least not bothered, but as Chief Washuu and his assistant recognized him, they looked slightly more alarmed. 

"Furuta. You're assigned down with squad four… get back into battle, what are you doing up in control-"

He advanced, smiling, and I glanced behind me, always nervous that I might be seen.

"Oh, well, you shouldn't worry about that," he said with a kind look somewhat warped, and I think few missed the glint of malice in his words.

"I switched some of the squad's assignments around," he said, "Better to have Suzuya down in the depths, holed up with investigator Mado? And there's no need to worry about the investigators down on the lawn below. It's all worked out!"

A large man in a suit looked concerned, furrowing his brow. "Since when does he have the authority to do that? And if so, when… hey, can you get ahold of special class Suzuya? He was supposed to handle backup for Aogiri's Tatara after taking out the frontload of scouts with his apprentice- yes, the one Hoji and Takizawa fought a while back. They were well matched." He looked back up. "Special class Furuta, ah, may I ask who he's fighting now-?"

"Takizawa."

"Huh-"

I flinched, and there was an explosion, far ahead, perched down by the front entrance.

"What do you mean- wh- check the cameras," the chief frantically turned to the assistant again, but just as soon as he asked, he snapped a finger, and they went out, all at once, silent. 

He shrugged, and pulled out a pistol. "Well, we won't want any onlookers, now would we?"

There was a beat of silence, but these were the Washuus. Guns were reciprocated, before anything could happen.

I hated that I felt sorry for people like that, even people I knew would burn the world down to stand on top of it.

They hadn't ever seen Furuta, their problem was in the fact that he was so chronically overlooked, he was so easy to ignore. But there he was with a gun pointed to Washuu's head, and they had no chance against something like him.

I ducked behind the wall and I was eternally grateful not to see the path of the screamining bullets, my ears covered to the screams of betrayal.

Fast, he was down, and I looked out, and he had a hole in his skull, a tiny round circle of deep red.

But in a second, the bullet popped out, and he smiled, as he held out the silver, bloodied in his hand.

He smiled at Matsuri Washuu, throwing the bullet up in the air and catching it, again and again. And a scream, there were the red eyes, another scream, the kagune, everything, against the men in suits that ran the CCG.

Oh god, the blood. I grit my teeth, but it didn't stop it from spattering the ground, more and more gunshots, more and more pain.

I didn't watch, I didn't want to watch, I didn't want to be part of this, I didn't want to know I'd been somewhere I could have taken the bullet, but didn't.

But I knew it would happen, all along, and I reassured myself I was trying my hardest to stop as much blood from spilling as possible.

There were corpses of all the lower classes on the wall, pinned like portraits, and with a smile on his face, he walked forward, ever so sweet. 

There were the clowns, first off, right behind him. I'd known they would come anyway, that had been worked out.

And masked, holding knives to a dozen heads, the rest rolling to the floor.

"Hi, Matsuri, I'm going to need a few things from you," he said, holding out a piece of paper.

The man backed up, petrified, and looked at his face in disbelief. "Y- you're- how-"

"Ah, nice to see they kept you in the dark here. It'll make things easier. First order of business, to make things clear, I'm performing a coup."

Reasonable, wasn't he. 

Matsuri talked real big, but after he saw the man's kagune, his voice was no more than a squeak, trailing off into nothing, shaking. 

"You're not the rightful heir, you have no claim to- don't kill me please don't kill me please don't kill me-"

Behind him, that halo of silhouettes, circled around their man and the Washuus, held still, somehow restrained.

"Why don't you sign this?" He pointed a finger at the line at the bottom of the paper. "To make sure that in case all the lovely family right here should die, that instead of you, the one to succeed as head of the CCG will be me." And he leaned down, a point to Matsuri's throat.

It didn't last long, because I pressed a button.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

The door to the roof burst open, and Marude stood defiantly, knuckles white on a quinque gun, a whole squad of soldiers behind him. 

"PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!" He said as loudly as he could, and he was as threatening as he could be, but I knew that alone would do nothing against Nimura.

Furuta was as aware of this as I was, and he made it known. Not at all surprised, he just turned slightly, face twisting in a smirk.

"I'd think twice before you pulled that trigger, Marude…"

I grit my teeth, tensing as oh shit he was Looking At Me-

Yeah, I'd signed up for this, but it was still not an enjoyable experience when the kakuja-at-birth shot his kagune out towards me, sweeping me forward and grabbing me with his hand in a strangling hold.

The ground disappeared beneath me, and oh god oh shit I couldn't breathe I couldn't breathe  _ I couldn't breathe _ and my feet dangled off the ground and there I was, the mask over my face wearing a content, unbothered smile.

"How do you feel about your spy?" He asked, holding me in the air as I began to panic, trying with all my wisdom to keep calm but as you could probably imagine, it was kind of hard.

No detailed plan could stop the thought from flickering in my mind for a second, if I- if I did really die, despite everything- I was so easy to break compared to them, what if I couldn't get myself out of this, what if something went wrong and it  _ hurt _ .

"He's been lurking here the whole time. Your secret weapon, right? Don't think I haven't noticed. His life for mine?" He looked up, voice level. He'd planned this out for years. No one this powerless could stop him.

And that was fine, that we could deal with, but maybe I wasn't a mastermind, and he reached forward even as I tried to evade him, wriggling back and forth. He pried open the hand that I tried to obscure-

And inside it, a small red light, beeping, the recording camera in my hands.

"Ah, I see," he looked up to me. "You did realize I'd do this, huh? Clever little scarecrow, you were going to project this to the CCG soldiers so they wouldn't trust me, huh?" And he looked down to it, inspecting the device. "Hmm, I'll keep ahold of that."

Furuta stared back up at me, and smiled like it was a little joke. 

"Now, I wonder what this scarecrow looks like, laying on the ground riddled with holes, pecked at by the very thing you sought to protect from, abandoned forever?"

I hadn't thought this would happen. 

But it was everything I'd thought it would be like in movies, except it wasn't pretty, it was painful, and with a tentacle around your neck like a boa constrictor it was a bit hard to make out what was going on.

It wasn't a question in my mind of what to do, no, I had too much empathy to ever ask for anything.

With my hands clutching the kagune at my throat, I shook my head as best as I could, a painted smile on my face as I signed.

_ SHOOT _

He wasn't to be underestimated. And if left alive, he'd stop at nothing for Ken Kaneki's head on a platter, his entire being torn apart for a shred of what had mutated his body. And not just him, the whole world would suffer.

No, I didn't want to die, I wanted to live, I wanted to be there for him and I wanted my chance to enjoy what I'd sacrificed so much for if I lived and the world was worse off for it, I wouldn't know what to do. 

I trusted Marude to do the right thing. He hesitated, yes, and I was flattered to see the worry in his eyes, but in the end, he raised his gun. 

Yeah, alright, I was scared. I'd never been used as a human shield before (lol) and I'd certainly never been run through with quinque steel.

Oh, god, they were doing the right thing but I felt like such a disappointment, such a failure for not finding a better way to fix this, for not the whole world under my control, mine to hand off to Kaneki.

Marude shot, and I flinched, my eyes under the mask shut tight, but miraculously-

There was a brush of air, and something was cut, something was falling and oh, that was me, crumpling rather fragile on the ground, scrambling to my feet and realizing that the bag over my head was gone, my sweatshirt was ripped- ad I looked up, at something I might not want to be near if I was anyone else, but I was thankful in a guilty way.

A particular one eyed owl, swept in on her jetpack thing and with a slim, strong hand brushed aside, an explosion of noise.

Ah, yeah, it was Eto, with her mint colored hair, wild and curly about her face, drenched in blood and smiling.

With her came a twisted laugh, and Furuta's exclamation of frustration, everything turned to chaos. And I tried to be glad for it, this was what I'd vied for.

There were many ghouls, and from nowhere, the highest squad of the CCG without its white reaper, suddenly at each other. Eto and Furuta were in the middle of it all, giants fighting each other- and Eto was laughing, angry and righteous and evil at once.

Oh god, my knees were weak as I stood, and, before me, there I was without a weapon again, in the middle of destruction.

Destruction, meaningless destruction, cold and devastating and fiery.

There, I couldn't help but see the battle of Anteiku, surrounding someone so helpless and in anguish.

There were bruises on my neck and cuts on my flesh and death hovering at my shoulders, but my mind screamed, for the bloodshed that wasn't mine, the screams of people that didn't need to fight, and bodies, bodies, in the snow.

Unprompted, unneeded, tears, in my eyes and an inherited paralysis, stuck standing right there even if I was unrestrained. 

I wanted to fall to my knees, press my hands over my ears and scream until the world was at peace but I couldn't and it would do nothing, and like two years ago, I had to stand. I had not the time to pay respects to every corpse, everything that could no longer be saved, I had to be strong so that I could stand up and stop this and make the world right for him.

But.

Sometimes I was so stuck on Kaneki being in danger that I forgot he lived in a world where his 'being in danger' was my 'dead on arrival'. And I wasn't prepared for being caught in the middle of this.

I was snatched from behind by my cloak, and it was a ghoul, I didn't even recognize.

I shouted out in shock, but I could not break free and my body had already had enough for the day. It was a rush of any humans against any ghouls, bodies twirling in a duel of pain, and I tried to be brave, but it was a flickering flame in the wind.

Eto had Furuta, but I could be overtaken by any random ghoul, and shit.

"Hey man, could you maybe lay off me already?" I asked politely, trying to wriggle free from the ghoul. "I swear I don't even have a weapon, I'm not trying to fight you, you don't have to kill me or anything-"

I guess the ghoul was just hungry, if it was trauma or bloodlust, I couldn't even see their hands, my face smothered in their dark cloak.

But I could feel them, and they crawled over my form, my life, in someone else's hands.

The world was blurry and dark, as my breath closed off, and a whisper of everything I'd done for Kaneki flew past my head at once.

I was a little kid holding out my hand on the playground, and there were already knives in my back, a deep, steady ache I could easily ignore. 

I was seven, and I declined the lead role in a play, because for a fleeting second Kaneki said he might want it.

I was ten and he was shivering in the corner of my basement, as I locked us in and got him a blanket and promised no one could hurt him down here.

I was thirteen and holding my phone to my ear, attempting to blackmail Kaneki's aunt holding Kaneki's handwritten list of offenses.

I was seventeen, and I got a job at a fast food place with the highest number of hours I could legally work, knowing I wouldn't be able to get the kind of scholarship I helped Kaneki get to Kamii.

I was nineteen, and I threw everything I had away to join the CCG, just on the slim chance I might be able to get something to help him.

I was twenty, and I sprinted across a snowy battlefield, lowering myself into a sewer tunnel with every intent to keep him alive. 

I was twenty three, with dark circles under my eyes and a mask over my face, legally dead, standing with serial killers and cannibals, telling them to shoot me so they couldn't get Kaneki.

Shit, I really had made that my whole life, huh.

And now I was here, suffering, as the faceless ghoul ripped the disguise off my face, tearing the bandages underneath-

It'd be alright, it'd be alright, I was only meant to be a background character, and I lived for Kaneki, so what did it matter if it hurt so I could save him? If I gained my own trauma to match his, wouldn't it make it more fair, if I was just as tired?

Whatever I suffered, Kaneki's pain would always be worse. And what mattered was not how intact I was, by the time I reached him, just that I could do it, that I could prove I was good enough of a friend.

Even if his new friends were always his, if he didn't have enough to give me anything in return.

But at the height of that despair… his friends… They came and saved me.

And though my face was broken, to him, I could smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the second part of the hide flashback thing is gonna be in when Hide actually explains what happened to Kaneki, which is gonna be like, in the middle of the next chapter lmao.


	15. Hide Teaches Kaneki About the Power of Friendship (homoerotic)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hide takes Kaneki aside and tells him the tea of how Urie became a girlboss, while Kaneki cries a lot and they're pretty gay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> basically kaneki going 'help girl, what do' at hide  
> i love how the literal one time i give a date for the next chapter i decide to put it up earlier because im so incredibly funny and sexy and i need validation  
> "holy motherfucking fiddlesticks" makes a comeback  
> to be clear the second part is the second part of hide's flashback but then it goes back to kaneki

//Haise/Kaneki//

And there we were on a balcony sprinkled with rubble. Our cheeks were pink with the cold, looking out upon the beginnings of dawn- blue, pink, yellow.

Me. And Hide.

It was impossible.

Hideyoshi Nagachika, the boy who I left in the ruins of the name Kaneki Ken, the boy who I killed because he asked me to live. The boy who I could not deserve in a million years, the one who'd held my hand as I grew up beside him, the one who'd held my hand as I stole everything from him.

There he was. And when I reached out to touch him, I half expected that there would be nothing there, but his hand twined with mine, rough, warm, real.

I had not killed him.

Though I knew nothing, of how this could be- what had happened, how he was here, how everything could suddenly seem- ok-?!

_ I hadn't killed the one person I loved the most. _

And delirious, I couldn't stop crying.

The familiar look in his eyes brightened. The thought in it, the way he knew he had it under control, confident and sweet. "Well, we don't have a lot of time, so I'm not going to be able to give you a full epic tale, you just tell me what you need and I'll help you. And I know… you need medical attention that we can't get you yet and as you can see, uh, battle's still raging. We're not quite out of the tunnel yet." But he turned to me, trying to give me a smile when there was nothing to give. "But I swear, this time, I'll be with you all the way."

I was still on edge from my fight with Arima, from everything before it, and every sound and brush of air was making me jump and tense up, I couldn't even comprehend that I didn't need to.

"H…" I looked down at myself, and well, I wasn't doing too hot, I had to say but it was the least of my concerns, the pain floating away in the tangle of emotions. "Hide…"

"Look, I get it, you had a few memory problems for two years, but we've actually established that you know my name now," he said, rolling his eyes when I just stared at him, uncomprehending. "I'm joking, Kaneki, it's cool. Or…" 

He looked slightly uncomfortable, looking down and brushing his hair behind his ear.

"Would you prefer Haise now?"

I blinked, as I looked up at him, stumped by the question. 

This was actually unreal, wasn't it.

"Uh-..." My voice was soft, automatically lilting back to the patterns of speech I'd used when I talked with him. "No, Kaneki's alright." I smiled self deprecatingly. "Honestly, it would be a bit odd to have you call me Haise. With the people who know me that way. I wouldn't want them to change, but…" I shrugged, subdued, words exiting my mouth like it was a confessional. "I have to admit I had problems with it for a while… I was trying so hard to deny it. But I'm over it now, it feels better." I nodded. "I'd rather be a full person than to pretend Ken Kaneki is something other than myself, that someone other than me did… all this." 

There was a second when I said nothing, it stuck- but I forced it out of my mouth.

"It was me, that... was...  _ me _ . There's nothing else but that."

And I realized that I'd opened up something so complex like a book to him, in a single second baring the psyche I wouldn't even admit to myself.

I was so used to hiding it, and he made it.  _ Impossible _ . 

Hide nodded, just like he always would have, but inexplicably different. Not like the invention in my mind at all. "Yeah, I get that it must hurt, especially having that separate for so long. But I'm glad you remember now, Ken…" He laughed, a strange little sad thing, relieved. "I wouldn't know how to help you if you didn't want to know what was wrong. I should probably catch you up about what happened since then, though."

It hit me, so hard, and I spat it out, something I never thought I'd acknowledge. 

No, even as I emerged from the sewers covered in blood I couldn't bring myself to understand where he'd gone, why I didn't hurt, what was in my mouth so ungodly sweet.

But here, it came out desperately, before I'd swallow it again forever, with tears.

"How are you alive?!"

"Sometimes, even I wonder," he said like a laugh, and I realized his voice wasn't… the same, he held his hand to his neck beneath his mask every time he talked. And it couldn't be, how could it when I-

_ His tongue and my teeth and hot, thick liquid running down his chin, my hands warmed on his neck and I was so hungry, everything he gave to me, I took _

Oh lord, I'd really done that to him.

What was I even thinking, my mind brought me to, suddenly accusatory. Was I that delirious I couldn't keep myself off of him long enough to grab his arm or something?? His mouth and his lips and his neck, down his collar and the inside of his mouth, it tasted so-

"I'm so sorry," I moaned, quiet and wavering, dripping with disgust at myself.

"Oh, Kaneki…" he said, nodding. "It's alright. I'm alive. And you're alive. That's what matters." He looked out into the distance, and as I followed his gaze my eyes were stuck on him.

He'd gotten so much older.

I blinked, and he appeared to me, in an entirely different way.

"And as for how? Yeah, it hurt, I'm not sugar coating it when I say you kiss like a  _ bitch _ , homie. But someone came and got me fixed up. So it's alright."

"...who…?" 

"Your favorite author," he said, rolling his eyes. "Or at least, former favorite author. Kaneki, if you haven't gotten better taste by now, I'm sorely disappointed in you."

I almost laughed, hovering next to him, but at the same time I was so far from it. "Oh, I… have."

...Eto saved him.

Eto saved Hide from what I'd done to him, and I called her a monster and tried to kill her. She'd had thousands killed, in vengeance for the lives the CCG had taken.

And now she was dead, and she'd done it to help me, and she'd known- about him-

_ "The only difference between us is that for you, someone made sure it doesn't always have to be that way." _

...Why must everything be so complex?

But staring at Hide, everything seemed to make sense, he shone so bright I could believe there was good in everyone, even me.

"So if you finally realized Takatsuki Sen, uh, fucking sucks, what books completely define your personality now?" He leaned forward, teasing.

I looked down, blushing slightly. "Don't tell, uh, anyone, but I've realized I rather like, uh, romances." I laughed. "Like the really bad paperback ones with no excuse for a plot."

"Kaneki, you're telling me you genuinely enjoy, fucking, harlequins."

I shrugged. "So what if I want to read about dumb easy romance where everything works out fine, Hide, don't judge me."

His face twisted, into a little bit of apology, though I couldn't understand what there would be to feel bad about. 

_ Ah, well… when you put it that way. That's fair. But… anyway-  _

Hide stopped, realizing he'd lapsed into signing, out of habit, and he made an effort to speak aloud again even though I could understand him.

I stared at him, and it came with a hollow guilt, yet again.

"Yeah, well, I've had to be pretty secretive with my identity, since I kind of made myself a target, but some few deviants in the CCG have helped me out. I've gotten, uh, involved, you can tell."

"I- never asked you to-" I said, choked, staring from the scrapes on his face to the bags under his eyes, the costume that was so flamboyant but at the same time hid so much of his body. 

"I decided to get Involved when I was five, Kaneki, don't worry about me now. You're no different to me than you were back then. You just… needed help. A lot of help." He shrugged. "So I got it for you."

My throat constricted, and I opened my mouth, heart beating fast. "I-" I clenched my fists, looking to the side. "Hide, please, what happened- how do you know so much? What's even going on? I'm-" I laughed, but it was a sob, clutching myself. "I'm afraid I've gotten caught up in something I don't understand. But now I suppose I have to fight it, I can't let the people I care about get hurt." And I looked at him, at Hide, his face comforting, patient, politely covered. "I don't know what's right or wrong, all I want is for everyone to be happy, all I want is the truth. But I don't know anything. And I'm so fucking tired, Hide, I'm tired of being unable to do anything."

And I hadn't even realized I'd fallen into his arms- and he was holding me, nodding, smiling with his eyes and I cried.

"I know, I know it's not the only time I've said it but every time I tried something new all I did was play into fate's hands. I tried to be a pacifist and I ended up a murderer, I tried to be strong and ended up weak, I tried to be human and ended up just back here again, not knowing what to do."

I stared at Hide, and there was the greatest vulnerability, for me to look up, and let the black envelop my left eye. 

He could see everything I was.

"I couldn't even keep you safe," I cried, and it was everything, sobbing into his chest. I hadn't realized how utterly desperate I was for touch, even if it made me scared. For anyone else I'd cringe away even if I'd not felt a hand not accompanied by pain in months, I simply couldn't but- here, I wasn't fighting my mind, here, all of me agreed-

There was someone completely safe.

And I wanted it, I needed it, but if I squeezed him too hard I'd break, should I be allowed to touch him-

How was I meant to apologize for something so abhorrent, when I hadn't become any better?

"I've been trying to do what I can, but all I accomplished was another murder on my hands and another father gone. And now I'm what, a  _ king _ ?" 

I spat out the word, in disbelief, in disrespect, clinging to myself.

"A king who can't even fix anything, a king who'll just keep fighting a pointless, losing war because I don't even know what started it and... I only now realize trying to  _ stop  _ was my biggest mistake? How am I supposed to fix this?"

I let out a weighted breath, tired beyond belief. 

"I… I want to be able to help, but I don't even know who I'm fighting. What am I supposed to do now? If I just knew how to make things alright, I'd do anything… but everything I've done has just fucked it up worse." 

I looked up at Hide, like I'd simply asked him to figure out where to go to college, or to help me with my aunt, or how to write an essay or get a date.

I felt like a kid, and I felt a thousand years old, as he knelt right next to me and sheltered me from the world. And he responded with what he'd always fondly referred to as his 'low intelligence high wisdom card'.

"Hey, Ken. Bro. I know this sounds like a really complex problem and all, and I'm sure it must have been absolute hell to go through so long. But I think in my professional opinion you've developed a bit of a fundamental misconception of what you need to succeed."

I blinked, uncomprehending. 

I was missing many things, of course, but would the world really fix itself if I had mental health?

"Huh?"

He rolled his eyes, and he pulled a line straight out of a magical girl anime. "Help, Kaneki. God, it's not rocket science. You need help. From your friends."

At that, I rolled my eyes, smiling in despair. Typical Hide, I'd cry again if he kept this up. "Hide, I don't deserve help. This is my problem, I should fix it myself," I protested, but my hand brushed his sleeve and it made me nearly jump, still realizing he was  _ here _ . "Hide-" My breath caught, almost a laugh. "I never meant to get you caught up in it, what are you doing here? God, oh my fucking god, you're only human, this is a battlefield- if you're alive, I'm begging you to stay that way-" 

I clung to his shoulders and I looked into his eyes, the mask over his face, the very real scars and brushes with death that he was so prone to as a human. There were bruises all over him, scrapes and dirt and evidence of pain, and holy shit, it wasn't ok at all.

"No, I'm trying to protect my friends, not get them hurt too, Hide, I don't have that many left!"

His eyebrows furrowed, and hide breathed in, exasperated. "God, I get it, Kaneki, but if you weren't severely injured I'd slap you across the face." Even as he said it I wavered, having stood up to yell at him, and he grabbed my hand, to steady me. "Everyone needs help, Kaneki. No matter if they're a 'good' or 'bad' person, nothing will ever work if you attempt to do it alone." He laughed, still not a perfect sound, but his nonetheless. "And you've spent most of your life either refusing help from your friends or attempting not to require any friends. But well… look how well that's worked out." He shrugged. "You need other people, and people work better together, maybe if we all fight the same fight we'll all get bruised, but that's so much fucking better than one person keeping the rest without a scratch by getting fucking stabbed."

I… oh shit, well, there was a point.

I cried, unable to wrap my head around the fact that he was right here, that he knew all along, how dreadfully, how intimately he had access to my own mind.

"The last time I accepted help, I thought I'd killed you," I said, voice an ugly croak. "That's what happens when people help me, how could I-"

Hide rolled his eyes.

I didn't fail to notice, how they were purposefully expressive. He still managed to be just as extra, when so much of the rest of his face was covered. And it made me sad, and it made me glad, and I was navigating a situation I'd never dreamed I'd need to understand.

The Hide in my head was only my perception of him. My outdated imagining, an airbrushed version of him in college. But here he was so viscerally real and so vibrantly alive, dynamic. And so many of the parts of him that had faded in my mind had changed.

I hadn't really been seeing him this whole time, had I?

"I'm stronger than I look, Kaneki, I mean, if that didn't take me out, what could?" He leaned close, almost flirtatious. "I've got scars like you now, Kaneki, huh?" But he turned away, as he admitted it. "I'd probably feel bad if I didn't."

"Wh…"

"I got a particularly bad one at the auction raid."

I blinked.

"You were THERE?"

He nodded. "Remember me?" He rummaged in his pockets and pulled out a kind of sack, straightening it out and holding it up. 

The bag with the scarecrow's face on it, the mysterious man at the auction had worn, the one who spoke to me in sign language.

My face grew red. "THAT WAS YOU??"

Hide snickered. "You look rather fetching in a dress, I must say," he said. "Yes, I was there. And… everywhere else. It was slightly hazardous."

"SLIGHTLY???"

"Yeah, but." He shrugged, seeming pleased with himself. "I'm here now, aren't I? And you can't pretend you can't accept help. Cause I've been here the whole time, helping you, and surprise surprise, I haven't died yet."

Holy, motherfucking, fiddlesticks. I reached out, panicking. "Oh god, Hide, I'm sorry I'm so fucking sorry- but you're human and I can't believe you're alive, don't try to tell me I need it now, what good will getting soft do me?" I stared at the ground. "I'm gonna have to go up there and do whatever I need to do, fight whatever I need to fight, I'll destroy the CCG if I have to but I'm the only one who'll be able to, this place is burning to the ground and what if I don't make it before everyone's dead?! I saw that Anteiku and the Quinx are alright, but they won't be for long if I don't stop whatever's supposed to happen here. Yes, I need help, of course I fucking do, but if I accept it, the world will go to shit-"

I turned outward, and clung to the metal bars of the balcony, so fast it caused a dull clang.

The world was still falling to ruins, though I'd killed Arima, there was fire and fighting and blood still spilling, and I wasn't alright, clutching my abdomen trying to hold my organs in place, not knowing if I had enough time to save them all, enough power even if I was the strongest in the world.

" _ Kaneki _ ," Hide interrupted the dark and dreadful noise of the battling ants on the ground. And he placed his hands on my shoulders, looking directly at me. "You don't have to worry about that anymore."

"...Huh?"

“I fixed it. You're all good. You don't have to fight anyone else. You don't have any final boss. I took him out for you."

I blinked, my mouth hanging open.

"What do you m e a n ???"

"All that stuff you said you didn't know how to solve- I figured it out. Now I'm not saying it was easy, but I think we pretty much got to the root of what was causing you all this pain. It was just a couple people, really. You wouldn't believe the conspiracy theory shit going on here. You figured out about the sunlit garden, right?"

I took a second, but when I realized that's what he meant, I tensed, nodding. "Sort of, yeah… you're talking about Arima only being half human, right? Like the opposite of me, I suppose? The CCG using him as a weapon? And there's a lot of them, I think… but… why?"

Hide shrugged. "Some get-rich-quick scheme from the 1800s led to some deep ass shit going on in this place. Experimentation and mutations and such, I think that Doctor Kanou only made the owls and you to try to combat Arima and promote… like… awareness about ghouls?? I feel like there's a better way to do that but. Well. Rize was one of their experiments so you turned out, uh, especially fucked, I think. I don't know science. Arima just decided uno reverse and tried to use you for the CCG so? They both suck, I have to say. That's so incredibly shitty. And uh… this dude Furuta at the top of the CCG? I'm not sure if he was working with the clowns if they were just like, adjacent or something. But  _ he- _ " 

Hide was pointing in like three directions now, getting his hands a bit confused as he looked up at me, apologetic. 

"He, he was trying to like. He wanted to turn you into something wacky so he could have Rize back. Personally, I think you should be in charge of decisions involving your body, though no one else in the world seems to agree with me." He sighed. "So… I guess both sides of the war are kind of pointless and totally fucked at this point, right?"

I nodded, overwhelmed.

"I wanted to help you," he said, friendly, asking nothing, so matter of factly. "So I went on living, Kaneki. I know I'm fragile like an egg, I got myself some strong friends, and I helped them figure out how to stop them without creating any more war criminals. So you didn't kill yourself trying to fix it all on your own."

And my mouth was hanging open, disbelief displayed so blatantly. "H… OW???"

He smirked, raising his eyebrows once. "WEll." 

...He told me.

//Hide flashback part two electric boogaloo//

His friends had come to save me, and well, I'd never thought I was so important.

I could barely breathe, the gore of my face bare to the air, and I reached desperately out as the ghoul had me pinned, mouth open wide at the flesh of my leg.

And all of a sudden there weren't teeth but instead a leg, a really long leg that drop kicked the bitch out of my path.

"Alright, now we're even," Nishiki's voice said, pulling down a hood. And my mouth dropped open, more behind him, a girl with violet hair holding a mask of a rabbit, in the light of fiery wings.

"Hey, sunshine boy, get in, we're going to save the world."

In shock, all I could do was grab my mask on the ground and stare, holding it limp in my hand, because there was like, everyone Kaneki knew, giving me peace signs and smiling.

Huh. I never thought they'd actually come.

It took a second, but I gave Touka a humorous look, owning the state of my face. And Yomo helped me to my feet, unsteady, bruised, without much dignity.

"Am I just that much of a hot commodity to you guys? Jeez, if ghouls keep biting me, eventually I won't have anything left, you know."

She smiled back, and pulled me aside, the rest of Anteiku shuffling in a kind of shield around me. "Yeah, uh, some people just have terrible taste I guess."

I laughed, and though it was an insult, it was honestly quite comforting.

Yo, the ghouls were saving  _ me _ .

And right behind them were a group of kids, all a few years younger than me, with CCG uniforms and kagune at once, one of each kind.

...his quinx squad. With Anteiku. Wasn't that a fun and sexy twist.

They'd begun to fight off the incoming weapons, some human, some ghoul, but as they did it they turned to me, as if in conversation.

"Thought you were dead, Nagachika," Nishiki said, but he seemed relieved.

"Kaneki will be so happy," Touka assured me, "Thank you for contacting me." 

I'd never met the quinx for real, and so I was unsure if they even knew a thing about me, but it seemed as if they'd been filled in.

"Whoa, so you're the infamous Hide," the blonde one said, with a toothy grin, beat up but thriving.

"Ah, so that's what Sasaki meant," the serious looking one raised his eyebrows at me, still without my mask on. And I didn't wonder what he was thinking about, I laughed.

There was a green haired one who looked to be considerably more covered in blood than the rest, looking to me kindly. "It's nice to see there are people that care about sensei, huh?" 

And there was a really short one, with hatsune miku hair down to her ass, and a giant fucking hammer.

And her response to me was probably the funniest.

"I know you!" she pointed at me, eyes wide. "Fucking!! Sunshineboy69420???????"

Oh, wow. Well. That was some coincidence. "Wh- that's me!"

Well, what could I say but I was extremely flattered, as I lay winded in a corner while girls with wings and double S rated ghouls and my best friend's adopted overpowered teenagers fought for me, pushing me towards the front so I could reach for the device that had recorded the secrets of the Washuus while I was busy getting beat to shit.

Oh, and… there it was.

Laying on the floor, scuffed and covered in blood.

For a second, everything was eerily quiet, and the world came into focus, under that blinking red light.

There was no more fighting.

There were bodies, but there were more alive than dead, and with a sudden relief, I saw that… my plan had worked.

Some of the Washuus had been killed, but most had surrendered or fled.

The agents from V and the Clowns and a few of Aogiri had mostly wiped each other out, but it wasn't a massacre, all they did was carry away their injured, subdued, knowing to fight more would only hurt them.

Marude was gone, but Take and Hirako and the pink haired girl were still there, nursing their wounds, and when I asked if he was alright, they said yes, he'd gotten away, and so had the rest- they'd gone to try to help the rest of the good ones.

And there was Furuta, pinned to the floor by the one eyed owl's kagune, severed from her body. From that, a blood trail. Eto wouldn't be surviving that.

I didn't care what she'd done, my heart wanted to grieve her anyway, though she'd said this was exactly what she wanted.

Once she said she envied me, and that was surprising, she didn't even like humans. But I could understand it. She'd never gotten to have peace. She'd never had the chance to be good. I supposed... this was that chance.

And Furuta's eyes were open, his expression one of incredible disbelief, still alive but struggling.

We were standing over him, and I couldn't help but lean down and hold out a hand.

"We can help you, if you're willing to surrender," I said, holding out the still blinking device. "No one will stay loyal to you, but you'll live."

He smiled like he was being bullied. "Damn, not even gonna let me at Kaneki?"

"No<3"

"Hey man, being alive is better than dying with dignity," Nishiki said. 

"You think I'm gonna do that?" He said, miserable. "Well, you're. Absolutely right."

"I'm glad to hear it. We'll come back for you," I said, as bright as I could be.

I let out a breath of relief, but well, it was still a bit early to smile.

Some people just couldn't give up their dignity though, I supposed, and there was a particularly greasy Washuu in the doorway, a quinque gun pointed at the crowd of us, me reaching to pick up the device on the ground that would ruin them all.

"STAY BACK." 

"Oh my god, it's gotta be this guy?" Shirazu rolled his eyes, muttering. "Dude, you're outgunned," he directed towards Matsuri Washuu. 

But the man turned to the black haired one, who was standing stock still.

"Urie!" he looked pathetic, clinging to threads, but he seemed to think the twink with the giant ass koukaku was on his side. "Thank god you're here! You wanted to be promoted, right? Well, I'm in charge now, if you stop him it's all over, there's nothing to prove. I'll make you my own subordinate, preferred status-"

We all looked to him in confusion, standing alarmed. "Are you kidding me, old man?" Touka asked, hand on her hip. "You think he's gonna-"

"Alright," Urie projected over her, within the space of a second a rush of air, a giant fucking blade to my throat, my eyes wide and confused. "Senior class status and a raise, and you've got me."

A triumphant smile. "Done."

My face twisted, in pain and confusion. "Hgh-?!?!" 

"B A B E-" Shirazu screamed in confusion but even with all of them there was too much shock to stop him in time, there was simply the blur of black and then the sight of him calmly walking across the space between us, holding the device in his hand and stopping the recording, standing stiffly next to Matsuri.

"U R I E"

"URIE WHY"

"WHAT THE FUCK KUKI"

"Thank you, Urie," the old man smiled, and for a second I was helpless, as the kid bowed, a calm subordinate smile, making no protest at the man's hand, sliding down his waist.

"You're welcome, sir," he said, but as he looked up his smile twisted, and with absolutely no pretense he shoved his koukaku straight through the man's stomach. "The pleasure is all mine," he said, and laughed.

We all blinked, audibly, as Matsuri Washuu's blood spattered Urie's face, and he let the blade evaporate, shuddering, turning back to us. 

"You know I had to do it to em," he shrugged, and threw the device back at me as the man in the pinstripe suit crumpled to the ground.

I was a bit dumbstruck, but everyone else was loud.

"Holy shit Kuki, I got scared for a second!" Shirazu exhaled, running to him. And Mutsuki gave him a smile that said 'join the club'. 

"We stan a man who knows his priorities," Nishiki held up a finger. 

He smiled, and it was a bit pained, staring at his bloody hand before bringing it to his mouth, licking the thick liquid off. "Well, didn't expect that to taste good."

More confused blinking from the party.

He looked up, tired. "Oh yeah… well, I didn't wanna tell you guys earlier, but uh. Kinda broke frame four back when we fought Noro. Sorry if you guys wanna like. Cancel me. That's fair." 

"U r i e…" The entire squad sighed, exasperated.

I wasn't sure what that meant, but it didn't sound good. "Uh, do you want a bandaid?"

He gave me a scathing look. So did literally everyone else. 

"Shawty bae that means he's pretty much a ghoul now," Saiko said.

"The court hates to see a girlboss winning," Shirazu added

"If you call me a fucking _girlboss_ one more time I'll fucking eat you," Urie said, seeming to accept his situation.

"Good luck fitting me in your mouth, twink."

Urie blushed.

I blinked, as they, went on like that. "Uh… oh." God, I didn't know how biology worked, especially when they threw ~metal~ in there. But they all seemed more happy that they were all alive than Urie's ability to eat pancakes or lack thereof.

"Well, you saved me, so I think you're still valid, princess," Shirazu smiled. "At least Sassan might have some company at breakfast now."

Urie sighed, and let himself fall into Shirazu's arms.

I was shaky and tired, and well, I'd been through a lot in the past few… years, but my breath came in more easy now, as they all looked to me, no one was trying to stop us, as I lead them down the hall towards the main stairs where he was to be.

I had bandaids for everyone in my bag, as soon as this was over.

//Haise/Kaneki//

After he finished telling me, he looked up, with an awkward expression. "A long time ago… you wanted to stop the war, didn't you? You were 'the only one in both worlds'?" He laughed, following up when he saw my expression. "Yeah, uh… you have no idea how many times I was so not asleep when you and Yoshimura talked around my bed. When Nishiki beat the shit out of me, you know. But well, bygones are bygones or whatever. I wanted to help you with that. Even though I knew you didn't believe it anymore.""

I laughed back, hollow, pained. "Yeah, well. I've moved on to more realistic goals. Just trying to keep everyone safe for now. Try to live. I'm no god."

Hands in his pockets, he turned to me, and his eyes were full, soft with wisdom, so familiar and human.

"Well, why don't you just ask them to stop fighting?"

I couldn't suspend utter disbelief, and right then, I almost laughed.

"Do you think they'd stop?? I've been screaming for them to since I was a kid. No one's going to listen, it's not the way I'd like it to be but even if those guys are dead… does it really make a difference? I've pretty much grown disillusioned with being the chosen one or whatever. It never means anything good, the real world isn't like that."

"Why not?" He shrugged. "Neki, I got you covered. The only reason 'the world is like that' is because of a system they built. Once it's gone, obviously there are reparations to be made, but it doesn't have to continue."

"...well, what am I supposed to tell them? It's kinda hard to believe, Hide."

He sighed. "Well, the CCG doesn't have any leaders left that want to keep fighting like this. And Aogiri's leader is gone, she planned it that way. She's been preaching about your arrival heralding hope for the ghouls all over the bestseller list. As soon as they realize neither of them have a better commander than you- why shouldn't they listen?"

"I'm not special like you seem to think, Hide," I sighed. 

He looked at me, for a long time, the oddest urge to laugh in the air. "Kaneki, I don't know how to tell you this, but you're the  _ king _ . The one eyed king. Trust me, they'll listen to you."

That snagged at my heart, suddenly, my mouth fallen open.

I had all the power to end the war.

That easily, right there, this boy made of sunshine carefully placing a gleaming crown of forgotten dreams in my hands and embracing me tight.

"We're almost home, Ken. I promise," he said, holding the place where I hurt ever so gingerly on the cutting board of my body- scarred and bloody, beaten, falling apart. And though there was nothing there, he smiled. 

I thought my heart had long since been torn from my chest, but there it was, beating, surging in an agony of hope. 

"We've still got to fix this all, but you have us all holding you up this time. Everything will get better, it's not optional."

"...Oh. So that's what the quinx meant," I said, laughing.

_ You've done your part for us, maman. Now it's your turn for therapy. _

"Yeah… promise you'll listen this time," Hide said, my face buried in his shoulder.

And he held out a hand, as I stared up at his form, with his ridiculous scarecrow getup, his fluffy hair, the smallest hint of a scar poking out from the top of his mask and his eyes worlds older. There, forcing me to realize I was not alone, in my world or my pain. The world blurred as hot tears mingled with the dirt red grime on my face, and night ended, as right behind his head, the sun broke the horizon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you know urie had to do it to em 
> 
> ok uh kaneki comforted check, trust me we'll get to Hide and we'll get to the hide face reveal and shit but they're in the middle of a battle rn so mostly all we needed was hide pep talk atm they'll kiss in a bit


	16. Hi Going To Kill You, I'm Dad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So Hide's telling Kaneki he can just get Aogiri to T pose around the CCG until they give up the hostages, right, and everyone's totally on board with this plan, but Kaneki has no idea how he's supposed to pull this off, so that's the perfect time for Hide to mention he fixed some other stuff too, and every other character I love makes an appearance as everything works out in perfect "this is the one part i wrote this whole fic for" sequence. Everyone's here!! Even quite a few of the ones you thought were dead!! Takizawa! Amon! Naki!! Koma and Irimi! Juuzou and Akira! Hinami and Yoriko!! Gay people real??? Also Hide and Kaneki adopt kids not clickbait??? Two more chapters to go shawties

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> god this is not proofread, have fun with that  
> also what's up might be developing a tpn hyperfixation so after this is done look out for a possible holy shit emma make a better promise challenge fic but like hhhhh also in the works for me:  
> -shorter fics where I fix shit later in the canon after the dragon thing  
> -Uta making Hide a vibing mask and psychoanalyzing him  
> -Naki is wonderful and underdeveloped and he has Nine Children so we talk about that  
> -maybe Takizawa time? I love him so much

//Haise/Kaneki//

Just like that, it was that easy. Really that easy, when my whole life was built around the thought that it was impossible.

Peace was in reach.

Peace between humans and ghouls, as I stood in the midst of it, once again straddling the bridge between the two.

Hide held my hand, on the top floor of a mansion, a room with a ceiling of glass, a balcony facing the front entrance, the stairs I'd walked so heavy still with blood.

And in a circle around us were a heterogeneous group of ghouls, humans, and quinx, looking at me and Hide like royalty.

"You have to excuse Kaneki, he's rather stunned at the moment," Hide said to the group at large, and I smiled.

Saiko looked up, from opposite of me in the circle, her pigtails singed. "Well, go on, maman, introduce us!"

Urie nodded, looking about. "Yeah, we were too running away for our lives to get properly acquainted with all your friends from ye olde ghoul times, all of us need a bit of context."

Taken aback, I swallowed and nodded, eyes still wide. 

Well, I'm sure he didn't mean for me to introduce myself, but I did it anyway, and it felt right, after so much had changed so fast.

"Oh, well, for… anyone who might not know, I'm… Haise… Ken… Sasaki… Kaneki…" And a strangled laugh came from my mouth at the confusion.

Hide looked pointedly at me. "Shawty bae, that is So many names."

"Keep complaining and I'll add more," I smiled, nearly giddy.

"Pfft. Ah, well, of course. If you must, I suggest, uh, Marissa."

"Alright guys, I'm Haise Ken Marissa Sasaki Kaneki."

"Hi, Haise Ken Marissa Sasaki Kaneki," they all chorused, like kids. And well, I think we were all devoid of maturity at that moment.

Looking down, I was aware of my hair on the edge of every shade between white and black, dark with blood, white coat gone.

"And I'm a half ghoul."

Everyone clapped, like it was alcoholics anonymous or something.

"Alright, now for everyone else," Urie said, his voice edged with sarcasm.

"Ah, well-" I didn't know where to start, and… I landed on Touka. "That's, um, Touka. You saw her in the cafe a while back, but as you suspected, she's um, a ghoul."

Touka crosses her arms. "Alright, I see I'm introducing myself, idiot. I took over the cafe we made as a sanctuary for ghouls after the battle of Anteiku, with Yomo here. We're generally trying to work towards peace. I met Kaneki when he'd just been turned, he was a real nerd back then."

"That implies he's not still a nerd," Nishiki chimed in. He was all the same as before, except maybe softer in some way.

"Oh, and uh, this is Nishiki."

"Sorry for kind of shanking you all back there," Nishiki followed up. He pulled one hand out of his pocket to shake Shirazu's, in greeting.

"No hard feelings, bro, I've gotten shanked many a time."

Yomo kind of waved, but that seemed to kind of be all he wanted to do.

Banjo was there as well, and he looked the most awkward of the bunch, trying not to look intimidating. "Um, yo," he said, in an awkward sort of stance. "I knew Kaneki's tentacles. I think we should all get along," he said, absolutely mortified.

"I… uh, don't know any of the rest of them," I admitted. The cafe seemed to have picked up some new recruits as it had lost old ones. There was a boy about sixteen, with bright green hair and a koukaku that appeared to act as a kind of souped up cane. And there was that girl the same age as the quinx Saiko really seemed to like, Ana.

They introduced themselves, and though they were ghouls, the quinx were kind and friendly- eager, even.

So I turned to them, realizing that my ghoul friends hadn't met them either.

"Uh, yeah, I was assigned to mentor the quinx squad because of obvious reasons, but they're basically my kids now, if any of you try to hurt them I'll make you sure you're never heard from again."

"Are you telling me that you got responsibility and  _ matured _ ?" Touka asked, skeptical, but smiling.

"I'm just as surprised as you," Hide smiled.

The rest of them seemed to notice he was here, and Saiko was the first to point at him. "OH YEAH THE MAN!! MAMAN?? Mind giving us an explanation for why you know my online friend???"

I blinked, and I blinked again, and I turned to Hide.

"Oh yeah," He laughed, at my side. "Your kid has absolutely poggers based opinions about fnaf lore."

"H u h"

I turned from Saiko to Hide and back again, and grew soft, subdued.

"Oh, uh… I suppose I haven't introduced him yet- quinx, this is…" I took a breath, still astounded I could be here. "...this is Hide."

Audible blinks from the squad.

Mutsuki's face was comical confusion. "WHAT??? TEA???" He turned to Shirazu, amused, who put the pieces together.

"S h a w t y b a e y o u s a i d h e w a s d e a d"

"YOU'RE TELLING ME I KNEW YOUR LONG LOST BEST FRIEND AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THAT HE WAS ALIVE UNTIL TEN MINUTES AGO???"

Urie nodded, seeming to have figured this out on his own somehow.

"I'm glad to see that I'm a celebrity," he laughed, leaning down to shake hands with all the kids.

"I gotta ask, my dude,  _ why _ , are you wearing a kimono," Shirazu raised his eyebrows.

"What, can't a guy pay respects to traditional culture in ridiculously patterned fabrics to battle?" Hide said, rolling his eyes and crossing his arms in jest.

Shirazu laughed, turning to the squad. "I like this guy. Absolute chad."

The rest of them met with him, and thankfully, Urie kept his goddamn mouth shut about Hide's mask, which he'd been eyeing in an unnerving way. Mutsuki was shy, but appeared actually quite happy with him.

And Saiko and him- well, they were getting along quite well already.

"Kaneki, Kaneki help I think I'm dad," he confessed, as Saiko made fun of every aspect of his appearance. "Help Kaneki, the child has attached to me, I'm sorry, I'm a father now," he wheezed out, and within minutes, the girl was on his shoulders, smiling wide and slumping tiredly.

It was the most cathartic thing in the world.

"So what are we all going to do?" Touka said, looking up to me, and the world was so disorientingly different all at once. "Hide got the CCG officers on our side, and we have a bunch of hybrid kids here, how do we go forward?"

Everyone seemed to remember they were there all of a sudden, and we turned awkwardly to the officers that were, honestly, standing there just as awkwardly. And we grouped together again.

"Oh yeah, uh, Kaneki, I'm sure you know Marude and squad zero, actually," he laughed, turning to me.

There was Special Class Marude, looking slightly uncomfortable but content- and he'd been staring at all of us the whole time. And then there was Arima's squad- Take, Hirako, and Ihei.

My mouth was dry, and I didn't know what to say, because I did know them, but not… like this, not with my being of black and white and grey bared, in the arms of a mosaic of their enemies. 

Marude was in just about the same position, and he could not help but look nervous of the ghouls behind me, but he smiled, after a time.

"Well, it is a bit of a change," He gestured, standing stiffly. "Not… Haise Marissa whatever whatever Kaneki Nagachika-" He shrugged, but cutting himself off, he held up his hands. "Oh well don't get me wrong, I support all my ell gee bee tee kyeww employees, whether you're a Juuzou," He trailed off, to see the gaping looks on everyone's faces. Touka snorted.

"W- wh-" I turned red, holding up my hands. "I didn't mean- well, I am, uh… definitely something, in that area, but I don't think that's what they meant-???"

Hide's eyes were wide. "Wait whoa whoa whoa what was that last one-"

Marude was silent for a bit, looking between us. "Uh… I thought you two must be, um… well…" He gestured vaguely, confused and uncomfortable. "Isn't that like? A ghoul thing?"

Hide and I exchanged confused glances, but Touka was laughing to an insane degree. She grabbed my shirt, whispering " _ We'll talk about this later _ " into my ear.

Well. Um. Ok.

"Uh, well… anyway, I accept you guys!! Whatever it is!! I was hesitant to work with ghouls to begin with… But the line has blurred so much it hardly matters anymore. Things are different now, everyone's getting all progressive and I'm behind it, you know?" He looked fondly to Hide, who stood taller, proud of himself.

"I bullied him into it," Hide held up a finger, and I wondered just how much he'd done for me.

He nodded. "I didn't get it at first, but looking at you guys? It's hard not to see you're just… kids," he laughed. 

"Thanks," Touka said, sarcastically.

He smiled, somewhat scared of her. "Aah, well I wouldn't want to make a pact with the one eyed owl or anything. But most things can be forgiven."

I nodded, tiredly. "Yeah, that's understandable. I wouldn't expect you to accept someone like that, but you have to understand so many of us are like that because of what the CCG did."

"That's what I've been TELLING him!" Hide shouted, waving his hands around.

"Give the old man a rest, Nagachika, I'll get there," he grumbled, good natured. "If you kids can get it so that people stop killing each other, I think that's wonderful, I'll accept new ideas. We all need to take responsibility or whatever. But that takes us to the point. There were a number of us at the CCG who knew the ruling family was corrupt, and I think I had to realize they were exploiting children when they approved the quinx surgery." He turned to my squad, in sympathy. "I apologize for what you have been through, from what I heard it's all untested and I'll try to compensate you all duly, especially first class Urie."

Urie didn't seem too worried, though by the smell of him he'd broken frame four. "Hell yeah."

Marude turned to me. "I should have seen it earlier, but I couldn't take it anymore when I saw how special class Arima was treating you."

I drew back, still feeling odd when my hands were dirty with Arima's blood. "I-"

Hirako, leaning on Marude's shoulder, waved me away before I could attempt to defend my actions. "No, your majesty… it's truly alright. Someone had to do it. Arima would end the world if the Washuu ordered him. We need better leaders, and we'll be grateful to serve you."

I tensed, unused to the sudden respect from officers of a higher rank than I, especially not the sudden terms of literal royalty attached to it, but after a second I sighed out and relaxed my shoulders, nodding, heavy.

"Well… I never expected to be asked to do this kind of thing, but… I've been told I can.," I stared upwards, shy and trembling and clinging to a friend I'd known when I lived in a completely different world. "To be honest, to all of you… I'm no king."

"But you have one eye! And that's all that matters," Hide butted in, and the familiarity of his humor in the face of seriousness made my life worthwhile again.

Hirako nodded at me, respectful. "Well, that's quite alright. And we'll be all the counsel you need if you'll hear us. From holding high positions, anyway. Strategy, leadership. The ghouls will recognize you as their leader even if you don't seem quite regal."

And they all looked to me, as if I could give orders, as if I had any idea as to what to do. 

"So what would you have us do?"

My eyes went wide and I looked around the room, everyone-

"I just want to fix everything, if I can get them to just stop and listen-" And now that there were options, miraculously the answers were in place. "...Since… the Washuus are gone, the CCG has no command left but you-" 

"Yes, well, I'm quite certain they'll just see us as traitors," Marude shrugged, and clutched his side. "And I'm in no shape to yell at a bunch of soldiers right now, I"m in shape for a hospital."

Touka caught my attention, shaking me by the shoulders. "Kaneki, if you have reign over the ghouls you can command Aogiri, right? With the doves all fucked like they are, it wouldn't take anything to overtake them and- we could get Hinami and Yoriko!"

I stared in a tired desire to help, but I was barely more than brain dead at that point.

But Shirazu crossed his arms. "Hey, uhm, hey mamas lesbian, whatever your name is- Sassan said he doesn't want no violence, and I think honestly that's achievable. If what the special class guys are saying is right, we could just get enough people to t-pose around them menacingly. And boom, children de hostaged. No more murder. Everyone can get along with some light threatening."

And I smiled, wide with eyes weighed down by shadows. "Yes, I think that's- I think that's perfect. I… think we need to ensure the safety of the rest of our loved ones first- special class, you have to find the rest of your squad still, right? That should be a priority. And I… worry for Juuzou and Akira. Both of them. Hide told me they had been reassigned halfway through."

Mutsuki's eyes widened, and he was visibly relieved, before becoming worried again. "Yes, please, we should do that!"

We tensed, realizing how urgent it was. There was no guarantee that anyone we didn't see right before us was alive. Marude's squad nodded, and went the other way, while we turned to each other, tired and ready for action again.

But Hide held up a hand, his eyes expressive and bright.

"Oh, I dealt with that too. They'll be ok, I made sure."

Everyone around him blinked.

"Yeah," He turned to me, amiable. "Hey, do you remember Amon?"

I pinched myself once again, dizzy, sure I was in a dream. But nothing happened, and I looked up, into the very real world. Dawn made the night seem fucking ridiculous, huh?

And it was surreal, as we raced down the steps and to the basement, Hide leading the way, and things just got more and more like a fever dream, as the curtains opened on three people I knew, one in the present, one in the past, one thought dead.

Akira Mado, in her fighting uniform, strands of platinum hair plastered across her face as she lay bleeding on the ground. 

Takizawa, the second owl I'd fought back at the auction battle, with a wild whitened mane and an Aogiri cloak obscuring his wretched form.

And

Koutarou Amon.

_ A diary washed out with dust, ending abruptly, in rescinding his forgiveness. _

_ I was just a kid, and I'd never seen a quinque _

_ My tears and the singe of hunger at my senses _

_ And I was the only one who understood it was wrong _

_ He almost seemed to know, with my blood in his mouth _

_ But I didn't stay forgivable for long _

_ He chopped the kagune from my back and ripped the scream from my mouth _

_ And he remembered why he fought ghouls because I was such a monster _

_ He wouldn't let me by  _

_ And there was hate and understanding in his eyes _

_ I killed him _

I didn't kill him.

He was standing tall with his ever present cross clutched in his hand around his neck, a long black cloak, and… one pupil as blood red as the single eye he'd stared into years ago and proclaimed sin.

...How was it that nothing could surprise me anymore?

"It seems everyone you meet nowadays is a one eyed ghoul, huh?" Hide turned to me and said, and somehow that was funny.

The man who was undeniably Amon and so different from him at once was the only one standing, both of the others injured on the ground. But neither of them were very accepting of it.

Akira's breath was audible from this far away, struggling to get up, and Takizawa was about the same, drenched in blood but trying to stand for what didn't look like the first time.

"Tch… Amon, I never asked for your goodie two shoes bullshit. There's no use trying to be good now. At least I know I'm the scariest thing I could think of, it's better than being scared anymore."

Amon's face was determined, righteous like it always had been, but lined with experience in shadows under his eyes. "Seido, you'll do no good trying to harm anyone else. You've already seen you're still not all powerful even the way you are?" His voice came from under that hood, and it was really him, the same man who'd preached peace to me when I had the same panic as Takizawa a thousand years ago, in the battle for Cochlea.

I could sense the fierce ball of hatred and fear within the half ghoul who'd once cut me open, all tangled in a great, messy knot.

"Takizawa-san- please-" Akira reached out, weak.

He lashed out fast, kagune at his shoulder similar to Eto's, Yoshimura's. And he was powerful, fast, his reactions way too fast, I knew that myself. But he was even faster, somehow, spilling his blood across the floor.

Injured by whom was the question- who else could be strong enough to hurt him that badly, who still remained alive in the world? After Arima, Furuta, Eto, and I...

Who had done that?

"Stop fighting like this, you're only hurting yourself."

"WELL WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO,  _ DIE?" _ He spat into Amon's face and wrenched free of his arm, fast, a bird of prey taking that koukaku and slicing the arm straight from its source, landing on the other side of the room. ""Don't FUCKING TOUCH me."

Amon didn't flinch, and respectfully, with his remaining arm he let go of Takizawa, holding it up in sign of cooperation. "Please let Mado-san alone, Seido. She's done nothing to you."

Takizawa was weakened, and it was clear.

"...Seido, I apologize," Akira said, with difficulty. "I did not try harder to find you. I gave up, assumed you were dead. I'm sorry. I can't blame you for what's been done to you, I would have before. You are justified in your hatred." 

My mouth fell open.

_ Akira was looking at me with disdain, only giving me a chance because I was smiling. _

_ "You need to stop being so lenient on ghouls, Haise." _

_ She was sniping me from the top of a building, as I screamed for her help. _

_ "I said that was all you needed to know. You're not-" _

_ When she finally forgave me, when I screamed for her to say my real name. _

_ An embrace, and a smile, acceptance. _

Oh, the world was alright, and she was forgiving him, the owl who'd been wrecked even worse than I.

Amon nodded, and he looked like he'd been through the wringer, just as much as the rest of… us.

Kanou. Kanou did this. But it made me almost relieved, to know I was not alone.

Takizawa was pained, and he threw a hand in the air, legs unsteady. "I'm not in the business of being kind. I take what I can get," he laughed. "I get fed in Aogiri. Doves'll just kill me like I was never one of them if I let them. It's not like it's a choice anymore."

Amon turned, and he looked from Hide, to me. "I know. Seido, I know. But I think there's a way to fix this." 

Hide waved to him, and I'd given up on asking questions. "Yo, Amon-kun, sorry to interrupt- I brought Kaneki, it's all worked out. He wants to know where Suzuya is, and if Mado's ok."

Amon's eyes darted to Akira, and he nodded. "She'll be fine if I can get Seido under control." He smiled, a serious, small thing. "I think we'll be alright. We've been through a lot together." 

But then he looked towards the door, the other way out. "Oh, and as for Suzuya. I… he dealt us quite a large amount of damage. Seido kept trying to fight back but once Juuzou realized who he was fighting, I think he felt really bad. He's mellowed out from what he used to be, though he's gotten even stronger. I'm glad. I told him to go, but I'd like to talk to him if he wants to, eventually. I assure you, wherever he is, he's unharmed."

I nodded, eyes somewhat vulnerable, clutching my own to my chest. 

"Alright well… the clowns have scattered, as have the remaining Washuus," I said, understanding at once what could be done. "Amon… is Kanou here?"

He nodded back, and I was far too tired to gloat that he shared the same pain now. There was nothing but the need to recover, in some way or another.

"Well, there's no reason for you to follow him anymore. The order's gone, I think he's done for. I'm going to try to negotiate a truce with the CCG."

He seemed to take that well, and he looked down to Takizawa, stunned and disheveled but no longer fighting. He raised his eyebrows, at Amon.

"Alright, purist. If you must have it this way, would you be mad if I killed him?"

He sighed, and held out his hand, the one that remained, knowing the other would grow back. "I'll go with you." 

And Takizawa stared at it for a long time, like he didn't know what it was for.

Cautiously, he reached out his black nailed, knotted hand, and took Amon's. And it was visible how tight he held it, knuckles white, in all the blood.

Amon met my eyes for a second, and gave me a nod.

"We'll talk, eyepatch," he said, though I hadn't worn one in years. "When it's all over."

They left, and Akira stood, as well as she could, eyes following their retreating forms, to me, away again.

"I'm going to follow them," she said, and it was a statement. There was a lot we needed to talk about too, obviously, but… well, it was good enough right now to know she nodded at me, approving. That was for later.

...There was a 'later' for us. For Akira and I, when she surely knew I'd… among other things, murdered Arima in cold blood. 

I just looked to Hide, set to my default once again.

",,,wh,,, what do?" I asked, giving up.

He found that humorous, as they all gathered around. "You just wanted to try to make a big announcement right? To the guys at the front committing all the war crimes?"

I shuddered. "Is there even a chance they're still alive? The hostages? They killed one already- what if-"

"It's alright, Kaneki, calm down-" he reached out toward me. "That one was their warning. That sucks obviously, but they said they'd give all the ghouls till the sun rose completely. Overt text, shawty." He looked up, the windows that were growing lighter. "Yeah, if we can get you out to the ground without being detected fast enough, we're good. It's through the front like you were trying to open up for them, right?"

I nodded, and everyone confirmed that they were ready to go, anxious. So, we followed Hide, as he fiddled with something beneath his mask and went silent, pointing us forward.

We slunk through the shadows and the echoes of continuing battle, as the sky became gradually lighter. And Hide turned to me, holding up his hands. 

_ Boy am I glad that you know ASL for some reason. Be quiet. _

At that, I was guilty, and proud. 

_ Lead the way.  _ I lapsed into signing myself, silent. I looked behind me and everyone else was staring blankly, but that would be alright, as long as the two of us could talk.

It took longer than expected to make our way to the front, and we were almost seen far more times than was healthy. Even once I'd had to whip out a tentacle at light speed to pull Hide behind a column before a blade caught him flying. But we made it, and tired to the bone, I looked up and raised a hand to my forehead, to the sun peeking over the horizon, the white coats standing on the ground.

And they helped me onto the platform overlooking the property, but I nearly fainted, scared and tired.

I'm not all that loud, really.

Hide had the solution though, pulling a speaker from who knew where, handing it to me.  _ I stole it from the commanders <3 _

I took it and exhaled a shaking breath. Well alright, I hoped that would be enough. For a second there was panic. Shit shit shit was I supposed to blow the fucking airhorn? I'd rather die. Shit.

"Oh, give it here," Hide rolled his eyes and blew the horn.

Well, that would do it for you.

It wasn't complete silence, by all means, and not everyone stopped fighting, but a lot of people did.

There were heads that turned, weapons that lowered, and a thousand eyes on me. 

I was so out of my element it was funny. So I took a deep breath, and spoke as loud as I could.

"Attention, everyone. There is no point in continuing to fight. The leaders of both Aogiri Tree and the Commission of Counter Ghoul are dead or have surrendered."

Well, it solicited a reaction, anyway. I clenched my jaw and kept going. 

"The one eyed owl, the ghoul Eto Yoshimura, is dead, along with the highest ranking officials in Aogiri, including the SSS Noro. Along with that, the ruling Washuu family of the CCG was attacked in a failed coup at the hand of Furuta Nimura, who has as of now surrendered.

"There is no one left to order you.

"To the humans… I can't tell you to love me, but if you'd like someone to believe, I'm here. Haise Sasaki, Assistant Special Class," I said, like reciting my rank would do anything. "There's really no one else left- all leadership was infested with half humans, claiming otherwise and taking advantage of the system"

Hide handed me the recording device and pressed into the slot of the speaker, playing the recorded confession of Furuta to the Washuus.

_ "Monster? You believe I am the monster when you feed on the corpses of your fallen soldiers?" _

_ "They die for the greater good, but you want what- you just want power? Status? Recognition? We have that all, and we will continue to keep it that way-" _

_ "Wrong. Would you believe me if I said I just wanted to be happy? I just wanted Rize back? But just because she was a normal ghoul- _ "

I cut the recording off. That was enough.

They hadn't seemed quite inclined to believe me anymore, since the whole traitor thing, but in those voices, everything was laid bare and as much as they would ever believe, it looked like they did?

"The entire reason you fought is the perpetuation of a broken system for profit, and there is nothing left of what kept it that way. So abandon it and listen to me- if you want to," I added, always softening even in an attempt to be strong.

I didn't think I wanted to stop doing that, even though I remembered a time when I hadn't.

"And to the ghouls, I am also here, I am also Kaneki Ken, rate triple S, and I have killed the strongest man in the world." 

I looked to the ground, expression tired. 

"I am your one eyed king."

God help me, I thought, but Hide was right there.

"There's no need for ghouls to live in constant fear, violence, and oppression- and just as in the book written by your former leader, I will attempt to create a haven for ghouls as well. I feel it is possible for both to get along, and I say this because I am made of both."

I came out of my trance, as the words left my mouth.

Oh shit, people were looking at me. I was. Saying things.

I swallowed nervously. "Oh, well, uh, only if you, uh, want to-"

But ridiculously, as the dawn turned from gauzy pink to golden blue, bodies rose, metaphorical flags and the order of white and black intermixed. Hide kind of pushed me forwards, towards the front of the crowd, where a large front of dark clad ghouls began to emerge, rushing up the stairs and right up to us, turning to the others.

"It's true- the bodies of the one eyed and the white reaper are both right in there- and the battle scene where the reaper fell has several parts of kagune." They looked at each other, and jaw set, one shot out a koukaku, pointing it at my chest. "Show us your kagune and we'll believe you!"

Tired, I glanced down, realizing what they'd seen would most likely resemble Eto's, as the natural mask kakujas were capable of growing over their faces.

I let out a darkened, lithe wisp from my back, put a hand over my face as it hardened, prone to more spikes than before.

It caught my hair as the material hardened, and I realized with a start it almost resembled a crown upon my head.

I was caught in a pensive stare, but as I stood, the ghouls, all one by one… fell to their knees.

Oh, wow, I wasn't sure if I liked that.

More and more came, and then I realized it was most of Aogiri, the other splinter groups, even a few rogue CCG officers

There was a group that came up, and they dropped black cloaks to reveal white suits, one of the few groups of ghouls that resisted the color coding.

The sight was both comforting and terrifying, for I would never be able to separate that outfit from the man who broke me.

But he was never going to be there, and the one that stood there was only Naki, with a short girl with purple braids, holding his hand.

"Hey, I don't like you," he pointed at me. "Cause of what you did to big bro." He crossed his arms, and his expression was stubborn, eyes heavily underlined, blonde hair slicked back. "Do you really think something like this would work? Bout us all sticking together or something. You think if we all team up now, we can just? Peer pressure the doves? Why no murder??" He pouted.

I shrugged. It was nice that he wasn't treating me any differently, honestly. "Well… if you can just intimidate them enough to stop, there's no need to get anyone else killed." I shook my head. "I understand wanting revenge. But." I curled inward. "That's what I wanted too."

Yamori hurt me, but when I killed him, Naki cried.

He blinked about fifteen times, unevenly.

I knew he was about to say something like Yamori wasn't a bad guy, I swear- but… it never came out of his mouth. His face scrunched up in pain, realization.

"Pain just causes more pain, and although it's justified for you to hurt others because they hurt your others, it'll just… keep going that way. They'll cry just like you."

"Well damn, when you put it that way." He crossed his arms, but he turned to his bodyguards, who looked at him with such softness. And he smiled, looking at them with newfound appreciation. "Yeah, come on, let's go, Gagi, Guge- we've got a new big bro! He's a bit of a sissy, but you know he is really strong. Maybe I wouldn't mind sitting in circles making flower crowns, now, huh?"

Bittersweet feeling churned at my heart at the thought of that.

Amidst the black and red of Aogiri, the dark cloaks of the others, there were many people I recognized- Touka's brother Ayato, Hinami's friends, even people I'd previously fought. But of the ones to come to me…

...the two that appeared standing tall in front of me were the ones I least expected.

A tall woman and a short man, and they took off their masks, smiling.

A tear fell from my eye.

"I thought you- Koma- Irimi-san- I-"

"Hey, calm down, kid, I'm durable," Koma joked, somewhat worse for the wear but very much alive, very much not the corpse I could have sworn I'd seen in the snow.

"But I- SAW you-"

Irimi put a hand on my shoulder. "It's alright Kaneki, have you considered we all dress the same, have similar body types, and wear the same mask? It's for a reason. We don't want them to know which ones we are. Yes, a lot of good people did die in that battle," she nodded. "But thanks to you? We weren't two of them."

I…

Saved them. I saved them I saved them I saved them and it hadn't all been for nothing, it hadn't, I hadn't made the wrong choice-

Somehow I felt stupid now, for thinking I'd be following honorably in their footsteps, to die fighting Arima.

They'd never want that. I'd been delusional.

And they were  _ right here. _

They embraced everyone left from the old Anteiku, and there were tears, from  _ Touka _ , from fucking  _ Nishiki- _

"It's good to be back," Irimi smiled. "To babysit you all again."

Koma tipped his mask at me, as the both of them motioned their guys to join the growing group piling around the CCG's hostage stronghold. "Oh, and long live the king. Though," Koma sized me up, "I still think I, as the devil ape, beat you in importance."

"Of course," I said, and broke to pieces smiling.

And with the humans in disarray, there were ghouls of every ilk, crowding around the CCG, with a triumphant confidence. Following more and more, simply standing in solidarity around the humans that still held their hostages- shouting, scared, looking for a way out.

One of the older ones shouted. "Men, we have to stop this- uh- who's in charge? None of the commanders are coming in on my receiver!"

"It's because they're cowards, old man!" A teenage girl in Aogiri jeered. "Give it the fuck up!" And everyone rallied around her, laughing.

The officer looked stupid, and everyone below him knew it. 

"Hey, I'm not listening to you, you're only a senior investigator- but where are the officials? I don't know the protocol on this!?" 

"But the recording said about the Washuu family-?!"

"Who's the highest ranking one here- someone- uh-" there was a scramble, and as I frantically tried to keep up. "Uh- oh god, I can't believe I'm saying this- Suzuya?!"

My eyes widened, and I looked towards the crowd's attention, jaw dropping.

It was Juuzou, holding his scythe with the blade folded in so it wouldn't hurt anybody. His eyes were lined with dark circles but he was alert, clips still firmly holding his hair in place. He must have gotten out from the basement, just in time to make it back to the main unit.

"Ah- yes, what?" He asked, looking up.

"You're the only special class we got left, Suzuya! How do we stop those traitors and ghouls?!" Another agent yelled, grabbing his shoulders. 

"Oh, am I in charge of the CCG now?" He laughed. "That is so poggers!!"

Everyone just sort of looked at each other, in desperate disappointment. "Well, you're by far the strongest, what should we do?"

He blinked, and he blinked again, looking back up at me. "Why, do what he says, of course? He's not lying, everyone's leaders got killed. And his ideas are kinda based? I don't think we should keep murdering people like this. That was really mean. The CCG isn't like, the cops, we're supposed to keep peace between humans and ghouls, right?"

No one seemed willing to tell him that they were, in fact, basically the police. But he looked up at me, and my mouth stayed wide as the crisp morning air frose me still, like that.

"Besides, I trust you, Haise! What should we do?"

I looked to Hide, and back at Juuzou, dumbstruck. "Uh, well, I think we should organize a treaty. Between humans and ghouls. That we could agree to stop killing each other."

"But ghouls are always going to kill people, you eat us!" A CCG officer shouted.

Touka took charge, pushing me aside. "Not if you don't make us! A lot of us do perfectly fine with your suicide victims, the casualties you already create in battle. You feed us in Cochlea somehow, and yet they never go out on the street and murder someone to feed war criminals! Riddle me that liberals. I'm sure we can work something out."

The battlefield was full of 'oh shit she has a point', and well, I'd say that was a good sign. They still held the hostages between the two hundred or so officers, on the high ground, and we were far from convincing everyone, but as the world stood at a stalemate, three more people crashed the party, to throw the balance off yet again.

Akira, Takizawa, and Amon, all leaning on each others' shoulders, weary, bloodstained, triumphant. They stood unrepentant, the two half ghouls making no move to disguise their faces, opposite eyes black. 

Many of the soldiers recognized them, and it caused an uproar- whispers, shouts, outrage and concern- but Akira quickly shut it down.

"Suzuya is right. We are an organization meant to keep peace between the races, and we've become unnecessarily cruel. So under your old regime, would you mindlessly slaughter the ones who you used to live and work beside? Your most trusted friends, most respected officers, if they were a ghoul?" She turned to me, and once again, I clutched my chest, in pain. "I apologize, Haise. You never had a choice, and neither did they."

She looked to see the two of them, and Takizawa was frightened beyond measure, looking into the sun, the humans looking upon him. But Amon stood, and beside him, it seemed enough.

I'd love to speak with them some time.

Akira looked to the CCG, who looked straight back at her, and to the hostages they held in quinque steel.

Hinami was one of them.

"I have… someone I need to apologize to."

The spell lifted from the officers, and they turned to each other, conferring quietly slowly, lowering their weapons, still staring at the ghouls perfectly willing to go apeshit if they were provoked.

There were so many hostages, but quietly, the older officers nodded, and loosened their grasp, looking to Juuzou, to Akira, to me.

"So what's this truce?"

"We can shake on it," I said, and as everyone seemed to want me to be the one to speak for them, I held out a hand.

Juuzou walked forward. (Juuzou! Juuzou was in charge?? Juuzou had the authority to do this??? I'm dying) He smiled up at me, and I down at him, as he clasped his small hand around mine. 

"Peace," I said, and he was like "Yeah." And Saiko, Mutsuki, and Shirazu cheered, telling us it would be cooler if it was a high five instead. 

This was a fever dream, I swear to god.

It came slow, but the sun rose, and the children were unshackled. They were loud, and they ran to their parents, friends, the ghouls and the humans and the same that were not children. Hunami, hovering in indecision, then running to me and hugging me tight, calling me onii-chan until I cried.

Yoriko was confused but utterly accepting, to Touka, and then came the most awkward confession I'd ever heard, of love and ghoulhood, an apology and a promise and Yoriko scolding her for forcing herself to eat that food all those years.

But some of them had nowhere to run to.

If they'd been orphans already or if the night had taken their parents from them, I didn't know, but there were two small clumps of kids at the height of my knees- ghouls, humans, segregating themselves.

"Mister one eyed king, please, they killed my dad! They killed him dead, what am I supposed to do now?!" A little girl came running to me, nearly tripping on her feet, and she was dirty, her freckled face crusted with mud, ginger hair curled around her head. 

I inhaled unsteadily, clinging to my chest. "Hh- it's… gonna be alright, they're gonna stop fighting. What's your name? Do you need h-"

She had clung to my leg, with her rinkaku and her arms, face covered by her hair.

Without a thought, I leaned down and knelt in the snow, her bare feet.

God, did I know how much it hurt to walk on snow barefoot.

I picked her up, and held her, and with no idea what to do, I turned to Hide.

"Oh, gee, whiz," he said, but there were more kids, and he seemed to have acquired his own hanger on, this one a human. He and the child were signing back and forth, the kid was telling him his mom was an officer killed by ghouls and his dad got mad at the CCG, so he got in trouble and killed too. He was older than the girl I held, it seemed, but he was smaller, tawny skin shivering with goosebumps. Hide told him we'd take care of him.

"Is he a human? That's stupid," the redhead in my arms said, pointing to Hide. "I'm gonna kill you," she followed up, but it was clear she didn't mean it.

"Hi going to kill you, I'm dad," Hide said. And she stared with a scowl for a long time, before she couldn't stop her laughter, clinging to my shoulder.

Hide looked from me to the girl in my arms to the kid who'd clearly seen the only one who could sign and attached himself. And there was a sunrise, behind his head. The boy was calling me mom. And him dad.

He advised me to wrap the kid in the coat I'd taken off. And I did, leaning down, as both of the children huddled together. Both of them. A human and a ghoul, between us.

"Hide, I'm really happy," I said, with tears in my eyes.

I clutched my side, and it throbbed, my legs giving way, but I knew I'd be alright as my vision filled with the sun. I fell not into the snow, but into warm, strong arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hide is adab- assigned dad at birth  
> also holy shit this was Long


	17. Sleeping Beauty, Incredibly Bad Puns, and Gay People

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hide's sat diligently at Kaneki's bedside for a few weeks, as the world around him changes rapidly, for the most part towards the better. When Kaneki finally wakes up, they have a lot to say to each other, and quite a few apologies to make, but Hide's tried and true method of protecting Kaneki's feelings at his own expense breaks down when Kaneki finally speaks up and tells him to shut the fuck up and let them grow up and face the world together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> god that summary's sappy as shit. Well it's what you signed up for simps, if you must know yes this is the confession chapter. they KissTM. :)  
> Sorry this chapter's a bit late, I um started writing about Naki for some reason. But now I'm finishing up writing 18 and then I'm done!! This is scary um this is the chapter I wrote the entire fic for tbh  
> warning: the author wrote this on line without a hook on repeat  
> Hide needs to stop fucking saying "pog" in response to marriage proposals, i say, fulling knowing I wrote that myself

//Hide//

It was three weeks before Kaneki woke up again, and it was both the longest and shortest three weeks of my existence, but damn, had he needed it. 

There was a chair at his bedside, in the CCG's hospital, and everyone had collectively decided I was entitled to it, I think I spent more time watching him sleep than I did when we lived together. And that… was saying something.

I was eternally grateful for Dr. Chigyo, who'd taken over Kaneki's care along with some nurses, as now that the truth about the Washuus was brought out- the full recording had been released- a large number of officers were taken on leave and investigated, including Kaneki's shitty war criminal of a doctor.

Chigyo might have a dumb haircut, but he'd been pretty poggers based about my face, and when Kaneki had been brought in after the battle and what I liked to call The Reckoning, he actually jumped at the chance to fix up this medical wonder of a half ghoul, with all his background in quinques and quinx science. 

Kaneki was pale, and his breathing was shallow at first. They said he was too malnourished to completely heal the wounds he'd sustained from Arima, even though he'd eaten at that battle.

It was the RC drugs, Chigyo said, the drugs they gave him so he'd be 'more human'. And it saddened me to think that's what'd been inhibiting his memory, his speared brain couldn't heal all the way without the cells. Even though it had healed now, that shit had been given to him so frequently it had lasting effects on his body.

And when he took a turn for the worse in the first week I grew mad with worry- but they called in Chigyo, and his information explained it all.

Though he needed RC cells to heal, he'd grown accustomed to the drug, addicted, even. He said that was probably why he was prone to going bezerk when he opted to use his ghoul powers in the beginning, his body didn't know how to regulate the chemicals on its own. And his doctor knew that, but was ordered not to change anything. It helped to perpetuate the ghouls evil bad unstable thing, I assumed.

God, I was so glad those motherfuckers ran off to Germany at the first sight of trouble.

So, Kaneki needed the stuff, cause withdrawal after that long on that dosage might kill him. 

So they got him some, and like Chigyo predicted he got better again, though they were trying to gradually get him off of it now. His wounds had finally closed up now, and the shadow of death had gone from his face, as from mine.

The king would wake soon, they said to the ruins of the organizations of humans and ghouls, and it made me happy.

Many others came to sit with me, taking my place when I was called to try to speak for him on matters they were trying to work out, when Touka-chan wasn't being Reasonable enough for a bunch of humans who'd never spoken civilly with a ghoul before.

Mostly, it was the quinx, and I got to know them quite well, as the healing of Tokyo progressed.

The way things were now was a state of experimentation and negotiation at best, but thanks to him it wasn't the French revolution, more like a bunch of old people arguing with overpowered teenagers over who gets what rights. Special Class Juuzou Suzuya was tentatively in charge, barring the recovery of Marude and the others, and his 'policies' were fun, but aggravating to most humans, to be honest. The administration of Tokyo had started to get involved, so Juuzou didn't have as much free reign as he would have liked, but it allowed for interesting ideas, and humorous reactions from officers at being asked to submit cat memes with their reports and such.

Mutsuki dealt with it best, and I assumed it was because he and Suzuya were Bisexuals but though he'd been reserved at first, he'd warmed up to me, to the world. He always wanted to know how his sensei was doing, helping out with the research, getting an impromptu medical education from Chigyo.

I didn't see Urie as often, but from what Mutsuki said, he was a lot more chill than he had been, perhaps realizing for the first time that he had no obligation to climb the toppled hierarchy.

I saw Shirazu often, since his little sister was here. He was really funny, and sweet at that, giving me insight on Urie.

But Saiko was most often my companion beside his bed, other than Touka.

We'd really hit it off. And we still laughed, how we'd found each other, through, Overwatch. But she was truly a big softie, and she had so much color to her, a healthy amount of sass and big hair and absolutely no height. 

Thinking about it, I realized I'd turned into somewhat of an impromptu dad for her, and it made me so insanely vibing I didn't even know what to do. I'd never had someone so much like me to smile at before, and she was everything I didn't realize I was. She needed someone in Kaneki's absence, and so did I.

Also, I'd walked around with the kid on my shoulders a few times, which was right above oxygen on the hierarchy of needs. 

At this moment in time, I was absentmindedly playing Among Us on my phone, in the sterile quiet of the pleasant hospital room, and when I finished the round with a task win, I looked up to see she'd fallen asleep leaned over the hospital bed, snoring loudly.

I glanced out the window, the city bright against the dark sky, on the third floor.

I sighed and got up, putting an arm around her shoulder. 

"Time to go to bed, kiddo."

She mumbled, rousing. "But… dad… gravity…"

I stood up and scooped her in my arms, throwing her unceremoniously over my shoulder. I was going to take her to her room, but just then Nishiki and Touka appeared in the doorway.

"You still here, Hide?" Touka asked, giving me a Look™. 

"Yuh," I nodded, adjusting my mask and shifting my weight accommodating for Saiko on my shoulder. "He said Kaneki would wake up soon. I wanna be sure he has someone, whenever it is."

"No offense, Nagachika, but I don't know how you do it," Nishiki gave me a smirk. "That, empathy thing."

"I don't know how not to," I said, and it was the truth. I could not leave him if I wanted to. "But anyway, great timing, you guys have muscles, why don't one of you take Yonebayashi to her room? She doesn't have the energy to walk right now."

Touka looked at Nishiki, who stared at Touka. Eventually he gave way, sighing heavily and letting out his bright bikaku, lassoing her and making a peace sign before turning away. 

I laughed a little, and so did Touka, quietly, the two of us making eye contact.

"I'll stay with you for a bit," she smiled. "I thought you might like some company."

"Yeah, valid, I do. Even I get tired of staring at Kaneki's face for hours," I admitted. "So they decided not to prosecute?" I followed up, on the fact that both of them were here and not in legal negotiations.

Touka walked over and sat down on the couch near the generic table and decor, spreading out and loosening her tie. "Yeah, well, with us it was fairly easy- since Anteiku is supposed to be an organization of peace- I think it's kind of funny that Juuzou kid managed to lobby for a grace period of murder out of self defense on the ghoul-valid scale. It won't hold for a week, but it got a lot of the unfortunate kids cleared. I don't know what we're going to do about my brother, he keeps confessing to war crimes because he thinks it makes him look cool. Kid's supposed to be in high school, not the mean streets of south uptown," she rolled her eyes, exhausted. "I don't know what's up with him."

"It's the internalized homophobia for me," I nod, feigning pity in jest, to which she snorted.

"God, he needs to get a boyfriend and get over it. But I also pity anyone he's attracted to. In general, for the humans I think it's a matter of reconsidering their entire thinking about ghouls. It's really fucking hard not to deck the bastards who are trying to say 'but what if you simply did not kill people that were actively trying to murder your children, checkmate liberals'."

I looked at her fondly. "Yeah, I've been working that out with the authorities. They get really nice when you hack into their computers, actually."

At that, she raised her eyebrows. "Sometimes I think you might actually be valid," she said with a smile, violet hair falling over her face.

"POG-"

"Nevermind. You're cancelled again," she said just as fast, and we laughed. "But really, how is it?"

I sighed, sitting back down. "It's. So. Tiring. I'm… I signed up for this, I know, but my empathy can't run marathons every day. I need to take care of everyone, make sure everything's ok, there are lives on the line and… I don't know. I want to help, I  _ need _ to be able to help. But there's so much to be done, I spend so much time making sure I check on Kaneki and the quinx and you guys and the orphans and-" I sighed, loudly. "Everyone's problems are so heavy to carry."

She was unfazed. "Hot take, you, don't have to carry them?"

"Hot take, yes I do."

She rolled her eyes.

"Ah, well I mean, it's just kind of everything," I said, changing the subject. "The CCG is having a real field day with my face. They can't decide if I should be eligible for disability or shunned as some sort of sexual deviant."

"To be fair, uh, you kind of are," she said, but completely failed to elaborate.

"Huh???"

"Well, to them. You're. I mean." Her voice trailed off, and there was an unspoken silence between us, heavy, understanding.

Touka knew the nature of my feelings for Kaneki, we'd sat together here too many days for her not to realize it.

I sighed, acknowledging it. "I really can't believe how much I want to tell him, everything- God, I'm so frustrated and gay, but he's been through so goddamn much, I think I'd die if I put anything more on his shoulders at all."

"Can't relate. Soon as he recovers I'm gonna punch him in the face," she smirked. "There's no one more qualified than you to give him hell. Complain about your problems to him, they're, literally his fault."

I shrugged. "Even if some of them were, it wouldn't be fair. I did it all for him, anyway. Not myself."

Touka was silent for a long time. "It's incomprehensible how nice you are, idiot. Makes my brain turn to mush."

"You're the same with Yoriko," I deflected, twirling a finger at her face.

"I AM NOT," she said, bright red up to her ears, making an effort to stay quiet.

My face was soft, and it was hard not to fall into that state, holding up my head with my hands, staring half lidded at the boy in his bed, breathing soft, hair more white than black now, a little overgrown making him honestly quite feminine.

"I think you should tell him," She said frankly. "That you're like madly in love with him or whatever. I've never seen a gayer man."

I sighed. "Oh my god, Touka I know he's fucking gay. But he's my best friend, and it's never been that way, and you know back then, I was just… being there for him. To him, I think. I don't know. No. There's no reason to do that."

I kept myself all covered for a reason.

"Well, you do you, I guess, dude," she rolled her eyes. "Good luck with him, anyway. I should get back to the shop to prepare for tomorrow and get some sleep." She stood up, stretching, and waved to me, but my reciprocal wave was sluggish, a yawn escaping my covered mouth.

She passive aggressively turned the light off before closing the door, and as soon as she was gone I turned the bedside lamp on, but the corridors had dimmed, she had a point.

"You have it easy," I turned to Kaneki's sleeping form and muttered, quietly, my eyes heavy.

I got up and crossed the room to his bed, leaning over him and cupping his cheek with my hand.

And I hooked a finger over the top of my mask and pulled it down, pressing what would be my lips as gently to his warm forehead as I could.

"Sleep well, Ken."

I didn't expect him to wake up like fucking sleeping beauty, but, well, gee whiz, get this- he fucking did.

It wasn't exactly 'his eyes fluttered open softly and he let out a small gasp' though, it was more like I nearly screamed while he turned to his side and groaned, throwing his covers aside and rapidly rousing himself as though something was gonna attack him.

"BRO," I exclaimed, at once wondering how much he'd heard and incredibly anxious, excited.

Speechless for a moment, he rubbed his eyes, blinking, looking from one side of the room to the other, down at himself, up at me.

"Hh… huh-" His eyes were wide and dilated, lined with shadows, but after a few blinks at the breathtaking hospital room wall scenery, they filled with tears, a smile of complete disbelief spilling over his edges. "Hide…"

"Yuh," I said, like that was helpful.

"I… you… it- wasn't a dream," he cried, looking to the mirror, running his hands through his hair, pressing his hand to his chest, the bandages underneath the hospital gown. 

I knew I'd have to take care, with him, but a warmth filled my chest, to see his relief, to know I was his relief, not to be gay but it was literally everything I fucking wanted.

"No, it wasn't. We're all here. For real. You're alright, Ken."

"How long…"

"Three weeks. It's March, believe it or not. Not a bad one either." I instinctively pressed my hand to my mask, when I smiled, as if even the hint of that mutilated thing would offend him. "The CCG's been taking care of you, it's a lot of uh, science or whatever, they say you're going to be ok."

He smiled, a smile curling into himself, clinging to his bedsheets. "How is… everything?"

"Depends on what you mean by everything," I laughed. "Things have actually changed, if you're wondering- or well, they're starting the long, slow transition of maybe possibly doing so with a lot of prodding. They're at a stalemate right now, since the big groups both kind of stand without leadership at the moment. So we're in the process of peace hearings, and by we I mean me, Touka and Yomo, Uta, and Juuzou are standing in a circle t-posing on each other and the government. Most of the officers are out of commission, and the ones that aren't are busy holding off stragglers that don't wanna stop fighting."

Kaneki blinked. "That actually… it… worked? It  _ worked?? _ "

I nodded. "Yeah, and stupid lucky too with Kanou and Furuta and the Washuus out of the picture. Last I heard, the old chief was last seen fleeing to like, Germany or something. It'll be a lot easier now that you're awake, the ghouls really like to follow you and the authorities won't talk to anyone but you. I don't know how, but somehow you've become the spokesperson for this. I've been trying my best to be the middleman," I laughed.

He breathed in, slowly, eyes wide, clearly tired and overwhelmed but relieved. "Thank god, Hide- I'm… glad I'm awake now, I don't want you to have to do any of that."

"It's alright, I don't mind. This is what I like doing," I held up my hands. "You honestly don't have to have anything to do with it if you don't want to."

He looked down, and his hovering hands shook a little, but less than they had before. "Yes, I know, but I… I do want to do this. At least for a while. It feels right. If there's anything I can do to help fix things, well that's-" He exhaled, half a laugh. "That's infinitely better than anything I've ever done before. All that came of my efforts just made it worse than before. This is like… a way to make up for it that doesn't involve, um." He twiddled his fingers. "Passing away." There was a dead silence. "I'd like to be able to prove that I can do it without… being a danger to myself or others."

I grimaced, but I understood.

After all, wasn't that what I'd done?

I nodded. "Yeah, I have to say that wasn't one of your better ideas, Ken. The peace agreement is a big improvement from middle school emo."

"Thanks, Hide," he said, rolling his eyes. But it was sincere, the smile softening. "It's all I've wanted for so long… that they just… understand… they shouldn't fight and- I lost that for too long. I was literally such an asshole it's unreal. I don't know, I've always been shitty-" He said, rambling on, and I stood in half silence, waiting to hear what he had to say. "I think I realized that when I got my memories back, I'm just??" Kaneki looked up. "I'm so bad, Hide, I've been nothing but a source of pain. And I used people and I killed people and I just completely forgot about the wellbeing of the people I should care about the most- and I…" 

He got real quiet, the constant hum of the heater in the corner suddenly noticeable.

"I'm sorry. For. Almost… giving up. I didn't know any other way to make up for it."

I looked down. "You don't have to apologize. You were in pain, you can't be blamed."

He shifted on his bed, sitting up and making a face, staring a little too hard at me. "But-" With pent up guilt, he threw it out quietly, unable to tear his eyes away from it now. "No, it's  _ not _ , and I  _ do _ ." And I couldn't escape his frustrated, terribly tired eyes. His mouth was half open, sitting barefoot on his bed so conscious of the space between us.

"Let me apologize, Hide."

"..."

It was dark in the room, and the words were soft but harsh, so utterly grounded in reality. We were hidden away, and the hospital room was domestic, the city below, flowers in a pot, my blanket on the couch. And the silence was thick, my hand over my face.

"Obviously, I didn't get time to properly talk to you in the battle, but-" He let out a break of air, confessional. "Neither of us… acknowledged anything."

I steered far away from it, looking out at the window. "Kaneki, it's alright, we never have to if you don't want to. It's over."

He stared me down, and there was a lot more force of will than had been there before everything. "I don't know how I didn't notice it before. The softeners you put on everything. If you want to, if you want to, if you want to- Hide. You're not protecting me from anything.  _ I want to _ ."

"..."

"We parted on. Horrible terms. And I don't care if I wasn't capable of refusing at the time, I don't care that you consented, it's still my sin. And I hurt you, in so many ways." His voice broke. "I can't deny it, even if you try to hide it."

I opened my mouth, trying to argue, but I couldn't think of anything to say that would refute it.

"I just… don't want you to be hurt, man…" I said, subdued, but the argument was weak as soon as I heard myself, saw the utter pain on his face.

This was what I'd always wanted to avoid. The terrible dawning when he realized I had my own life past as his sun, that I was a real person and not his imaginary friend, that I hurt and it was his fault.

I tried so hard not to let that show.

But it was the truth, and Kaneki was staring right upon it, painfully aware he could not see beneath the mask.

I’d closed off for his sake. Of course I know it would be better to let it out, I was so tired of skirting around the wound that I refused to look at but… I was mortified of needing anything in return. What if I was too much, what if I made him sad, what was I supposed to do if I admitted there was anything wrong?

I let out a breath, frozen up for so long. 

The lighting was intimate on his features, and he hovered only inches from me, reaching out to each other, but still not touching.

“Alright. I just didn’t know how much you were comfortable with.” I laughed. “And… yeah, it was an awkward place to leave off. Thought you might just want to start over like nothing happened.” 

As I said it, I pursed my lips, hearing the words from my mouth.

I was about to say it, but he beat me to it. “I tried that already,” he laughed. “It didn’t go well. There’s a lot that went on between us I don’t want to ignore anymore. We don’t have anyone else to share that with.”

I nodded. “I feel that, half the time I’m like, oh my god I want to make a joke in horrifically bad taste but well. No one else would get it, and I’m not really a shy guy, if you couldn’t tell, but I didn’t feel the need to explain that to anyone else. I honestly don’t think even you’d want to hear them,” I giggled.

Kaneki seemed to consider it. “I have to say the jokes might have made things weird before, but I’ve changed my stance. If you can make anything funny, it’s automatically better.”

“Ah, so I’m allowed to call it an extreme hickey and/or say I lost my virginity in the Tokyo sewer system with no context to my tumblr followers.” 

There was a silence, before “Oh my god, I forgot you had tumblr. Touka made me delete my, everything, when I became a ghoul, and I never got tumblr as Haise,” he laughed awkwardly. “I should. Wait, what’s your url again?”

“You want me to spell it out?” I smirked. “p-u-k-i-c-h-o.”

“HUH?”

“I’m fucking joking Kaneki. I wish I was puki.”

He tried to stop himself from laughing at first, face twisted, but eventually he gave in, a bittersweet, healing thing, covering his eyes with his hand. 

“How did I forget you were like this,” he blushed, and at the same time grimaced. “But I… yeah. Me too. I never thought I’d have someone to talk to about this. But well, here we are.”

“Ha- well, if you want to be open, you know I’m always here.”

It was a gaping silence, and our shared memories were spilling onto the carpeted floor, interacting the plain, unembellished truth of everything.

"On one hand," I opened my mouth, breaking the silence. "It was simply a situation bound out of desperation and bad decision making that, although forgivable, should not be romanticized, but, uh," I put my finger to the side of my face, satirically. "On the other hand, I'm such a good friend. I did. A good thing. For my friend. And I can remind myself that I did that so I can't get cancelled on twitter dot com for being a shitty person"

He almost laughed out loud. "God, Hide, how am I surprised? It's… at the same time a relief and like, so cursed to hear your feelings about it. I… wanted to believe you'd hate me for it, but… of course that's what it was." He twiddled his fingers. "I dunno how to feel about it. I don't know how to feel about anything." And Kaneki bit his lip, nervous. "I. Um. I'm."

He put his head in his hands, giving up, words that tasted in the air like they'd been hanging in his throat for years. 

"I'm so  _ disgusting.  _ I thought even if you'd been alive everything between us would be completely destroyed." His words caught, and he shook his head. "I- I could never talk to you again. You'd never want me to. I ruined everything- the things I did, the way I did them, the way I fucking  _ liked  _ it- It's almost funny, because ghouls have tried to scare me by threatening to eat you, and it made me murderous but then  _ I did it  _ and you let me indulge in it and I'll never get your  _ scream  _ out of my head!"

I clutched my chest, and I swallowed, nodding.

"I tried not to, Kaneki, I really did."

"That doesn't help in the least, Hide," he responded. 

Still a safe distance from him, I acknowledged it, the collection of remembered sensation that hovered in the grey area of the world.

"I know. I know. It shouldn't be something you have to try to find a way to make safe for work," I half laughed. "It… wasn't. And that's the truth of it, but it's ok. It was only between us, we were both ok with it. Yeah. It was fucked up. Not just for you. It was fucked up for me to ask you to do that. When you were compromised like that. It was fucked up for me to kiss you when you were starving. It was fucked up of me to like it. You ate my face!  _ Ate my face!!" _ I exclaimed, incredulous. "And I was just like 'damn shawty ok that's kinda hot'?!" And both of us were laughing, loose, pulling each other apart at the seams.

There was an understanding, in the dim light, it was where we needed to be, even if it hurt. 

"So, yeah. It's ugly. What we did was ugly. Kinky and weird and a downright affront to god or whatever. But the only people we have to apologize to are each other."

He seemed out of breath, and he turned to the side, red. "I… yeah. That's fair. But there is, um…" He let his overgrown hair fall over his face, white edged in grey, still a hint of curls. "I always assumed it must have been a… spur of the moment thing when it happened, but…" His mouth fell open a sliver- sweet, beautiful, and he was bouncing nervously, his hands kept at his side. "Did you… really mean it? What you said? What happened back then?"

It took a second to realize, but I softened, endeared by his embarrassment. "What, do you mean when I said I loved you?" 

Mouth dry, he nodded.

"...of course I did, Kaneki," I said, so matter of factly.

He clung to himself. "When you- you kissed me, and held my hand and all…"

"Yeah," I squeaked out, my chest tight. There was no way around it. Well, everything was out, I supposed. I couldn't really hide it. "What did you think it meant?"

"...I love you?" He blinked, tired and red. "You told me it was the only thing I needed to know. And then you kissed me, to make me give in?"

"I'm not denying it," I looked down. "Puts a nice pretty edge on the cannibalism. You're my best friend, and I love you in every way." 

_ Oh, fuck you, Touka, _ I thought, knowing the face she'd make if she saw this.

"I would have kissed you any day, if that's what you were asking. But. Yeah. Yeah, I meant it."

Tears fell from his eyes.

"I love you too, Hide. I love you."

He said it, and picked the words apart, every bit of their meaning spilling over his heart. "And I'm sorry, for everything I did. I promise, if you still want me here, I'll do better. I'll make it up to you. I want to."

I didn't know how to respond, because the king was all but kneeling at my feet, and I was red, and I was speechless like I hadn't spent so much effort trying to get my voice back.

I'd regained my voice for him, but he said he stole it, handed it right back to me as soon as I tried to give it to him.

"It's alright Kaneki-" I said, but he cut me off, which was quite bold for someone so non combative.

"Look, Hide- I understand you want to make me happy. I'm so glad you're here and you've done that, you really have, but… I want you to be happy too. I don't want to be the one who's always in need, I'm so goddamn sick of other people carrying my burdens. That's like… honestly the first time you've ever misunderstood anything about me," He admitted, leaning back. "You're pretty much always right. But I see you, and… I know you're hiding things about yourself, because you think it would be better for me. And back when we were kids, I didn't realize how much I was using you to carry my emotions. But after all this…" He wiped his eyes, throwing out his hand. "I envy good mothers more than innocent children. I want to grow up."

My breath caught in my throat.

_ What? _

These were words I'd never prepared for, and I was struck with the stark, sudden difference between him then and now.

I'd known the world would likely be of living as Kaneki's sun, gaining happiness secondhand from him. Giving him everything he needed until he bloomed and the world was right. But the thought that he'd see through me like I did him?

God, it was terrifying.

Me here, trying to give him the childhood he never got. Gentle, non threatening and safe, trying to be his escape from the real world even if I never got acknowledged-

And him, honest and steady, sitting in a hospital bed with hair bleached with tragedy, a maturity that had never been there before.

There I was, stuck in the flowers hiding in the form of his memory, and he was older, knowing that that place was no longer needed. 

_ I want to grow up. _

...Shit.

He smiled, ever so slightly, but his expression was serious, genuine concern and care in his eyes when he looked at me. "I think it's the best thing for me to finally take responsibility for my actions. I'm tired of denial. And you don't have to act like I'm perfect. Because I don't want to pretend I am anymore, I want to heal. And I want to help everyone I hurt heal. So… I have to thank you, a lot, for comforting me in the past, but I think you can lift your hands from my eyes."

He looked up, and stared directly at me, an apology, one that felt righteous in doing so.

"Hide, if you're willing… I want to see it. What I did to you."

This new Kaneki was so different to navigate, and I found myself tripping where I'd never done so before.

"A- are you sure? I'm cool with it, but I have to tell you, Kaneki, it's not pretty. I don't cover it because I'm self conscious, bro. I don't wanna freak people out. Especially not you."

His jaw remained set, adamant. He nodded. "Show it to me, Hide. I need to at least acknowledge what I was too weak to keep my eyes open for. Hiding from it will do no good."

I breathed out, and I felt at once scared and with confusion at myself, relieved. The way he was looking at me cut through all the emotion I'd built up behind that mask, to keep it from leaving my mouth.

And with a nod and a shudder of relieved anxiety, I turned to the side and unhooked the heavy duty fabric from behind my ears, loosed the scarf from my neck and unipped my sweatshirt.

Kaneki grimaced, his hands shaking as he held them instinctively over his eyes, but he forced himself to look up, blinking as I bared myself, incredibly conscious of the air on the still half healed wounds.

There it was, the bared teeth and the raw muscle and the haphazard stitches about my seams. You could see the tendons in my throat and the obvious bite marks tracing down my neck, below the collar of my shirt. And there was the hole blatantly cut where he'd ripped my throat wide, inserted with a little metal device.

He looked so helpless and in pain, when he saw it, and he tried to press his hand to his face, close his eyes, but he stopped himself, shaking.

Tears, streaking down his face, his porcelain perfect face, like the saddest, palest doll's.

I edged back, holding out my hands. "I can put it back on if it makes you uncomfortable-"

"No," he said, and he was reaching towards me, fingers not quite touching my skin. "It's alright. How… far does this go?"

"Uhh… a ways…" I said awkwardly, and shimmied out of my sweatshirt. "Wow, I am really just stripping for you now, huh?" I joked. I wore a lot of layers, mostly for this reason. And now the mask, the scarf, the sweatshirt were gone, my hands carefully unbuttoning the shirt that I had on, the draft raising goosebumps on my comparatively pale skin. I looked up, but he wasn't looking away, and that was the first time anyone hadn't.

Validation, bro. One hell of a drug.

And achingly intimate, his eyes held it steady, his hands not sure if they should touch me, so much without words.

"You can touch it. It's alright."

Oddly soft hands brushed the side of my neck, and I shuddered, the remembrance of the last time those hands had touched this place.

"I took so much from you," he said, his voice low, private. But I had no way to argue, because he was so gentle, a caress like that of a warm breeze, a lover's touch, on skin he'd broken. "I took your smile straight from your lips."

And the noise I made was barely human, weak in the knees, speechless, his soft grey eyes glittering with tears. "Well, we match now, don't we?" I spoke, so eloquently. 

He grinned, that kind of watery, sunny, grimacing grin that made one's face ugly in the most beautiful way. "Yeah. We do." And I knew he would always be at my side, that there was no one else I could want more.

He pressed his hand to my chest, warm and alive and refusing to do anything but love my scars. "Hide, I want to return everything I've taken from others. I hope you'll accept my apology," he said.

And carefully, in concise contrast to the messy, painful thing that had come of us in the sewers, with his hand feather soft against the crude curve of my face, he pressed his lips to what were left of mine.

One by one, he touched every place he'd scarred, placing a kiss on each one. The lightest, most polite kisses, on my face, my neck, the side of my collarbone.

And when he reached the line from scar to normal skin, he cherished it, calm and tired.

He took my hand, and pressed his lips to the back, looking up into my eyes and smiling. "I'm afraid I don't know how to kiss like a king. But I hope it's enough."

"I'll accept that apology," I said, warm, bright, suddenly in a whole new world.

A world where this speechless human was loved by the king of the monsters.

Even then, he looked down, his face red. "How are you… ok with this?" Kaneki asked. "After it all… you know I've been dangerous, Hide- these hands almost killed you, and yet you trust me to touch you?"

"Tch. You gotta stop racisming yourself, shawty," I crossed my arms. "You're going to hate me, but um, let me quote a tumblr post," I said, hoping I remembered it right. "Kaneki, why are you talking about how you could kill me? So could a toaster. So could a dedicated duck. You're not special."

He rolled his eyes. "But what if I hurt you again-"

"I'll make it so you don't have to," I said, and shrugged. "I'm sure you're perfectly capable of not consuming my fucking body parts if you don't, starve yourself."

He considered it. "That's fair. You're right. You're right." But he glanced down at himself, following the line of the IV from his arm to the stand above the bed. "But wait.. how are they… it's been three weeks-"

_ I'm not hungry, _ was what he wasn't saying.

"Uh, I'm not a medical professional, but I'd bet it's the stuff in the IV. You're still weak because you uh, god yourself addicted to torture drugs homie, but the guys say you've been getting better. The extra RC and anti-RC kinda cancels each other out…" They're? Working on it? Ask mutsuki, he's taken a liking to this half ghoul medicine thing." And on that, a thought came back to me, and I held a finger in the air before he could respond. "Oh! Yeah, they said when you got up you need to manifest your kagune and keep them out for the night so they know if the RC shit stabilized."

His eyes widened and he clasped his hands together on his lap, face red.

I laughed, holding up a hand. "Don't be shy, Kaneki, you're in a hospital gown. And well, this is basically dick out for me anyway," I laughed, gesturing to the face shattered with scars. "So it's only fair. Those things are only murder tentacles if you want them to be, right?"

He looked kind of confused. "I've only ever used them for battle…"

I made a face, concerned. "That's not… healthy? I don't think?" I cocked my head. "Why do I know more about this than you?" I lamented. "Doesn't that make your back hurt?"

Kaneki looked guilty. "I thought that was just. Normal?" And at the look on my face he defended it. "I lived in stealth for two years, I'm not fucking whipping it out to have an extra hand to do the dishes? Is that something people DO? Man, I didn't use them at all after I lost my memories until like, six months ago."

I sighed in exasperation, in disbelief at the Obvious Solutions to his problems. "NO KANEKI b r o that's so fucking bad for you- that's like saying you only use your arms when you need to punch people??"

"No one told me that," he said, and his voice was small. "But… you're right, I shouldn't rely on you for shit like that. God, this is awkward. I'll. Ask Touka or something, I need to stop making you learn the Ghoul Shit for me."

"Stop stalling Kaneki, I'm tired as shit. Let me see the fucking octopus limbs and we can worry about propriety tomorrow."

He bit his lip. "Uh- wh- whehwhww- well- hhhhh-"

I crossed my legs, waiting patiently.

It took a long ass time for him to work up the courage, but eventually it got to him and he gave up, looking pointedly downward as two, then four red kagune bloomed from his back, glowing dimly in the air. And when he did it, it looked like stretching. He yawned as the crackling tissue relaxed instead of being forced into the shape of anything sharp. 

"Oh hell yeah!" I reacted, and he covered his face, humiliated.

"I've never let them just. Do this before. You're right, it feels really nice. But I don't know what to do with them, like- where do I  _ put  _ them, they just want to curl around you. Like, a lot." 

"Well, uh, let them," I said, sitting on his bed. "As long as you don't go all boa constrictor on me, I'm not going anywhere and neither are you."

There was a silence, with him hovering there, giant bioluminescent limbs stretching out behind him. But eventually he gave in. 

Kaneki smiled softly and still shaking, he collapsed into my arms in a hospital gown not leaving much to the imagination, those limbs wrapping around me like he was hugging me. It was kinda weird, but not the bad weird, and honestly comforting. They were soft, and kinda squishy when they weren't trying to kill people.

"I'll be thanking you for the rest of my life, Hide," he laughed, and there was only a positive tone in his voice.

"And I will too, if you keep it up like this," I said with my head resting on his kagune like a pillow, and my hand went to his hair, gently teasing the stuff that had never been so soft. "So we're even now."

"We're a lot of things now, aren't we?" He said, sleepy and smiling, eyes half lidded. And shit man, uh, this was the life. He was holding me, curling instinctively into me like otters holding hands in their sleep.

"Kaneki. Kaneki. Kaneki."

"W hat"

"Can I. Can I call you. My ghoulfriend" I snorted, fully aware the joke was Bad™. 

"Die."

"Alright," I laughed, leaning into him more. "What about lover?"

There was a long pause, and a warm smile, his eyes still a little teary. "Yeah. That sounds really nice."

It was a new feeling, with no need to hide anything at all. 

"Homie, I sure hope you'll let me tell everyone we're officially gay people real."

He thought a second, and with a realization, he stared up at my face. "Um… you won't need to."

I laughed, tired. "We're just that gay, huh?"

"Uh, well- no, I… didn't know this when I… uh… but…" He looked up and cupped my face, red and clearly still tired out of his mind. "Did you know that we're married now?"

"WDYM??"

He laughed, nervous. "Uh… ghoul culture, I guess. Ghouls show they've basically claimed someone for life by um. Leaving a mark. Eto decided to tell me and I thought she was messing with me, but… I talked with Touka at the battle and she said it was true." Kaneki shrugged. "That explains why the ghuls gave us so many weird looks though. I imagine it's rather risque."

I blinked, taking it in stride. But it made me laugh, and it was with joy. "Pog." I said, sincerely. "We're married now? Very sexy of us. But if you'd like to put a ring on it too… I'd be anything but opposed."

"Yeah…" he said, faintly, not even seeming to take it in, though to be fair neither was I.

And I had drifted off to sleep before I could say anything more. It was all that needed to be said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> awehfiohwefohew next chapter is the epilogue and get ready for a giant infodump because it's going to be a time skip and I'm shoving literally so much into that chapter it is insane but I'm so ready


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